THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: THE PARSON'S PICKLE

 

in this Medieval village, as in all Medieval villages, the priest holds the power, he's the one who makes the civic decisions on where the village is going.

village priest: because i determine where all my denizens will end up after death.

on this morrow a parson skips into town pretending to be a horse.

parson: i'm not here to collect tax. first thing i notice is the blacksmith of this village gets all the women!!! it's like he has a thrall over them.

the parson sneaks into the mousehole of the blacksmith's shoppe to catch a glance at the blacksmith's people skills.

parson: he's just shaping metal with his churning hammer, sparks flying everywhere. the sparks of romance, ah.

James Spader: i should have been a mayor in a Grand Theft Auto game...

Match Game: all the '70s contestants had the hobby of waterskiing. 

California: nobody has hobbies anymore...

the village archbishop: it was only betting on a high school boys' basketball tournament, i'm a bishop, it coulda been worse!!!

Gollum: the new diamond-art Animal Farm movie features a cybertruck.........getting destroyed in a symbolic way, don't worry.

LeVar Burton in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Reading Rainbow episode: the editor is the actual person who makes the show. not the writers, not the director.

Patrick Stewart: why must we do each scene 13 times?!!! why is there a string above my bald head? i'm going back to the theatre, where it's ONE TAKE!!!

gaslighting: on gas prices.

Regular Show: The Lost Tapes: if you're a slacker, the best thing you can do is find another slacker to be your best friend.

Melissa Maker: we're flying you out to Toronto for the audition.

me: i'm finally becoming an actor?!!!

Melissa: to see if you have what it takes to be a stepdad to my daughter. 

Jen R: he thought he was gonna be on Degrassi.

Melissa: you're more Puppets Who Kill material. i'm dating Kawhi and he tells me the Raptor rims are rubbed with maple-bacon grease.

me: i'm getting rimmed by Melissa Maker?

Kawhi Leonard: Melissa and i are quiet Canadians...

Marathon Man.

Dustin Hoffman: we finally got mugged in New York City.

Marthe Keller: are you okay, babe? that is, are you okay, Babe?

John Schlesinger: notice how i made New York City a dingy small town...

Paris Hilton: let's just give "Stars Are Blind" to Gwen Stefani, it's weird otherwise.

Alaska Airlines: who is that mysterious Inuk man on our planes? he is Inuk-matic, enigmatic.

women: all women can agree that the only video game we like is Mario Kart...

Vera: the world would be nicer if George Burns was God.

George Burns: look at my face. see? you don't have to fear death anymore...

Janel Parrish: HBO Miranda Cosgrove...

Herb Brotts: not herb roots. I prefer the store unit bot I;m one of a handful whi think Cecily wrong is ugly. let Slama Vumming play me. I wa skits apt t photograph for :Puttinl on the utz: by Taco. I ordered a body burrito. 

let's Haring are we brothers?...

 Anna Rintour: think of gah son as  are randy. I got into this business to make Ruegr Frdrer a male Odell, that is all.

Jesusl I Emma is net to like 13 doge rent cirts, 13 deferent jidges, and they all four n em out guilty!!!

patsonL how do you do it?

bill moths it;s simply gentry. tale a look at those scroll freshly inked by the monks here.

Parsons tat;s a LONG-ASS scroll. does sit have the Riman mass on it?

blacksmiths no as you can we, it;s  a picture of my penis. the ones are Gerta drawers of dick's.

paso l I love all the colors they used on your little man. what's KY size?

balcmothl well you can plainly see yourself depicted IJ the corner there. with your pickle.

asyoNl tats how small I am? and I can eat tone to put a TV on pickles.

the paso realized he had to make a major life change. and FAST become the average lifespan around her was 23.

paso l I better be a farmer from now on, I can slip more easily here. I need to grow pickles and grape mu pickle.

the bal Smith in the other hives nor eavesdropping: yeah, na did better change career sorts, too. the real power is in the mayorship. d I need to slay the rest to be the priest? tat seems not good for KY eternal soul.

Rock Flaior with a Dutch it haorcut: ...

To Flir; therel Splenda of nature around here, the woods are still plentoful...

the parson notices the blacksmith having another late-night soiree with the maidens who are not waiting to enter his lair.

parson: man that guy is always entertaining. that sooty smith hogs all the mead in the village, too!!!

after the party it's up to the parson to clean up. while everyone is on the hay drunk he tiptoes over the cobblestone to the blacksmith's forge, there he discovers all the chastity belts the blacksmith is working on.

parson: it's not about attraction, it's about control. i think i just became a wizard!!!

