Alex Trebek: i am now an Immortal.
Marianne Williamson: i am opening myself up. spiritually. my vagina will solve the Climate Crisis. i have The Climate Crisis Clit. everyone, i need all my followers to pray with me to send all the extra hurricane water into my vagina. don't worry it can take it. see? why haven't we had a woman leader again? it would make life so much better. I AM THE PHOENIX!!!...…...the Phoenix from Marvel Comics...
President Bump: i mean what is up with Will & Grace? i used to LOVE that show! almost as much as i love Elton John! i thought that was a good show, good people---i don't judge---but now they're all shit. all went to shit with a tweet, imagine that. i mean that show was one of the very precious few lucky ones who were able to reboot successfully. 11 years later, who cares about 11 years later? btw, is The Apprentice ever coming back? i'm waiting, NBC. i'm just gonna hang out in my corner with the good gay. Jack Bauer, right? i like brown people.
Bump shoves a microphone inside his own nose.
Bump: IT'S HAPPENING!!! IT'S COMING!!!
Putin: what are you blathering on about now?
Bump: the Hurricane. 5 is fake news, there have been Hurricane 6s for millennia now, the MSM just won't report them. Alex Jones minored in meteorology at Berkeley.
Putin flicks Bump into the atmosphere with his pinkie ring and Bump disappears into a high bank of grey clouds. Putin smiles at the camera and his teeth are so gold it looks like he just got done eating a bank of corn-on-the-cob.
Bump: just don't let it hit any of my golf properties in Florida! or Mar-a-Lago, that's where i address. the ball. you can control that, right? you're controlling all my moves!
Putin: oh i'm gonna eke out being the hero in all this as usual. imma steer Hurricane Dorian over to the Amazon Rainforest to put out that fire. that's putting out two fires in one, i'll be an international hero!
Laertus: why is it that the first topline link to anything i want to search online is the Fox News link. not just political stuff, pop culture stuff, too! i'm sick of it! it's not about both sides, it's about the right side and the Right Side.
Dirg: hey, at least Omar has now had a proper affair, i couldn't stomach anymore brother stuff. and who would leave a beautiful wife like that?, she's the mom from 7th Heaven. she was all our mom.
at First Take, Ros has taken over for Molly Q:
Ros: why have i replaced the Q? cos i'm Gold, baby!
Stephen A: why don't i have my own show yet! tv show. you know why my arm's in a cast? i was trying to prove Carmelo Anthony ain't just a ball hog and can do more with the ball, can pass it as well as score it. he tried to pass the rock to me but the pass was so godawful it broke my arm.
Max: speaking of pass, Andrew Luck is shit out of luck. he can throw, but he was given an unfair shot at life. they never bought him an offensive line, they were too cheap! that's not his fault, he couldn't control that, he was born in the wrong era.
Dirg: he couldn't help being millennial.
Max: the Indie Colts Horsehoe, isn't the horseshoe supposed to bring luck? it didn't bring Andrew Luck.
Laertus: i watch football for the indie-film potential. for the articles. the Hard Knocks drama. that ESPN show Playmakers---scripted mind you but based on real life---that was this great HBO take of take-no-prisoners show that slammed the entire football organization and hierarchy and genre and cult and ESPN took it off the air cos it was TOO real.
Eye Luggage: with the voice of Marvel's Beast as a hired-hand assistant coach in a Florida flamingo shirt and beard, loved it, *laughs*
Dirg: he got roughed up by some motel balcony thugs coming to collect and would have required a neck brace.
Andrew Luck: why'd i get booed at tho? i get none of the luck. *lick*
Bump: cos of Hurricane Andrew...
Federer: i know how Andy here feels. not Roddick. i'm thinking of retirement. hi guys, i'm ready for the podcast. yes i know i'm early. and yes, i am still depressed. i don't want to talk about it.
Dirg: hey man, tough break. speaking of break what happened before the final set? bathroom break? you were in there a while.
Fed: i don't want to talk about it. it wasn't number one or number two it was number three, okay? so...…...something which trumped Lizstomania, Cocomania:
Coco Gauff: mom, dad, i want a tattoo! the same one as Polona Hercog, she inspired me at Wimbledon!
parents: but she has multiple tats!
Coco: exactly. just think, i'll have sleeves! you won't have to buy me overpriced white Wimbledon sweaters anymore!
parents: *rubbing their temples* fuck us, it's started, hasn't it. despite our best effort. i blame YouTube. hold on, honey, we gotta place a call to Capriati. that's not a wine seltzer.
Maria Butina: Overstock.com, see they have overstocked goods cos they're overpriced goods...
Fed: that was cool to see the first-ever Couple Slam in tennis history: both Svitolina AND Gael Monfils win the Slam at the same event.
