CRONES: BOMARZO w/ BESTIE (III)

Doryce: yeah yeah right, raves. thet's where the hunks are, raves.

Gladyce: sore subject?

Doryce: they always got me sore. the spinning mauveine disco lights got me dizzy without my glasses on.

Gladyce: got your map? anything jotable?

Doryce: bubble map i mean i got my bubble mask on. it's coming down now. mix in a water, snow. turn and test. let's see, which way? mercy. here comes a train.

the distinguished ladies have reached the other end, with the same monster from the front entrance. the train peels in through the tongue. Bama is squashed like a bug on the windshield of the lead car, his lips kissing the metal, his face part of the paint job.

Doryce: hi Bama!

Gladyce waves her last finger on her hand. she manages to crush the sleeper car like an aluminum Coke can and fashions a carve to form it into a makeshift sled with no blades. it's thin enough if a little light.

Gladyce: mush.

Doryce: no it's an alright build all things considered.

Gladyce: *softly* we did not want to be on that train. that train does not stop. i chose the sleeper car cos no one sleeps aboard that train. they are too busy standing up contemplating their existence forever. it becomes more cruel the more you think about it and the more you ride it.

Doryce: luckily our boy Bama is on the outside riding it. i'm sure once he wakes up he'll crawl into the window of the dining car and have his fill.

Doryce is noticing. Gladyce stills breathes lowly. her lung function is faint. her heart is sleeping. she does not move.

..................................

.....................................

Kim Jong-un crashes his golf cart into the William Sisters' tennis cart in the middle of the desert where he's hiding.

Venus Williams: what's the big deal? why are all these drones in my face? why do the stoic stalkerbots not recognizie me and treat me like some ghost they've seen for the frst time and must analyze? what's with the media attention? i have played my sister before.

Kim: i'm just here blending into Indian Wells high society. you drink a lot of water here? um, can you direct me to the Party? i'm late.

.........................................

............................................

Doryce: Maersk Island in the offing! we must be getting warmer...................Sahara Sun on my far left!...............................i know what you're thinking, the suntanning bed or the real thing?...........................i see another stage, this one with Stone books. great, just what we need, more drama.

the hags of heft are are stopped by border patrol. one of the agents has a Menehune for a face which talks. the other agent looks like Josh Duhamel. Doryce smiles sheepishly for the both of them.

Menehune: ma'am we're gonna have to confiscate your things and your persons. what were you doing in this fright at night?

Doryce: seeing things.

Menehune: ma'am just what is going on? what do you have to declare? what nefariousness were you planning? why do you and your sister here have fingernails as long as Jack In The Box curly fries? and what is that strange spell scribbled in carving at the back of your red sled?

CRONES: BOMARZO w/ BESTIE (II)

Gladyce: the McDonald's M is turned upside-down. you know what that means, right? they're practically beckoning for us to come in. this is the perfect place for us to denizen. McDonald's was tailor-made for old people. egg mcmuffins and tiny sweaty orange juice cups at 5AM.

Doryce: don't think about food, it's a fad. this obviously isn't the place. we'll get there. think about all the things we'll do together when we get home. think about the brunch festivals.

Gladyce: the Atlanta one?

Doryce: any brunch festival. we're like digital nomads except we don't get paid.

Gladyce: technomad. you techno mad? all the money these days is in typing, not swimming.

at the State Dinner next to the McDonald's, Putin is holding a reception with contact staff. Papa John is seated down forcefully by Nikki Haley who undoes his ropes behind a locked closet door with one naked light bulb up top on a string.

Nikki: spill.

Papa John: i hate football, and now i hate the other football which is something i never saw coming. after the protests and all the national-anthem disappearings i lost a lot of business. i had to look for work overseas. so i came here to this Russian tv gig. let me tell ya it was not at all what i envisioned. i mean i had to serve Jill Stein. humiliation upon humiliation it was JILL STEIN! i..........just couldn't do it.........it was too disgusting.

Jill Stein: *overhearing* not as disgusting as your pizza. i only eat real pizza from Italy.

Papa John: you see? before she could mouth the word organic i flung my silver pizza tray at her. she was able to catch it midflight by moving the silver pizza tray on her head and shooting it back at my head in a silver glow blast. like a sterling-silver stein. it missed cos i'm that short.

Nikki: that was the Sword of Saad, dummy.

Papa John: what is that?

Nikki: something you would never understand. how did you two fare? was the intel good?

Strzok and Page enter the closet and lock the door behind them.

Nikki: got 'im?

Papa John: yeah! got that SOB?

Nikki: not you, foo'

Page wears a derby and chomps on a diner straw. Strzok is jacketless and chews on a café straw.

the agents put their straws into the mouths of Papa John and Nikki, closing their lower jaws for them.

Page: no straws for us, we respect the environment. we sure did! Mueller is strung up like a stuck pig! as the centerpiece on Putin's table! on a silver pizza platter. he's even got a Russian apple in his mouth. which is no apple.

Nikki: need extra rope? i got some.

Page quickly removes the Sword of Saad from off Nikki's crown and places it on top of her own head through her bushy hair.

