Mooch: does the audience want any poppers? i got veal Marengo.
Bump: there's something not quite right about veal. it's too mob gangsterish. not a good look for me, i'm almost halfway there.
Oprah: sir do you have a message for all those out there who are suffering and are at odds with themselves and their environment?
Bump: it's being handled. don't think how. think how come. my boss knows what's up. i should know, i was a boss once. we all must vanquish together. it's not about Republican or Democrat or Independent. we are all one party, the Party of Lincoln.
Anderson: i'm an independent Independent.
Bump: i'm a fair-minded person. leave the vanquished with something, Anderson always used to say on that sports-debate show on tv in the mornings. my message is simple: we all gon die.
Mooch: i know, sir, we all know this, but that's just not helpful coming from your position.
Bump: to whom it may concern: so whom should i choose, folks? let's hear the roar either way. tell you what, this is a grand occasion. and i can't choose believe me. i'll give it to the womanbitch who can successfully drink this Veuve Clicquot from this high-heel. my goblets are gams. hey Oprah i'm having such a great time on your show i want my exit to be grand. can we take a break? i need to change out of these clothes into something more comfortanble. suit slip. i need a wardrobe malfunction.
Oprah: uh, okay i guess. we'll be right back.
Oprah: and we're back. you seem to have come back out, Mickey, in a soldier's uniform. hardly cotton.
Bump: infirm maybe? uninformed?
Swan: that's the uniform of the Romanov Family.
Bump: Party of Lincoln. get on your knees, Mavis! that's it, chug up! you've never drunk anything like that in your life. but you've drunk. whom should i pick, people?
the mob swerves, sways, and stammers.
Bump: who should i choose, Nancy? who should i choose, Chuck? who should i choose, strange lady? who's that?
Oprah: it's Ted Cruz's stepmom.
Bump: take her away she ugly.
woman: *dragged away by cops* i know who shot JFK!..................
Bump: i'm having just the best festive time. i'm in such a great mood, you know what i'm gonna do to your loyal mom viewers? FREE VACATIONS FOR EVERYONE! we're all gojng to the U.S. Virgin Islands! i hear it's a paradise down there right now. blue and white. tropical but not too exotic. they probably won't let me in cos........you know..............i'm not a virgin. let's go everyone! vamanos!
Anderson: how do you feel? i have to get that in every segment.
on the plane instead of peanuts high-energy biscuits and plumpy'nut are served.
Bump: i hear the full-moon hikes are nice there.
Swan: that's Bryce Canyon.
Mooch: my cousin is buried there.
Bump: i tried to play Knock Knock Ginger on the cockpit door but the pilot's no fun. in-flight movie is boring. oh wait, who's that on tv?
the Pope: *Beats by Dre headphones* Carol Lee.
Bump: *dorky-looking headphones* she's fucking ravishing! rush her in for me when nobody's lookin', wouldya?
Pope: sure, i'll, uh, greet her at the door.
Bump: ALALALALALALALAL!!!.....................Greek war cry.
the first light the two boys see is the Statue of Liberty's torch, held by the hooded figure.
the boy: what is this? who are you?
hooded figure: get out of there, that's no place for life!
the man: *being lifted up* bless the stars! you are friendly. i can tell by your voice.
hooded figure: we even did that thing where we shook the elbows of each other's arms. we are true bros! what do you call this dirtball you live on?
the man and the boy: home.
hooded figure: Kepler according to our flying horse.
the horse is flung over.
boy: sweet ride you got there.
hooded figure: those old things? our pony car in space. you guys were burrowed deep within one of the newest grounds this place has, did you know that?
man: are you our guardian? our savior woman?
hooded figure: alright alright i can take a hint. man it's hot here! is your sun twice the size of our sun or something?
the hooded figure removes her hood and reveals her smile for the first time. she is Amelia Earhart.
Amelia: *smiling* okay let's get to it. you, too, you two! everyone hold hands in a circle and let's get to the ceremony. surprises are better sung. you really had no idea huh?
the Men From the East: we are Japanese if you please...
