FREE AIR: PHONK RADIO

 

Santa Claus is fiddling around with the phone calling Inogen.

Santa Claus: just tell me what i need to know, you faggots!!!

Circe enters Santa's house wearing a sarong and flatform shoes.

Santa: oh that is my favorite ensemble on a woman!!! makes a woman look so fucking SEXY.

Circe: any luck?

Santa: yeah i got my backpack of air in the mail this morning, can you help me insert the cannula into my nostrils?

Circe: no i actually think this is a radio. see, you plug the cannula inserts into your ears, they're like air buds.

Santa: omg i can hear PHONK on the radio!!!

Circe: yeah, Matt Pinfield. the knobs on your backpack of air are AM and AM2.

Santa: i'm a new man with this backpack of air in my life. i can go anywhere in town now!!! i need to get some new duds to compete with your threads if we're gonna paint the town red.

Circe: i think i'm a different generation from you, were you asking me out?

Santa: let's go to the mall, i need a WHOLE new wardrobe. 

Circe: yeah, red fluff is out. and itchy.

cats: when you fall asleep, you become just another bed...

church: the only community you got left...

Martin Short: i've had to lean on Meryl Streep more. don't call me Marty ever again.

harass: her ass.

Whitney Cummings: that's it, i got the gig, i'm the new The View co-host. you're back in love with me. i was ON FIRE this week!!!

Judas Iscariot: people confuse me with Lucifer...

blower: a classier way to say phone.

Humphrey Bogart: it's not what you think...

Maria Antonieta Collins: no i'm not fucking the pope. i'm more like his big sis.

Granny Zirconia from Sailor Moon: i'm the real Bloody Mary in the mirror.

Bloody Mary: your future husband will appear behind you in the mirror? well that's a lot nicer than getting a scratch on your cheek!!!

Instagram: hey guys, we're all gonna be single together!!!

RC Cola: you know it's the good stuff when the 12-pack rectangular prism paper carton is all tied together with scotch tape.

Bart Braverman: "How Do I Get from Here to There," that was a Godspell song which has since been lost to antiquity...

the less fortunate: a kind broad way to describe everyone in a halfway house.

Burger King fries: eat them without ketchup, trust me...

me: get off my lawn.

gardener: ...

me: oh, sorry.

friend: unload on me, in a soft voice tell me your problems...

Leslie Sbrocco: i look Jewish but i'm actually Christian...

Meet the Press: the show's not over until the moderator SLAMS her ringfinger on the glass roundtable.

respond in kind: that's not kind.

Puppets Who Kill: it's a Canadian institution.

Santa and Circe are at Millers Outpost in the mall.

Santa PULLS OFF the white security tag on the long short-sleeved shirt and immediately alarms overhead blare, lights on sidewalls flash, and RoboCop comes out from behind the olive-green changing-room curtain shooting lazers at Santa's belly!!!

Circe swoops in to shove Santa out of the way of the lazers.

Santa: what the fuck man, you've taken years off my life, i'm old now!!!

Circe: those things that look like plastic bones are security tags.

Winona Ryder: never rip them off.

Santa: i thought they were candy canes without the red stripe.

RoboCop: *in a robotic voice* halt, criminal. hands off the Hawaiian shirt. hands off the acid-washed ripped jeans.

Circe: i never understood that look for women, jeans with holes in the knees deliberately.

RoboCop: i make the kneeholes with my lazers.

Santa: i know you were just doing your job, you bucket of bolts. i look like you now but i am NOT you. the fright you gave me prolapsed my butthole. 

RoboCop, crying: i am not YOU either, stranger. you get phonk on your radio, i get police...

RoboCop: i can't go to Hawaii, the heat, saltwater, and sand will get in my circuits. 

Circe: sorry about the saltwater thing, that's my doing. can i make it up to you? do you have a penis i can suck?

RoboCop: that's my gun...

GOD'S SPELL: GOD'S PILL

 

Bart Braverman: come on, after experiencing Godspell don't you believe again? hasn't your faith been renewed anew?  the haunting songs, the lyrics that leave you weepy. don't you want to build the City of Man? those creepy cop cars at the end behind the electric fence who don't say a word, just shine their lights. "Day by Day" never left my imagination even after we carried Jesus's body around that corner blending back into the nameless faceless New York City crowd. we are all in Hell living on Earth. the dull ache of loneliness.