ERRANDS: BASEBALL ALICE

 

at Encino Little League in the '80s, you are hit with abounding memories. they form a blanket of haze for you to see in. the baseball field is a barn its roof blown off by a mild L.A. storm. Mel from that '80s show Alice is the umpire behind home plate, he puts on that dusty black chest protector and is barefoot in the dust in the tradition of all hulking feral line cooks.

Vic Tayback: no mask, i wear my Popeye hat while counting balls and strikes.

as you go from home plate to the diamond to the outfield, you remember Alice, she was your mom, and her son Tommy was YOU. every time Linda Lavin spoke that was your mom's life lesson, her weekly wisdom to you.

Flo Castleberry: Flo plays shortstop!!! so i get the front-row-seat view of the players' butts. 

Jen R: remember that whole Flo storyline? we were toddlers but we got fragments, visions.

Flo: everybody in America remembers when i LEFT Mel's Diner, THAT episode, we all cried collectively as a united nation.  

as you get sunflower seeds from a gumball machine in the parents' parking lot on the other side of the farm by turning a quarter, you remember Vera.

me: Vera is ME. she's sensitive, loves old black-and-white movies, and is NAIVE, she wants the world to be kind but it's not and she can't take that.

Jen: she cries often when everything seems wrong.

Vera: i sleep in the bed from the "Princess and the Pea" episode of that Shelley Duvall anthology. i was the first representation on network TV of a woman who was deeply mentally ill. which just means i had a vast imagination, i was always happy. don't put me near that bottle of pills that are meant to help my depression. i thought the people on soap operas were real, don't we all? that's just good writing.

Leonardo diCaprio: i'm actually looking for a woman my mother's age. because all boys want to marry their mother.

Timothee Chalamet: i'm Leonardo diCaprio during his young-brat days.

a shaved Clark Gable in Red Dust: i'm Uncle Jesse from Full House but like WAY less nice.

Jean Harlow: you're not positive like John Stamos at all!!!

Bob Belcher: i don't care, i want Clark Gable playing me in the live-action movie...

The Howling: before this movie, werewolves were big neutered asexual dogs. 

Bob Barker: not the romantic wild beasts in Nature they were destined to be. all creatures want to fuck Linda Hamilton.

dad: ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: all robots, too.

Jesus turning over the money changers at the Temple: wow, i've never been this angry in my life. well one time when dad wouldn't let me take the car to prom. BUT to show you what i'm made of i will be the first man EVER to go to anger management...

Ray J: my body count is 12,500. now i haven't actually slept with 12,500 women, there aren't that many women in the world. and who's got time for 12,500 women?!!! better to sleep with your soulmate 12,500 times. 

Kim Kardashian: you said i was your first!!!

Billy Corgan: all my slow songs are lullabies...

The Howling: oh my god!!! Elliott's mom turned into Chewbacca!!!

Fred: remember when i ruled YouTube? then i casually mentioned i was gay and was never heard from again...

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: the story of a bird named Jonathan Livingston Seagull...

Michelangelo on a small wooden plank on his back painting the Sistine Chapel: this wooden plank will be the first '70s long skateboard...

Leslie Sbrocco: know how you know your restaurant food is good? you're DANCING as you eat it...

Charles and Camilla at a Virginia block party.

Charles: random.

Camilla: we don't have block parties in England, dahlin, only on Coronation Street.

Charles: Virginia, if we hadn't let that Colony go none of this would have happened. 

Camilla: is the coconut oil for our sex later, dahlin?

Charles: that's what movie-theatre popcorn butter is over here, dahlin: coconut oil. the only movie i've ever seen is The King's Speech.

Paolo Banchero: black Lucio Rossi...

Trent Reznor singing "Physical": i would do all of these things!!! that would be better than sex!!!

Trent: of course the irony being all of these things are NOT sex...

Linda Lavin: you remember Alice Hyatt. who stayed at a cheap motel, not the Hyatt. you remember those ladies in pink waitress uniforms, they were your first ladies, your first memory of TV was the show Alice. now get the Washing of the Feet ready, my son.

i put my mom's feet in a grey apple-bobbing trough and fill it gently with a waterfall of warm water from our stove kettle.

Linda: good boy, Tommy. omg my fucking toes just orgasmed!!! it's like sex that relieves, not for pleasure, you know? got any of those little orange sponges you put in between toes? anything for dinner? i've been on my feet all day.

Tommy opens the white refrigerator which has a handle that looks like a silver hand plane.

