JEN AFTER NED: THE BERKELEY REP

Jen Pizarro gathers the troops to the center of the stage of the Berkeley Repertory Theatre. they are HER troops after all.

Jen: okay everybody, great dress rehearsal, THAT's how you practice!!!

everybody in the rep company: we are SO glad you took over from the last guy. theater is fun again!!! repertory is RAD again!!!

a cheer erupts despite the bad sound from the wooden mics on stage.

Jen smiles. it's good to see Jen smile again. not much time has passed. and yet a lot of time has passed.

Jen: now the stage is art. is there a difference between stage acting and acting for television commercials? the world may never know.

Jen makes an owl sound. everyone laughs.

Jen: okay cast, stick your tongues out so i see the black from all those blackcurrants you ate on the pirate ship set. in the bowel of the pirate ship. 

everyone obliges, including me. there is something so powerful about this ritual of men and women gathered in a circle holding hands sticking out their tongues and it's all black. it UNITES us not as a cult but through creation.

Jen: this job i've taken on suddenly out of the blue after a scandal and immediate retirement has been hard, i ain't gonna lie to you. i couldn't have done ANY of it without the support of my dear dear DEAR partner. stand up, dear. take a bow, honey.

the audience of actors gives me a tepid applause. 

me, embarrassed face: oh no i couldn't.........i don't like standing up in places...

me: yeah i mean you know it certainly makes my life easier that i'm fucking the theater director.........

crickets.

me: .........i mean.........just that it's cool that there are two actors in the household, you know? two actors in the family.........it makes it easier to get my plays put on this stage.........

crickets in the gallery.

me thinking to myself: oh BOY did it feel good to say the word FAMILY in reference to Jen.

Jen: okay guys, are we all ready for tomorrow night? we're doing Rent, Hair, and 3 Ingmar Bergman mini-plays all on one night!!!

Trinity: i mean whaddaya think? you know? you think i'm SCARED? why would i be scared of a barking dog? that's the size of Falkor but a Golden Retriever.

dog: in fairness you're only not scared because i'm behind a fence.

Trinity: noted. a good Scotsman never lies. i AM scared of the pigeons, because the pigeons have NO fence, they just fly right into my face!!!

dog: imagine Lassie and Benji combined...

Luke Russert: i'm feeling down.

Lindy Lenz: why so glum, chum? besides the usual summer loneliness.

Luke: i'm losing excitement in life. i have to be stimulated EVERY day or i start drifting and thinking about dad's death again. and there's no way out of that thought spiral.

Lindy: i have an idea. GO TO THE GROCERY STORE EVERY DAY. right? think about it. it's always exciting to enter the grocery store, to step your socks onto that foreign wax floor. the lights are different than in your room. the possibilities are ENDLESS on that shelf!!!

Whopper: ...

Lindy: you have the opportunity to TRY A NEW TASTE, something you've never eaten nor drunk in your life, that is EXHILARATING. 

Hillary Clinton: i know. Hillary is exhilarating. Hillarating.

Luke's eyes light up.

Luke: yeah you're right!!! i'm gonna do this!! let's do this, gang!!! let's go to the grocery store EVERY FUCKING DAY, that way the adventure the journey NEVER ENDS!!!

Lindy: at the very least you won't be bored with life.

Luke: i'm gonna DELIBERATELY not get ALL the items on my shopping list each week. so i have an excuse to go back to the grocery store at all times.

me: sounds like a cracking idea. not a crackpot idea. i'll get right on that. can i borrow your eraser?

throbber: the loading wheel just got sexier...

Gladyce: the HANDLE TIES trash bags turn into squishy little long thin stringy strings of plastic that get in your hair.

Doryce: Silly String!!! my hair is already Silly String...

Tom Hanks: the Unicorn: Warriors Eternal theme song sounds like our CNN The '80s docuseries...

Wendie H. from Charles Schwab: i am in fact Maria Sharapova. i learned from Boris Becker, i won't be another tennis player who's bad with money. how do i look in my grey sport coat?...

Boris Becker: i am a handsome professor.

Pete Davidson: i was gonna marry Kim Kardashian. but i couldn't get the ring on her finger.

Aubrey Plaza: why?

Pete Davidson: Ozempic finger.

Michael Cera: Wegovy butt.

Kate Beckinsale: i'm still available, Pete. this is the pairing the world REALLY wants to see.

Pete: i'm an alum? i feel so accomplished. my shirt has the Autobots symbol on it, okay? not the Decepticons symbol...

Sonny Bono: yep it's me, Sonny Bono, in the Leaf Village walking the street, talking with Naruto and George R.R. Martin...

chejuino: orange juice spiked with the Before Trilogy.

tipple: drunk mosquito.

Tipper Gore: ...

Spider-Man: all movies should be more like Holy Spider...

me: i got a new mouse for my Chromebook.

Trinity: LET ME AT IT!!

Greykid: wait, blood, it's not the mouse you think.

me: no but you MAY sit on this nice warm mousepad.........i get it, put your butt down on that mousepad, i would, too.

Tony Hawk: same.

Daniel Day-Lewis: as would i.

Talia: you're so immature, Trinity. why do you concern yourself with such trivial matters? because you can't curl into a ball and sleep on the master sofa chair ottoman next to the open window with the screen door like i do. go play in the corner like a good little boy, we women cats need to think about the world to the cool breeze.

Al Jourgensen: you had no idea a thrash-metal industrial god like me was related to king of Big Band swing Ricky Ricardo...

Ricky Ricardo: me? a swinger?

me: industrial is cool dark, Nine Inch Nails is cool. Slayer on the other hand is SKEEVY dark...

