KURT LODER ON THE CASE: I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY

 

Tabitha Soren: i've just come back from the Medical Examiner's Office.

Kurt Loder: yeah.

Tabitha: you look tired, Kurt.

Kurt: that's how i always look, the light left my eyes long ago, my eyes were a New England lighthouse in the 1880s taking crashes of waves on a craggy island, we were all wearing frilly frocks back then. music is the only thing keeping me alive.

 

Tabitha: our bosses at MTV have your new assignment: have you heard of "You Get What You Give"?

Kurt: the New Radicals, unexpected hit song on the radio.

Tabitha: not THAT unexpected, it is catchy. those lyrics tho.

Kurt: yeah, poor Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson.

Tabitha: but that's the thing, everyone focuses on those two and miss the two who were FIRST besmirched in the lyrics: Beck and Hanson. go to Beck and Hanson and see how they're feeling about it.

Tabitha: btw, have you seen Marilyn Manson lately?

Kurt: um, yeah, he's fine.

Tabitha: and Courtney?

Kurt: Courtney Love is consoling Kurt Cobain...

Shaun Alexander: see everyone hates Alabama, but when i joined the Seattle Seahawks i used those Southern skills in the North and suddenly i was cool.

Kurt Cobain: yeah.

James Joyce NOT drunk doing a pubcrawl around Ireland: what's the point of being an Irish writer? you'll never be as good as me...

a mall food court in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s: parkouring the alleyways in Blade Runner...

pancake syrup: not good warm...

Melissa Maker: like my Friday-night tits with cum on them.

Taco Bell: Mexican Pizza.........Sauce is back!!!

Creepshow: this was a cartoon in the '80s, right? came on after Smurfs. yeah i remember that Creepshow Christmas special...

den: a man cave in the '80s...

Lindy Lenz: my email is lindyl999999999@aol.com.

me: are those Ls? you do this so no creeps can reach you.

Lindy: not necessarily, there are 9 nines...

Jasmine and Connor Cook of Double Take Reacts: we're quickly catching up to Suzy Lu and Steejo. we react to ALL the songs, even the controversial songs. we're not brother and sister doing the dishes together in the same flat.

Steejo: same. people think because i'm a kickboxer i can do the Kakashi ninja moves. but i can't.

Ted Turner: i taught Portuguese kids in the '90s English. my greatest creation was not the Atlanta Braves or CNN. it was Cartoon Network. i was the basis for the captain in Sealab 2021...

Saudi Arabia: we're known for our wall of death.........it's not what you think...

Kurt Loder is at his therapist's.

therapist: how are you surviving this week, Madison?

Kurt: it's Kurt. today was a bad one, doc. more than usual for my hangdog life. did you see SNL this weekend?

therapist: i'm afraid i missed it. i was busy blowing up balloons. is John Belushi still doing his thing over there?

Kurt: they had a skit where they portrayed Link from the Legend of Zelda video games as the biggest weenie in the world, a real nancyboy compared to the macho Italian ladies'-man guy from the GTA 6 game.

therapist: GTA?

Kurt: Grand Theft Auto. those games which rot the young men of America like the music of Korn did.

therapist: gotcha, i remember now. why do the ladies love criminals?

Kurt: because i like the Zelda games, i like solving puzzles, i felt like Link: a woman with big ears and blonde hair. my love interest Princess Zelda looks like my son.

therapist: i see. i'm calling up my fellow therapist Robin Williams right now to see if he can talk to you, help you through these feelings of feeling insignificant. i've been there. 

Kurt: i know i'm a wuss, but this week i felt like a weenus.

 

  

WITHDRAWN: MICROWAVE McDONALD'S

Lucio Rossi: they don't have a microwave McDonald's section.

me: what do you mean?

Lucio: don't you think by now McDonald's would put out their Big Macs, fries, Chicken McNuggets, and that waffle thing in frozen form and sell them in the frozen aisles of supermarkets across America? and Papua New Guinea?

me: yeah seems like a missed opportunity.

Lucio: Lucky should start the trend. imagine being able to microwave McDonald's fries in a TV-dinner tray and have them taste of beef tallow...

me: that ice has been melting a long time...

in Lucio's room, it's a different story.

Lucio: i'm sorry man, but i can't do this anymore. i've been eating McDonald's in my room for five days now, i feel NAUSEOUS from the smell. a salty greasy odor of decay wafts in my room, the scent of heavy digestion. in the space where i sleep. forgive me Lucy my first love.

me: can you counter it with a countersmell?

Lucio: yes, i've been putting coffee pods under my bed to add a layer of coffee under where i sleep perchance to dream. coffee smells bad but coffee GROUNDS smell like hope. i feel like i'm in the saved Amazon jungle...

The Weather Channel: we say Mother Nature, we can't say God...

Bud Selig: it's the saddest thing in the world that the Milwaukee Brewers have never won the World Series. we were the first baseball team...

monk: what's under my robe? pajamas.

Brother Peewit: we call the sun the Daystar...

Jen R: you're Daystar-worshippers!!!

Love Death + Robots: we are OBSESSED with the Afghanistan War...

