Friday, March 16, 2018



* guru: guys before we start, i'm okay with the blind jokes. just treat me like any other Earthling.

* woman in knit cap with blond tufts sticking out: does this map show the Peninsula Trail?
shopkeeper: what, you ask the blind man cos i'm black?
man: isn't that where that senator fucked his Argentine mistress?
guru: let me touch that. wow, a folding map. haven't held one of these since i got GPS installed in my bionic eyes.

* woman: that was creepy how you just unannounced started speaking from the corner.
guru whacks her with his walking stick.
guru: i can't see you but i can already tell you look like some sort of female version of Kurt Cobain. these are the mythic rough Seattle Woods, where lumberjacks and legends are born.

* man: you're making the Jenna Marbles face again.
woman: no it's my Lucy eughhhhh face. i just don't know if we can trust him.
man: his paunch belly indicates he's a beerdrinker. if you can't trust a beerdrinker in this crazy world...

* guru destroys the taillight of the Subaru with his walking stick.
guru: cheap-ass car.

* woman: what's in the back of your hay truck there?
guru: my axe i mean my dog Sir Ray Charles.

* guru: you hungry?
woman: well i am eating for two.
man: what what? we haven't fucked yet this is our second date.

* the trio inhale their food deeply.
black patron next to them: crazy white folk.
Flo: are you gonna eat those grits i prepared for you? i kissed them myself.
guru: no thank you, ma'am, we came here just to smell the salty air.
man: hey are you Flo from Progressive?
Flo: *a coffee pot in each hand* no i'm Flo from Mel's Diner. damn millennials.

* guru: feel the wind?
guru falls off the cliff.
woman: fuck.
guru flies up five minutes later.
guru: when one sense is lost, the rest of the senses heighten. i can fly.

* guru: if you listen closely you can hear the Purrgil.
man: thank you i'm gonna need Purell now that i just found out my girlfriend is cheating on me. i thought i could stop masturbating for a while.
woman: i miss Star Wars Rebels already. it's easily my favorite show. i loved how Hera became a strong single mother at the end.
guru: i didn't like how Kanan regained his sight just before he died. blindness is not a disease to be cured.
man: i wonder what Pablo Hidalgo is doing right now. let's detour to his office and find out. ROAD TRIP!

* guru: this is my favorite part of the forest.
woman: where you're gonna kill us?
guru: Harry Potter learned his first spell right at this spot.
man trips over a blocking branch.
guru: how am i the blind one and you trip over the branch? idiot.
woman: you have such mesmerizing eyes.
guru: thank you. grab ahold of my shoulder and i'll guide you.
woman: humans aren't allowed to touch each other anymore.

* guru: just shut up and the owls fucking.

* guru laughs.
Hedwig poos on the couple's heads.
woman: come on, man, that was my best beanie.
man: i'm Desmond from Lost.
guru: i'm Hagrid. the roles kinda dried up. i'm not exactly the size of a leading man. i got a pet owl and lived in the woods. i like to watch, but the owl didn't like me watching him mate. the owl pooed in my eyes and the rest is history.


happy weekend, my babies. my Brackets are already busted. i chose Providence cos they have a kick-ass ninja for a logo...

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