Mark Hapka: you GOTTA have the Dave's Triple at Wendy's.

Maiara Walsh: no way, man. i'm not a STRICT vegetarian but i'm not tryna have THREE burger patties, dude on a dude ranch.

Mark: but the price for it is perfect: $11.11.

Arnold Palmer: i was so frustrated. i saw a lovely woman get out of her Lincoln Corsair. she opened a beautiful bright multicolored rainbow umbrella.

Cruella de Vil: that was me, dahlin. it was hard to see my face cos it was overcast and raining HARD. as the legend goes, i like a little blackberry and milk in my tea and lemonade.

Arnie: blackberry?

Cruella: okay burnt toast in my Arnold Palmer...

tejuino: Mexican Orange Julius served in movie theaters...

Frank Sinatra: yabba dabba doo.

oregairu: no, i'm here, i exist...

The Gary Coleman Show: we were able to say "Avenging Angel" on a kids' cartoon...

Hornswoggle: i am Gargamel in a three-piece suit...

Gary Coleman: there's something so COMFORTING to know that Heaven has ME as an angel there...

Stephen A. Smith: it's gonna be a lot of Wimby interviewing Wemby for the next 10 years...

Mardith: Father's Day? the reason i'm an empath today is because i never had a father...

Jon Rahm: there is nothing worse than playing golf IN THE MORNING on Sunday...

The Outer Limits "Promised Land" episode: the mute girl should have been named Talk instead of Tali...

Arnold Horshack: i have one of those 1920s Little Rascals faces...

Wyndham Clark stares up into the clouds after the final hole. to the sky. his world starts spinning, the green starts spinning, there is no crowd noise, there is UTTER SILENCE, he's ALONE, there's NOBODY on the golf course, NO ONE on the green field. there is only one word in his head, one thought, one face, one feeling: MOM.

Wyndham Clark: it didn't move. the ball didn't move. but I am moved. it's time for all the hooded mini-trucks in Southern California to remove their hoods, know what i'm sayin? it's time for all of us to be FUCKING FREE. let it all hang out, let's all socialize in different ethnic groups. everybody, i mean EVERYBODY, is invited up to my hotel room, it's free now...

 

Rickie Fowler drives down curvy Pacific Coast Highway with the top down, wind in his hair.

Rickie Fowler: my hair's relatively short now but.........i used to have long surfer hair...

Rickie's car is a 1959 Chevrolet caddie convertible the front half painted cherry-red, the back half in ice blue. 

Rickie: running out of teal was the greatest decision that was ever made for me by Sherwin-Williams.

in the backseat of the Chevy is 100 individually-greasy-wrapped In-N-Out burgers with the tomato sticking out.

Rickie Fowler: i'm not mad. i'm not jealous of Wyndham Clark. i have no IDEA who Wyndham Clark is. i got my own wind blowing my head. like a parasailor. win or lose i'm COOL like a Southern California breeze. i won't be an afterthought. my pickle is sticking out, i skateboard for a living. paddleboating is my trade. look at me, look at my face, look at my body, i am what Manhattan Beach, California would look like as a person. i am what In-N-Out hamburgers looks like as a person. there's a new side at In-N-Out Burgers, BLT. not a bacon lettuce tomato sandwich, BLT-flavored CHIPS...

Jen and i are arm-in-arm walking and talking down the street along the one sidewalk by the Berkeley Rep. it's late at night early in the morning, the streets are ABANDONED, nobody and i mean NOBODY is around. it's scary dark. i point to the building.

me: THIS, if only i had an IRON WILL, if only i could forcefully WILL things into existence in my life instead of waiting for things to fall in my lap without work. i shoulda been doing THIS the whole time. 

Jen: next time try Manifestation, Mardith says it's wonderful.

me: see you can't just go through the 4 years of college rudderless not knowing what the FUCK you're doing with your dingle out in the street. you can't just be an English major and that's it. you gotta be IN A PROGRAM.

Jen: right, a playwriting program. like the Rep here. you gotta be in a troupe. and then eventually your script gets put in the right hands.

me: there has to be the prospect of a JOB after, not nothing and walking the streets baked. i have one small dream: forget film, i just wanna write for television.........not commercials, cartoons and sitcoms and stuff...

Jen: the WAITING is the hardest part of life. not the pain, the suffering, the anxiety, the dashed hopes. it's the ENDLESS WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

me: right? i mean how LONG are we supposed to wait? how long does it take to fulfill life dreams? until we DIE?!!! is there a way not to think about things? this is my life now, it's just regrets and nostalgia.

Jen: it would have been...

Jen: when a tragedy happens, all you want to do is RUSH to the next thing...

me holding Jen's hand: it's the only way to forget... 

me: i had the weirdest dream last night. our Ned's Bookstore thermos. but it wasn't our beloved thermos, it was a rattan thermos that looked like the SilverHawks cartoon show but in real life. that silver metal hawk pet those space-astronaut metal android bird guys have.

Jen: it's the International House of Pancakes, the one in Southern California, thermos!!! but our Ned's thermos is so CUTE!!! its Nintendo ridged railroad handle is so STURDY. have you gotten it to work yet? it's so GENEROUS with its space, it's so kawaii with its lip, its belly provides, it carries more WATER WEIGHT than you'd think from the outside!!! our Ned's thermos is a generous soul. that small sucker of a plastic cup can carry my BUTT weight in liquid drink!!! 

me: you don't have to tell me twice, i tossed my kegerator out my dorm window. 