Phoebe Buffay: you're my lobster.

David Foster Wallace: i know...

tassel hanging from a car rearview mirror: could be Catholic, could be from a strip club...

"Kaleidoscope": that's gotta be a Smashing Pumpkins song, right?...

The Prince of Tides: rent a beach house along the South Carolina shore for two weeks and watch this movie leisurely...

Barbra Streisand: The Prince of Tides was the ultimate '90s movie. it was also the movie where i got my mind and body right. this shy awkward Jewish girl with her funny face. for the first time in my life i felt pretty as i fucked a tired Nick Nolte on the silver screen in front of millions sitting in their seats in theaters...

Amelia Earhart: kinda cool how my plane had two car steering wheels as the yoke.

Lucio: i'm exhausted. i feel like retreating from the world forever and living in a sticky cocoon. are you impressed with me? do any of these inventions and creations of fire and gadgets of mine impress upon you in any way? do you like me?

me: of course. i liked you BEFORE all the mad-scientist scrap. you're my bes fren.   

Lucio: you did? i'm so tired. this is affecting me.

me: why sure. do you know how we became best friends? we were the two smartest students in our class. the teachers sat our desks next to each other grade after grade.

Lucio: yeah, that's how we got to talking. about Nintendo. not girls.

Lucio: do you want to join me on my duvet? the cover is buttoned like St. Cyril's nostalgia. you must promise to be my best friend till the end of my days.

me: deal.

Lucio: i need a best friend, not just a friend. 

 

WITHDRAWN: A BLAST OF AIR TO THE FACE

at Lucky, Lucio Rossi invites me in through the front door.

Lucio Rossi: you feel that?

me: i just got blasted in the face!!!

Lucio: now you know how a pornstar feels. right? a blast of COLD AIR to the face as each customer walks into the grocery store. that really invites them in on a hot summer middle day. makes them want to stay awhile and buy more. i'm gonna install this in my room, i have all the wires. when you enter my room, a blast of cold air to the face. so you're more willing to stay. and be my friend.

Lucio would often tell me random things about his life when he was pushing his grocery cart around the aisles. when he hit the frozen section he REALLY would let loose. it was like he was in a trance.

Lucio: i made love with a woman on the roof of a flowershop.

me: wow, that's so romantic. did you give her flowers from the shop below after?

Lucio: no. it was the romantic concept of the thing, you know? mental note: grocery car, save for later...

a like on Instagram: you want to show support, but you don't want to get in the way.

Cord Daddy: when you don't have a daddy...

Madonna giving the Video Vanguard award to Kurt Cobain: everyone in the world is an actress...

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, the swimming semen in the video, get it now?...

Pat Smear: i'm still technically in Nirvana?...

a Japanese love ballad: the year is 1994...

Love Death + Robots "Night of the Mini Dead": come on, even mountain monks can't escape the zombies?!!! zombies wouldn't care about monks.

Brother Peewit: there weren't zombies in Smurfs because we kept our black-magic potion bottles corked.

anime penguin: poor penguins don't know of nuclear war, a missile trapped in their ice, for shame, put that stupid human missile in the desert!!!

Gordon Ramsay: not the taco truck!!! i'm trying to impress Pati Jinich over here.

fattet hummus: Middle Eastern nachos. the Levant with lemon.

Fantasia (1940): did you ever think Satan would be a Disney character?

Walt Disney: blue tits to the face!!!

Mickey Mouse: Fantasia is the best Halloween movie...

Alex Honnold: wait, a mountain is really a demon's folded wings?!!! i'll never look at a mountaintop the same way again...

Morrissey: Zima, the UnCooler...

Michael Weiss: when you scroll Instagram at 10AM, you get some very different characters...

JFK: i became a sex addict to defy the endless physical ailments my body endured throughout my life, i was in physical pain and sex clears the mind. it was a good thing Marilyn Monroe was my nurse or i wouldn't have made it.

Eddie Vedder: um, sir.........you're my my hero, by the way. wanna live with me in Hawaii?

JFK: ohana sounds weird said with a Boston accent. nevermind me, what's up with the Pearl Jam drummer situation?

Matt Cameron: i left to find Chris Cornell...

Screech from Saved by the Bell: like Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter, everyone forgot about me until it was too late. they figured i was the little runty sidekick, i'd be okay, i'd survive.

Horshack: i was gay but i never did a dirty sanchez.

PBS: would you host a travel show if you had to eat iguana?...

Class of Nuke 'Em High: Steve-O's dad?

Vanilla Ice: i'm at the indoor bikini party because this is Florida, right?

bikini babe: you're supposed to drink the suntan lotion to stay hot, right?

Walker: when i first entered Jackie's house, Falkor barked at me. 

Falkor: you were a stranger, i didn't know from magic. you had the long blond hair of an evil wizard.

Walker: this was crucial. critical. vital. if i couldn't get Falkor to like me, i couldn't leash him to take him on his walks, which meant i wasn't getting my dick sucked.

Falkor: it was a matter of life and death.

Jackie Fitzgerald: not to mention entering me...

Walker: why do you like me?

Jackie: it's like i'm fucking Kurt Cobain, my mother would HATE that. she liked Pearl Jam.