Nikki: i swear i saw Muller out there. he had a potato in his mouth.

but the vision vanishes into thick air and all Nikki sees at the table now is a sack of potatoes. she then is wearing an apron and buns and preparing the boiled pot potatoes in a large cylindrical titanium pot which doesn't shine. over low blue heat. serving them with a ladle to her yellow-checkered-board atomical family with a '50s smile.

Page: *motioning to her partner* come on, let's get out of here.

Papa John: *squirming* hey! what about me?!

CRONES: BOMARZO w/ BESTIE

Doryce: we'll be there before you know it.

Gladyce: that's supposed to be my line. i'm glad you're taking the reigns, girl.

the two old trotters mangle their way through unmarked leaf roads and village speed limit signs. Doryce is noticing the old gal doesn't speak much anymore, her eyes droop, her breath labors under her lined neck quietly, but her throat still swallows. she's using her last drop to carry them over the hump. and not make a mess doing it.

Doryce for her part continues holding onto her friend on her back, arms swaying and interlocking.

Doryce: don't look at the ground, dear, look up at the stars. be curious. when morale is low we must look at each other and trudge on, for there is no cheating the universe. want some Silver Horse grapes?

Bama: i could eat a horse thank you. hey i'm doing my application online on my watch. what's the opposite of "catch"? like you know "that's the catch".

Doryce: it's not baseball, dear.

Gladyce: *wearily* silver lining.

Doryce: oh yeah, i can see that, that works. rest your lungs, homegirl, we're in the stretch drag. now i see what you were alerting me, too, clever girl. the grass is green despite the bonechilling blizzard on the horizon. you're clearing a path for us with your massive gait, opening a gate. hopefully it's not gout.

the party reaches Bomarzo and all that entails. the secret gardens and stone mummified fixtures of foxes and other creatures dot the landcape with gothic intrigue and muddled mystery, framing a fierce freedom that's not easily felled by vines. the Renaissance carvings on stone bespoil a latent history which awakens Doryce's heart and mind, she sees these giant runes as something more, something more ancient which connects the valleys of her soul.

Dorcye: this place would be spooky at night. but art is always art. what you reckon, major?

Bama: i can't look at a statue anymore unless it's of me breaking the record. all i see are many individual final exams in art-history class. they all start to look like Olmec, i miss that show.

Doryce: you've broken all the records in my book, love, all the ones which matter.

the landing party lands on top of the entrance goblin, a ghoulish-looking monster with his stone tongue out like an Aztec punker. they realize his teeth are closed.

Stan Lee: i'm not the janitor. this is not another cameo. i'm here because my life has been rough. where's my nurse?
Agnes: i'm not your nurse!

Bama: whoa! look over there, miss! a naked man and another man making love. that's the symbolism anyway. the one man is on the ground being held by the feet in the shape of an actual plow!

the teeth open up. a train jams by on invisible tracks of air. Bama of course on animal instinct tries to stop it with his bare hands. before he can turn around and get a good grip of the front lights the train has barreled him into the oblivion of oblivious thin air.

Doryce: darling! that gets you every time when it shouldn't. it would have gotten me as a naif waif, too, but i've since learned being a young naïve nympho. now i turn to the left. you should have turned to the left and seen that big turtle.

Josh Duhamel climbs out of the teeth. wearing Arab swag.

Josh Duhamel: what happened? miracle! milagro! it was dark here. the air is thin. it had been snowing horribly nonstop endless for weeks. i was about to close for the period, no students mean no Arab swag bags. it was scaring my small son. well okay me. you saved the tourist trap i mean national monument! these are not just a pile of rocks.

Doryce: *sighs heavily* i don't have time for an explanation. oh we know all about rocks, boys. now help me with her, hunk.

Doryce: it's not much warmer in here. but it's greener.

Josh: the least i can do is free you. as in free tickets for the grounds. and this McDonald's coupon. the only other person i offered this to was the Emirati man of mystery.

Doryce: that's depressing. that's the first thing i saw when we entered, the McDonald's in the corner. with a parking lot and everything tearing into the lush jungle landscape. and no yellow.

Josh: i always just have my real pizza.

Gladyce: *meekly* oh there's a sight for sore eyes! Jane O'Brien from BBC America practing hr axe-throwing on that poor log of a tree trunk.

Doryce: we always took for for a lamb lass, love. you seem so calm and collected reading the news.

Jane O'Brien: if i didn't do this axe-throwing, i'd use the axe elsewhere. John Oliver isn't enough. i have a lot of internal problems underneath my librarian demeanor which don't read on tv.

Gladyce: you gotta fight like an ex-secretary, dear. and join us when your training is complete.

Jane: life is one big acting clinic.

the Worcester Hills approacheth which means there is one last turn. into the McDonald's. or you could try the drive-thru?

Doryce: blegh. might as wll be a blocking sanitary truck.

Gladyce: Josh, you know why Fergie hackjobbed the national anthem on tv, right? it was to get your attention. i mean she's normally a good singer, right?

Doryce smiles and rubs Josh's nose.

Doryce: a woman knows. no matter how old we get, we're still women.

at McDonald's Emma Gonzalez is making up with her former beau, as kids do.

