* Seacrest out
* that old-timey cold open was just terrible
* ah, the '90s...
* wait, no Oscars for Streep from 92-95? that's when Cobain was active! MERYL STREEP WAS KURT COBAIN!!!
* Jimmy Kimmel: look at the Oscar statue. naked, holding his sword...
* Mary J Blige, we need to collect all that rain later! Californis's been in a drought since Jerry Brown created the state before God. he was at fault. it was too dry, had too much brush, and was directly over a fault. inauspicious beginning.
* Barbra Streisand: my beloved nurse, fetch me my sleeping powder in the oval goblet with the yellow lilac.
nurse: whatever for, miss?
Barbra: i cloned my dog. now i need to forget that i cloned my dog so it just seems like my good old dog is licking my face.
* Timothee Chalamet: oh well. what do i do now?
Timothee's mom: there's this new series on NBC called Rise you could audition for...............perhaps you could go back to school?
Timothee: LaGuardia High School is not a real school. mom, i love you but i want a Violetta Komyshan.
Timothee's mom: Jennifer Lawrence talked to me at the Vanity Fair party. she asked for my permission to fuck you.
Jennifer Lawrence: it's gonna be so cool finally being the older woman! first nudity, now this!
* *Sam Rockwell dances up the steps*
* Jimmy Kimmel: Guillermo?
Jimmy Kimmel: no, not you, the del Toro Guillermo.
* Tiffany Haddish: dammit, my name's not that hard to pronounce! it's like a refined hash. i've had it!
* props to Tiffany for representin' Eritrea. y'know in fourth grade we all learned about Ethiopia but i didn't find out Eritrea was even a thing until my senior year of high school...
* not catch: stars in your movie house.
catch: the movie playing is that god-awful Strangers horrible horror mess.
* Jimmy: but unfortunately hot-dog guns are not allowed in movie theatres. Armie Hammer? your name sounds like what my 9-year-old self would eat in a Tide pod.
* to help celebrate Coco, Taco Bell tacos are currently falling from the rafters onto your heads! one free taco limit one per celebrity. Oscar Sunday only. give the free one to your understudy.
* BB-8 squawks onstage.
Mark Hamill: alright, BB-8, you're in the way now. you're tripping all the presenters! fuck you, BB-8.
Mark Hamill kicks BB-8 like a soccer ball into the rafters.
Mark Hamill: World Cup. this summer. only on Fox Sports Channel. force your local provider.
* Allison Janney: Joanne Woodward was my mentor. i had to eat a lot of salad dressing. The West Wing should be the most-popular show on tv NOW when it's really needed!
* Keegan-Michael Key: so i'll see you at work tomorrow?...
Jordan Peele: naw, man, naw.
Keegan: *voice falters* we promised. we promised each other that time we got locked in a Chinese nail salon we'd never let our heads get too big for each other, we'd make fun of that.
Jordan Peele: *crying* love ya, baby. goodbye.
* okay Common's like fuck this i'm the one who's gonna get political tonight if you don't like it push sand and throw rocks
* James Ivory: remember when the Oscars were good? when the Oscars were in the '80s? real glitz and tape-delayed glamor? long but not 2002 long? remember Merchant/Ivory? why do we have to die? why can't we be encased in ivory soap?
* Darla K Anderson: i'm the gay Meryl Streep. i have just as much gravitas.
* i feel it, Daniela. i'll have whatever love Daniela Vega is currently on.
* Kobe: does this count as a 6th Ring? i am tied with Jordan now?
* Greta Gerwig: my name sound like a bedbug. send me your movie you made on your phone.
* Kumail: you're just jealous my wife is hot. do you hear how i speak, with that upper-middlecrust English lip-pursing cadence? i speak the language better than you do! you go back to your original country!
* Oscar winner to wife: whatever.
* Agnes Varda waves. Christopher Plummer starts to rap.
* Christopher Plummer: people think i'm English. i'm the most serious Canadian who has ever lived.
* that Song category was intense. you had those two epic anthemic songs up against each other. it just wasn't a fair competition. those two songs coincidentally are both featured in NBC's Rise coming soon.
* Eddie Vedder: i thought my music would bring Kurt back...
* Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren.
Jane: now WE are the real black-and-white cookie!
Helen: why does the stage look like a Stargate? did we teleport here?
Jane: in a manner of speaking. as you can see, we're hoarding all the aluminum for this stage frontispiece before it's too late.
Helen: i looked better when i was a blue-haired Price is Right girl.
Jane: i'm not an old bluehair like you.
Helen: i can pull it off. my hair is frosty blue.
Jane: oh go sit on the Orgasmatron.
* did Jennifer Lawrence suddenly grow taller?
* Jodie Foster arrives on the stage on crutches.
Jodie: it was Streep.
Jennifer Lawrence makes the Jenna Marbles face.
Jodie: this isn't patter. Streep really did kneecap me.
* Gary Oldman: this piece of gold is fine but my real prize was getting my girlfriend to marry me.
girlfriend: i wouldn't have cuffed him if he hadn't let me fuck him in his Churchill suit.
* Nest commercial: son, respect women. a prom date is just that, a date. if you end up in jail i have this Nest security system here installed in the house which will keep you out.
* Frances McDormand: Inclusion Rider..................................is not a Harley motorcycle.
* Frances: i'm frightened by this. Hilary Swank. see? see what happens when you win two Oscars?
* Guillermo del Toro looks so different now than when we was young. must be the beard. Guillermo del Toro is everyone's grandpa, the World Grandfather who likes to drink beer and just happens to be a big magical troll.
* Warren Beatty: and the Oscar goes to.....................La La Land. it's only fair.
Faye Dunaway: you realize all of our years of hard work and love onscreen is in the toilet now, right? we will only ever be known for this forever.
* i don't know what i'd do if i won an Oscar. it would all be a blur. i would walk on steps but not remember them. i would stand on there onstage for five minutes and not say one word. total silence and burning light. air so dead it joined the anxiety-laden artist from the 405 doc. so frozen the jet-ski would need to be a snowmobile.
* right at the start of the telecast my large afro started itching. i spent the remainder of the telecast in pain. my head at that spot must be a red-as-lava mess by now, infected with worms. right after i doused the spot with five dabs of medicinal shampoo. when does a dab stop being a dab and become a quarter? i couldn't shower so i removed the pile of squirts with a paper towel. i really need a haircut.
* assembled fashion-hound newbies i've never seen before in my life at the E! table: wait, why aren't we coming live right after the broadcast?
Ryan Seacrest arrives unfashionably late at 11PM carrying a cough button.
* little did Jimmy Kimmel know Matt Damon was in the control booth making sure the correct envelope was read.........
* who knew Jimmy Kimmel would end up more famous than Ben Stein?
1. what food is your city known for? Starbucks food
2. what should people do when visiting your city? run
3. what do people do when they come to your home? stuff their raging mouths into my throw-pillow and sob inconsolably about how their lives just didn't turn out the way they expected.
4. what should people expect when they visit you? in my village if you step foot in another man's property you take over the mortgage.
bonus: if you were a chair who would you like to have sit on you? the librarian
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