A GUN IN CARMEL: BLACK LACQUER MIRROR DOOR

 

Liza is at pickleball, ready.

Liza: if Clint Eastwood shows up here again waving his gun at my short shorts, we'll be ready for him. see that entrance there to the park facility?

me: there's no door, it's just a hole.

Liza: certainly. i'm having it fitted with one of those black lacquer mirror doors.

me: oh yeah, those things are cool. as the front door of a brownstone stoop, you look right at the door and all you see are the trees from the neighborhood street opposite.

Neil Gaiman: or, put simplest, a portal.

Liza: he HATES that kind of door!!! he's gonna MELT when he sees it. BUT i need you to do something for me.

Liza empties out her short-shorts pockets, which is hard to do.

Liza: see? no dinero. do you have a couple of bucks?

me: how much do doors go for these days?

Liza: this is the most expensive door. you're gonna have to go to the ATM...

me: but the ATM in Carmel is so fucking scary. it'a a GHOST CORRIDOR that stretches long into the night even in day, there's never anybody there.

Liza: and when there are people there nobody ever knows how to form a line.

Geoff Tate: "Hear in the Now Frontier," it's hear in the now front ear. that's why the weird ears in jars on the cover.

Billy Corgan in the Zwan van:  rock is not about lobster.

The B-52s: ...

Franchaela: NOW you watch Bridgerton.

Jodie Whittaker: not necessarily...

at the ATM, there's a dark ghost on the other side of the long corridor.........it's Jen with her live black emails...

Jen R: i'm the only one looking out for you!!! what are you doing?

me: getting cash to buy a door.

Jen: that was my second guess. this place is unnerving. there is nothing more haunting than an ATM when no one's there. 

me: an abandoned ATM. even an ATM with the neon light glow framing it on an overcast Saturday morning, cool like TRON but i'm scared of lazer guns coming out of the bank's roof and shooting me. 

Jen: it's like you're begging to get mugged at this spot. you're such an open target here, the ATM is on a long concrete corridor that overlooks the highway!!!   

me: are you burping?

Jen: when women burp it's cute, when men burp it's belching.

a trip overseas to a foreign country: there won't necessarily be dates...

Melissa Maker: i really am learning the right sport, the pro golfers make obscene amounts of money hitting a small ball into a bedsheet.

Banksy: great, i gotta move to Antarctica now. all the important art will now be stenciled on Antarctic glaciers.

cop movie in the '80s: the meeting with the boss is on the 30th story at night...

me: what's your favorite dip?

Melissa Maker: tobacco.

Liza: we were thinking chip-party dip...

halfway house: a hospital where there are no doctors or nurses around, just beds...

AC/DC: no matter how hard you try, you will never like this band.

Boney: you could have gone down the Gods Must Be Crazy route and made the aborigine a global star, but you fucked it up.

Solaray: because there are so many things you've never heard of that were established in 1948...

Bart Braverman in Godspell: i didn't know you had to be this HAMMY to follow Jesus.

Debralee Scott: i never thought of the Good Samaritan being a woman before...

Geoff Tate: you better not do a "Disconnected" song!!!

Billy Corgan: "Disconnected by your Smile"?

Geoff: "Joker Smile."

Billy: but we already have a Batman song. *heavy huff* fine. but am i cool like you?

Geoff: yes but the Smashing Pumpkins aren't metal.

Billy: they should have called them aeroplanes from the start, it's cooler. imagine an astronaut in the air...

Ethos: the commercials are about life insurance but they're really about how death is so brutal and unexpected that it'll rob you of that scholarship, no college for you...

Clint Eastwood steps out of his office at the pickleball club in a huff.

Clint Eastwood: this is my.........*puff* gun.........my.........*huff*

Clint wiping his squinty brow: wait is that a black lacquer mirror door? 

Liza: yes.

Clint in a tantrum: i HATE those doors!!! it looks like 10 Downing Street, i hate anything that's Britain or France!!!

after taking one last stare at the black lacquer mirror door Clint slumps back like a sack of potatoes as if he's been shot, falls, and drops dead.

Clint: i finally realized i was 100 years old.

Liza: okay who's on first i mean on court first for doubles this morning?

Hugh Grant raises his hand. after the bush clears it's revealed that Emma Thompson was raising Hugh's hand.

Emma Thompson in a green visor: Hugh's legally changing his name to Lorraine today.

Hugh in a pink visor: why do you put up with a woman?

me: it just isn't the same unless Liza breaks my $100s.

Liza smiles her chipmunk tooth and starts to sing like Alvin.

Liza: that leaves you and me as their opponents.

Liza hits me in the small of my back with the pickleball.

Liza: we broke the touch barrier just then...

A GUN IN CARMEL: THIRSTER

 

as i'm crossing the street Liza hits the small of my back with her Mazda.