Emma: it was always you, baby! that Red Gerard was just a fling thing! everyone bags a ginger once in their lives it's part of growing up. i got Olympic fever but like all diseases it was gone after two weeks! a mere flu.

President Bump enters the establishment under heavy guard, well just the Hamburglar whose prison stripes Bump mistakes for a European uniform. Putin enters shortly after down the back way.

Putin: Forager Project you say? sounds like the Cuban Missile Crisis which was a disaster. botched on our end.

Bump: the best nuts i've ever tasted. malty. hey why did they change the Chicken & Stars? the old shape of my youth was better, the closed stars not the open stars.

Putin behind the counter in a paper hat: sorry, sir, we don't serve that here. we only fill up sippy cups with Fountain Coke. mcnuggets. mcnuggets? what a silly name. how can you americans eat a silly thing called mcnuggets, i mean think about it.

Bump: hi kids, hey kids, hey there. Santa brought gifts, check inside my Happy Meal paper house. unfasten the upside-down Ms which look like Ws. from EB. Emirati Boutique. got all the latest titles. Dead Terrain, Mortal Kombat, ooh i heard Mortal Kombat made a character out of me, i love any appearance of me in the media. don't worry, i don't jack off to the ninja ladies in the game that would be weird.

Emma: Ms. Pac-Man?

Bump swipes her hand.

Bump: NOT that one! that one's very dangerous, poisons the mind, teaches some corrosive lessons.

Emma: you've already lost us forever. for a generation.

Bump: nonsense, you'll get your cars back. i had to move them for the Qatari blockade you don't mind. replaced your Jeep Rubicons with Jeff Jeeps, gave them away to Jeff Goldblum. now you'll have space to enjoy the stars under the Malvern Hills it will be quite the concultural event, i'll be there with you.

Bump attaches a McDonald's birthday hat of Grimaces all around to Putin's face. the daze in Putin's face is matched only with its stun when the little tight string of the hat snaps into place under Putin's chin causing the offworld leader to smile like a dolt.

Putin: this was your Presidential Banquet for me? i hope you liked your stay at the Kremlin.

Bump: oh yes. there is no beauty quite like Russian beauty. it's like hot and cold at the same time. i met my next five wives at that party.

Putin: those women were all me.

Bump chews all the ice in his cup with crushing speed.

Bump: look at all the marker molecules in the fizz of this Coke. it's all yellow to me. this isn't the new Coke alcohol is it?

Putin: not yet. do you realize you burp all the time and not even notice it? i was told the Spice Girls would be here. that's their codenames anyway. i want to show the Girls my invincible missile.

Bump: hey i came in here cos i saw the W sign out front. where's Wendy? she's the only ginger i ever wanted to fuck besides my red handball ball. how did you turn the yellow M around in such short a time? must have taken herculean labor and manpower.

Putin: i have a lot of little men.

TMIT: WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS

1. do you have a special place you like to have sex regularly? a church. if the church is closed, i find a supermarket. the supermarket's always open.

2. what's the hardest thing you've ever done? the scariest? my penis. writing again seriously after 20 years, a layoff hiatus not of my own choosing, a period of time in my life when i was alternating between clouded confusion and foggy fire, i was thinking i was either gonna die or go crazy or both. like that new Soderbergh Unsane. Soderbergh introduced me to Sasha Grey, well really did. legend has it that at the premiere screening of sex, lies, and videotape at Sundance in the frozen seats Clint Eastwood stood up in the middle and declared, "THIS is the kind of nuanced indie shit i should be directing and starring in! this is the new age of subtle filmmaking!" y'know just having something to do regularly is a small leap forward toward bracing for betterment and the sane use of butter again.

3. are you annoying? TYPE IN MY NAME HERE AND CHECK

4. a person whom you've had "the hots" for for a very long time tells you they are super-attracted to you. you spend a few hours together and the sexual attraction is overwhelming. you are dying to have this person as your lover. at the moment you are highly aroused, and he/she wants to have sex with you in a church. would you do it?

this happened to me like it was yesternight. it's funny cos when i told him i had the hots for him, he just smiled at me devilishly. we spent the prayer time dusting off our knees, getting our knees into position, and picking out the waxiest candles. i used the purple altar-boy sash, he used his cleft toe. i showed him a particularly cute candle in a glass of the painted cross, he said my candle was wack. when i told him a church is a sacred place and shouldn't be defiled so, he just smiled at me devilishly.

have i told you about the time i had the hots for Satan?...

5. while in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you? CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

sorry i read that as sequel like a dolphin. only if she has a dolphin-safe tuna.

bonus: are you good in bed? CLICK HERE AND CHECK THE LYRICS

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

links-o-rama this week

KYRIE: "TOLD YA"

learned:

* is there really a choice?

* ironically, Kyrie has his own Nike commercial out at the same time. full of postapocalyptic amusement-ride whirlybirds, Clockwork Orange skateboarders on halfpipes, and the Boston Philharmonic.

* NASA sent out a new weather satellite into space. you know what that means. more Maria LaRosa!!!

* Japanese businessman: this isn't coffee, it's tea. look! that's where all the anime gets made.

* but when's Metalocalypse coming back?

* if you clutch your pearls too hard, you'll choke

* soccerer: great, now one side will always have the advantage of shade.
goalie: i have a built-in excuse. i can't see a thing.

