THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: FARMER GOES TO COLLEGE

 

the blacksmith is now the priest. he presides over his court where a jester entertains him daily.

blacksmith: no more of the jester, get the hook. hook his neck offstage but don't hurt him. this jester's not really funny, he's always just lukewarm like Bill Maher. i'd rather have the guy who makes the mince pies appear before me more.

meanwhile the parson is now a farmer.

parson: i mean growing turnips is fine, but a revolution is coming when everyone in the land will start eating potatoes. there doesn't seem to be much upward mobility in this job: a farmer in Medieval times. you just kinda take over your father's farm and that's your life.

father: if you're lucky, sonny. if a robber baron doesn't mug you and steal your farm from under you on the dirt road.

parson: do people go to college around here? is there higher education?

father: try the castle, kiddo. always try the castle. the castle is where everything is kept.

John Schlesinger: notice the non-sequitur scenes of the neighborhood boys taunting Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man? not a West Side Story tribute. that's what happened to me when i first got to New York City, neighborhood boys thought i was gay for some reason.

hooker's lips: the rose is named after Hooker the botanist, but it does look like...

Mick Jagger: ...my lips.

Tom Cruise: hey, don't even try it, you will never OUTRUN me at my own Scientology facility!!!

Purple Passion: the first Purple Drank.

David Beckham and Posh Spice have just divorced. the two find themselves in the same line for the loo at a dingy London underground punk club with graffiti on the walls and bathroom walls. David Beckham can't speak, he is sheepish. 

Posh finally after a quarter of an hour: well. this is awkward.

David: quite.

Posh: we didn't stay together for the kid, the kid hates us both.

at ESPN.

the betting guy: i don't get it, we're both the betting guy at ESPN, why did Tyler move up to SportsCenter anchor?

Tyler: because i'm tall dark and handsome.

Erin Dolan: and Indian, know what i'm sayin'.

Tyler: and you are a nondescript white boy.

random blonde: is that French? are you trying to be funny on SportsCenter? i don't care, i just work here...

Match Game: if the answer is to fuck, say kiss...

Lucy at the Brown Derby trying to spot William Holden: the Cobb salad was invented here.

William Holden: a dame with brains!!! finally!!!

Lucy: yeah, Cobb because they cobble together 12 ingredients to make the salad...

Mr. Diamond at Crespi: i became a high school Spanish teacher so i wouldn't have any money for Dustin Diamond to steal!!! as long as i could keep an eye on ol' shifty Dusty, as long as he was a yardstick away from me playing that Rygar cabinet at the arcade, i felt safe.

Muhammad Ali: i'm a Mainer?

Brett Somers: isn't he the cutest thing. sure, we call you Barnesy Ali.

Sonny Liston: that whole iconic black-and-white photograph of you in all your virile masculine lion glory was a show, a setup by the mob.

Muhammad: and you should know, Son. of course it was, everyone poses for a picture...

 

the parson gets to the grey castle over the one bridge above the moat.

parson: imagine there were two bridges...

inside the castle is the first secret Masonic university. the parson breaks a few castlestones over this head to gain entrance to the wood trapdoor and undoes the heavy pewter lock from the inside using his elbow.

parson: the first elbow grease.

there's a grimoire open on a carved book stand.

parson: the cover of this book says VILLAGE CIVICS. but this book is just the King James Bible!!!

he flips to the end page.

parson: i hate spoilering like this but i have not time. 23 years. here we go it says: he who holds the silver holds the key to the village.

parson: does the blacksmith fashion the key out of misbegotten silver from France? silver is more valuable than gold, silver is foreign. 

the parson notices a blank long scroll in the corner of the old dusty room. he closes his eyes and imagines writing on the scroll. he opens his eyes to witness the writing on the scroll saying: everyone in the world will get their news from CNN, it will be the subconscious default source of news for the world.

parson: i'm still a wizard!!!

THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: THE PARSON'S PICKLE

 

in this Medieval village, as in all Medieval villages, the priest holds the power, he's the one who makes the civic decisions on where the village is going.

village priest: because i determine where all my denizens will end up after death.

on this morrow a parson skips into town pretending to be a horse.

parson: i'm not here to collect tax. first thing i notice is the blacksmith of this village gets all the women!!! it's like he has a thrall over them.

the parson sneaks in the mousehole in the blacksmith's shoppe to catch a glimpse of the blacksmith's people skills.

parson: he's just shaping metal with his churning hammer, sparks flying everywhere. the sparks of romance, ah.