Liza: we broke the touch barrier just then.

me: i can't win.

Liza: no you cannot. i saw you come out of that house, it's over, i know where you live, literally, you can't hide from me.

me: wanna fuck?

Liza: a woman makes love.

me: i've been stranger in a strange land here for so long, YOU will finally make my bed a home.

we're naked on my bed by the window overlooking the highway.

me: i've never been naked in this bed before. what position?

Liza with a pleasant small smile showing her chipmunk tooth: cowgirl of course. see? cowgirl's making a comeback!!! it's nice, huh. i'm of the theory that no matter how small a woman's tits are a man should try to titty-fuck them out of courtesy.

me: i wasn't expecting this.

Liza: i know, i moan like an old woman.

afterwards on the bed we philosophize over Thirsters.

me: this bed is yours now.

Liza: i only drink Thirster cups now. 

me: but how does yours stay so icy? i have to keep a spoon in my pocket because i can't drink the ice. 

Liza: and you can't wait for it to turn to liquid or it's ruined. my mouth keeps everything frosty.

me: i noticed when you kissed me.

Liza: that's how i keep the produce cold without a mister.

me: i finally have a lover who's my guide.

Liza: you must differentiate between the short shot of sex and the longer demand of love.

Jen R: and in turn, family. there can be no family without love...

Ricky Gervais: get lost, mate, there's a city in Oregon named after me? at least it's not Portland.

Suzy Lu: now that Zeno can just zap you into nothingness, what is the nature of my existence? i never thought of what comes after but i'm getting older. i never thought of such things but then my tooth, back, and eye started to hurt. i better become a priestess before it's too late...

The Most Interesting Man in the World: the most interesting thing about me is i'm 150 years old...

at The Forge in the Forest.

Clint Eastwood: look at my gun!!! i'll shoot!!!

Liza: i came here to dine, man, not to die.

Clint: turn off that Jennifer Beals music!!!

Liza: on my walkman? why?

Clint: the '80s were a slow decade for me.

Liza: look man, i only came here for the ambiance. the woody ambiance. we're celebrating Leslie Sbrocco battling cancer and winning.

Leslie Sbrocco: i put the can in cancer. my cancer battle was like, picture me with black hair...

Clint: no cancan dancers!!! anything associated with France makes me chuck.

Leslie: one day there will be no restaurants...

Sarah Connor: never go to a motel were the rooms are separate island units the size of broom closets...

Godspell: you can't seduce Jesus...

Mary Magdalene: tell me about it, honey.

Bart Braverman: wait, why can't you serve two masters? just love two people...

Holly from The Price Is Right: you are BLOWN AWAY by my diction. i speak so well i made your eyes blind.

Iran: we will not stop until we make Gavin Newsom your President!!!

Anthony Kiedis: let's collab, i wanna hear you rap.

Eddie Vedder: Pearl Jam/Red Hot Chili Peppers collab song? Temple of the Cat? but i'm attending Harvard in the fall.

Anthony: Eddie Vedder hair in a ponytail wearing glasses and a plaid sweater vest...

Al Davis: remember when the NFL had 12 games?...

the Burger King mascot: might have helped if i talked. did i sound like Kevin Spacey?

Jordan Peele: people have completely forgotten about me...

Cecily Strong: people have completely forgotten about me...

Danny Bonaduce: people have completely forgotten about me...

Brooke Trantor: i have a particular sex appeal, i wear cheetah-print panties, but they're cheetah-print granny panties...

hot and windy: the worst weather.

bike polo: try it on grass...

Pegasus from Sailor Moon: are all unicorns albinos? no, i have orange eyes...

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: live-action Sealab 2021...

but it's been three weeks without Liza at Safeway and i'm getting worried. on a typical Monday morn i make my way up the sagebrush hill, make the trek to her station and the conveyor belt is COVERED with a long line of 1000 bags of potato chips going past.

i hear a sweet voice in the wilderness: "am i invited to your chip party?"

the man is silent. Liza's face appears soft in the middle of the chip mountain, her chipmunk tooth and steady soul-snatching amber eyes nerving me.

Liza: fret not, you know i disappear for three weeks and nobody knows where i am. especially my employer Safeway, that's the way i like it. 

me: Clint? i heard he shot you dead in a restaurant.

Jen: like one of his bad '70s movies.

Liza, her face framed in a swirl of lioness mane: i got a plan if he shows up at pickleball again. which he will because he's the property owner.

A GUN IN CARMEL: YOU GOTTA DO PICKLEBALL NOW

 

"how are you?" i hear from Liza while in line at Safeway.

me: i swallow my mustache every time i eat but other than that i'm okay. can you kiss me?

Liza: rather unusual for a checker to kiss a customer out of the blue but i'll do it not because it's your birthday but because i want to see how hairy your mouth is.

me: how do i subtly ask if you're single?