* "top story of the day: traffic in L.A./ but at least the highway looks like a pretzel. and those red cars look like Hot Tamales. oh, i see, this is the line for Black Panther."

* axis? so you're telling me there's a giant silver rod through the center of the Earth skewering it like a kebab? where is it? i don't see it.

* is that Sandrine Holt? i swear she gets in everything.

* oh no wait, it's the girl from LazyTown! that's perfect casting.

* reporter: we were still able to generate enough energy to bring you this report. thank you, China.

* hamster in hamster wheel: life is absurd.
Camus: you were the original Sisyphus.

* leader of the pack: let's go!
kids: follow the white woman. the woman wearing white.

* ginger on smartphone: *typing* let's go!!! wait, none of my followers are runners.

* Kenyan father: i am disappointed in you, son. you are a scholar while the rest of your brothers are training in the reeds to achieve Olympic gold medals. swift like cheetahs, we are the lions of long-distance. it's the Gohan/Goku thing all over again.

* Bill Nye: what happened to my popularity? i used to be the cool underground indie guy in the '90s who would spout off a few lesser-known fun facts inbetween hits of my drums. i was in a drum-circle band in university. slumming it on Matthew McConaughey's ratty couch. i'm using this tissue to protect my fingers. why does everyone hate me now?
science reporter: i'm supposed to be more the ethnic Bill Nye than Neil deGrasse Tyson.

* get in the way of a gaggle of colorfully-dressed women in gold tennis shoes on their way to an Indian wedding at your own peril

* that girl was so fast she lit all the lanterns with her love. i know it's the Red Light District but it still counts as love.

* leader of the pack: ooooh, are those Redbottom Nikes? a girl's gotta look good when she saves the world.

* Kevin Hart: i got so much material from this for Kyrie at the All-Star Game.

* Odell Beckham: don't need an uber i came in a Bigfoot i mean a Sasquatch brought me. Jack Link's.
director: cut, let's try it again.

* Bill Nye: i've literally never run before in my life. guys, my legs are starting to feel like jelly. i never thought this was scientifically or humanly possible but i'm about to spontaneously combust.

* Simone Biles: this is the longest runway to a vault i've ever done.

* Greek Freak: the people back home think you American bullies are mocking me with your nickname of me. but i tell them i'm a jock not an outcast and it's not a sex thing.
Archer: oh it's a sex thing.

* Kobe: my next project is gonna be this Paul Thomas Anderson thing in which i play this peach farmer who invents basketball...

* reporter: excuse my sunken eyes, it's been a rough night that never turns to day.

* Olivia Munn: hi, i'm Olivia Munn. my dog pooed! but anyway i used to be a quarterback's mistress but it was weird cos i was taller than him. i really wish that sex fantasy i texted hadn't leaked online, i'd be doing exactly that to Chris Pine right now in private. Snowden was right.

* reporter: this just in. the world is meant to spin back and forth as if grooving to God's beat.

* wait, if the universe is flat.........................................then..................................

* hamster in hamster wheel: i mean energy. yeah. foot energy.
Camus: remember that night it rained boulders?

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. there's a lot going on you have to keep level. focus on what matters. i want you to take out your phone for me. i want you to turn on your Shamrock-Shake locator...

CRONES: JUVENOIA (III)

the clouds over Mount Ayr pass like air. the two-of-a-kind enjoy the Jazz Bash at the Portola Hotel conference centre and steakburgers at the Ground Round.

Doryce: thought the sign said Pound. and i'm not talking British.

Gladyce: no more pot from Wesleyan. Messleyan more like it amirite.

the ladies highfive each other.

Gladyce: those ovens really are for indian food and scrod. railway chicken curry. in kati pockets.

Doryce: i like microwaveable indian food but why does it always have to be so hot all the time? like roof-numbing hot, burning your jaw off. can't i taste all the meaty goodness without it being drowned in spice? i don't know what cold meat tastes like anymore.

Gladyce: japanese-style grilled white meat. had it at the Front Academy on Mount Pleasant. a film maven with Slavic hair fed it to me whilst explaining as best he could to me trade deficits at the World Cup Trading Championships. station WTVR was covering it.

Doryce: whatever. i really need to get railed.

Bama with his Slavic hair is sleeping on a bale of hay with the pitchfork. which is really the afro and afro-pick of DeMar.

Doryce: or some maple pecan granola cereal with rice milk in place of.

Gladyce: i'm a Diet Cokehead.

Nunberg: hold my Diet Coke.

crones and Emma: you scared us!

Emma walks the other way with her new boyfriend Red Gerard.

Emma: holding it down for the millennials.

Agnes Varda arrives with Stan Lee on her arm .

Agnes: i know i know but does it always have to be Stan Lee?

Gladyce: Jack's Quality Organic Superior Pinto Beans. you know how they get so Superior? did i tell you this story? they're triple-washed. and it's not all water if you get my meaning.

Doryce: feed your phenomenal. has it been a year already? everyone's coming back. one revolution round the sun.

Gladyce: fetch me my oval of sleeping powder, dear, the one with the white rose painted on the oval.

