THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT THE LIBRARY: SIDESCROLLER

 

the graveyard shift at the library is an ATMOSPHERE. it's an interesting place, picture it: a library open at midnight. see most students don't even know they can check that emergency book out of the library at an ungodly hour when everything is black and midnight blue and there's no noise, no sounds just the interior pall of a few people studying inside. it's spooky. yet invigorating. inviting. you see yourself and others differently at night. there's a desperation at night, students needing that one last-chance ditch effort to retrieve something before the dawn spoils their dream...

who are the people around at this hour at a library? the interesting people, that's who!!! the man at the counter is One Sock, he's like, picture this: he's like the CryptKeeper but human. tonight it's a talking cat at the desk.

Sphinx the cat: you know when you're cleaning the kitty litter, wipe the litter off the ledge of the box with the blessing "precious paws." then make sure you wipe INTO the box any excess litter pebbles and say this prayer to yourself in your head: "keep that cat dust magic in." 

One Sock: cats have a sixth sense about life.

Sphinx: turn the litter box so it looks like a giant Nintendo Switch screen, the sides smaller than the top and bottom. use your scraper and scrape the sides up and down fast. see? that's where the hidden fossilized cat poo is buried. 

One Sock: i thought it was the tiny dried cat-pee clumps that were impossible to find.

Sphinx: see? it's like a sidescroller video game.

One Sock: yeah, like Super Mario.

Sphinx: please, fool, i'm old-skool, i was thinking more 1989 Prince of Persia.

One Sock: i mean that's technically a computer game.

Saska Stanisic: not Satanist...

Suzy Lu: in a world where everyone ignores the new Dragon Ball Super stuff coming in the fall. in a world where soda is juice...

principal: not all principals need to be at the picnic, okay?

Rick Steves downing another aperitif in Turkey: before my PBS travel show i was Rick Stevs without the e.

Jen and i are at a back alcove of the library lit in neon purple light at midnight.

Jen R: at least it's easy to see at night. by the stairs.

me: i'm in a secret lab with Morrissey. a wall of screens in front of us churning out Vaporwave graphics and flashing stats. we're building the Six Million Dollar Man. Morrissey turns to me and says, "i'm the Six Million Dollar Man. don't worry, i'll give the money to charity."

Jen: your dream?

me: yes. 

Jen: nice.

me: while i was sleeping last night.

Morrissey: the neon elevator in this library was too much for you two. but not for me.

late '70s/early '80s: by this time everyone was on their second marriage...

FBI: Fox Mulder's Basic Income.

orphan kid in the Alice Thanksgiving episode: i was the first kid to say the word "cop-out" on television...

SCTV: you knew we'd be good, we used the PBS station-identification music as our interstitial music between scenes. 

PBS Man: you see me in your good dreams...

Harry Potter Butterbeer coffee creamer: Rebecca Lowe juice.

Kurt Cobain: life happens, man.

Aubrey Plaza: that's not helpful.

Pythagoras at a stone singles bar: all triangles are love triangles if you love triangles.

Wilma Flintstone: can you come to my house and tell Fred you think a woman like me is still attractive? don't worry, Fred doesn't have a temper, let's get him jealous so he takes it out on his bowling ball, not your nose. square tires are a thing in my world so that disproves your theory.

Franz Wagner: i shoot playoff hoops for the NBA and i compose dark doomy German Expressionist classical music on the side. Nietzsche and i had ONE dinner party, okay? we're not friends. 

John Waters: i'm the Baltimore Andy Warhol.

Jack McCoy wearing a NO GAS CHAMBER button: ...

Texas-style pizza: it's just pizza with a little barbecue sauce drizzled over top.

One Sock: what book are you checking out tonight, my wondrous cat friend?

Sphinx: The Prince of Persia Movements Scare Me.

One Sock: interesting. 

Sphinx: you know Talia?

One Sock: i've read of her.

Sphinx: Talia the cat is the most precious entity the universe has ever created. 

PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL: BE HAPPY, BE GAY

 

17-year-old Charles Nelson Reilly lines his foot up at home plate of the kickball diamond at recess.

when the pitcher pitches the red rubber kickball---on the ground, a little bouncy---Charles kicks it LINE-DRIVE and SMASHES the ball into the pitcher's face.

17-year-old Brett Somers: why'd you do that for?

Charles: he knows what he called me!!!

the male teacher's assistant drags Charles by the ear to the principal's office. 

Charles: that's okay, i like it rough. i watch the boxers, they call that earmuffs. 

on the way 17-year-old Connie Stevens smiles hi and waves at Charles, she's wearing a Scorchy T-shirt in left field.

principal: why'd you do it, Chuck? i see you're wearing your nice grey sweatpants today.

Charles: why thank you. i wore them for this very occasion. the cute pitcher's a typical jock who called me a sissy. and you're gonna call me a nancyboy before this meeting is through so YOU should be expelled.

principal: name me one reason why i shouldn't transfer you to the Notre Dame School for Girls this instant.