Amelia: you guys are always japing around. enough of that drivel, let's get to real music! cool it with the cozen, cousins.
man: please, ma'am, leave your hoodie off. you are so pretty.
Amelia: oh thanks sweet stuff but i sing better with it on.
BY THEIR NEWLY-DUG SPOT THEY CHANT THEIR HOARSE HEARTS DRY
boy: you have a lovely voice, miss. it bellows as if from a womb.
Amelia: and now, ladies and gentlemen, i am going down.
Amelia quickly falls asleep on her stomach under an elm.
slowly but surely the site of the burial ground crumbles and planes. up rises the impressive figure, the 20-foot woman pluming in grey and amber smoke. in a thin lacey gown of milk. barefoot, toes scratched with snakebites. her shoulders are narrow and pillowy and her forearms are unusually long. her hair blends with outer space. she has one eye that's a black hole and her other eye is...blue. when she talks a tinny organ plays along. she wears a crown of stars.
Madchen: phew. ow. gesundheit. i would have liked to sleep more but whatever. it's all seeing back to me now. i was bare to birth and out borne a born. and now i have my bearings. i see the bear in the sky. this is the Beta Crucis. your astronomy is our art. this is the Caverne du Pont-d'Arc in another timeline, crucial to prevent war. gimme. gimme my sword.
horse: hungry eyes. right.
the horse lets go of her mouth and slobbers the Sword of Saad in her hand.
Madchen: this led you to me? you could have just called.
horse: lost it. and you are a number.
Peggy: i hate when you call me that.
Madchen: Peggy Sue!
Madchen: my what a glorious steed you've become! you're a veritable gray now!
Peggy: am i? i never got a chance to look at myself the entire trip. where's a mirror?
Peggy saddles up to the lake.
Peggy: you're right, i'm hot! this is why i never actually drink the water when i get led to it. you must preserve this natural resource, my lordess.
Madchen: you didn't notice the sandhill crane on your back, did you?
Peggy: *shooing* shut up!
Peggy flies on her one wing to Madchen's shoulder. on the back of Madchen's back grows one whale of a tattered wing of blood red. it cuts into her backbone and sprouts tiny feathers. Peggy melts into pure light and forms Madchen's other wing.
Madchen picks up a sleeping Amelia and eats her.
Madchen: not letting this one get away. she's one-of-a-kind. what say you, boys? how are you holding up?
Men From the East: ALAY! thank you for noticing us! *bows in unison*
Sun: hey hey hey! what's all this then?
Madchen: ugh great, you! you're already starting to dry out all the water from your mere presence.
Madchen takes the Sword of Saad and holds it longways to her lips. she blows on it and her ice breath scuttles off the blade and into the Sun's nose. the Sun turns into a monstrous snowball the size of a Super Dragon Ball.
Sun: da fuck?
the Sun's lips are chapped. his expression is forever frozen in a fuckface.
Madchen: who's up for a snowball fight? gotta get some circulation in these old creaky bones, they've been fossilized for a billion years. now then, time to work. you think you boys can build a civilization again on this spot?
Men: sure! we like to create our lands separate from what everybody else is doing.
the men from Japan finish the pyramid by sunsets. they enjoy sweet clams caught in the nets around their new structure.
boy: that's pretty. it's so big!
Men: it's the small version. but closer to our hearts. it's the ancient Mexican pyramid.
Madchen: and so...
the boy clutches Madchen's ankle and blushes. the man rubs Madchen's leg and blushes.
Madchen: which of you wants to leave this embarrassing situation? a mother knows.
the man: if you don't mind, if it's all the same to you and all our new friends gathered here, i'd like to stay. i feel i can help. there's so much to learn. my eyes have been opened against my will.
Madchen: and you, my child?
the boy nods and spits out his drink.
the man and the boy: yes.
Madchen winks at the boy. with her black-hole eye.
the boy is a star...........
..................he no feel. he know