Doryce tips the oval over, shaking out the last pieces of felt.

Doryce: nothing in here but cashew dust.

Gladyce: cashew friction dust. i'm afraid to sleep.

Doryce: perfect for peckish.

Gladyce grabs to hold Doryce's hand and holds onto three fingers.

Gladyce: we did it, hon. we won. we had this experience of contemplation together. people think contemplation must be done alone for it to work. the disease couldn't destroy us just then. these series of moments will live forever. now i can die alone happy knowing i wasn't alone.

Doryce: oh love you mustn't talk like that, you'll get me to cry. one look at you and i'll start crying, i've been trying to hold it in this whole time, to be strong for you. don't be the reason i fog up my glasses.

Gladyce: i know and i'm sorry. momentary. where to next?

Doryce: i don't know.

Gladyce raises one bony finger and her guttural laugh.

Gladyce: follow the snow!

CRONES: JUVENOIA (II)

Bama: cinnamon bears?

Doryce: what are they feeding you at that school?

Bama: nothing. you have to pay for every food.

Gladyce: ah i remember cinnamon bears. roaming over the countryside of my youth.

Bama raises his both biceps like hangers and poses.

Bama: i fight bear in the woods. see who goes poo in the forest first.

Doryce: The Cinnamon Bear was a famous radio play i enjoyed as a baby. i would get tucked into it every night. i don't remember now who exactly it was cradling me but i always remembered falling asleep to the impossible adventures of silver stars in my head, not out there.

Gladyce: i remember. followed after by The Phantom Detective.

Doryce: asleep by then. the kiddie stuff put me out like a light.

Bama: the Korean soap or the vintage comic book? i do both at college. i have a lot of free time and i call Emma a lot for advice and i'm bored.

Gladyce: pulp noirs, romance in a can of frozen pulpy orange juice. you must broaden your palate, dear Doryce.

Doryce: i prefer the real thing, as sloppy as it is. i feel i don't have very much time left.

down Bear Creek the couple at the next next table are trying to keep out of view holding big bulky binoculars over their eyes.

Gladyce: see? suspense at the next table. two pairs of tits. hills. that couple knows how to gel, their body language bespeaks a new energy, they don't need to speak.

Strzok and Page are worriedly grasping at diner straws trying to locate the target. they're looking at Comey's house. which is like a long-boarded colonial except it's more of the bottom half of a steamboat where the paddlewheel affixes in in the swamp. Comey is pacing back and forth.

Strzok: i think he caught us but his eye was off. Ashley is there inside with him. he immediately broke an egg and spliced the shells on the back of his foot.

Page: ouch.

Strzok: he's starting to talk. with her in the room. it must be a signal. but how? but why? wait you know what, he's not voicing, he's emoting, he's silently mouthing the words.

Page: impressive. just how you were able to discern i wanted to fuck you. you read my mind.

Strzok: Peter and Lisa, the game's up for me. Ashley is a world-class reporter. but it's not over for you. you are so lucky to be in the position you are in. you still have a job to do! come to work everyday. hug each other everyday first thing. trust no one. you're all you've got. they want me to give him up, they want the location, but i trust you. i know you'll do the right thing. are you getting all this?

Page points to her temple.

Page: photographic memory. don't need an instagram account.

Strzok: you're so lucky to not be married. you can't be compromised and ransomed. you still have mystery and romance and an office. once you tie you're tied. all the games are done, all the secrets known, the habits grown. it's more of an implied hug after that. never give up. keep working your inbox. don't give it up too soon. what's good for the country is good for you, too. i even caught that rhyme.

Page mouths back as only a woman can.

Page: sir, can you do me a favor? say it to me, it gets me all tingly.

Comey drops his jaw then moves it subtly, mouthing: "i want an information on you."

Page: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Strzok: are you quite finished?

Page: i never finish.

Comey sneezes. that prompts Ashley to turn around and tend to his nose.

Doryce: really squares my true. like the famed Aladdin stone. pure. can we just buy an uuni oven? i want to make pizza myself.

Gladyce: that's another slang for masturbation isn't it?

CRONES: JUVENOIA (THAT'S THE WAY THE CRUFFIN CRUMLINS)

Gladyce: sometimes, dear, you must stop traveling, sit down, and from the vantage point of your butt analyze this crazy world. over a spot or a whole cheetah of tea.

Doryce: splendid idea, love. well okay. just tell me where to drop you. my dogs are barking. and my feet hurt. where are we?

Gladyce: somewhere on a green isle, i can sense the magic in the air. but in my condition if i breathe too deeply i'll suck all the magic out. observe but never tamper.

Bama: we played Don't Step In It in my dorm when the RAs went to sleep.

Doryce: don't ruin the mood with how the world ended, love, but god bless you. that is why cats own me.

Bama: i gotcha. why don't we go to that bale of hay over there? with the devil trident sticking out.

Gladyce: oh how quaint. the cafes here are actually the owner's tiny homes under thatched roof. what adds to the homey appeal. i'm famished for a cruffin.

Bama: vocab.

Doryce: croissant and muffin? shoulda been mussant, that's about as French-sounding as a word can get.

the maitre'd is of course Conor McGregor.

Bama: i fight you.