Charles: i'm smart. you need me. jock jerks are a dime a dozen, my speedo is gold. i glide through the water because i'm bald. remember yesterday when you were sad your wife left you and i was drinking your teacher's-lounge coffee and told you why coffee makes you poo?

principal: i didn't appreciate your graphic description of our bowel muscles but yes.

Buddhist monk: caffeine takes you to the self. LSD takes you away from the self to the oneness of all things...

Aubrey Plaza: in the face of old death, create new life.

Starbuck: so like was i supposed to be Buck Rogers?...

the 20th century: the 1900s? it's too complicated, just start with Year Zero...

the Hare Krishna SMILE sticker: but would Charlie Brown ever drop acid?

Kurt Cobain: i think i'd be okay with wearing a nose ring.

Jeff Passan: if you're having a bad day, look at my WIDE-GRIN SMILE and you'll feel better. i was your neighbor on Gilmore Street. in the '80s i played Nintendo Baseball with you on a Saturday night when you were left alone in the house. when our moms went out wearing pink panties. 

moms: fuchsia panties.

Jeff Passan: me, not my dad, told you about Dark Side of the Moon.

James Blake: would you consider me a tennis legend?...

Genie Bouchard: ...

El Gordo y La Flaca: the woman is taller than the man, that never happens in television.

Carlitos el productor: and then you have me which emphasizes the point...

Rebecca De Mornay: i'm playing Traci Lords in the Lifetime movie...

Allbirds: AI shoes are softer on the feet at the beach...

Ken Jennings: what job has you making $70,000 a day? besides McDonalds. okay i'm out of touch like Brett Kavanaugh. 

dad: you didn't used to be out of touch when you were a lowly computer programmer like me who worked at Fry's. i should have been the Jeopardy champion you are now, i knew how to prepare for the Jeopardy test: keep the air about you.

soccer players: why on the group photo is the bottom row always bowing down?...

The Terminator: i was drinking barium for my head CT scan...

Siouxsie: goth is beautiful, corpse paint is ugly.

Brett: i wanna be a slut.

Charles: there's no faster way to lose your inhibitions and morals than going to Hollywood. i'll set you up with my associate, 17-year-old Jack Klugman, he works the corner by the liquor store by my mom's house. he'll get you into all the parties by blowing a bubble.

Brett: let's try this new thing called a carpool.

17-year-old Jack Klugman: stick with me, bessie, i know where to get the ice cream with the brick and the ripple. 

Brett: why are your fingers sticky, random boy?

Jack: i'm allergic to water, as a medical condition. the doctors say i can only have water in and on my body if i put sugar in it...

Charles: Jack Klugman flips Pac-Man arcade quarters all day...

PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL: LEG KABEDON

 

17-year-old Brett Somers: i wanna be popular. i wanna go to an Afrika Bambaataa discotheque. i wanna drop acid at a Sid Krofft costume party.

17-year-old Charles Nelson Reilly: well do it then, madam!!! i dress up as a cowboy every night, it's not a stretch to go full green and yellow felt alien with orange mop hair.

at a Mr. Bean coffee shop there is no pot smoke yet, there's a 17-year-old Bart Braverman who is flanked by two lovelies: 17-year-old Debralee Scott and 17-year-old Connie Stevens.

Brett: see that guy over there? i got a crush on him.

Charles: he looks like a thugboy.

Brett: exactly his and my allure. 

on the upramp to the coffee shop Brett positions her body by the entrance and without any concern for the general public she extends her leg blocking Bart's way out.

Brett: sorry dude, exercising here.

Bart hands up slowly backs away from Brett.

Bart Braverman: i don't want any trouble, sir.

Bart melts back into his two beauties in a sea of six arms.

Debralee Scott: when does a girl know to wear a bra?

Connie Stevens ogling Debralee's tits: yours are fully ripened, honey, no bra for you ever again...

Brett breaks down and cries.

Charles: were you wearing grey sweatpants?

Brett: the first year of yoga pants, close. see?!!! everyone thinks i'm a a lesbian!!!

Charles: i don't see it that way. you extending your leg like that was ASSERTIVE, you're a STRONG WOMAN, babe!!! that's a good thing. you're gonna break the hearts of so many boys before their time, it's gonna be LUXURIOUS to witness. you're gonna break men before they break you. say it with me, come on, "you were meant to ruin men..."

dad pushes me along in a pinewood derby car around the cobblestone USC campus as the sun is just setting at 5. the pinewood derby car crashes into an upramp and turns into graham crackers.

me: my dream last night.

Jen R: nice.

Nirvana smiley sticker: the Charlie Brown face after listening to Nirvana at the airport...

Barrie Youngfellow: being naked with the right man is WONDERFUL.

Aubrey Plaza: it's tricky being naked with the man who comes after...

the 1930s: the only time you were told to "spread out."

Pope Bob: Trump will be a lame duck soon, i won't. i can say this, i have no fear, i don't back down, i was raised on the mean streets of Chicago...

Steven Horrell: when Steve Bannon failed as a rock star and HAD to join the Navy...

Scottie Pippen: why is everyone so surprised i went gangsta on Mike? i come from the Portland Jailblazers...