President Bump: and boy did they ever couple-slam afterwards! i loved that Closing Ceremony, they took down the net and just let those two fuck naked for hours on the tennis court while everyone watched! that's America. even Carlos Ramos was allowed back in to watch! so much sweat, so much sweat on a cloudy day. i got to see ALL their tattoos. i have a special drone only i have given to me by Bill Nye---or Bull Nye as i call him---i use to spy on my enemies, so i took a peek at each of their lockerrooms before their big matches. Gael was sweating, he was worried if he lost that Final he'd lose Svitolina:
Gael: where are you, Svitty?
Svitolina: don't call me shitty.
Gael: it's not true what they say about Italian guys. black guys are better.
Svitolina: don't worry, focus on your theatrics out there. you gotta put on a good show, tennis is WWE! i swear everytime you leap up into the air 20 feet like Mario and come down on that overhead smash my vag gets weak and watery.
Bump: yeah, so that Opening Ceremony: send me that wheelchair-chick Broadway singer over to my office in the Cream House, kay Mooch?
Mooch: no, sir, THAT is where i take a stand.
Bump: what's up with you, Mooch, why are you fucking me? what did i do to you to gain your ire?
Mooch: you've never earned anything in your life, sir. you fired me, sir. then you forced me to continue working for you after the firing, sir. i have the perfect Gordon Gekko hair and it's all wasted on this job!
Bump: didn't you at one time in your life---which means at a press conference---say that you love me?
Mooch: it's called tough love, sir. i have the signatures, but when i put them on your desk to approve them, THAT's when you claim you can't read so the bills don't become laws.
Tom Steyer: fuck the debates, they can't keep me down. i lost by 1 point? come on, what is this, Lupin that bizarre '80s series when Lupin wore a pink jacket that everyone hates? i have all the money in the world, i grow money on magic trees, i'm just gonna go on every cable-news show ever and interview forever...i could have been debate-prepping but now i have all the time in the world. you'll never get rid of this face on your tv! I'M A WINSOME SMILING TREE IMP.
Laertus: hey Tom Steyer, NO ONE hates the '80s, it was a magical bizarre winsome time.
at the House of Commons, Boris Johnson is up shouting across that horizontal pile of gold-green-and-red Indiana Jones tomes:
Bojo: i have the last Popeye's Chicken Sandwich! YES it is I!!! excuse me, Speaker, i gotta check the scores.
Bojo leaves to a neighboring hallway away from view. into an empty elevator. he checks his Pear watch for the latest vote-tally. his Pear watch, though, is an old-fashioned black longstem phone, corded, with the large fluted-flower black receiver. he holds the dial in his masturbating hand. Boris places a call:
Boris: hello? yes, is this Hair Club For Men?
at the Treehouse Washing Machine Room, everything in this room is wood:
Doryce: including my clit. are you doing our weekly wash, my dear?
Gladyce: right away, dear, tho i am frightfully tired.
Doryce: hey watch out, babe, the water level's getting high. here's a rule of burnt thumb: NEVER put the water-level knob to high. always keep it normal level. that prevents flooding, which we don't need, we've already got a hurricane a week.
Gladyce becomes distracted and pushes HIGH on the water level cos she daydreams about going on a cruise with her beloved on water where there's water water everywhere, everywhere the eye can see. and the third eye cos she's dreaming.
the water level in the room gets to the crones' ankles and starts wetting their brown pantyhose and kneehigh socks and britches...
Gladyce: i'm dreaming of steakhouse wedge...
at the Colorado Springs Spiritual Convention, Madame Pons has just gotten done listening to Marianne Williamson and claps as hard as her soft soaped hands can manage while whistling by putting her dirty finger in her mouth. the crowd goes wild.
Marianne: this is a spiritual convention, not a spiritual con.
Pons: she's the best!
Pons runs into Sue Su in the elevator. an elevator that includes a large potted plant and a cactus among the people cramming in.
Pons: hi Sue! what's up with this? why is everyone crushed in here like sardines?
Sue can barely breathe much less talk, there are mouths and pens and posters flying everywhere.
Sue: they've all come for me. isn't it great! i've suddenly become VERY popular, mucho followers.
Pons: how come?
Sue: exactly. i filmed me and my boyfriend fucking and livestreamed it. that quadrupled my followers in one second. don't worry, the heads were cut off. on the tape on the tape.
Pons: oh honey, this is what i warned you about, please be careful. i'll always protect you. like now physically. or when i'm slinging soap at LUSH. i'm always with you, know that. i'm always thinking of you even when i'm not present. how do they know it's you?