Jen: you don't have to keep paying rent for your dorm anymore.

me: i know, but i keep forgetting, and then i get that joyous sugar rush of remembering all over again.

me: thanks for being here. with me. without you i am lost in the dark.

Jen: can you dream in the Afterlife?...

 

TREAT WILLIAMS IS IN OUTER SPACE NOW

 

notes:

* Lucio: don't worry, the phone is saying NAME UNAVAILABLE, not MAKE PAYMENT.

me: good cos i got no money.

Lucio: but it's still a spam call, you know?

* Camus: i predicted covid...

* NYC: if City Hall is capitalized, it means New York City's city hall.

Los Angeles: ...

Vinnie Barbarino: ...

* junk fees: the Pushaman

* red iPad Mini: why are you greeted every day FIRST with iTunes? as if iTunes is the most important thing in the world.

* Michael Weiss: everyone on Instagram is an 89-year-old grandmother...

* Kyrgios giving the mountza: Washington is not Wimbledon...

* Oakland A's: notice how the grass on our field is yellowish-green?...

* Brabus: holding up the tits in that babysitter shower scene in Arachnophobia...

* Confucius: it doesn't matter if you're busy or bored if your friends aren't around.

Socrates: hey C, i clogged your toilet again. sorry. never eat more than 1 Bloomin Onion at Outback Steak House in 1 day...

Confucius hits Socrates upside the head.

Confucius: baka. that's what happens when you eat alone.

* aliens: we were never bigger than in the '90s...

* Homer Simpson: i was the first person to ever spike a football after a touchdown.

Gronk: ...

Homer Simpson: i am Charlie Brown...

* Dad joke: there's just something about the number 17...

* Cyndi Wood: yeah i had a runny nose doing my Apocalypse Now cowgirl stripper scene in front of the troops, that damn LARGE ROTOR from the helicopter was disturbing my flow, disturbing my airflow.

Yoda enjoying the USO strip show: a whirling in the Force...

* Sadie from Verizon: not the chick from that Canadian nature show. remember live-action kids' TV on Saturday mornings? 

ex-boyfriend: why did you go to Costa Rica for our vacation?

Sadie: my home life is not good. mom's texting dirty pics again. the thing is, she's an OLDER mom, you know? i had to get away. i had a Snickers.

* Liberty Mutual on the docks with the longshoremen.

daughter: you can save $700 with Liberty Mutual.

mom: honey, our family has never had 700 dollars.

daughter: it says on your physical not digital computer that you forgot to pick up dad at the airport.

mom: honey, there are no such things as airports...

* Walgreens: for Robin's asthma, not Batman's affluenza...

* Gatorade: you can't be a winner unless you've lost 51% of your games.

Michael Jordan: this is true.

Gatorade: Michael Jordan lost 100% of his sweat out on that court every night. Michael Jordan has no sweat left in his body.

Michael Jordan: come on, man.

* Netflix elevator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: hey Chris Pratt, it says here the elevator can only hold 4000 pounds, so i can't be on it, my bicep alone weighs 5000 pounds.

Chris Hemsworth: that's Hemsworth...

* Meta Quest 3: wait, isn't Asgard a good guy?...

* Youtube TV: you can watch 4 screens at the same time, only available during March Madness...

* Trinity: oh you're surprised and dumbstruck when you see a talking Timon and Pumbaa in front of you but not when you see a talking cat such as myself debonairly walk on two legs. nature is EVERYWHERE, bub. i'm real, Timon and Pumbaa are AI.

mom: don't sing Frozen songs in the car with our daughter in the back seat.

dad: why not?

mom: Elsagate.

CLICK HERE FOR BURGER KING NOSTALGIA

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: see that's the thing, i've never had a Swiss Whopper at Burger King, but i've had Swiss cheese and a Whopper, so is it technically new?...

Swiss cheese: all the holes in me doesn't mean more places for bacteria to hide, right?...

Roger Federer: hide in my holes.

when i was a kid it started and it continues to this day: my fantasy. my ultimate fantasy is to raise my hand and pluck from the thin air in my room, magically, a Triple Cheeseburger from Burger King. and start to eat it and lick the greasy wrapper. i pretend i achieve this sorcerer's magic, that i'm a wizard, by ordering DoorDash and the thing in the bag arrives and it's like i SUMMONED it with the pixiedust rubbed on my triangular blue fingers by Mickey Mouse's paint. this is my conundrum, do i DoorDash the Triple Cheeseburger and Chicken Fries, otherwise known as the '80s Meal? or go with the exotic untested untasted Swiss Whopper? 

i also do this with Coke. i have 3 cases of Coke in the garage, i MAGIC into existence the can of Cake from thin air and i'm holding the can and start to drink it. what i did was transfer the case from garage to bedroom.

i'm excited about the U.S. Open this weekend. happy weekend, my babies. it's at Los Angeles Country Club, a venue shrouded in mystery. why hasn't Major golf ever been played there before? it's because, of course, the place was home to a secret game of the board game Clue played by Howard Hughes and everyone else who was in The Rocketeer in 1938 Los Angeles. played on the second story where the tearoom was. and the tearoom models were... 

my life would have been COMPLETELY different if i had stayed in Los Angeles. the very thought of Los Angeles makes me CRY ON CONTACT. not from the smog. from the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN. i wouldn't be here right now. i wouldn't be on blogspot right now. Lucio and Avo as my best men at my wedding...

me: omg, you see how Rory is doing? but i'm actually biting my fingernails hoping that Rickie Fowler FINALLY gets his one, you know? the California kid makes good at home, that's a story. rooting for Rickie...