Liza: brushing up on wikiHow now? well you don't see a ring on my finger but that doesn't mean anything. you know i never catch the action around here, yesterday on my day off an old man died under the produce mister. 

me: what's on sale this morning?

Liza: you know you really should join me for pickleball.

me: but i hate pickleball.........until recently.

Liza: it's crazy, Clint Eastwood comes out wagging his gun at our girl group threatening to shoot us if we don't simmer down!!!

me: elaborate, my life is never this exciting.

Liza pokes me in the small of my back with her gunfinger.

Liza: see? i like you, kid, you can take a hit. we broke the touch barrier just then. i could go for you. you're young enough to be my son but you'd like that. you like mommies, right?

me: you're going too fast for me, i must be an old man now.

Liza: you should see me in my silver wetsuit on that pickleball court, i look CUTE.

me: i imagined that and my brain locked.

Liza: Clint gets ornery at us gal pals having a good time, he said we're too LOUD in our hollering celebrations. old man forgot to have fun in his life and now is jealous he can't get us anymore.

me: hoot more i say, Clint's time is over.  

at the next session at the local Carmel chapter of pickleball.

Clint Eastwood: *grizzly* pipe down or i'll shoot!!!

Liza: do you see a lawn here? the green is the court. i'd say check your eyes, old man, but you have no eyes. your eyes are dust!!! that was your secret, that's how you made your famous Clint Eastwood severe-eyes look. 

Clint: have you no respect for others?

Liza: pickleball players have a code: there's no respect, we're all trying to win!!!

Oahu: it's Hawaii, there's ALWAYS a flash-flood emergency...

dry dining: eating at a restaurant without ordering cocktails.

Leslie Sbrocco: eating a dry tasteless meal at a restaurant...

Chuck Norris: i'm in a dragon rotunda with Bruce Lee and Death ready to throw down. what? i gotta make it to 100, right?...

Jesse Palmer: it's better that The Bachelorette was canceled. now people will have time to listen to Bjork. Bjork's Mormon, right? and i can get back to doing.........what is it i do again? play football? was i in Kids in the Hall?

nerd asking out a cheerleader: you can't go out with me because your mother says you're too young to date? THAT's the reason?...

Neil Hope: i would have rather played Claude and lived in real life than played Wheels the cool guy with a crappy real life...

i've taken to my bed: not for sex, i have dysentery.

at mall karate the next sunrise, sensei Mordecai is leading his dojo in tribute. 

Mordecai: moment of silence for Chuck. Chuck Norris would always tell me he was the American Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee: but i was more American than Chuck Norris...

the karate kids do a HI-YAH!!! and break three boards with their chop-hand. 

then Chuck Norris comes out and wrestles a bear.

Lani O'Grady: i played Brett Somers in the Lifetime movie...

at the JD Vance rally: no they're saying you need to use Pepsodent...

Debralee Scott: why are we inside the ballroom photograph in The Shining?

Jonathan Frakes: beam me up, Scott.

Chuck Norris: is this the audition to become a Klingon?

Godspell: now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum...

college: remember, it's a "college career."

Chuck Norris: i punched a cloud in frustration over being dead and all the water came out, sorry, Hawaii.

Go Ask Alice: it was still the '70s, still wholesome, so FINK was in black graffiti on the locker, not FUCK. the '70s, the last time there was a rap session under elm trees at a muni park on a Saturday morning with teens wearing blue and beige coats...

Brighton & Albion: we haven't been the same since Jonathan Livingston Seagull died...

Banksy: you can't put a price on art...

Basquiat: you were my audience that wasn't born yet, Banksy!!!

Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris painted Death, Death died.

Trent Reznor: the end of "Ringfinger" is a fly buzzing...

Dash: really only goes on salmon...

a bank in the 1930s: for some reason we needed our own building of 100 floors. we were like a Macy's but not fun. 

King Kong: the most famous Pre-Code movie of all time...

Bad Bunny: at least i got rid of that annoying reggaeton. you're welcome, world.

me: maniac.

Liza: Clint can't stomach little spunky women like me.

Mary Ann: short is cute if you have a mane of lioness hair.

me: i hear a delivery truck. peculiar, DoorDash dropping off food at a Safeway?

Liza: yeah that brown bag is my Burger King.

me: i see, you roped me into our first-date food.

Jen R: i found the new Whopper milder, less mealy. less disgusting than before.

Liza: this new Whopper tastes like In N Out Burger, that's the sign i was waiting for, it means we should be together. 

SEATTLE'S BEST: COLOROUS

 

Jackie: you're fucking my daughter, too?!!!

Walker hands up: it's not what you think, i love you both!!!

Jackie: *HEAVY SIGH* i suppose that's one way to be a mentor. but you really gotta help her along her lifepath, you know? aid her in her career.

Walker: i am but she's smarter than me.