James Spader: i should have been a mayor in a Grand Theft Auto game...

Match Game: all the '70s contestants had the hobby of waterskiing. 

California: nobody has hobbies anymore...

the village archbishop: it was only betting on a high school boys' basketball tournament, i'm a bishop, it coulda been worse!!!

Gollum: the new diamond-art Animal Farm movie features a Cybertruck.........getting destroyed in a symbolic way, don't worry.

LeVar Burton in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Reading Rainbow episode: the editor is the actual person who makes the show. not the writers, not the director.

Patrick Stewart: why must we do each scene 13 times?!!! why is there a string above my bald head? i'm going back to the theatre, where it's ONE TAKE!!!

gaslighting: on gas prices.

Regular Show: The Lost Tapes: if you're a slacker, the best thing you can do is find another slacker to be your best friend.

Melissa Maker: we're flying you out to Toronto for the audition.

me: i'm finally becoming an actor?!!!

Melissa: to see if you have what it takes to be a stepdad to my daughter. 

Jen R: he thought he was gonna be on Degrassi.

Melissa: you're more Puppets Who Kill material. i'm dating Kawhi and he tells me the Raptor rims are rubbed with maple-bacon grease.

me: i'm getting rimmed by Melissa Maker?

Kawhi Leonard: Melissa and i are quiet Canadians...

Marathon Man.

Dustin Hoffman: we finally got mugged in New York City.

Marthe Keller: are you okay, babe? that is, are you okay, Babe?

John Schlesinger: notice how i made New York City a dingy small town...

Paris Hilton: let's just give "Stars Are Blind" to Gwen Stefani, it's weird otherwise.

Alaska Airlines: who is that mysterious Inuk man on our planes? he is Inuk-matic, enigmatic.

women: all women can agree that the only video game we like is Mario Kart...

Vera: the world would be nicer if George Burns was God.

George Burns: look at my face. see? you don't have to fear death anymore...

Janel Parrish: HBO Miranda Cosgrove...

Herb Ritts: not herb roots. i prefer the Triscuit but i'm one of a handful who think Cecily Strong is ugly. let Alan Cumming play me. i wa just about to photograph for "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco. i prefer a buddy burrito. 

Keith Haring: are we brothers?...

Anna Wintour: think of fashion as a Rembrandt. i got into this business to make Roger Federer a male model, that is all.

Jesus: i mean i went to 13 different courts, 13 different judges, and they all found me not guilty!!!

parson: how do you do it?

blacksmith: it's simple geometry, knave. take a look at these scrolls freshly inked by the monks here.

parson: that's a LONG-ASS scroll. does it have the obsolete Roman Mass on it?

blacksmith: no, as you can see it's a picture of my penis. the monks are great drawers of dicks.

parson: i love the colors they used on your little man. what's my size?

blacksmith: well you can plainly see yourself depicted in the corner there. with your pickle.

parson: that's how small i am? and i came to town to put a tax on pickles.

the parson realized he had to make a major life change. and FAST because the average lifespan around here was 23.

parson: i better be a farmer from now on, i can blend in more easily here. slip out if the village turns on me. i need to grow pickles and grow my pickle.

the blacksmith in the other hovel not eavesdropping: yeah, i better change career paths, too. the real power is in the mayorship. must i slay the priest to be the priest? that seems precarious for my eternal soul.

Ric Flair with a Dutch Boy haircut: ...

Ric Flair: there's plenty of nature around here, the woods are still plentiful...

the parson notices the blacksmith having another late-night soiree with the maidens who are not waiting to enter his lair.

parson: man that guy is always entertaining. that sooty smith hogs all the mead in the village, too!!!

after the party it's up to the parson to clean up. while everyone is on the hay drunk he tiptoes over the cobblestone to the blacksmith's forge, there he discovers all the chastity belts the blacksmith is working on.

parson: it's not about attraction, it's about control. i think i just became a wizard!!!

ERRANDS: BASEBALL ALICE

 

at Encino Little League in the '80s, you are hit with abounding memories. they form a blanket of haze for you to see in. the baseball field is a barn its roof blown off by a mild L.A. storm. Mel from that '80s show Alice is the umpire behind home plate, he puts on that dusty black chest protector and is barefoot in the dust in the tradition of all hulking feral line cooks.