Tommy: liver sandwich in saran wrap, no onions, wedge of holey orange cheese in white butcher's paper, milk from a purple carton...

Jen: help me move this GIANT '70s vacuum...

me: i'll get the other end. this vacuum is a computer!!!

Linda Lavin: there is nothing more depressing than a mother who has to bury her son.

Philip McKeon: ...

Linda Lavin singing softly: bom bom bom bom bom bom.

ERRANDS: EYES UP

 

Jen R is driving the ladies in her Brady Bunch stationwagon to the Washed Out concert in Duluth.

Jen: ladies, this is phenomenal. when was the last time you were in a carpool?

Liza: school? 

Jackie Fitzgerald, Liza's sister: like 5th Grade?

Judith Light with white hair, Liza and Jackie's mother: maybe freshman-year high school?

Jen: exactly. the '70s. Jimmy Carter wanted everyone to carpool to stave off the energy crisis. 

Jen R: and now we're in a concert carpool. 

Liza: like a quad squad of teenyboppers.

Jackie: faster down the freeway, i'm thinking about Walker, i like the rumbling!!!

Jen: i hope my husband plays "Rain Arp."

Judith: you're lucky you get to bonk the singer. a drummer ripped my bodice off once at The Bowery but, well, nevermind. led to a large court case.

in the middle of "Pigments," Washed Out through tiny purple spotlights asks a redfaced Jen up on stage and the two dance for two seconds.

Jen: it was more purplefaced.

the crowd, the 11 who are there at the intimate private concert in a white warehouse, goes wild as much as they can.

on the drive home Judith Light is puzzled and she's not acting.

Judith Light: what was that?

Jen: Vaporwave.

Judith: so that was music? girls, make a sharp left turn to Sears, i got mama wisdom-dust to sprinkle in your cooches.

Stephen A. Smith: wait, i make 10 times more than a person who PLAYS in the NBA for just TALKING about the NBA?...

Florida in 10 years: football, boxing, and pro wrestling on a barge in a swamp...

Doug Robinson climbing Yosemite: i'm Ernest Hemingway if he was a Muppet.

Jane Goodall: stop using my hand-caressing-the-cheek-of-my-face pose, you're not as environmentalist as me!!!

Norah Jones walks on stage to her VH1 Unplugged concert in a barn's bookstore, not a Barnes bookstore.

Norah Jones: this is just my normal music.

B movie: it doesn't have to be a horror movie...

'70s percolator: had that glass dome on top that looked like the bubble from Trouble.

pop-o-matic: not a drug deal...

Jimmy Carter: why did it have to be Trump for the 250th? it just ruins it. it was cool when i was there for the Bicentennial, we had Allman Brothers and Fannie Flagg FINALLY showed her tits to America!!!

Kurt Cobain: life is a mystery.

Aubrey Plaza: oh shut up.

Robert Plant: i'm the only one who remembered that California will HAUNT you...

Natalie Merchant in the "Carnival" music video: i was disappointed having to photograph the 25-cents peep show...

Bill Nye: we gotta get back to the days of Pangaea if we're gonna save Earth...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: time travel is IMPOSSIBLE. that being said, Back to the Future has no plot holes!!!

Phil Jackson: if Jonathan Frakes did basketball.

Sphinx the cat: when it's a full moon and i'm going through my 4AM zoomies, i sound like a tiny galloping horse...

Gimme a Break: when you do a deep-dive into these episodes, the more you watch them, the more the morbs creep in...

Andy Gibb with a cake: ...

Nell Carter with a sexy full-body heave: i did Godspell, right?...

Bryan Cranston: it's so nice to veg out and play the dad from Malcolm in the Middle again. all that drug stuff fried my brain and warped my empathy. Hal Wilkerson? am i on drugs now?...

at the Sears the ladies are still floating off their concert high with small shrubs of light-green cotton candy.

Judith Light: remember in the '80s when you were watching Who's the Boss and your family drove to Sears in your wood stationwagon to take the family portrait? smiling was the thing back then, the July elf told you to smile, but the elf was all wrong: raise your eyes UP when you take a pic, that's the best posture. you look holy when your eyes are looking up like that, it looks like you're looking at an angel's butthole.

Judith uses the last of the saliva in her wrinkly old beautiful mouth and the last of her strength in her svelte pantsuit arms to seal the envelope on the Santa's Workshop desk which is Norm Abram's giant hand-plane in the summer.

Judith Light: there, i'm sending this photograph of me with my eyes looking up to Washed Out in the mail, he's gonna love it.