Conor: slacks off, mate. one more for the kit. i see you already have your shirt off.

Bama: i do it for the ladies. these old ladies right here. i'm proud to be their slave chosen from a million online people on a magic dating website. *hugs them*

Doryce blushes first, then Gladyce. Conor blushes all the time cos he's a ginger.

Doryce: what are you doing here, beef-wellington-cake?

Conor: hiding out...........er...........i mean having a real job. cruffins are native to my land. they grow on trees here. literally.

Gladyce: Crumlin.

Conor: hey old lady that's not cool. not a cool nickname for Dublin. Dublin is not crummy. just going through a hard time like everyone else. when they changed the Lucky Charms marshmallows the people took it hard. and to wash down your crumbs?

Gladyce: *scanning the long thin tea menu* that Gorilla Decaf sounds good.

Doryce: yeah that caught my eye of course. let me drink the gorilla!

Conor: tis coffee that tho.

our crones: we need to wake up.

Bama: college is keeping me woke. oh for me anything that isn't PURPLE KOOL-AID!!! purple Kool-Aid powder is the devil!

Conor: two apes, no grape, got it.

Doryce: and for you, dear? you can come out of hiding. i've got something to show you.

Emma Gonzalez skulks out of a bush and sits down her pack.

Emma: uh, i guess i'll try the Green Mountain Dark Magic. my first coffee.

Gladyce: that's the spirit, love, literally. be firsty. and fisty. never be afraid of magic, it belongs to you, you earned it, it will always guide you away from this place of drudgery and law.

Emma: i was walking with no shoes on and DeRozan came up to me and handed me his vintage Olympic Project for Human Rights patch. it goes well with the other skateboarding stickers on my backpack. if i could only sew it on. i like retro things!

DeRozan: yeah it was the only thing i knew from my father. he slipped it in an envelope with the rent check and mysteriously disappeared after that. that was back when the Olympics were still a real phenomenon, in the three-channel age, when the whole world literally was watching it cos there was literally nothing else to watch.

crones and Emma: you scared us. don't sneak up on people like that.

DeRozan: come on.

Emma: now we have one channel which connects us to everyone in the world, twitter.

Gladyce: where'd you come from?

DeRozan: we all come from Africa. i was retracing the steps of the fighters who came before me. to see if i can regain my fight. the trials that fateful Games were held in a beautiful yet dark stretch of heavy woods, it was like the track and fields magically sprang up from the ancient trails of a Grimm tale. gothic turns and high-jumps into branches. as in the branches would cradle your attempt at the height of your jump, smothering your record. the more i wandered around those woods, the more time i had to think, and the more depressed i got. athletes have a lot of time on their hands. you could have gotten lost in those woods.

Doryce: and they say nature is a great cleanser. Emma dear, let me fit you for your crown.

Doryce bends the Sword of Saad and branches it over Emma's head gently. like a crown of thorns. except without thorns. just branches.

Doryce: there. perfect fit, princess. it's a good thing you shaved your head. you look like Jesus Janis Joplin! have you been talking to anyone important?

Emma: a few elected officials. whom i have no idea how they got elected. by people. one thought i was applying for a job and suggested the summer after graduation i intern for NRAtv. parents just don't understand.

Gladyce: keep hammering the boat. and best try your luck with foreign dignitaries, they're nicer and will be more amenable to your cause. the adults are terrified of you. you're a rising constituency they can't control. don't ever let them control you. people are terrified of growing old. growing out of favor, a new generation squelching all their power and norms and long-held customs they thought would stand the test of time. the rings of power become stones they can't fit their fingers through anymore, they can't control where those slight fingers will catch the wind. 1000-year rules gone in the blink of an eye, ideas thought certain crowded by a scary mob of strange new bodies with their own take on things, every things. the mores the oldies wanted more of melted into a moribund morass of money. they feel their bones turn to dust, and their business with them. and their religions are laughed at, their churches burnt to the ground. replaced. not with a thought but with a system of computer spells. to mobilize by you to create their own nation and own nationalism of that nation. the frightened fogies are made to feel worthless and ordinary and out-of-date. the keys to the banks are push-button. so out of-touch they can't touch anyone anymore. take it from a dottery old bat, daughtery, that's why old people are always so curmudgeonly toward kids.

Conor takes his French leave.

Nunberg storms in like a bull. luckily all the china has been cleared and shipped off to China.

Nunberg approaches Emma scarily.

Nunberg: got any of the good stuff, youth? it's not for me, it's for the Boss. without it he gets unstable.

Emma: pssshaw. just cos i'm a young person? bye.

DeRozan: no. bye, Felicio. i'm off to join the new Black Panther movement in Wakanda.

Nunberg: can i borrow your motorcycle gloves?

Nunberg asks Steven Spielberg at the next table.

Nunberg: got any green goods?

Spielberg slips his hand in his jacket pocket and pulls out a wad of cash.

Nunberg: that'll work, too. money for pot.

Spielberg: what, just cos i'm Jewish? i mean you happened to get lucky this time cos it was me but still.

President Bump arrives on a Harley hog wearing tight jeans and drinking a Jack Daniels.

