TMIT: GETTIN' OFF...TO A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE

you know what i'm gonna say here first, right? go watch the music video of Foxy's "Get Off", do it with a friend.

okay, now i know i've lied to you before, but seriously, take a look at PIC 23 from the top, the dude with the shaved head, that is the closest pic i've seen in awhile to how i really look like, seriously, except that i'm much more handsome than that, i'm more in the Ryan Lochte dumb jock level

1. have you ever initiated a booty call? in my mind it always goes well, but it's more sloppy in real life, people playing email tag with you four times in one day, then not contacting you for four weeks, that kind of mindfuck meddles with the pleasure of setting it up, fucking your brains out, cumming, rescheduling. hey, all i ask is for some communication ground rules before we get started, huh?

2. have you ever accepted a booty call? i'm a man...so...every time, yes...though those ground rules, y'know...ground rules sure do help matters...placates the parties...make it go down like so much soft, silky ice cream

3. ever had a "friends with benefits" relationship? how did it go down? still friends? i'll say this once again and say it 'til the brown cows come home: the most perfect relationship between a man and a woman is as friends with benefits, both parties get the sex but there is no couple drama, no marriage exhaustion, no problems whatsoever. some of my best female friends are fwb, these are the ones which last. i mean, Mila Kunis looks pretty happy in that movie, right? mind you, i didn't actually see the movie, don't know how it ends, but movies are real life, right? celluloid pretend is better than actual living in this cruel world, hehehhe. everyone wants to have the Romeo and Juliet romance...what? i didn't read the ending...suicide you say? oh fuck...

4. what made your best one-night stand so good? i peered into her soul, her windows, her eyes, those rare blue eyes, blue of the mighty oceans, she told me of her great cat, her pussy, she was allergic to her pussy, made her eyes water, what i was seeing in her eyes was not deep blue but deep red from allergies, she needed to be taken to the hospital to re-up her meds, oh her pussy, that pussy of hers, she told me on the way to the doc that she liked long walks on the beach...

5. when was your last one-night stand? PUSSY i exclaimed, oh pussy, you are so caring, my dear, you keep a pet kitten though you are sick from it, that demonstrates the depth of your love, your capacity to love, o if only you could love me that way, i must compete with your pussy but i am game, i am game...

6. what's the grimiest, dirtiest place you've had sex? TWO WORDS: KITTY LITTER, that's all i'm gonna say...just imagine all of those keep-fresh tiny blue and grey pebbles everywhere...love that word GRIME


bonus: what's the one random thing you wish your friends knew about you? pray tell what is this entity you call "friend"? anyway, i despise bucket lists, i mean, y'know, fuck bucket lists, but i have to concede that there is one thing on my bucket list: to experience, either really outside or at least from a finely-done film of it, a category 5 hurricane. i'm a California kid, so i've never experienced a hurricane, thus they are downright mystical to me, those proud, huge, rumbling storms, circling perfectly around that strong eye, the eye of God Herself. now i know all the devastation and loss of life these storms cause, i'm only talking about the feat of nature itself, it is quite awe-inspiring. i love hurricanes, those hurricane hunters are awesome, and they get paid for goin' all Indiana Jones! the babes on the Weather Channel are now telling me that Isaac will probably end up being a 1 as it hits, but it's so fucking huge in scope and width and breadth that it's gonna cause other problems as a slow-moving monster than it would have as a quick-moving 3. where are the cat 5s? Africa, right? i just want to experience that somehow, like in one of those specially-equipped planes the experts use to measure the eye speed, i just want to see a cat 5 up close...and witness the most extreme power and force and glory of that old babe Mother Nature...EXTREME!!!!!





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