THE GERMAN DOCTOR: MISWAK

 

i'm at the doctor's. i hate going to the doctor. but i have to. for a benefit. i run into, of all people, an old classmate i used to go to high school with in the area. oh how i hated high school. after we moved.

me: Michael German, as i live and breathe.

Michael German: Dr. Michael German. i heard it was touch-and-go for you at college, you almost didn't make it.

me: you son of a bitch, you actually became a doctor. you know now that i think back, i have a crystal clear image of you saying you wanted to be an ear-nose-throat doctor on the patio of the school that one hazy dusty-pink afternoon after school. i don't want to mention the school's name, painful memories for me.

Michael: you were waiting for your mom to pick you up, i had a car. if i remember correctly you were smart like me, i crapped my pants when you transferred over her from L.A. i ALMOST lost Valedictorian to you.

me: you got a 4.8, i got a 4.7, those fucking AP courses adding into your GPA. well, it seems you lived your dream.

Michael: being a specialist is so much easier, being a doctor gets messy. yeah i've lived a pretty normal life: wife, two kids, doctor. you?

me: mental illness. i ended up doing nothing with my intelligence. it seems if you have just ONE nervous breakdown, that's it, it's over.

me: the reason you're normal today? you went to prom.

Michael German: can you believe Palma is co-ed now?

me: trigger warning. 

Michael: remember that caravan of vans on the street we had for prom?

me: i didn't have good high-school memories like you did.

Michael: sorry. so what brings you in to see me today? sinuses flaring up? it's not your sinuses, it's Autumn, the leaves are brown.

me: i'm actually here for my mom.

Michael: hey have you ever eaten bacon that's been fried in a pot?

me: yeah, it tastes like steak.

Michael: i can't eat bacon, i'm a doctor. i don't get it, why does your life suck now?

me: easy for you to say, you're a doctor!!!

Michael: i mean we both went through covid...

the Golden Ratio: i'm not an Uzumaki spiral...

Over the Garden Wall: we are all lost forever, woods or no woods. nobody's journey ever ends. friends: the only thing that matters. and that circle ceremony from the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video...

Subway: what, it's not imitation crab, it's surimi...

me: now is when i put on my blue beanie over my head, put on my black fuzzy coat by kissing the left Mr. Kotter collar flap then the right Mr. Serling collar flap...

Jen R: don't forget the Julie Kotter collar flap...

me: ...then zipping it up and going under my BIG-ASS white down-comforter Linus blanket.

Jen R: feathers?

Michael German: it's not that it's winter, it's that it's the time you finally shave your head after 5-months' hair growth...

curator: when you're an Instagram curator, you need to choose QUICKLY...

Uzumaki: it's just Cumberland sausage.........redcurrants only grow in Japan...

Super Mario: your trash was taken. your trash was picked up. you're gonna have a good week.

Super Luigi: the whole tenor of your week changed when your trash was taken...

TV: when you watch others do the work...

Princess Diana: remember that time i dressed like Maleficent with a cross necklace to a non-costume party?...

Doryce: which witch has the winch?

Gladyce: i'm on a date with Mark Hapka at Medieval Times...

Miami Vice "Like a Hurricane".

Teller: this is the first time you've ever heard me speak. but this isn't my real voice, i'm acting, this is the character's voice...

Com Truise: that hurt me, getting exploded just for listening to a cassette in your car...

at the Pepin Pumpkin Patch.

Claudine Pepin: Papa, i'm worried about you. what man needs all these pumpkins?

Jacques Pepin: a French man, you ungrateful whelp of a child. i feel like King Lear up in this pumpkin patch bitch.

Claudine: calm down, Papa, and tell me about the spell Billy Corgan has over you.

Jacques: some of the Smashing Pumpkins songs are amazing, some are duds.

Claudine turning on her Walkman: do it French-style, Papa. 

Jacques starts sweating as he dances to 2 in a Room "Wiggle It".

Jacques, doing the Stanky Leg: like that motherfucking Sesame Street earthworm. this is PBS after all.

Jacques, singing in his heavy French accent: wiggle it, just a little bit...

Gloria Pepin, watching everything and crying softly under a fennel tree: Parrain would be so proud of our family.