 

ERRANDS: TENNIS WITH BULIFANT

 

Joyce Bulifant is playing with Gene Rayburn for the first time at the tennis courts at Cupertino.

Gene Rayburn: what's a matter!!! how are you beating me this badly!!! i played college at Radford.

Joyce Bulifant: i'm beating you 6-1 6-1, breadsticks like your skinny microphone.

Gene waves his wood tennis racquet around like he does his skinny microphone, pirouetting it like a Zorro fencing sabre with the point bending right at Joyce's chest.

Gene: toro. take that, Errol Flynn, you have the skinny stache, i got the skinny mic. whoa wait, i never knew you had anything up there.

Joyce: yeah i got sneaky-big tits, buster.

Joyce demi-voltes which sweeps Gene's leg, he lands on his butt, he's now shorter than the net. 

Gene: i mean think about it: we do our jobs, which is taping a game show, then we have the rest of the afternoon free to play tennis together!!! these are the lives we lead!!! i'm so glad i went into Hollywood instead of becoming a mailman. how are you able to beat me so easily at tennis, little girl?

Charles Nelson Reilly naked wearing nothing but a cowboy hat on court: hey, don't demean the woman. for some reason game show hosts have a lot of power now...

Joyce: i'm wearing my midnight-blue jeans on court...

Doritos: we had to stuff protein in the Doritos because Americans can't be bothered to drink milk anymore!!!

at the Today Show, there are two sofa chairs facing each other: Katie Couric is interviewing Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter.

suddenly Horshack leaps from his sofa chair and exclaims, "i wanted to DANCE, dad!!!"

Horshack then exits the studio to the throng of people with signs milling outside the Today Show on the other side of the glass.

Horshack gathers all these people and forms a LONG conga line down 5th Avenue...

Pete Davidson: the Scottie tattoo is under my ear, i hear my daughter telepathically, we read each other's thoughts, we're close. my ear is a natural baby monitor.

Scottie Pippen: i hear Michael Jordan's thoughts in my nightmares.

Aubrey Plaza: why is everyone saying i should play Android 17?...

Tony Hawk: call me Tony Cobain from now on.

Kurt Cobain: that's my uncle!!!

Tony Hawk: as a tribute.

Michael Jackson: my Bad album, people called it the Bad album as in the bad album...

muni tennis court: grey with red squares, the Shel Silverstein colors.

Shel Silverstein swinging a Playboy tennis racquet: A Clockwork Orange...

Orange Piccolo: ...

James Cagney: it don't matter if you get the electric chair or Hell or anything else, all that matters is whether or not you were yellow.

Batman from Batman: The Animated Series: thank you, now that i've seen your movie, a couple of my episodes make more sense...

System of a Down singing "Chop Suey": Eliason!!!......Eliason!!!......Eliason!!! we're news-bureau people...

Nine Inch Nails: System of a Down is just a bad name, you have to admit.

the Big Sur International Marathon: for foot fetishists.

bumbling stumbling flatfooted cops: are you Jeff? we're looking for a man who puts peanut butter on his surfboard instead of wax.

at Martha Stewart's Earth funeral.

Martha Stewart: that's it, compost me, spread me over the prison i did hard time in, saturate the soil with my seed, it's a good thing. let flowers grow beneath the prisoners' feet, THAT will be my revenge...

Jen R: Shannon Hoon was the male Janis Joplin.

race walking: running at 100 mph while sitting in a chair.

Jaqueline Cristian: i'm Jem if she played tennis. there had to have been a Jem tennis episode in the '80s, right?...

Katy Perry singing "California Gurls": we're unforgettable, Daisy Dukes, spaghetti on toast.

Flo Castleberry: nah, Daisy Dukes are from Texas...

Snoop Dogg: i'm old now so i snuggle up to some zucchini in Palm Springs.

Jen and i are at the chip station.

me: don't double-dip the chip.

Jen R: i was never mindful of that before i started watching Seinfeld, i dipped blindly. the only reason to go to a party is for the chips.

me: so i told my folks that what i wanted to do for the rest of my life was watch adult animation.

Jen: here, try on this birthday hat with the string under the chin, maybe it'll be like a tinfoil hat for you.

Joyce: did you know i was almost Mrs. Brady?

Gene: Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch? but unlike Flo Henderson you fucked your eldest son BEFORE the show started.

Joyce: wipe that goofy grin off your face!!! no, Greg Brady gave me surfing tips, he prepared me for Battle of the Network Stars. Jan Brady prepared me for the football portion.........and can you please not come to the tennis court in a leisure suit?!!!