KURT LODER ON THE CASE: I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY

 

Tabitha Soren: i've just come back from the Medical Examiner's Office.

Kurt Loder: yeah.

Tabitha: you look tired, Kurt.

Kurt: that's how i always look, the light left my eyes long ago, my eyes were a New England lighthouse in the 1880s taking crashes of waves on a craggy island, we were all wearing frilly frocks back then. music is the only thing keeping me alive.

 

Tabitha: our bosses at MTV have your new assignment: have you heard of "You Get What You Give"?

Kurt: the New Radicals, unexpected hit song on the radio.

Tabitha: not THAT unexpected, it is catchy. those lyrics tho.

Kurt: yeah, poor Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson.

Tabitha: but that's the thing, everyone focuses on those two and miss the two who were FIRST besmirched in the lyrics: Beck and Hanson. go to Beck and Hanson and see how they're feeling about it.

Tabitha: btw, have you seen Marilyn Manson lately?

Kurt: um, yeah, he's fine.

Tabitha: and Courtney?

Kurt: Courtney Love is consoling Kurt Cobain...

Shaun Alexander: see everyone hates Alabama, but when i joined the Seattle Seahawks i used those Southern skills in the North and suddenly i was cool.

Kurt Cobain: yeah.

James Joyce NOT drunk doing a pubcrawl around Ireland: what's the point of being an Irish writer? you'll never be as good as me...

a mall food court in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s: parkouring the alleyways in Blade Runner...

pancake syrup: not good warm...

Melissa Maker: like my Friday-night tits with cum on them.

Taco Bell: Mexican Pizza.........Sauce is back!!!

Creepshow: this was a cartoon in the '80s, right? came on after Smurfs. yeah i remember that Creepshow Christmas special...

den: a man cave in the '80s...

Lindy Lenz: my email is lindyl999999999@aol.com.

me: are those Ls? you do this so no creeps can reach you.

Lindy: not necessarily, there are 9 nines...

Jasmine and Connor Cook of Double Take Reacts: we're quickly catching up to Suzy Lu and Steejo. we react to ALL the songs, even the controversial songs. we're not brother and sister doing the dishes together in the same flat.

Steejo: same. people think because i'm a kickboxer i can do the Kakashi ninja moves. but i can't.

Ted Turner: i taught Portuguese kids in the '90s English. my greatest creation was not the Atlanta Braves or CNN. it was Cartoon Network. i was the basis for the captain in Sealab 2021...

Saudi Arabia: we're known for our wall of death.........it's not what you think...

Kurt Loder is at his therapist's.

therapist: how are you surviving this week, Madison?

Kurt: it's Kurt. today was a bad one, doc. more than usual for my hangdog life. did you see SNL this weekend?

therapist: i'm afraid i missed it. i was busy blowing up balloons. is John Belushi still doing his thing over there?

Kurt: they had a skit where they portrayed Link from the Legend of Zelda video games as the biggest weenie in the world, a real nancyboy compared to the macho Italian ladies'-man guy from the GTA 6 game.

therapist: GTA?

Kurt: Grand Theft Auto. those games which rot the young men of America like the music of Korn did.

therapist: gotcha, i remember now. why do the ladies love criminals?

Kurt: because i like the Zelda games, i like solving puzzles, i felt like Link: a woman with big ears and blonde hair. my love interest Princess Zelda looks like my son.

therapist: i see. i'm calling up my fellow therapist Robin Williams right now to see if he can talk to you, help you through these feelings of feeling insignificant. i've been there. 

Kurt: i know i'm a wuss, but this week i felt like a weenus.