Monday, June 23, 2014


school is not cool, kids, it's a nightmare. share a memory:

1. English: this is the only subject that matters. i loved all all of my English teachers, especially one that was a Cosby Show dragon-lady type whom everyone else despised but i knew even at an early age was good for me. i'll write about her in a future short story. speaking of stories, all i am is stories, that's what i do, i write. although i have to say, i'm not sure it exactly was my teachers or the fact that i picked up a Choose Your Own Adventure book with filthy covers entitled You Are a Shark lodged in a crack behind a liquor store one day that engendered my lifelong eternal love of the word.

2. History: kindly old fat man with a grey beard and beanie who wore a I GET ALL THE DATES shirt

3. Foreign Language: my Latin teacher was Fox Mulder himself, see above. we never learned any Latin, we were on permanent field-trip mode looking for his sister...

4. Psychology: also Mulder. Mulder didn't care about any of us students, he would just lecture on for hours and hours about his psycho-sexual proclivities and inability to keep a girlfriend because of his obsessions and his OCD and crisis of faith since he wanted to believe but really he just liked that poster and the time he gave his platonic friend Scully sperm.

5. Math: my math teacher was a kindly old man with a grey beard, the pic above Mulder up above there. smart guy, but book smart, not street smart. yeah, one day at lunch, we all saw him being taken away. the principal, who is our PAL, told us he was going to math camp.

6. Physics: i hated science when i was a kid, i was english or bust. but like everyone else i saw the "Physical" Olivia Newton-John video and converted.

7. Chemistry: everyone learns this hard lesson in chemistry class: it doesn't matter how hot she is, if there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry.

8. Biology: penis + vagina = (one second of) happiness

9. Gym: that's not funny. i don't want to think about it. never again. it's a miracle i'm still alive. i fucking hated shirts and skins because of my skinny hairless chest. still do at the company picnic, for the same reason. love Skins, though.

bonus: Sex Ed: any lasting lessons? surprising information? was it helpful later in life? see that banana flasher up above there? he taught the class. i think i know how to use a condom, but...




JustLikeHeaven said...

Field trips are always fun. I wish I was in your Latin class.

Juliette said...

I like the sound of Mulder's psychology class.

You're certainly all about the stories, sweet Phoenix and may that always remain so :)

Catherine Martinique said...

too funny.
The only kids who liked gym class were the jocks. I wonder how many of them are still athletic looking?
Great Share.
Happy TMI

the late phoenix said...

jlh: Fox Mulder is Latin for sexy.

juli: my stories are all i've got. i'm too nervous to drive.

catherine: thanks. yep, i was born a nerd and made a goth.

Sammi said...

Latin class was always fun...vidi, vici, veni (yes, in that order :-) )

Happy TMI!

the late phoenix said...

sammi: ha! yeah, for me it was always veni veni veni.