Rickie Fowler: my dad raised me on this course, this course was my childhood course, my Sherman Oaks Magic Castle Galleria course growing up, if you know what i mean. the course out back from the arcade.

Takahashi: i'm rooting for Yutaka, too...

 

ARACHNOPHOBIA: EIGHT LEGS TO HOLD YOU

 

Jen R and i are on a very rare occasional date at a Shakey's Pizza.

me: i love how your daughter wears the KING paper crown not the queen one.

i reach in and hug Jen R for a very long time, an hour or so, i squeeze her tight.

Jen R: you can let go now. what was that all about?

me: it's Hug A Librarian Day.

Jen R: ahh, very slick. this is the only day you can touch me legally. so how was the hug?

me: i blacked out when i touched you.

Jen R: ahh, you missed my sweater!!! see? you were so consumed with hugging me you missed the joke on my pink grandma sweater. see it now?

there's a penis pin on the left side vertical button trim of the sweater and the usual buttonhole on the right side.

me: omg that's hilarious!!! i haven't laughed this hard since i was a warthog.

Jen R: you mean sweathog.

me: i'm in love with you. i'm SERIOUS. how can i prove to you that i'm NOT JOKING?

Jen R: it's impossible. on both counts. it's not that i CAN'T believe you, it's just impossible to know. why don't we just say for now that you love me but aren't IN love with me, it's the In that's a volcano in outer space, you know?

Lindy Lenz: you know what? all of this, this whole scene, this whole date, was rather sweet.

Georgia Kernell: can you believe our pitcher got tossed for schmutz?!!! how did baseball become so interesting to me all of a sudden? what the A's are doing to their fanbase is a crime. 

Luke Russert: the A's management can't see that their yellow-and-green uniforms are the best uniforms in SPORTS. they pull off the look of being human Sprites.

Georgia reading a Chaucer hardcover: everyone thinks my long blonde hair was my best look but i rather liked my rare red hair. it's National Bath Day? i only ever took a bath in the dorms at Berkeley...

Prince: why didn't i ever work with Michael Jackson on a collab song? i was the Michael Jackson of the Midwest, he was the Prince of the Pacific...

Michael Jackson: you were Minnesota Michael, i was CalPoly Prince.

Sasuke: come on, you two, let's settle this like men, let's settle this on the ping-pong court...

Leslie Sbrocco: there's nothing like PBS in the summer...

longshoreman: have you guys ever heard of vegan spaghetti? blew my wife and i. our minds away. it turned my butthole into gills. it took me back to the food at the asylum.

Leslie: you're a character. i like you. i like your knit porkpie hat.

longshoreman: what's your favorite old black-and-white movie projected onto a restaurant's white wall?

Leslie: the one with the fish...

longshoreman: cockle popcorn? 

Leslie: it's not popcorn, it's fish...

chilli vinegar: so umami you'll read newspapers again. you'll mess you tongue up eating this.

fish: cod ain't cod unless it's unbreaded and wrapped in newspaper...

Gavin Newsom: when i become President of the United States it won't be the Los Angeles Sewer anymore, it'll finally be the Los Angeles River...

Maiara Walsh: ...

Genie Bouchard: you want to give me a good rogering? doesn't that mean rough sex?

Roger Federer: only at Wimbledon. everywhere else in the world it means me giving you tennis lessons.

Genie: you're not well, Roger, i'm a physician, lie down on my lap and let me examine you...

Roger: physician, heal thyself. why haven't you cured your concussions?...

Aaron Rodgers: rodgering means going to play for the expansion NFL team in London.

Casper the Friendly Ghost: it's scary how there's no tombstone emoji on Instagram.

yale sale: when Harvard kicks yo guys' asses in football.

Princeton: ...

Yale: it's just a yard sale...

Roger Federer: Orkin? ORKIN?!!! they don't choose me, they choose some unknown girl nobody's ever heard of...

Jack Tripper: what have i been doing? i'm still married to Vicky.

Vicky Tripper: Vicky Tripper? oh YES. we have 2 kids and we live ON THE SAND.

Jack: we moved to Las Vegas cos all the best chefs have their bistros along the Strip.

Vicky: and all the best sports teams are here...

Jack holds up a WE WANT THE CUP hockey jersey...

Vicky: we're huge Golden Knights fans.

Gladyce: DON'T get the trash bags with the HANDLE TIES!!! they're WILDLY UNWIELDY, dear.

Doryce: ungainly head is my specialty. thanks for the warning, babes.

Betsy Ross: every house in 1776 Philadelphia was a shoebox for graham crackers...

Dana King: i'm the real Ororo Munroe... 

Pizza My Heart: Ride the Wave and Save!!!...

summer stress: sucks.

Leslie Sbrocco: the only thing that helps with summer stress is if Check Please episodes are NOT in summer reruns...

Jim Jarmusch: Forest Whitaker, do you remember me?

Forest Whitaker in samurai-code mode: no...

Treat Williams: if there EVER was a Rest In POWER situation, it's mine...

arome: Jim Rome predicting a woman would finally win the Belmont...

rocat: the Heathcliff reboot, reboot with a rocat...

Leslie Sbrocco: dude you literally just did HOW TO MAKE TOAST.

Jacques Pepin: don't make fun of me, woman, it was Melba bread...

Leslie: call me femme.

Eye Luggage: Arachnophobia and go.

Dirg: i'm not afraid of spiders.

Takahashi: yeah ya are. i saw you let a spider crawl on your dick to try to cure you of your phobia but it didn't work, you screamed like a little girl.