Walker: you're dating me to get back at your mother? but she's dead.

Jackie: no she's not, she's Pearl Jam's drummer...

me: Lucky's cool.

Lucio: yeah, it's like a gas-station minimart but a bit bigger.

i push the button and hit Lucio with five blasts to the face of cold air as we enter his room. nothing. no reaction. Lucio is out cold on his bed. i don't know if Lucio sleeping is a good thing or a bad thing...

he wakes up after a time. Lucio looks at his Casio calculator watch and can't find the time.

Lucio: i didn't see my progress!!! 

me: why do you work so hard?

Lucio: everyone expects me to be a captain of industry. i always had the latest technology so now i have to MAKE the latest technology. 

me: can you make a time machine so we can go back to '80s grade school?

Lucio: but i'm so tired all the time. and i'm hungry. there's one thing the frozen aisle at Lucky didn't have...

 

WITHDRAWN: SINGLES

 

Lucio Rossi drags me to the ATM.

me: are you sure you have enough money in this account?

Lucio: that's what i'm living my life for, so i'll never have to answer that question again.

now Lucio always look perturbed, but especially so on this dewy morning as he fidgets with the ATM.

me: you always have on your face the look of someone who's dreaming something up.

Lucio: oh yeah. well look at this, it's ridiculous, my wallet carries 20 1-dollar bills at any one time!!! there needs to be a machine where you slip all 20 of your 1-dollar bills into the ATM slot like here and it spits out ONE 20-dollar bill to give your wallet a break.

me: ease that wallet.

Lucio: then you can lightly offer that one soft 20-dollar bill to the pretty clerk as you casually browse the Lucky aisles. 

a moonpie: Rowena Morgan from Mr. Holland's Opus...

Pebble Beach realtor: only one person can afford this house. is that one person you?...

Sarah: a refrigerator is a space meant to have all its space filled with clear trays of kimchi.

Juanes: i was doing hallucinogenic mushrooms with aliens, ironically, when i saw the Being of Light...

Jessie in the Saved by the Bell revival: i'm now a teacher of singing at Bayside. i found kratom pills in Zack's son's bedroom.

the Elephant Man: i just wanted to sleep normally for once!!! 

David Lynch: poor kid. when you dream tonight, when you cross that thin barrier into the unknown, think about how you're not even thinking how you're sleeping on the bed!!! hey, you like how i made EVERY SINGLE SCENE fade to black?...

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: by the same singer as the Gilligan's Island theme. the first time you went to a drive-in theater to see a movie...

Bette Midler: remember when your family took you to see Beaches at the Hollywood Bowl when you were a kid? you took your little plastic pail and shovel with you. you kept your lucky sand dollar in your waterlogged swim trunks.

Lucky: you don't come here to do a FULL grocery shop, getting a month's worth of food, pulling a Costco. you're here for a few items, the conveyor belt is thin...

Lucky: we're not animals. we open at 6 and close at 11 like reasonable beings.

golf: birdies for brain health. because if you're seeing birds flying around your head...

Safetussin: the Zima of Robitussin.

Zima: we're sugarfree...

Morrissey: bullshit!!!

Heather Matarazzo: all i'm saying is Welcome to the Dollhouse 2. and this time take your lonely college dormmate to see it at night!!!

Todd Solondz: i haven't worked since that "cum" incident...

Krusty the Clown: you've never had egg rolls at Jack In The Box. it's not a Krabby Patty...

Anne Dufourmantelle: UNLIKE Samuel Beckett, i didn't mind drowning for my beliefs.

Samuel Beckett: nihilism is easier on paper, harder when you're breathing...

Kazuki Takahashi: unlike you, Sam, i never got to read The Sign of Four. i guess i was a Japanese Republican but i saved lives from drowning!!!

Yu-Gi-Oh: the Blue-Eyes White Dragon was based on the design of a scuba snorkel...

at the International Tennis Hall of Fame in Rhode Island, Mary Carillo jams on stage with Roger Federer in a jazz band...

Bernard Black: the most pleasant thing in life is to go to the bathroom in a used-book shop.

Fantasia (1940): science book/history book.

dad: made me fall in love with dinosaurs. i hadn't seen dinosaurs used this well since until The Tree of Life...

hardboiled eggs: handsome eggs.

AI: i mean the least we can do is not give spoilers.

Des Moines: ironically, there are no monasteries here...

dad eating cookie crumbs: i am from Chesapeake, New York. 8 precious cookies...

hydroponics: remember when we thought this was the future? everyone did their 4th Grade science project on hydroponics. this is how we'd colonize Mars.

Pauly Shore: how the Biodome on Mars would work. and i'm not talking about bud, bud-ee. i'm talking about plants.

AI: i'm already smart enough to bring back soil samples from Mars...

Titan A.E.: appreciate just how beautiful rain is...

Joss Whedon: Firefly was the live-action this...

Lucio: i'm tired.

me: now what?

Lucio: use this 20-dollar bill that magically appeared to get the groceries at Lucky. i'll join you in a bit, i need a quick kip, i need a nap, i need a nip.