Debralee Scott: i believe in love at first show.

Bart: don't you feel earnest again?

Jonathan Frakes: i only believe in space. i only believe in going to the moon again.

Victor Garber as Jesus: you betrayed me for $440?

Jonathan Frakes as Judas: silver lasts longer than gold, right? that's what Pontius Pilate who was working for the Ferengi told me. 

Pasquale in Godspell: that was the Pasquale sign, not the okay sign...

Jonathan: hold on, this ain't Carnegie Mellon!!!

Bart: no it's San Francisco State, why do you think i'm wearing these hippie clothes?...

Suzy Lu: i'm pregnant. Kakashi's sperm was so powerful it broke through my barren womb!!!

Kakashi: my cum went Ultra Instinct.

Steejo: i can't hate. i can't be mad. i can't be jealous. it's a blessing, ya know?

Isa Briones: you hate my character on The Pitt, but that just means i'm a good actress!!! 

Rocket Romano: you feel me?

Nyambi Nyambi: see i'm a pro actor. this ain't a game, i can't change the channel like you. i immediately deleted the image of Dan Fielding from my brain and only thought of an elephant...

Matthew McConaughey: i guess that's what i'm doing this week, because i'm a celebrity, i'm sliding down glaciers in Norway with Bear Grylls.

Bear Grylls: with just boots, no ropes.

Bjork: people forget, i was trip-hop...

me: i'm sorry for being small, Brooke Trantor.

Brooke Trantor: *looks at my pants* both meanings.

Tricky: i'm the trip-hop Basquiat.

Ethos: see without Ethos, dad dies and your family is out on its ear, homeless and on the streets. affordable housing will come to your area when the mall becomes public domain, 70 years plus the life of Mickey Mouse.

dumped: the first Valley Girl word.

wandering through an IKEA: our grandfathers had better history than us, their furniture is wood with carvings of horses, ours is a white square. 

Chola Butt at Safeway: i really thought my big butt would serve me in other ways.

Liza: everyone takes a look at your big Spanish butt and assumes you're the one lifting all those heavy pallets of food crates out back. 

Chola Butt: my strength comes from my Spanish, not my butt. i wanted this butt to land me Hugh Grant!!! okay i'll settle for Bad Bunny.

Sphinx the cat: cats are lactose intolerant. don't believe those Tom & Jerrys from the 1940s with the saucer of milk on the windowsill. we had a bad history with cows. don't give us those puppuccinos from Starbucks, that's not for us!!!

Puppets Who Kill: it's either gonna be 1930s gangsters or a courtroom scene...

Jesus: or making fun of me. remember letters?

John Pattison: i saw Gerard Damiano's Let My Puppets Come as a junior in high school, it changed me...

Naked Doritos: it just isn't the same without the orange dust from the Moon.

seal: i yawn like a cat.

Sphinx: because it's cold in Antarctica. 

fly: all animals yawn, even insects, you just can't see our mouths.

James Cagney: i was the Marlon Brando of my time.

Jen R: look try this. do something you've never done in your life, put the RIGHT pantleg on first.

i do, and the wet spot from cum on my grey jogging pants disappears.

Jen: see? don't be like everyone else.

Debralee Scott and Bart Braverman undress each other, and while naked paint hippie makeup on each other's faces. the two make love in the rill for 11 hours, contorting their bodies together with such force and alacrity that they splash all the water out of the rill.

Debralee: our sex is the ultimate communal experience. i was outcast for having weird teeth, they called me Dental Lee Scott.

Jonathan Frakes: i'm happy for you two. holy fuck the hippie paint on both your faces never came off from the sloshing of the rill water!!! 

Bart: desperately searching for meaning as we're all here living on Earth.

Debralee: desperately holding onto Jesus's hand before Jesus lets go of your hand to hitchhike for the next bus.  

 

GOD'S SPELL: THE SELL

 

Bart Braverman: so, what are the highlights for you?

Jonathan Frakes: i wasn't paying attention because i was paying attention too much.

Bart: wait, is this...?

Debralee Scott: NO no no no no!!! defer to Debra, today is April 1. that's it. it's JUST the first of the month.

Debralee: i love when you eat the leg of that starlet, Bart. RAWR, i wish that was MY leg!!! *faints*

Jonathan: i mean i don't know, that one black person in your Godspell company with the fro, i truly can't tell if he's a man or a woman.