Tyzik: this was the quintessential '90s summer movie, right? or Halloween movie or something.

Steven Spielberg: once and for all, this is a HORROR COMEDY, not a COMEDY HORROR. it's more like Friday the 13th with Michael Myers and there's one scene about a gooey candybar at the general store for comic relief, rather than Scream which is a wink-wink knowing slasher.

John Goodman: this is the time period where i HAD to do EVERY Spielberg film, we had a secret handshake agreement we made at a Bob's Big Boy in Burbank where i contracted myself to do any little thing Steven imagined. which wasn't easy cos it's hard to contract my fat body...

Jeff Daniels: this was my bridge, i had done comedy, i was known for acid comedy, but then i do this...

Spielberg: ...horror comedy...

Jeff: and Hollywood sees that i can be serious. then i do Noah Baumbach's museum installation which is TOO serious for my liking.

Leslie Sbrocco: picture this. it's the last day of school. you get out early, it's a half-day, you're free at 12 NOON...what do you do now? you go see the MATINEE of Arachnophobia.........summer has OFFICIALLY begun...

longshoreman: i didn't go to school. i had to EAT those spiders...

Harley Jane Kozak: i'm not the guy from Breaking Away.........i'm a woman in fact. i'm that mom who's more cute than a milf. i wear cargo Bermuda shorts. why didn't I play Harley for fuck sake?!!! i have the perfect face to play that powdered puss clown cunt.

Bruce Timm eating a Quiznos: the character of Harleen Quinzel was first supposed to be a physician, not a bachelor's in psychology, so we were after Genie Bouchard to play the part, not you... 

Harley Jane Kozak: my name sounds like rice pudding.

Laertus: i mean...

Julian Sands: i know.

Laertus: it's like, the thing is, we all here in the podcast booth support you, Julian Sands, you are a terrific actor.

Julian: and a great dad. i'm a Sands Dad.

Laertus: but it gets depressing considering your current situation.

Julian: i am quite lost in life right now.

Laertus: we all dedicate our review of Arachnophobia to you, Julian Sands, may you actualize a safe and speedy rescue from atop the high mountains slick with unfortunate rain.

Julian: but will you do the same with Boxing Helena? will you force yourselves to watch Boxing Helena in tribute to me?

Laertus: that's where it gets icky. that's the impossible choice we have to make...

Frances Bay: in all horror films, the granny goes before the black man...

Kathy Kinney: Drew Carey saw me in this!!! picture me as the first female host of Wheel of Fortune...

Stuart Pankin: i am ALWAYS the side character!!! why can't i have my own show where I AM SEINFELD?!!!...

Mandy Patinkin: ...

Mandy Patinkin: are we related?...

Mary Carver: now I am a MILF!!!

Lia Sargent: mom had a sexy voice, she gave me my sexy anime voice, where i play all the femme-fatale anime full-bodied women roles...

tepui: the table top where Venezuelans play cards. you can grow maize only on top of the mesa, not around it...

Julian Sands: me as Dr. James Atherton, can we just stop and take a gander at MY GLORIOUS LUXURIOUS LONG LOCKS OF BLOND HAIR?!!! i was Kurt Cobain before Kurt Cobain!!! i mean who had ever heard of a man with long BLOND hair before i came along? it's too silly, it's too strange, it's too bizarre, hair on a man that's corn-colored and long.

Kurt Cobain: he's right, i copied my look from Julian Sands. didn't end well for either of us...

Julian Sands: how do i know i'm right about these spiders? i'm British, i speak with a British accent. you know you're in the right exotic tropical Enya cave when your cave has only ONE beam of sparkling yellow light, many vines to Tarzan yell to land that echo just right, and the cave has a swimming pool/jacuzzi at the bottom...

Rubikon: oh that dude's a goner, arrogant American dude with the attitude wearing that French In Action Yale sweater and Washington Redskins cap thinking he knows everything. there's more to life than nature photography, buddy!!! talkin bout gettin tenure. spider-bite yo ass, BYE BYE, sucka.

Julian: entomology is boring as FUCK, the only thing that keeps us going is the possibility that humanity will go extinct from one spider bite. do you want me leading the hike?

university science team: NO!!!...

Julian: we collect the spiders in these GIANT SILVER FUNNELS cos it looks cool. 

Spielberg: this is how my Attack on Titan movie is gonna look...this cave is the opening scene...

Julian: i shoot webs not from my wrists but with a bazooka attached to my wrist, the American way.

Julian: we use these funnels to make spider soap.

Madame Pons: ...

Julian: right? that's how everyone pours the soap.

Madame Pons: soap that looks like spiders in your tub...i don't know if they'd be top-sellers...

Julian: okay team, everyone swim in the muddy river.

Carlos Reygadas: ...

Julian: we can't trust American choppers to helicopter us to safety...

Julian: ...in this jungle...

Julian: he's dead. put him in this wooden coffin and leave him here, nobody say a word, don't contact his parents, nobody really has parents in the grand scheme of things. small towns don't exist, WE are his home, keep calm and carry on, that is the British way...

man in coffin: did i drop my inhaler? does venom tickle?

Julian: these spiders have no sex organs? that's no fun...

Canaima: Canaima? Panama? where the sugarcane grows? just call it Pacific Grove and be done with it.

autopsist: i'm contacting next of kin. hello, your relative is DESICCATED AS FUCK. i mean he's just a flaming mound of burning rock at this point. so, open coffin?...

crow: quoth the crow, neverm...FUCK, THAT SPIDER BIT ME!!! fuck you stupid spider, i was a poet...

town doctor: i know i'm the old town doctor, but why i gotta be such an ASSHOLE? such a crusty ol' prick...