Bump: i got this from her husband.

he points at Emma with a gun-shaped finger. the finger tansforms into a watergun which squirts water on top of Emma's head. a white flower sprouts out from under the hardsoil concrete of Emma's head encircled by her crown. Emma smiles.

Bump: you are a voting bloc. i blocked from my twitter. come on, where my mood-stabilizers? slip them under the hotel door in an envelope. for DD.

Nunberg: Stormy's tits?

Bump: no that's my alias.

Nunberg: first thing in the morning. i just need to calm down. i'm not always on trial despite how my last name sounds. i'm not crazy this is just how i am.

Bump: yeah, me, too.

TMIT: OSCARS WRAPUP w/ YOUR HOST PLASTIC JESUS

learned:

* Seacrest out

* that old-timey cold open was just terrible

* ah, the '90s...

* wait, no Oscars for Streep from 92-95? that's when Cobain was active! MERYL STREEP WAS KURT COBAIN!!!

* Jimmy Kimmel: look at the Oscar statue. naked, holding his sword...

* Mary J Blige, we need to collect all that rain later! Californis's been in a drought since Jerry Brown created the state before God. he was at fault. it was too dry, had too much brush, and was directly over a fault. inauspicious beginning.

* Barbra Streisand: my beloved nurse, fetch me my sleeping powder in the oval goblet with the yellow lilac.
nurse: whatever for, miss?
Barbra: i cloned my dog. now i need to forget that i cloned my dog so it just seems like my good old dog is licking my face.

* Timothee Chalamet: oh well. what do i do now?
Timothee's mom: there's this new series on NBC called Rise you could audition for...............perhaps you could go back to school?
Timothee: LaGuardia High School is not a real school. mom, i love you but i want a Violetta Komyshan.
Timothee's mom: Jennifer Lawrence talked to me at the Vanity Fair party. she asked for my permission to fuck you.
Jennifer Lawrence: it's gonna be so cool finally being the older woman! first nudity, now this!

* *Sam Rockwell dances up the steps*

* Jimmy Kimmel: Guillermo?
Guillermo: yes?
Jimmy Kimmel: no, not you, the del Toro Guillermo.

* Tiffany Haddish: dammit, my name's not that hard to pronounce! it's like a refined hash. i've had it!

* props to Tiffany for representin' Eritrea. y'know in fourth grade we all learned about Ethiopia but i didn't find out Eritrea was even a thing until my senior year of high school...

* not catch: stars in your movie house.
catch: the movie playing is that god-awful Strangers horrible horror mess.

* Jimmy: but unfortunately hot-dog guns are not allowed in movie theatres. Armie Hammer? your name sounds like what my 9-year-old self would eat in a Tide pod.

*  to help celebrate Coco, Taco Bell tacos are currently falling from the rafters onto your heads! one free taco limit one per celebrity. Oscar Sunday only. give the free one to your understudy.

* BB-8 squawks onstage.
Mark Hamill: alright, BB-8, you're in the way now. you're tripping all the presenters! fuck you, BB-8.
Mark Hamill kicks BB-8 like a soccer ball into the rafters.
Mark Hamill: World Cup. this summer. only on Fox Sports Channel. force your local provider.

* Allison Janney: Joanne Woodward was my mentor. i had to eat a lot of salad dressing. The West Wing should be the most-popular show on tv NOW when it's really needed!

* Keegan-Michael Key: so i'll see you at work tomorrow?...
Jordan Peele: naw, man, naw.
Keegan: *voice falters* we promised. we promised each other that time we got locked in a Chinese nail salon we'd never let our heads get too big for each other, we'd make fun of that.
Jordan Peele: *crying* love ya, baby. goodbye.

* okay Common's like fuck this i'm the one who's gonna get political tonight if you don't like it push sand and throw rocks

* James Ivory: remember when the Oscars were good? when the Oscars were in the '80s? real glitz and tape-delayed glamor? long but not 2002 long? remember Merchant/Ivory? why do we have to die? why can't we be encased in ivory soap?

* Darla K Anderson: i'm the gay Meryl Streep. i have just as much gravitas.

* i feel it, Daniela. i'll have whatever love Daniela Vega is currently on.

* Kobe: does this count as a 6th Ring? i am tied with Jordan now?

* Greta Gerwig: my name sound like a bedbug. send me your movie you made on your phone.

* Kumail: you're just jealous my wife is hot. do you hear how i speak, with that upper-middlecrust English lip-pursing cadence? i speak the language better than you do! you go back to your original country!

* Oscar winner to wife: whatever.

* Agnes Varda waves. Christopher Plummer starts to rap.

* Christopher Plummer: people think i'm English. i'm the most serious Canadian who has ever lived.

* that Song category was intense. you had those two epic anthemic songs up against each other. it just wasn't a fair competition. those two songs coincidentally are both featured in NBC's Rise coming soon.

* Eddie Vedder: i thought my music would bring Kurt back...

* Jane Fonda and Helen Mirren.
Jane: now WE are the real black-and-white cookie!
Helen: why does the stage look like a Stargate? did we teleport here?
Jane: in a manner of speaking. as you can see, we're hoarding all the aluminum for this stage frontispiece before it's too late.
Helen: i looked better when i was a blue-haired Price is Right girl.
Jane: i'm not an old bluehair like you.
Helen: i can pull it off. my hair is frosty blue.
Jane: oh go sit on the Orgasmatron.