Vic Tayback: no mask, i wear my Popeye hat while counting balls and strikes.

as you go from home plate to the diamond to the outfield, you remember Alice, she was your mom, and her son Tommy was YOU. every time Linda Lavin spoke that was your mom's life lesson, her weekly wisdom to you.

Flo Castleberry: Flo plays shortstop!!! so i get the front-row-seat view of the players' butts. 

Jen R: remember that whole Flo storyline? we were toddlers but we got fragments, visions.

Flo: everybody in America remembers when i LEFT Mel's Diner, THAT episode, we all cried collectively as a united nation.  

as you get sunflower seeds from a gumball machine in the parents' parking lot on the other side of the farm by turning a quarter, you remember Vera.

me: Vera is ME. she's sensitive, loves old black-and-white movies, and is NAIVE, she wants the world to be kind but it's not and she can't take that.

Jen: she cries often when everything seems wrong.

Vera: i sleep in the bed from the "Princess and the Pea" episode of that Shelley Duvall anthology. i was the first representation on network TV of a woman who was deeply mentally ill. which just means i had a vast imagination, i was always happy. don't put me near that bottle of pills that are meant to help my depression. i thought the people on soap operas were real, don't we all? that's just good writing.

Leonardo diCaprio: i'm actually looking for a woman my mother's age. because all boys want to marry their mother.

Timothee Chalamet: i'm Leonardo diCaprio during his young-brat days.

a shaved Clark Gable in Red Dust: i'm Uncle Jesse from Full House but like WAY less nice.

Jean Harlow: you're not positive like John Stamos at all!!!

Bob Belcher: i don't care, i want Clark Gable playing me in the live-action movie...

The Howling: before this movie, werewolves were big neutered asexual dogs. 

Bob Barker: not the romantic wild beasts in Nature they were destined to be. all creatures want to fuck Linda Hamilton.

dad: ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: all robots, too.

Jesus turning over the money changers at the Temple: wow, i've never been this angry in my life. well one time when dad wouldn't let me take the car to prom. BUT to show you what i'm made of i will be the first man EVER to go to anger management...

Ray J: my body count is 12,500. now i haven't actually slept with 12,500 women, there aren't that many women in the world. and who's got time for 12,500 women?!!! better to sleep with your soulmate 12,500 times. 

Kim Kardashian: you said i was your first!!!

Billy Corgan: all my slow songs are lullabies...

The Howling: oh my god!!! Elliott's mom turned into Chewbacca!!!

Fred: remember when i ruled YouTube? then i casually mentioned i was gay and was never heard from again...

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: the story of a bird named Jonathan Livingston Seagull...

Michelangelo on a small wooden plank on his back painting the Sistine Chapel: this wooden plank will be the first '70s long skateboard...

Leslie Sbrocco: know how you know your restaurant food is good? you're DANCING as you eat it...

Charles and Camilla at a Virginia block party.

Charles: random.

Camilla: we don't have block parties in England, dahlin, only on Coronation Street.

Charles: Virginia, if we hadn't let that Colony go none of this would have happened. 

Camilla: is the coconut oil for our sex later, dahlin?

Charles: that's what movie-theatre popcorn butter is over here, dahlin: coconut oil. the only movie i've ever seen is The King's Speech.

Paolo Banchero: black Lucio Rossi...

Trent Reznor singing "Physical": i would do all of these things!!! that would be better than sex!!!

Trent: of course the irony being all of these things are NOT sex...

Linda Lavin: you remember Alice Hyatt. who stayed at a cheap motel, not the Hyatt. you remember those ladies in pink waitress uniforms, they were your first ladies, your first memory of TV was the show Alice. now get the Washing of the Feet ready, my son.

i put my mom's feet in a grey apple-bobbing trough and fill it gently with a waterfall of warm water from our stove kettle.

Linda: good boy, Tommy. omg my fucking toes just orgasmed!!! it's like sex that relieves, not for pleasure, you know? got any of those little orange sponges you put in between toes? anything for dinner? i've been on my feet all day.

Tommy opens the white refrigerator which has a handle that looks like a silver hand plane.

Tommy: liver sandwich in saran wrap, no onions, wedge of holey orange cheese in white butcher's paper, milk from a purple carton...