Harley: don't be a dillweed, honey. don't be a sissy, i didn't marry a softie, i don't want to be the wife of a dullard.

Jeff: my fear of spiders is well-founded, a spider came into my crib and bit my head off, literally. it then crawled into my bottle of warm formula. and then Santa gives me a spider ring for my first Christmas. what was Santa thinking?

nail gun: watch this space, this is foreshadowing, this nail gun is a Chekhov's gun...

Jeff: there's nothing wrong with you.

Mary Carver: i haven't had sex in 40 years. don't listen to the townsfolk, they like to gossip but they're all talk. and all dumb. the old coot of a town doctor doesn't know his head from his ass.

Jeff: can i touch your ass? to examine it.

Mary: that's next week in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle...

house spider: i had to raise a family in a barn like Jesus. i didn't actually live in the house. don't come in, my place is a mess, my living room looks like an Alien nest...

Hugh Hefner: look, matriphagy is not sexy, okay? matriphagy is not cool. i've eaten mothers but not like that...

old doctor: SHE DIED OF A HEART ATTACK!!!

new doctor: a heart attack?

old doctor: AFTER LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY FACE!!! why'd you stop giving her pills?

new doctor: it was Viagra...

Jeff; oh no, i gotta do the Turn Your Head and Cough thing? no, this is not why i became a doctor, this is VERY embarrassing for me.

Jeff under the bleachers: sigh, turn your head and cough as i circle your nutsack with my curly finger. i won't touch your penises, i promise.

naked 18-year-old wrestlers: what are you checking for?

Jeff: to see if I have a hernia. 

Ed from the band Live: the full title of our song is "Turn My Head.........And Cough".

Dr. Metcalf: what are you reading in bed?

Metcalf's wife: a paperback of Dr. Spock explaining I Ching. remember reading in bed? oh no, dear, what are you doing?

Metcalf: i was going to use this Peloton machine...

Jack Kevorkian: sign here, here, and here.

Jeff signs in triplicate.

Kevorkian: i'm FINALLY FREE, motherfuckers!!! all you bastards can rot in hell.

Avo Babian: ...

John Goodman: so.........what is this?

Spielberg: Jaws with spiders. and the house is very Exorcist.

John: ah huh. 

Spielberg: you get to play the goofy guy in this, the comic relief for this horror film.

John: i've always wanted to wear the exterminator's uniform, you know? blue collar like Roseanne. i'm like the FIFTH GHOSTBUSTER. do i get to expel exterminator roach fluid at the spiders?

Spielberg: by shooting it through a gun, the American way.

Michael J. Fox: can you believe i've never worked with Spielberg or George Lucas? the closest i'll come is having a spider on my face on the TV screen showing an episode of Family Ties. we were the #1 show in the country at the time. but not Canada which makes me sad. i'm not scared of spiders, i'm scared of dying.

teenage girl babysitter: can i at least read the two tykes a Little Golden Books?

Spielberg: sorry, they all have spiders on the covers.

babysitter: so i'm doing the Psycho shower scene here?

Spielberg: yep. so do you have big-enough tits? otherwise the scene is compromised, the spider won't show, you know?

Mardith: i auditioned for the babysitter part...

spider scare extra: no, please don't spray my entire body with that stuff to attract the spider to me.

Consuela, the maid from Family Guy: Lemon Pledge is good, Lemon Pledge is healthy.

Julian: you know what entices spiders to do your bidding? my long blond hair. don't worry, these spiders are redneck hicks, they crossbreed, they won't harm anyone. it's Patton warfare out there, gentlemen. general warfare. do you know what an Ant Colony is?

assistant with glasses: yeah that's that game with the water in the plastic square and you push the gel button to push rings through the water. and a cool band from California who did a Michael Jackson cover...

Julian: cut. um, Steven, can i talk with you for a minute? we need to talk. you said i wouldn't die.

Spielberg: but you die by becoming a cotton candy cocoon, that's the ultimate coolness.

Julian: i mean you said i could be your next Spider-Man.

Spielberg: this is you as Spider-Man, you're Spider-Man right now in the cotton candy cocoon.

Julian: why can't scientists be superheroes? why must scientists always be the villain?...

Jeff: so i'm the scientist protagonist in this as i'm a medical doctor. oh why do spiders have to be such wine fans? such wine buffs?

John Goodman: none of this would have happened if you had cans of Bud Light wine with a misprint on the label. spiders are smart, they don't like change, they would go back to where they came from...

John: and your warm worn rotting wood was a problem, too...

wife and kids upstairs in the kitchen: oh honey, watch where you're shooting that nail gun, those nails tickle the soles of my feet!!!

Jeff: i didn't know you were ticklish, honey. just wear those Redbottoms i got you when i shoot up. let's make love to test your ticklish...

Dirg thumbs-downing: boo, they still have to say make love instead of fuck...

Jeff: oh THAT's why it never worked, to turn the electricity back on after a blackout, the tumbler switch is located in the EGG SAC. how do you like your eggs?

spider queen: runny...

Jeff: we moved the entire family here to San Francisco. we live in an apartment so tiny it can only fit ONE loveseat.

Harley Jane Kozak: honey i have a confession to make. you have a phobia of spiders, i have a phobia of earthquakes. we have to move back to Canaima. but don't worry, i have a fax machine, it's the '90s, A FAX MACHINE SOLVES EVERY PROBLEM.

Jeff: how do you mean?

Harley: when the earthquake hits we all jump under my fax machine to protect our heads from falling debris...

