Friday, June 28, 2013


what's the most important item in the news currently? that bloodbath at Wimbledon of course, that unique day when many top seeds in both the men's and the women's were upset or retired due to various ailments COUGH COUGH WET GRASS, all occurring on the same day, an historic clusterfuck for the tournament's future ratings next week. i mean, seriously, what the fuck happened? tennis is a star-driven sport, it's not football or baseball or ball ball, no team, just you, mano v. mano, it's solitary, a loner's sport, that's why i adore it. without the stars, you literally have nothing. watching for the pure love of the game? respect for the sport? rubbish. i tried, i tried one time to watch Djokovic vs. Berdych JUST to watch tennis, my brain couldn't comprehend and went into emergency sleep mode. i have a Ghost In The Shell cyber-brain in case you're wondering. without my stars to watch, my favorites, i can't do it, i fall in line with the rest of the masses who claim that tennis is boring, i have to agree in such cases.

...The Great Fed's career seems to be closing sooner rather than later...

...Sharapova and Serena quarreling over the same man, the same tennis stud who plays on tour. i must meet this man and copy his charms, fuck that VH1 guy's mating techniques, the proof is in the pudding, this dude is getting it done: Serena AND Sharapova? finally something to spice up this rivalry, the head-to-head speaks to this never being a started so well, too, with Shazza's princess win vs. Serena at Wimby which vaulted Sharapova out of Kournikova territory...i love tennis (babes) despite everything...

...Wimbledon's tedious to watch now...

i need my Federer, my Fed, my man-crush. Fed's loss in the second round wasn't just a freak accident i'm afraid, it wasn't just that he was caught up in the upset bug like everyone else that day...

...yeah, also, i forgot, there's no more Sharapova, no Shazza, AND no Azarenka and her sexy grunting, i watch women's tennis for the athleticism...i watch women's tennis for the babes...that was my cyber-brain correcting itself, it will always spit out the truth, it's a machine incapable of lying, like Data the android...'s indicative of something more with my beloved Fed. sure, this uncanny defeat breaks that insane consecutive Quarterfinal-appearance record at Slams he held which will probably never be broken...of course we all think his Ultimate Slam Record will never be broken but along comes Nadal and his uncertain, wobbly knees...we thought Sampras's record would NEVER be broken before Switzerland gave up trying to be neutral and graced us with Maestro Roger... but Fed isn't in it for the streaks snapped or the money, money buys happiness. he wants to be THE legend, THE icon. he is still, right? McEnroe recently proclaimed Nadal as the GOAT: Greatest of All Time. ol' Johnny Boy had a little egg on his face after Nadal's curious first-round defeat (his first-ever at a Slam) at this Wimbledon. perhaps not so curious, knees hurt after all. i still like Mac, i love him in fact, he's the best color announcer in tennis history, he should be our very first Tennis Commissioner, but i have to admit, his siding with the Dark Side hurt me. ESPN despises Fed, all of their columns do their utmost to trash him as hard and often as they can, i still don't know what that's about, Fed must have brushed aside an interview opportunity with Bud Collins or something and they've declared war on neutral Switzerland ever since. is it just that they can't forgive the foreigner who broke the American Sampras's record? they will never get over this? is it the posh RF sweaters that Fed wears? that he would be crushed in an MMA fight? that he kind of just lucked into his 17 Majors because he happened to become dominant when the rest of the field became incredibly "weak"? it's one of those chicken-and-egg scenarios: is it that Fed dominated everyone in the field so it seemed easy to rack up all those titles, or were the other players just a bunch of hacks and Fed easily conquered them all just being an above-average player?

go watch the youtube vid FEDERER PLAYING TENNIS AS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE and we can debate more after that...after you don your monk robe and perform your morning chants.

