TMIT: TEAR OF A BEAR

Olympics final learned:

* ice hockey, US v Canada: loser gets Bieber. loser got Bieber, right?

* Noelle Pikus-Pace is a milf on ice. she does the skeleton, which is badass verging on insane. the skeleton is like the luge but on your stomach. the skeleton is like going down the course in a four-man bobsled but you're the only man and there's no bobsled.

* the Jamaican bobsled team...is still going strong.

* ice dancing is tender, sensual foreplay. pairs figure-skating is rough sex.

* NBC is cool, but as you watch their Olympics, you must also sit through all their interminable commercials for all their new shows that are coming up after the Games. i didn't mind that 'cause it made money sense (cents), but one commercial i saw 50 times turned me into a pothead without the legal pot: the one with Tim Allen and his microwave and his own Home-Improvement disaster coming up on the next Ellen...

* that tear of Misha, coupled with Laika this weekend on Space Dandy, really got me in the feels, although let's all agree to retire the lulz term "feels" forever. animals will do that to me. that whole scene shot a nostalgia arrow into my knee, to the '80s, the 1980 Moscow Games Misha's Tear and the '84 games in L.A. those L.A. Games were my first recollection of the Olympics at all, we were living right next to the venues, too, though we never went in person. i distinctly remember the memory of going to McDonald's to get a set of commemorative white plastic cups with Olympic symbols on them: the track guy running, the swimmer, the gymnast, the stars, and the rings. i'd like to think i still have those cups. i was always skinny, but back then, one small hamburger from MickeyD's filled me up. now it takes one small cheeseburger from there to do it, i've grown up quite a lot over the years, i'm a man now.

* did you see the Closing Ceremonies? see how they mocked their own mistake with that one ring that wouldn't open in the Opening Ceremonies? now see, THAT's how you do it in life. when you make a mistake that's broadcast globally all around every corner of the world, you can't hide from it, but you wake up the next morning and USE THAT EXACT THING in your next piece/post/ceremonies. always make fun of yourself, humor is the only thing which can get you through, get you taking the next step forward. lessons, lessons...

1. what have you done this year that you haven't before? accepted my fate.

2. you are on a deserted island with only 5 books. they are? 1) Cooking With Sand 2) How to Turn Any Island Into the Lost Island 3) Networks, We Want Lost Back. And While You're At It, Bring Back Heroes, Too. 4) Coconut Milk: Who Knew It Could Do That? 5) Learning To Love Yourself...When There's Nobody Else Around

3. we all grow and change over time, if we're normal. what two things do you miss about the old you? 1) i didn't accept my fate. 2) i had a bigger penis back then.

4. how would you define and calculate "sexual satisfaction"? man meets woman + internet = hopes up + real life = hopes dashed + internet ruins everything = masturbation alone in my room

+ eventually getting a pet fish = :)

OR Snickers = satisfies.

5. porn: has it ever been good or bad in your relationship? this is a trick question. it's like saying, do fish need water? yes and no, every thing needs water. we are mostly water and mostly empty space. God is both Everything and Everything That Is Not. Nothing is still Something.

bonus: is there a secret you'd like to share? i am really a highly-sophisticated computer program that will run forever, churning out blogspot posts every MWF even after the end of time. even though i am not human, i am more human than anyone else because i'm a machine that needs love.

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