India: fax machines are still HUGE over here in 2023...

Tony Bennett: for the record i'm not scared of spiders. nor those cannibal crickets i encounter when i go down to Mission Viejo. i fear no spider, only a woman, Gaga. and a man, Frank Sinatra. Gaga and Sinatra. you know why Frank was so skinny when he was young? he forced me to eat his food. i'm afraid of long tables with chairmen. i left my heart in San Francisco.........and the spiders ate it...

Mitt Romney: Tony Bennett, you're the perfect Mormon...

Spider-Man at City Hall gets up to the mic and addresses the rabid crowd. all 4 Ghostbusters are in the crowd causing a ruckus.

Spider-Man: THIS MOVIE GIVES SPIDERS A BAD NAME. THIS MOVIE MAKES SPIDERS THE BAD GUY. THIS MOVIE BLAMES SPIDERS FOR ALL OF THE WORLD'S EVILS. BOYCOTT THIS MOVIE. that is all.

Spider-Man leaves being carried out by the crowd on top of the good mob. Spider-Man crowdsurfs to safety before being squished by adulation.

Spider-Man winking through his mask to the camera: can't mash a mosher. i'm a mosher, not a masher. a lover, not a fighter. g'night folks.  

JEN AFTER NED: I WANNA SPOON WITH A SPECIAL SOMEONE IN MY BED

 

Jen and i are in Jen's soft rattan bed in her bamboo bungalow bedroom by the roaring river. it's so quiet here you can hear a pin drop. we are on opposite sides of the bed.

me with my hands fingers clasped behind my head: i never thought i'd reach the day when it was THE DAY AFTER.

Jennifer Pizarro: as well as THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. come on, hurry up, i got dress rehearsal at noon.

me grunting in a very awkward way: i'm trying. i forgot we were both naked, the air here is a blanket.

Jen: cum on my face.

me: wow. i never heard of a girl who WANTED a facial, who REQUESTED it. isn't it humiliating for the woman?

Jen: you're not a proper actress until your face has been properly cummed on, you know? we find it bemusing, odd, strange, fanciful, debauched and depraved, but we also see the glint in your eye, the glimmer in a man's eye when he does it, when he accomplishes the act, that adds whimsy to the ritual.........oh COME on, dude, you got it RIGHT IN MY EYE!!!

me with no more drip: sorry.

Jen: my blue eye has turned RED. 

me: the ocean is now on fire. i am SO sorry, beloved.

Jen scrambles out of bed and squeezes her big butt with a jump into the long windowvane pleats of her blue skirt. 

Jen: love hurts.  

me: scrambled eggs?

Jen: we just did it. my eye HURTS, it's BURNING. 

me: like my love for you, my love.

Jen: and on that wonderfully tortured bit of writing, i shall take my leave. toodles. i'm late for practice. i'll be seeing you. tonight. or maybe not. the company has to work through the night, you know how final play preparations are. huh, you gave me food for thought, does a facial make me a freak? or am i just normal. 

an hour later and i haven't gotten out of Jen's bed. the lawnmower sound of Jen's boat has long since dissipated into nothingness. it's a bit scary. but also strange and exhilarating. i've never experienced this feeling before, i allow myself to FEEL THE PRESENT. here i am. i'm actually in Jen's bed, i cant't believe this is happening to me!!! i'm in her house, her home, her SEA SANCTUARY ON STILTS. i lie spreadeagle over her sheets, the sea breeze from the open beach-glass windows lilt the hairs on my knee and carry me to the sky and back to the ocean once again on their lithe bendy waves. i feel security in my toes, electricity in my fingers, salt in my nose, a light feeling in my heart, i've swallowed soundless summer.  

me: if there's ever A MOMENT i never want THIS MOMENT to ever end, it's NOW.........i'm alone.........but also i'll never be alone again...

Roger Federer: Genie, how could you?

Genie Bouchard: i still love you, Roger.

Roger: you never proved it. this is how you show your love?

Genie: look at the numbers, my love, Novak Djokovic is CLEARLY the greatest tennis player of all time.

Roger: yeah and the world HATES him so i don't care. 

Novak: it's precisely BECAUSE Earth so thoroughly despises me that i reached this height!!! unlimited motivation rocket fuel. i just keep winning.

me: i admire the families of both of you men.

Nadal: want me to shoot you, Djoker? i mean with a vaccine.

Joker from Batman: i would like to get pricked, yes.

Nick Kyrgios: hey blokes i feel y'all fellas, when i lost to Novak at Wimbledon, it STILL stings. it still HAUNTS to this day. i was happy to be there when i should have realized that would be the ONLY time i will ever reach and compete for a Grand Slam Final again.

Roger: hey you bastard Kyrgios, shut your piehole, why are you talking to Tennys Sandgren? that guy sucks, that moron has the stupidest name in the world. 

baseborn: he who plays baseball...

Loiter Squad: ...

Oreo Cakesters: the ultimate sensation. even if you have a blocked ear canal.

Anthony Bourdain: yeah, your world is doomed, but at least you still have Oreo Cakesters over there...

Debrox: you have a blockage in the rear-end chakra of your ear canal.

Naruto: ...

whipsnake: when Doryce visits the station house full of firemen and ear doctors.

Greykid: and knee doctors. i don't like snakes...

Indiana Jones clutching a snakeskin purse and snake whip: can i FINALLY retire now?!!!...

Djokovic: the French Open Sound, it's the sound of a goat boy, a goat-herder boy...

horse-racing coverage on Fox: ruined the sport.........not because of all the terribly tragic horse deaths but because these anchors look like mob flunkies.