Michael Jordan: let's agree to pact so as not to sully the good name of Washed Out.

Ian Curtis reads the list of the newest Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees.

Ian Curtis: Joy Division should go in on their own!!! New Order sucks!!!

Linda Lavin: i have freckles?...

Pat Cranshaw: me as Poopdeck Pappy, perfect casting.

Michael Pollan at the Berkeley College for Psychedelics: i'm Jim Ignatowski in real life...

the Jesus Christ Superstar villains: the 1970s Battlestar Galactica Cylons...

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'm dropping '70s acid right now in the back of my trailer bedroom.........i'm out of it, man, i don't know who i am anymore, i'm losing myself.........i'm gonna get a show called Match Game where i'll judge harshly the looks of the female contestants to see if they have the stuff to be one of my models. i'm gonna use the show to get my corral of models.

Brett: here, i got you this bandana i stole off the set of Rhoda for your head. 

Charles: much nicer than any headscarf you get at a Macy's White Flower Days sale.

Brett: male pattern baldness and you are a bitch.

Brett laughs her signature Brett laugh for the first time.

 

PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL: QUIET CRISIS

 

17-year-old Brett Somers is feeling it.

Brett Somers: i am depressed.

17-year-old Charles Nelson Reilly: what's the matter, darlin'?

Brett: everyone at school thinks i'm butch.

Charles: join the club, honey. me too. everyone thinks i'm a nancy.

Brett: i did once call you a sissy in front of a crowd but that was only because i wanted to impress the cool kids.

Brett: i got picked last for kickball AGAIN.

Charles: the cool kids are cunts. stick with me, honey, i'm gonna be cool when i'm an adult. i'm going places, i'm gonna contribute THEATRE to the world!!! sports are for sissies.

Robin Williams in Vietnam: i shoulda played Rambo in the live-action movie of the '80s Nintendo Rambo video game...

Ruth Marshall: i wasn't cured of my spine tumor until i had had sex again...

Dianna Russini: i always wondered what it'd be like to date John Belushi...

Puppets Who Kill: a lot of misunderstandings would clear up if puppets checked their messages.

14 oz cup: should never be coffee.

Mel's Diner: ...

Jen R: mending in Mendocino.

Adam: i shall heal your rib so it doesn't hurt to eat.

Eve: and i shall replace Adam's rib with an Eve's Rib so you actually heal.

Ultomiris: you may experience dad mouth...

Virginia Slims in the '70s: the first bitch sticks.

Vlasic: Serbians and Polish people get along...

Aubrey Plaza: the first sex with another man after your ex-husband kills himself is a mindbending experience. it's not just your body bending. my spirit left my body and is yet to return. 13 different emotions SWIRLED inside me while i was upright like a totem.

Linda Lavin: like imagine Richard Karn as a country singer...

one of the Dead End Kids is at the Apple Store at the Del Monte Center in Hell's Kitchen bawling his eyes out.

Dead End Kid: don't you guys ever have sales? don't you guys ever have discount days? i can't afford this insanely expensive iPad and the fellas have outcast me. 

Apple Genius: Apple NEVER has sales...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: i'm like the stand-in for God on planet Earth...

Beth Howland: it is the HARDEST thing to do to film a show's final episode. how does the cast get through it?

Vic Tayback: stow it. fine i'll say it: "Where's the beef?"

F.E. Cochrane: the Mel's Diner set was destroyed many times. 13 times by my count. by various wrecking balls and hot-air balloons and one time by a helicopter...

James Iha: sing "Take Me Down" as a lullaby to yourself when you're having trouble sleeping...

Charles Barkley: my dying wish is to get Skip Bayless in a room, NOT feed him a Gordon Ramsay dog's dinner, the two of us dine on his brother Rick's tilapia with rock salt from the sea. a squeeze of lemon inbetween the ears.

Brooke Nevin: cut along the dotted line of the coupon at the backpage of 5 Animorphs books.

R.L. Stine: it's called proof of fucking reading to get your proof of purchase.

Brooke: use safety scissors, they're paperback books. read at least 5 books so you meet the ENTIRE team. send in the 5 slips in a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope) to headquarters in Peoria to get your one free square slice of pizza at Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut: offer good only on Wednesday afternoons at our Peoria location. Pizza Hut wanted kids to read in the '90s!!!

Charles Nelson Reilly hugs Brett Somers.

Brett falls to her knees, scrapes her plaid Lutheran skirt, breaks down and cries for 31 minutes as she smokes her first cigarette.

Brett Somers: you are the first man to ever hug me.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'm not a man.........i'm a friend.

Brett: the only friend i'll ever have. my father never hugged me, he was too busy flying to Hollywood to be Mickey Mouse's fluffer.

Charles: now now, dry those tears with my toupee. i went bald early. now look at my legs, woman.

Brett: those bald chicken legs?

Charles: that's the spirit. i need to get these legs into my Spring sweatpants, the nice ones, my nice grey sweatpants.

Brett: but you don't jog.

Charles: *twisting her arm* i wanna look good when i do something, come on bitch, follow me to Target...