Jen: help me move this GIANT '70s vacuum...

me: i'll get the other end. this vacuum is a computer!!!

Linda Lavin: there is nothing more depressing than a mother who has to bury her son.

Philip McKeon: ...

Linda Lavin singing softly: bom bom bom bom bom bom.

ERRANDS: EYES UP

 

Jen R is driving the ladies in her Brady Bunch stationwagon to the Washed Out concert in Duluth.

Jen: ladies, this is phenomenal. when was the last time you were in a carpool?

Liza: school? 

Jackie Fitzgerald, Liza's sister: like 5th Grade?

Judith Light with white hair, Liza and Jackie's mother: maybe freshman-year high school?

Jen: exactly. the '70s. Jimmy Carter wanted everyone to carpool to stave off the energy crisis. 

Jen R: and now we're in a concert carpool. 

Liza: like a quad squad of teenyboppers.

Jackie: faster down the freeway, i'm thinking about Walker, i like the rumbling!!!

Jen: i hope my husband plays "Rain Arp."

Judith: you're lucky you get to bonk the singer. a drummer ripped my bodice off once at The Bowery but, well, nevermind. led to a large court case.

in the middle of "Pigments," Washed Out through tiny purple spotlights asks a redfaced Jen up on stage and the two dance for two seconds.

Jen: it was more purplefaced.

the crowd, the 11 who are there at the intimate private concert in a white warehouse, goes wild as much as they can.

on the drive home Judith Light is puzzled and she's not acting.

Judith Light: what was that?

Jen: Vaporwave.

Judith: so that was music? girls, make a sharp left turn to Sears, i got mama wisdom-dust to sprinkle in your cooches.

Stephen A. Smith: wait, i make 10 times more than a person who PLAYS in the NBA for just TALKING about the NBA?...

Florida in 10 years: football, boxing, and pro wrestling on a barge in a swamp...

Doug Robinson climbing Yosemite: i'm Ernest Hemingway if he was a Muppet.

Jane Goodall: stop using my hand-caressing-the-cheek-of-my-face pose, you're not as environmentalist as me!!!

Norah Jones walks on stage to her VH1 Unplugged concert in a barn's bookstore, not a Barnes bookstore.

Norah Jones: this is just my normal music.

B movie: it doesn't have to be a horror movie...

'70s percolator: had that glass dome on top that looked like the bubble from Trouble.

pop-o-matic: not a drug deal...

Jimmy Carter: why did it have to be Trump for the 250th? it just ruins it. it was cool when i was there for the Bicentennial, we had Allman Brothers and Fannie Flagg FINALLY showed her tits to America!!!

Kurt Cobain: life is a mystery.

Aubrey Plaza: oh shut up.

Robert Plant: i'm the only one who remembered that California will HAUNT you...

Natalie Merchant in the "Carnival" music video: i was disappointed having to photograph the 25-cents peep show...

Bill Nye: we gotta get back to the days of Pangaea if we're gonna save Earth...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: time travel is IMPOSSIBLE. that being said, Back to the Future has no plot holes!!!

Phil Jackson: if Jonathan Frakes did basketball.

Sphinx the cat: when it's a full moon and i'm going through my 4AM zoomies, i sound like a tiny galloping horse...

Gimme a Break: when you do a deep-dive into these episodes, the more you watch them, the more the morbs creep in...

Andy Gibb with a cake: ...

Nell Carter with a sexy full-body heave: i did Godspell, right?...

Bryan Cranston: it's so nice to veg out and play the dad from Malcolm in the Middle again. all that drug stuff fried my brain and warped my empathy. Hal Wilkerson? am i on drugs now?...

at the Sears the ladies are still floating off their concert high with small shrubs of light-green cotton candy.

Judith Light: remember in the '80s when you were watching Who's the Boss and your family drove to Sears in your wood stationwagon to take the family portrait? smiling was the thing back then, the July elf told you to smile, but the elf was all wrong: raise your eyes UP when you take a pic, that's the best posture. you look holy when your eyes are looking up like that, it looks like you're looking at an angel's butthole.

Judith uses the last of the saliva in her wrinkly old beautiful mouth and the last of her strength in her svelte pantsuit arms to seal the envelope on the Santa's Workshop desk which is Norm Abram's giant hand-plane in the summer.

Judith Light: there, i'm sending this photograph of me with my eyes looking up to Washed Out in the mail, he's gonna love it.