* how is this not an AARP commercial?
* all can be explained. the teeth are props, she's a propmistress. the pills, well it's Hollywood. remember when alarm clocks had those annoying bells? now with smartphones you never have to wake up
* company policy: we're not gonna be ageist. you can fly a plane no matter what your age. but you have to look kempt and presentable. you must comb your hair. your one hair.
* lady in red: *singing* Lady in Red.............why can't these stairmasters be faster?................i got my fucking cane stuck in the fucking railing!!!
* desk jockette: i'm 85 and i want to go home.
me: wait, Class of '43? so you're either 93 or 96 depending on whether you Class high school or college.
desk jockette: i'll put it to you this way. Walt Disney fucked me in '37 when Snow White came out. i was his inspiration for Snow White. so whatever year that makes that less illegal for Walt.
* guru man: clocking out at 9AM. life is all.
* man on scooter: what the fuck is that contraption? those stupid fidget spinners?
Apple genius: i'm on a hoverboard.
man on scooter: but it doesn't hover.
Apple genius: your scooter is not street-legal.
man on scooter: i'll never understand the young people of today. did you get this job cos of how you are?
Apple genius: come on, man.
* UPS lady: i don't mind this pile of boxes crowding my vision. but for the love of fuck get me form-fitting shorts!
* old doctor with saw: this is for all the heartache you put me and your mother through, son. and for all those god-awful horror movies you made me sit through.
* old referee: don't touch the refs! you could kill me!
* old woman window-washing on a high-rise: this is the only way society will ever see an elderly person anymore.
* old man in fire-retardant suit and gloves: I SAID I WANTED TO WINTER IN FLORIDA BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!
* Savannah was where Baywatch was secretly filmed. that's why it went on forever, cheaper location costs.
* me: how'd you snag that red babe boobing slowly on the beach?
old lifeguard: i'm that 100-year-old guy with his shirt off that did the pole vault. the doctor, check the Jim Rome footage.
me: i'm sure you don't mind getting CPR from her.
old lifeguard: i had to give her CPR. she choked on a bone in the baked potato served at bingo.
* old fireman: FLYBOARDING MOTHERFUCKER!
me: i'm surprised you even know what that is.
old fireman: at my age, getting the first letter right is an accomplishment. firemen are boring anyway, see them all the time in Florida...
* DJ Nana: i got Skrillex's hair stuck in my dentures.
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happy weekend, my babies. I'M SO EXCITED FOR SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES RETURNS NEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!