Toad: hi, Princess Peach.

Princess Peach: hello, my retainer.

Toad: i'm not your toadie, i'm not your rooty retainer, i'd like to think i'm your...

Princess Peach: pet.

Toad: friend...

Roger Federer: people today in 2023 know who Alcaraz is but not me...

at Kathie Lee Gifford's barn in Detroit.

Leslie Sbrocco: i distracted Regis for a week so you could finally retire out of that hellhole place you were working at on that show in New York. did you finally escape that shitshow?

Kathie Lee Gifford: Regis forgets a week when he's around a beautiful woman. but he never made a pass at me...

Naruto: i don't get it, what's Sasuke's symbol on the back of his jeans shirt? does Sasuke like to play ping pong? is Sasuke the local village table--tennis champion of the Uchicha clan?

John Lurie on the HBO set.

John Lurie: i'm not a recluse. but i did paint the brick wall as a door so no one can come in.

Mr. Kotter: ha. like my wife Julie naked in graffiti on the bricks of my school...

Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers: knock knock. ouch. want some rg burgers?...

John Lurie: you will never lure me out of retirement...

i get a call from the curly landline phone on the nightstand next to Jen's bed. that's when i finally get up.

me: hello?

Jen: sorry i haven't been home. in like a month. 

me: i haven't noticed.........that's not what i mean...

Jen: i know, dunderhead, you miss me in your own strange scriptwriter way. i won't be home tonight. or any night.

me: i just meant i've been meditating like a motherfucker. i've been in a tenseless trance. how's acting life?

Jen: i don't want to act life, i want to be real life. the life of an actress is glamorous even when it's not. our director is driving us like slaves. we gotta memorize our lines and HIS lines!!! we gotta learn all the pirate sword swings as if they were ballets. good thing i'm a trained dancer not a trained actress. 

me: it's just a little play about pirates, what's his big deal?

Jen: i have time for a quickie from 3AM to 3:05AM tonight ONLY. sorry, babes, it's that or nothing. we'll do it in my dressing room that's skinnier than my butt. i'll see you tonight, come to the stage.

i oblige Jen. although i have to ask for directions to the theater, i lose my way in the dark...  

Leslie Sbrocco: i could do Kelly Ripa's job but she couldn't do mine.

Kathie Lee Gifford: it's easy to do a game show, just stop drinking.

Luke Russert, Lindy Lenz, and i get invited to Michael Jackson's wedding. when we get there only Michael Jackson is on the altar. Michael steps down from the marblestone to hand Luke something.

Michael Jackson: here, Luke, the 100 Years Of Wonder Disney100 crystal ring, force it off my middle finger.

Michael: i hope the three of you put this ring to good use. i'm a magic man so i can predict the future, i'm sensing a throuple in your future, a threesome at the Paris Olympics beach-volleyball venue under the Eiffel Tower. TWO of you will get married leaving the OTHER ONE hurt, and damaged goods. toodleloo.

and with that, Michael Jackson winks at all 3 of us and departs the lawn on the sand, swimming into the sea...

Boris Becker: did you see me after match point of my first Wimbledon championship? i missed my calling, i shoulda been a ballet dancer. in tennis and in life i tiptoed with the best of them...

Michael Jordan: you shoulda played basketball with your tongue tells.........and also, you know, because you're tall.

Bernie Sanders at the U.S. Open: it's a shame Bjorn Borg couldn't be here to collect his runner-up trophy...

Leo Borg in Miami: i am not Leo Messi...

Leslie Sbrocco: this is a nice ranch you got here, KLG. nice basement jugs.

Kathie Lee Gifford: thanks, babes. i just need some cowboy lights.

Boris Becker: if you believe that, i got some swampland in Florida i'd like to sell you. and a finca in Mallorca. 

Leslie: one of your finca squatters is my ex-husband/sommelier...

Where's Waldo stretching his limbs on a cabled power-rack Nautilus machine whilst eating a saltine cracker spread with Nutella: Waltine? 

Lance Armstrong: i just had a brilliant idea. the Naked Bike Ride in London + the Tour de France = Naked Tour de France...

Mama Bear from Looney Tunes: Berenstain? Berenstein? i don't remember EITHER of them...

at World's Toughest Row.

Chris Cornell: my life was the world's toughest row...

Doryce: no that's fucking me.

Ben Shepherd: okay but i actually wrote the song...

Mama Maria LaRosa: Mammatus clouds are all the mammary glands you see up in the sky. they're the sky's tits.

Jen has been crying for over an hour now. i know not why. we're spooning on our bed fully-clothed. on top of our bed with our shoes on. Jen wails and slobbers and squalls and openly weeps nonstop. i shed tears from contact because i love her.

me: come on, beloved, show me your Smile of Reassurance so i know the world's gonna be okay.

Jen slowly turns her head to me, her face still wracked with the pain of guilt, pockmarked with puscle. her lips dulled and chapped by saliva strings of sorrow. her mouth a black hole.

Jen's eyes are RED, bloodshot from exhaustion.

Jen: i can't do that, i can never show you that face again.

me, softly: okay.

Jen, softly: i had a miscarriage. we lost the baby.

my eyes shut tight like lead anvil locks. my mouth trembling, her lips quivering. i hug Jen HARD, so hard we wind into one person in crisis. closed off from the rest of the world. i squeeze her soft bones, puncturing my lung. we lay there on our bed, spooning, stuck together in gelatinous grief. our tears and our sweat are one sticky substance on our tired bodies. we lay here motionless, all through the night, in silence, never sleeping...