Jackie: along with me, please?

Walker: i'm sorry, i know, this is really bad stepdad porn.

Jackie: my tongue is the ping-pong paddle and your balls are two ping-pong balls.

Kourtney: MOM!!! you're embarrassing me!!!

Jackie: oh sorry. firstly i didn't know you were in the room.

Kourtney: it's a small dressing room.

Jackie: and second i didn't know i wasn't a sexy woman anymore.

Walker: you're a mom. i fell in love with the mom in you.

Kourtney and Jackie hug and high-five.

Kourtney: i'm sorry too, mom.

Jackie: i get it, daughter. he has that helpless pet-lizard look to his eyes.

improv: the Rotoscope of writing.

Rachel Reid: hockey romance wasn't a thing...

Mothra: she didn't live long enough to prove she was a good mother...

Seiya: i'm a pitcher who comes in in minor relief for the Chicago Cubs. my arm surgery was minor...

conceit: not a concept, a conceit.

Will Shakespeare: ...

Will Shakespeare: no i will not. i shall :)

LUSH: our bath bombs are now Quidditch snitches...

Go Ask Alice: what happened to the music?.........i mean that in a general sense. what happened to society in the '70s? what happened to the Hippie Movement? all we kept were the bellbottoms...

Nirvanna the Band - the Show - the Movie: Nirvana in New York? Nirvana on Broadway?.........oh...

collapsed lung: doctors are operating under the assumption that it's mild and won't require an operation...

me: can i tell you my shuffleboard monologue now?

Jen R: *looks around* i'm the only one here, Dr. Robbins took an early lunch and left for the weekend.

me: so i was OBSESSED with shuffleboard, for one week. we went on a Disneyland Cruise when i was 8. it was shuffleboard for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in those days. those discs, those brooms!!! yeah. i hung out of the side of that deck all week. then the cruise ended and so did the sport of shuffleboard.

Jen: speaking of, what should you give up for Lent? i'm giving up anchovies on my pizza...

Patrick Lavender: which reminds me, when that cute pizza boy came around yesterafternoon, i tipped him with a $2 bill with Trump's face on it.

pizza boy: yeah that wasn't funny, i don't actually do porn, pizza is my pay. was that a gag gift or was that real money?

Trump: you really don't want me telling you what i know about how money gets made...

Sphinx the cat: lower the drape, man, just because i'm from Egypt doesn't mean i appreciate 100-degree weather!!!

Kurt Cobain: Nirvana was The Beatles as sung by The Chipmunks.

Billy Corgan: did you used to say "corn on the cop" as a paranoid kid? you thought the police were chasing you under your bed, after you all the time, out to get you at school. that's weird.

Kurt: Billy, you're the whitest guy i know.

dating profile: everyone enjoys mountain biking at sunset...

Jun Yoruname: Jun Yourname. flooshed means when you don't flush the toilet after pooing, you dance instead.

Aaron Judge: i need a good zhuzh, if i'm gonna be Derek Jeter now, i need to get more handsome...

Basquiat (1996): why didn't Courtney Love play Madonna?...

Amy Sherald: i'm a shero.

Bill Clinton, weak now with age, shakily holds a pen as he reaches for the paper.

Bill Clinton: what do i have to sign? i'm still President.

Hillary Clinton: I'M President, Bill!!! the county was saved because of me. 

Bill: there's no ink in the pen...

Bill: is Lacey Chabert really giving up Hallmark movies?

Lacey Chabert: i shoulda been in Call the Midwife...

iRestore: it won't grow hair but you'll look cool like you're in TRON.

Kourtney: okay it's time for me to get my act off the ground.

Jackie: and together.

Kourtney: i'm like done with the forest college i went to, right? all actresses work at the mall. i'm gonna work at Hot Dog on a Stick, i'd look so CUTE in that uniform!!! white, red, and blue, get it? and mustard yellow, huh huh?

Walker: okay but be careful, i heard Roger Federer was a real grouch when he worked there.

at Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Kourtney: you still work here?

Roger Federer in a Hot Dog on a Stick tall hat: tell Carly Severn there was a hair in every lemonade cup she made!!! you don't wanna be working here, toots. you have the perfect colors for work somewhere else i know well.

the next day Kourtney is working as a Swiss Guard for the Pope.

Roger: see? you already were in the colors!!!

Kourtney: is the Pope nice?

Roger: i know him well, don't worry, he's a cool boss, oh yes he's a pussycat. he tried to touch my racquet rod one time when i was giving him a private lesson at the Vatican but that was a misunderstanding.

Palpatine: wait there was a tennis court in the Vatican the whole time i was there?

Rafa Nadal: the Vatican court is clay!!!

Djokovic in Swiss Guard garb: ready for the Tournament of Friendship?

Roger: The Pope watches you as you sleep but that's only because he's bored.