when i was young, i thought nothing would rip baseball from my top throne, i was all about baseball, i played Little League (badly), it was just my thing, there was nothing better. then a wild-haired dude with a dangling earring and a lanky Greek guy who stuck out his tongue like Jordan when he served and ate a ton of bananas during sideline breaks entered my tv screen, and tennis was born for me. my love of tennis is fierce, blessed, from the womb, feral, sticking, all-consuming, forever, forever, forever. i played tennis, this was my sport, my life, my girlfriend-replacement, my love for a good five years or so, i had the goods to become a pro, if only i had taken that chance, slid into that one year or so of functioning stability to snag myself a Russian model before the depression took its final ugly turn and sidelined me permanently into a black hole. what could have been? it could have been me vs. Fed in The Greatest Match Of All Time at Wimby, me instead of Nadal, final score:

Federer defeats Phoenix 7-6 (14-12), 6-7 (12-14), 7-6 (14-12), 6-7 (12-14), 1002-1000

Sampras was my first love, i loved that strange, awkward guy with the Muppet eyebrows and that fucking one-of-a-kind serve that still can't be beat. that serve won him so many easy points, so many aces, easy points at crucial times, that serve motion landed him a blonde model/actress. hey, that's all life's about for a man, y'know, that and cheese fries.

when Fed came along, i wasn't sure, i sneered at the newcomer, but the dude pulled it off, he broke Sampras's record just six years after Pete's accomplishment, i mean it was an unholy but fascinating thing to watch, this record which was clad in gold that EVERYONE AND THEIR PET GOAT knew would never be touched was broken apart in six short years by this unassuming Swiss genius on the court with the then-flowing hair who looked like Quentin Tarantino. i mean, really? is this happening? but i grew to love Fed, and now i'm a blind devotee of his. don't ask me to choose between the two, let me just have my fun threesome dreams.

then, this week happens, i dunno, Sampras did come back from an early Wimby loss to win the US Open. will this happen for poor Fed? i'm thinking not, i'm thinking he'll probably never again win another major. it was a glorious run, but the point i'm making with all this rambling is i'm thinking that tennis is done for me as a whole. who am i gonna watch now? the Djoker? hell no, he's cool because he keeps Nadal at bay, but...oh shit, am i gonna have to go through the transformation with Novak now and learn to finally love him like the end of 1984, learning to love Big Brother? i have so much love to give, but no woman is willing to accept i slum around with tennis players.

yeah, also, Fed's bombastic claims of wanting to play at the next Olympics at Rio is, i mean, come on, even Superman has his limits. Fed, i love ya, but a kryptonite racquet is being fashioned as we speak, ya feel me? you had that ultimate, gorgeous chance in London to complete your trophy cabinet with the Singles Gold, it was right there for you to snatch, but that insane Del Potro semi the match before just tanked you, huh? plus, the weight of history with Murray in his homeland (sort of) kinda just depleted you to where you saw the Ring, but Muzza (Murray), who looks like Gollum, stole his Precious as Gollum is wont to do.

so close, so fucking close...came back haunted...

folks, i'm done, tennis is dead, tennis died according to a Newsweek article from 1988, but this time, it really is in my heart. what's the point anymore? who will i watch and cheer for and get out of bed for? i used to place my Swatch Watch on the tennis racquet i used to play my dad with early cold Sunday mornings on empty courts (25 cents for one hour), i'd place my watch on the racquet as a symbol, i'd set the watch for early in the morning, 6AM on Saturday and 6AM on Sunday, for Breakfast at Wimbledon on NBC, i made sure to never miss that event, all the pomp and circumstance i associated with tennis while i was watching my heroes Sampras and Fed.

here's my list: Cobain, Reznor, Corgan, Sampras, Fed, and the Zelda games...and cheese fries

i'm done, i'm done with everything, life isn't exciting anymore...wanna go out to the courts with me for a quick hitaround, some volleys and overheads? i once saw monks playing on the same court complex my dad and i used one time, i'm not shitting you, that was definitely a sign about my future. wanna hit with me? wanna hit me? that's it, let it all out, i can take it, that's hot. love-15. 15-love. i love you 15 times over...



Kazi G said...

Tennis is in my repertoire of games, and the paddle makes such a nice swatty thing... c'mere!! ;)


~Kazi xxx

the late phoenix said...

tennis is the sexiest sport out there!