Sue: there's a tattoo right above my clitoris that reads SS. it should be fine.
the elevator door opens and the mob empties out in a hazy ragey ball of massive grey cloud, outer bands, no shear, and eye lightning.
at the podcast:
Eye: stay out of the eye, folks, but not this Eye. that Humira commercial, go. that Gadi Schwartz looks like a cool young Clark Kent.
Laertus: you know Gadi Schwartz learned everything about earthquake safety and prep packs and emergency quake kits from children's cereal and having dated Maria LaRosa. before we start leave the last name alone, Dirg.
Dirg: okay the bitch in this Humira commercial is hot as fuck! i mean those legs, those thighs! dat ass! squeezed into those jeans! and those hooker boots! with the innocent-looking striped '70s Gallagher shirt and innocent puppy-dog blue eyes, i mean come on. i love how she's always cooking him steak and comparing heights at her family house and not letting him read her diary and swinging. the swing in her backyard. and she always has that look of concern for him, she even blows off her own parents when she sees he's finally arrived at her front lawn. only he can make her smile. even at a rooftop-party brick bathroom. the more he gets the runs the more she falls in love with him. you know what gets me extra hot when i view this commercial? they're brother and sister!
Laertus: dude.
Dirg: what, they look like brother and sister. her house was his house, it was the family home.
Eye: and moving it right along, The Steven Universe Movie.
Tyzik: nothing more can be said, it's already all been said online.
Laertus: it was quite the lovely love letter to fans, started off creepily slow but it really did find its stride at the end. the new villain Spinel, i grew to love her in the end! of the 90 minutes.
Dirg: '40s rubberhose animation, i loved her. i already drew a paheal of her between commercials. the film played with a lot of old-timey stock elements, old Disney Sleeping Beauty grandeur. and the stars-and-stripes bedazzled-coats-with-tophat song-and-dance-man number at the end, on the many cascading white steps, very MGM, very Family Guy. with the dancers with overstocked overstuffed pink boa feathers. you can tell the Crewniverse watched a lot of Bugs Bunny cartoons to prepare for this. Disney is already suing this movie. who does Spinel remind me of again?
Laertus: Helga from Hey Arnold.
Eye: i want Connie and Steven to kiss. on the lips! make them a couple already, let's go!
Dirg: agreed. have them fuck or it's not as bold a cartoon as they think they are. do it, Rebecca, you've already gotten practiced in with all that offbeat Ed Edd n Eddy porn you drew on napkins at school, she's used to it.
Dirg: speaking of school, spare a thought tonight for the poor sap 8-year-old boy kid with the crewcut who watches this great movie till 7:30 PM then the next morning has to get up at the crack of 7:30 AM after a summer hiatus that ended too creepily fast, to go to a new school, new kindergarten, new middle school, new junior high, new high school, new college, new uni, new postgrad, new PhD. remember how we felt? when school crept up on you like that? this is the most terrifying time of year! stranger in a strange land, with only the memories of Spinel to keep you from getting bullied. why did they keep singing when they were about to speak?
Laertus: oh i dunno maybe cos it's a musical?
Dirg: Spinel's rubberhose penis, that proves all the Crystal Gems are male.
Eye: when Spinel was singing in her abandoned planet, and waiting for 6000 years, i got flashbacks to that Futurama dog.
Laertus: or all the poor pets from Dr. Stone. why didn't Lars have a line?
Dirg: cos he's pink, that's discrimination.
Laertus: or his relationship with Sadie is sketchy at best.
Dirg: fact is, this movie was mostly filler. cos it was one huge explanation for the newbies. Steg, the fusion between Steven and Dad, was...
Eye: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. why does Steven have a neck tho?
Dirg: to mess with the animators. why was it commercial-free? it was 90 minutes nonstop. i had to pee.
Neale: me, too.
Eye: also to mess with the animators. they had to work nonstop animating this thing without peeing. i like how they were honest with the fact that Steven had a bad mom, i could relate, made me closer with my mom when we watched it together.
Dirg: you know why this movie was wonky? cos it was unnecessary, the series had already wrapped up, then they had to produce more content, it was like Dragon Ball. suddenly Pink Diamond has a playmate no one had ever heard of. what the hell is Season 6 gonna be!!? more manufactured chaos to disrupt the already-happy ending.
Laertus: bra. Steven Universe is insanely popular.
Dirg: yes but why, i never got that, never understood that. i represent the minority online, i'm for that poor sap 8-year-old boy kid who just doesn't get what all the hoopla is about, who thinks equality and gender fluidity are strange concepts, the young man who wants the world hard. who thinks that poisoning young minds to the Left will have consequences far more dire to the planet than Climate Change. it doesn't pay to outreach, it leads to far more outreaching consequences. he doesn't want to see his little sister become a genderqueer simply by watching a tv show! the boy, the kid out there with the crewcut who defies the Crewniverse and the Obama Agenda!
