Monday, June 24, 2013

TMIT: I NEED HELP...LOADS...I'M A LOAD










1. have you ever investigated having an open relationship? ever tried to have one?: yes, on many occasions, i take what i can get, i take what's granted onto me, beggars can't be choosers, but they all inevitably failed, i'm just not a strong person i guess, i can't take the slings and arrows of life, i don't know what i really want. you know what i really want? i want sex. no. i want to be happy. no, strike that, i want to be rich. naw, i'm a simple man, i merely want the upcoming new Nine Inch Nails album.

2. do you have any sexual phobias? what have you done to manage or overcome them?: i love that word "manage", that's what i do with my depression, just enough to be functioning, but never really curing anything. i don't have any sexual phobias, i'm into all things weird, so the stranger, the better. i am afraid of getting naked, though.

3. what is the best new sexual activity you've tried in 2013?: guys, there's this thing called a Solo Adventure, i just learned about it on last night's Venture Bros. yeah, it relieves tension, it helps you during the dry spells when you don't have a lover, just make sure you do it in secret 'cause not everyone is cool with you taking work days off to go on vacation, not everyone in society has the same "ticket to ride" as you do, if you catch my ocean drift.

4. have you ever called into a sex advice radio/tv show or written to a sex advice columnist? was it helpful?: no, but i wish i had. whenever i watch old-skool Degrassi, i feel if i had been at Degrassi during the cheesy '80s, i definitely would have raised my hand when Dr. Sally asked if anyone in class felt funny at times, if anyone in class wanted to touch themselves but the Nuns forbade it. as for Dr. Ruth, well, she's my heart, we have a connection, we joke and we learn, now and forever, until the end of time, she's my cool grandmother from another mother.

5. would you use the services of a sex therapist? why or why not?: only if she looked like Helen Hunt...

6. should sex therapists be allowed to engage in actual sexual activities with clients? why or why not?: GOD YES!!!

bonus: recommend any good adult sex-ed books lately? the Madonna Sex book, those pics, i mean, i still can't get over...it's actually Vanilla Ice...also, Archie comics, MAD Magazine, i learned so much more about sex and sex terms from these than i would have with a dry talk from our neighbor Old Man Larry across the street. besides, Mom didn't want me talking to Old Man Larry and his mustache...

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9 comments:

filledandfooled said...

Hi there! I wish I could cure your depression...

You made me smile again, thank you!

G

the late phoenix said...

many doctors and shamans have tried, all have failed...

Hedone said...

All praise to Dr. Ruth for making sex comfortable to talk about openly, publicly and injecting humor.

I used to love the original Degrassi.

I expected someone to say that, should have known it would be you.

Bonus: MAD magazine. THIS explains so much :D

-H

John D Stories said...

"i am afraid of getting naked, though."

Perhaps the "World Naked Bike Ride" would help? :)

the late phoenix said...

H: hey, at least it wasn't Cracked Magazine.

mr. D: that is a reason to leave the house...but i sold my bike...for Supermoon insurance.

Juliette said...

S'up Phoenix of late? ;)

1: No. I'd be way too jealous.

2: LOL! Getting naked is key dontcha think? But, I suppose that's the initial fear, the unwrapping and once you're past that it's a good to go.

3: Abstinence. To gain spiritual enlightenment. Which doesn't actually answer this question whatsoever.

4: no but if I wrote a column on that I'd be too straightforward. May not have the empathy.

5: If it was necessary, yes.

6: I think it should be part of their job description! Don't tell me, show me!

Bonus: No. Am staying away from such things. I remember the Madonna book. It was beautiful, shameless art.

the late phoenix said...

Juli: hi there, beautiful! abstinence? oh babe, we need to remedy that right away. can i be your online lover?...

Secret said...

Ah Phoenix, you took me back to middle school with Degrassi! I remember my Civics teacher would play it for us on Fridays. I thought it was such a cheesy show. We never complained though, because that would mean he'd make us work.

the late phoenix said...

secret: i've been obsessed with Degrassi since the '80s and Claude's suicide in the bathroom. it was cheesy, but it was good cheese. i still review The Next Generation episodes on youtube. by "work", you mean...? i wish i went to your school!