* did Jennifer Lawrence suddenly grow taller?

* Jodie Foster arrives on the stage on crutches.
Jodie: it was Streep.
Jennifer Lawrence makes the Jenna Marbles face.
Jodie: this isn't patter. Streep really did kneecap me.

* Gary Oldman: this piece of gold is fine but my real prize was getting my girlfriend to marry me.
girlfriend: i wouldn't have cuffed him if he hadn't let me fuck him in his Churchill suit.

* Nest commercial: son, respect women. a prom date is just that, a date. if you end up in jail i have this Nest security system here installed in the house which will keep you out.

* Frances McDormand: Inclusion Rider..................................is not a Harley motorcycle.

* Frances: i'm frightened by this. Hilary Swank. see? see what happens when you win two Oscars?

* Guillermo del Toro looks so different now than when we was young. must be the beard. Guillermo del Toro is everyone's grandpa, the World Grandfather who likes to drink beer and just happens to be a big magical troll.

* Warren Beatty: and the Oscar goes to.....................La La Land. it's only fair.
Faye Dunaway: you realize all of our years of hard work and love onscreen is in the toilet now, right? we will only ever be known for this forever.

* i don't know what i'd do if i won an Oscar. it would all be a blur. i would walk on steps but not remember them. i would stand on there onstage for five minutes and not say one word. total silence and burning light. air so dead it joined the anxiety-laden artist from the 405 doc. so frozen the jet-ski would need to be a snowmobile.

* right at the start of the telecast my large afro started itching. i spent the remainder of the telecast in pain. my head at that spot must be a red-as-lava mess by now, infected with worms. right after i doused the spot with five dabs of medicinal shampoo. when does a dab stop being a dab and become a quarter? i couldn't shower so i removed the pile of squirts with a paper towel. i really need a haircut.

* assembled fashion-hound newbies i've never seen before in my life at the E! table: wait, why aren't we coming live right after the broadcast?
Ryan Seacrest arrives unfashionably late at 11PM carrying a cough button.

* little did Jimmy Kimmel know Matt Damon was in the control booth making sure the correct envelope was read.........

* who knew Jimmy Kimmel would end up more famous than Ben Stein?

1. what food is your city known for? Starbucks food
2. what should people do when visiting your city? run
3. what do people do when they come to your home? stuff their raging mouths into my throw-pillow and sob inconsolably about how their lives just didn't turn out the way they expected.
4. what should people expect when they visit you? in my village if you step foot in another man's property you take over the mortgage.
bonus: if you were a chair who would you like to have sit on you? the librarian

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

CRONES AND CRUSTIES

learned:

* how is this not an AARP commercial?

* all can be explained. the teeth are props, she's a propmistress. the pills, well it's Hollywood. remember when alarm clocks had those annoying bells? now with smartphones you never have to wake up

* company policy: we're not gonna be ageist. you can fly a plane no matter what your age. but you have to look kempt and presentable. you must comb your hair. your one hair.

* lady in red: *singing* Lady in Red.............why can't these stairmasters be faster?................i got my fucking cane stuck in the fucking railing!!!

* desk jockette: i'm 85 and i want to go home.
me: wait, Class of '43? so you're either 93 or 96 depending on whether you Class high school or college.
desk jockette: i'll put it to you this way. Walt Disney fucked me in '37 when Snow White came out. i was his inspiration for Snow White. so whatever year that makes that less illegal for Walt.

* guru man: clocking out at 9AM. life is all.

* man on scooter: what the fuck is that contraption? those stupid fidget spinners?
Apple genius: i'm on a hoverboard.
man on scooter: but it doesn't hover.
Apple genius: your scooter is not street-legal.
man on scooter: i'll never understand the young people of today. did you get this job cos of how you are?
Apple genius: come on, man.

* UPS lady: i don't mind this pile of boxes crowding my vision. but for the love of fuck get me form-fitting shorts!

* old doctor with saw: this is for all the heartache you put me and your mother through, son. and for all those god-awful horror movies you made me sit through.

* old referee: don't touch the refs! you could kill me!

* old woman window-washing on a high-rise: this is the only way society will ever see an elderly person anymore.

* old man in fire-retardant suit and gloves: I SAID I WANTED TO WINTER IN FLORIDA BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!

* Savannah was where Baywatch was secretly filmed. that's why it went on forever, cheaper location costs.

* me: how'd you snag that red babe boobing slowly on the beach?
old lifeguard: i'm that 100-year-old guy with his shirt off that did the pole vault. the doctor, check the Jim Rome footage.
me: i'm sure you don't mind getting CPR from her.
old lifeguard: i had to give her CPR. she choked on a bone in the baked potato served at bingo.

* old fireman: FLYBOARDING MOTHERFUCKER!
me: i'm surprised you even know what that is.
old fireman: at my age, getting the first letter right is an accomplishment. firemen are boring anyway, see them all the time in Florida...

* DJ Nana: i got Skrillex's hair stuck in my dentures.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. I'M SO EXCITED FOR SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES RETURNS NEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!