Laertus: bra, it's just a cartoon. at least Steven seems to have recovered from his deep depression rather quickly. the Steven voice actor i mean.
Eye: Legend, go, we're running out of time.
Laertus: exactly. this film represents a tale that is so old in human history it's like the first cogent cohesive coherent tale ever told between tribes of the earliest humans to keep them entertained and solidly connected while sitting on bear-god skins, a story of good and evil that is older than the written word or even speech.
Dirg: in other words, Tom Cruise's Scientology language.
Eye: Mia Sara, amirite? i mean fuck. and this was BEFORE Ferris Bueller! just think about that for a moment.
Laertus: talk about mood whiplash. what do we make of Tim Curry's Devil?
Dirg: i honestly thought he'd be from India.
Eye: like he was scary. creepy. but also fuckable. he had that glint in his eye like he wasn't all bad, he could joke around, too. those sinews on his muscles, yummy, lickable, like Mexican wrestlers. i could see myself fucking Satan for pleasure.
Dirg: isn't that what you need to do to become a goth?
Eye: no, that's get inspired by the dress and dark makeup and dark dancing and black lipstick and pointy Maleficent punk spikes of Black Mia Sara!
Dirg: isn't Mia Sara already black? half-black.
Eye: that was the first time i heard the term alicorn. i always thought it was a vibrator.
Laertus: those poor unicorns! like elephants. i kept thinking about those working horses on set having to run ragged for our human pleasure. you could tell the ENTIRE movie was filmed inside a HUGE warehouse studio in downtown Burbank or something. the outside scenes were a little too cavernous.
Dirg: see? a bitch fucked up mankind. she caused the downfall of man, she caused all the sin in the world.
Laertus: for petting? light petting? why? plus it plays into the whole thing that all women love horses and can't control themselves.
Dirg: if she had just become a baker's daughter like her nanny told her none of this would have happened...did you see how Tom Cruise had a hard time jumping? he can't do shit without a harness and rope zip, he can't flip like he does his bottles in Cocktail.
Llywarch: who's that pygmy goatboy on screen? he's copying me!
Laertus: Honeythorn Gump was scarier than the Lord of Darkness. nuclear take i know. something creepy in those eyes. he was like 20 but looked 12. that one devil's servant at the beginning had a scarier voice than the Lord, must have been the dub. Honeythorn should have eaten more boxed chocolate, his eyes always had the look of being filled with acid. i would never have guessed the riddle, right? you needed inside information, it wasn't like trying to answer why the chicken crossed the road.
Eye: you needed to know that particular breed of flower in the land. Zelda copied that reflecting light off mirrors thing for their puzzles.
Dirg: i'd fuck Meg Mucklebones, i don't care. they'll let anyone into Starfleet these days. and why didn't Tom Cruise want to fuck Oona? can you imagine the singular sensation of having a tiny fairy inside your penishole? what exactly was the moral of this movie? after all the alternate endings.
Eye: Tom Cruise is a damn good swimmer. or the Devil needs better food.
Laertus: dunno it's very confusing. it's, like, innocence and everything, but humanity can never really hold onto innocence. the Devil will always kinda win in the end. i guess i'll go with this: we are all animals.
Laertus: but the point is this: THIS FILM IS THE MOST FUCKED-UP PG MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!
at the cons, there's a con for every stripe, every type, every flavor. Marianne mixes it with Madonna who mixes it with MC McPeepants who mixes it with Pokimane. Dirg finds himself milling amongst the crowds hungry but not that hungry. a tall woman in a tall luxurious green emerald twinkling ballroom-gown dress with huge silvery glaze wings and green polka dots for cheeks approaches him.
Gala: hello there. stranger. i'm Gala the Elf.
Dirg: nice D.Va cosplay.
Gala: thanks. i see you staring at the Jack In The Box over there. it's weird seeing a Jack In The Box completely inside a convention center.
Dirg: i want to go in, but…
Gala: there's a Starbucks right next to it if you're sick of Mountain Dew...
Dirg: it's not that, it's just...well, i don't like talking to servers---having to interact with humans---when i get my fast food.
Gala: you are so millennial i love it!
Dirg: like that black guy, famous gamer guy who offed. he couldn't help what era he was born in, he literally died by tech. he died because of all the technology surrounding him. that is so lame, i ain't going out like that...i ain't going out! poor sap, he had so much potential. he was smart and funny and handsome, he knew all the references, if he had been born in a different era he would have become the First Obama!
Gala: feeling hungry now?
Dirg: you're easy to talk to. what's your name?
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