1. with whom would you like to take a bath? my cats. and Noops my dogfather.
2. you are in a motorcycle riding hard down a country road, wind in your hair. who is the hottie on the bike with you? are you riding or driving? that Flo Progressive commercial huh. it's not a true country road unless there is no road. i'm bald but i still break wind. a sunglassed Flo is in front of me driving and that AT&T girl with the big...names is in the back of me for protection. Milana Vayntrub, too much woman for me, too many exotic names, i can only peep her from her vain tub as she swims up to heaven. i am scared of driving cars, so...that's like asking Garfield to suddenly start eating eggplant lasagna. do i ride bitch? yes, yes i do.
3. baking naked---who is kneading your dough? Mary Berry. i waited that entire two hours watching the Christmas special but i never saw her soggy bottom. very disappointing. i thought PBS was more progressive than that.
4. come sail away, come sail away, come and sail away with me! who is joining you for a sexy sea adventure? Christopher Cross. i heard he only takes off his stetson when he makes the sign of the cross. he never makes the sign of the cross shortly before getting out on stage with his double-barreled guitar (which does look kinda silly), he only prays when he sails cos he admitted in a magazine once he doesn't know how to sail and only wrote that song cos SpongeBob blew his mind the first time he watched it.
5. "i got your back." hands down who do you fully support? stick by no matter what, who are you willing to help at all costs? my chiropractor. to keep my costs low. he said my insurance premiums would rise if i didn't do everything in his rider. when he puts his hands on my back they're always sticky. i need this. microfracture surgery is too expensive. Tommy John is dead. all i know how to do in this world is play tennis. i boxed myself into a corner when i beat that Russian boxer. i forgot the match was fixed and went all out and won. I was supposed to lose. it was fishy how my opponent just stood there on court like a dead fish and never went after anything. now i have to play in the Olympics even if i think tennis is starting to get boring. this isn't like the old days when Chris Evert walked onto some muni court in Pomona with a literal tree branch for a racquet and the crowd was just happy to be there cos they were listening to Band of Gold for the first time.
bonus: belly button---inny or outty? are you going to show us? inny. really inny. my bellybutton is an electrical socket. wanna see? there. see it?
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