PBS: your guide through all the poisonous mushrooms you will encounter in the Jacques Pepin Woods...

Jen R: are we still celebrating the rest of the holidays this year after what happened?

Jon Stewart: come to me for your post-election-blues solace.

me: and reassurance.

Jen R: and snark.

Johnny Carson: Jon Stewart is still around?...

at Safeway.

Alejandro: you're looking very handsome today.

me, blushing: is it my beard or the shirt? you're the only person i hug in my life.

Alejandro: you should hug your family...

John Mulaney: how did an entire generation of Filipina women spring forth from one random tweet?...

dad: lucky penny in the sky.

Marina del Rey, California: where Lana Del Rey is from...

Tony Todd: please tell me i played Tricky in the biopic...

Robert Crumb: i invented the word "barfie", didn't i? 

MAD Magazine: ...

Lili Estefan: i got Sailor Moon legs...

Leslie Sbrocco: passport to delicious. no hawks.

Louis XV at the Palace of Versailles: phimosis? nah, i consummated our marriage on our wedding night six more times than necessary just to make sure.

Marie: not to make love...

Philippa Langley: ...

riddler: wine rack, nothing to do with Batman. my heroes growing up were Laverne & Shirley...

She's Having a Baby.

Father Navin: i mean why do they do that thing in the wedding ceremony where i'm REQUIRED to ask the congregation if there's any reason why these two should not be married? why ruin a beautiful moment with uncertainty? why doom a man's belief in himself?

John Hughes: TENSION. manufactured tension.

Kevin Bacon: i gotta get out of here.

me: right? loading-dockmen are colorful characters for your novel.

Elizabeth McGovern: at least get your master's degree in '70s McDonald's ashtrays.

Jen R: you can still live your dream and work for PBS...

Raygun: be a dancer.

Bill Burr: a slightly older Billy Corgan...

Laertus: but why are people so stupid now?

George Carlin: people have always been this stupid.

Shamu: just call me an orca, killer whale is too much.

Gladyce listening to Mk.gee "Breakthespell" up in a tree of the Treehouse on her headphones, closing her eyes: the dream police will get us...

Uzumaki Episode 4 rowhouses: shelf-stadium-seating scene from the Enigma "Gravity of Love" music video...

Suzy Lu: i can't see out of my left eye. but i meditate like Teen Goku out of my right eye.

Steejo: i listen to TLC. because Suzy the lass can't offer me TLC, she's too busy playing video games at home...

dad: if you're left-handed like me you already have a built-in third eye.

Michael German leads me into a smaller room than his other room in his doctor's office.

me: HAPKA!!!

Michael German: what the fuck man, you gave me a heart attack.

me: you're in the right place for one. today is 11/11.

Michael: the date is 11/11. wow, that is mindblowing between us, something spiritual between us, we used to be enemies.  

me: more like distant rivals.

Michael: i need to light up a cigarette inside this tiny room, do you mind? i need a smoke after that.

me: can you help me with my mom? it's stressful being her only caregiver for years.

Michael: she'll be okay. she's not sick, she's just old. don't worry, elderly people are fine. elderly people are fun.

me: she's easy. she's a sweetheart. all you have to do is clip her toenails and put DOUBLE SOCKS on her feet.

Michael: i'll be around your place later this afternoon. 

me: you remember my address?

Michael: i never learned it.

Michael: follow me out.

the two of us exit to the winding path of walnut through the circle "garden" of the parking lot. Michael German TRIPS OVER a small sign near the flowers soil which reads WATCH YOUR STEP and falls into the pansies.

me: you really oughta quit smoking.

Michael: says you, stress man.

at the house Michael German hooks up the water humidifier in mom's room. he puts his ear up to the humidifier's blobject surface.

Michael German: you hear that? the bubbles bubbled up when i entered the room.

me: i know, like an '80s Arrowhead gallon clear bottle of delivered water.

Michael: the bubbles were saying hi to me.

i have an exhausted look on my face.

Michael: don't worry, i'm a real doctor. i used to joke around all the time in class, remember?

me: we weren't friends, we were competitors. the class clown is never the valedictorian...

Michael German: but the class clown is always the smartest one in the class...