Monday, July 1, 2013


well, that didn't last long...

Phoenix: Tiger Woods, hi there, hey, i know what you're going through. i'm in a bit of a slump myself...

(Tiger leaves.)

Phoenix (surprised): oh, he left. where is he going? oh, to that little cafe he always enjoys, he's visited there every day this week. man, that dude LOVES that cafe!

1. if my sex life were a film, it would be rated ______: G for General Audiences, nothing to see here but fluff, folks. of course i thought Bambi was G and that ending scarred me for life. i can no longer use the word Thumper in polite conversation, brings up too many images, i have to boast at parties that i "thumped her" instead.

2. i got a body for _____ and a face for ______: i got a body for radio and a face for closed-circuit spy drones.

3. it's extremely sexy when a guy/girl _______: asks me how to get to the beach. i get orgasmic over that, somebody acknowledged my existence. i get so excited that i myself forget to go to the beach. there was a brown bag of money hidden underneath the sandcastle...or was it a bag of needles?

4. doing _____ naked makes me ________ : doing number 1 naked makes me think about doing number 2, and on my froggy days, possibly number 3.

5. in the morning, i am always _____ : alive, despite the horrible death nightmares i experience during the night. i cool myself off with some mint chocolate chip and steak for breakfast, remind myself i am indeed alive in the waking world on this particular plane of existence on this doomed planet by listening to some nice, mellow Nine Inch Nails, and set up for morning meditation. as i zone out, i think about how to alter my brainwaves so i can have the naked dream instead, the one...where...i' SCHOOL?! oh FUCK my life!

6. i would love to ______ in the _______ : jump cannonball into one of those huge plastic display cases full of gallons and gallons of water at one of those wilderness stores. what?! someone has already done that? he's already uploaded it to youtube for the world to see? 10,000 hits? 5,000 likes? 2,000 comments? seriously, why am i alive?

that was a MAD LIBS nostalgia arrow.

bonus: complete the rest of this poem: Roses are red, Violets are blue...

okay, this is my forte, my wheelhouse, i'm all about this, here goes, get ready to be dazzled, wordsmith extraordinaire at work here:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
This is my poem now, bitch, i'm takin' over, i'm better than Jay Z, fuck all the haters, you don't know me! you don't know my life!! JERRY JERRY JERRY

fuck you all, i just wanted to be loved, orange is my favorite color 'cause it can't be rhymed with anything, it doesn't fit in like me in society, amen. i like turtles. i like pie.




Anonymous said...

Fitting into society is highly over-rated. I would rather be that one angelfish in a tank full of corys.

Kazi G said...

I love the connotations of Thumper...

And that sounds like a breakfast of champions :)


~Kazi xxx

SubReiSkyeM said...

Your answers never fail to perplex and amuse me. Society sucks - we should just make a new one ourselves!

Anonymous said...

My favorite Phoenix, you made me laugh and sigh today. Do you really see Tiger? Hugs!!

the late phoenix said...

kiink: when it comes to corys, i'm more of a Haim than a Feldman.

kazi: it's the breakfast of video-game champions.

skye: i'm with ya, but can Big Brother tag along? we have this long-standing's complicated...

f and f: Tiger and i share a fondness for a certain cafe's pie.

Anonymous said...

*giggle, snort* Tiger loves the tits and ass being served.

Ummm...wellll...that was interesting.

Bonus: Your poem/angry rap was stellar. Yeah, fuck Jay Z.



Missed Periods said...

You totally took over that poem. Well done!

Missed Periods said...

Also, I checked out your YouTube channel!

the late phoenix said...

h: one word: Kanye

jenny: two words: Taylor Swift

Juliette said...

There's a mountain in Wales called Blorenge,
and when it's not green it is orange,
The roses are red, the violets are blue,
And it's dewy and moist in the sporange.

Aren't you surprised that I can______ and make it all ________ and _________

the late phoenix said...

Juli: whoa, those two are actual, real things that exist, too, not just urbandictionary words, you keep me on my toes, babe, thanks!