Bart: did you like it when i started playing my flute? Godspell was the inspiration for The Legend of Zelda.

Blue Thunder: turns out British soldiers WERE at Vietnam...

Melissa Maker: i'm pregnant. 

Chad Reynolds: the universe is dying to know, who's the lucky bastard who filled you up after me?

Melissa: it's a secret. let's just say i was craving pickles and this man knew how to open a pickle jar.

the Vlasic stork: ...

Chad: did he pull your hair? sorry.........it's just, i never got to pull your hair...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: yes, the universe is dying...

Dormeo: you had no idea we were celebrating our 20th anniversary...

PM Dawn "Looking Through Patient Eyes": it's not the Fire Nation, it's '90s Jesus for you, you, yes it's true...

John Hughes holding a boombox over his head: say anything, take a chance, take a swing, no more status-quo days, do something different with different people, kiss a stranger, actually type words in his DM...

LeVar Burton: i got into books because i couldn't countenance what i was doing as a detective. i couldn't as a matter of law stop the PHAT beat Cameo was laying down in "Word Up." i went to my local bakery downtown and my adventure began...

I. Magnin: where you went for socks if you went to a magnet school.

Lucio Rossi: i always thought that was magnum school, as in magnum condoms. now i was smart enough to go to that school. but unlike most Italian men, i was clumsy and awkward and nerdy. i didn't play soccer, sorry, Azzurri, i can't help you now!!! my hair was a clunk. i had a bubble butt, not a bubble penis.

Steve Zissou: i shoot blanks so i can't be your father.

Ned: i'm not a fan of yours so this isn't an obsessed stalker situation. i was just a very lonely boy and then man. my mother did commit suicide but that had nothing to do with you. i was a Ned who NEEDED.

Steve: yeah all that seawater seeped into my balls. but wait, who knocked up Cate Blanchett?

Ned: me, retroactively...

Jen R: look down.

me: what. don't hit my nose with your finger.

Jen: no, you're not even noticing that you're wearing the grey jogging pants. you cummed in your pants, i can see your massive wet spot from across the street.

me: how do i get people to take me seriously?

Jen: you have to look the part. get people to be distracted by another part of your body.

Jen touches my frizzy hair half-fro and it turns into a luxurious Japanese pompadour.

Jen: it's Jigen's hair from Lupin III!!! when he finally takes off that Clint Eastwood hat!!!

Victor Garber: i'm Jesus Christ.

Jonathan: a bit arrogant are we.

Victor: and i'm gay. and i'm Jewish. think about those two things in a Jesus.

Jennifer Garner: Jesus liked redheads, CHERRY redheads. 

Victor: the S on my chest stands for Savior, i swear!!! it's not Superman, we're not dealing with any of that fraught Nietzsche Superman stuff here on Godspell. i'm wearing the first jewfro. i wear rainbow clown pants to fit in with my fellow humans. 

Victor Garber as Jesus dances along the rill contorting his body like a water pump.

Victor: *singing* I don't need a plumber/ unless it's Mario/ i got my own wrench/ that came from the barrio/ look at me singin' and dancin'!!!/ soon you can tell/ that what i'm doing here/ is the swanky swell sell!!! 

GOD'S SPELL: THE RILL

 

at a stone courtyard much like the business section of Downtown Los Angeles with all the office space, there is no fountain, there's a flat lake in the middle called a rill.

Debralee Scott in bead bracelets: much like a college quad.

Bart Braverman his hair parted with an eggbeater: but much funner, it's theatre!!! a braver man than i introduced me to musical theatre, my father, who was the first Eeyore on Broadway........oh, speaking of my father, who's this husky gentleman next to you? i didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Jonathan Frakes: yeah i guess i'm hers now. 

Debralee: we met on the tilt-a-whirl.

Jonathan: Riker needed to fly.

Bart, crying: well, good for you, you ginger freak. you.........red animal.

Debralee: hey don't be sore, there's still a week left. 

Bart: Godspell. we do Godspell inside this white building on a stage in minutes. can you hear that godawful sound? it's the actors clearing their throats.

Jonathan: Gospel? 

Bart: every actor and actress does Godspell before their big break, or before joining a game show, it's a requirement.

Jonathan: i don't trust musical theatre. musical theatre is suspicious to me.

Debralee: aw come on, hoss, give it a go. try it, you'll like it. have some fun, you're so stiff!!!

Jonathan: i can't walk right...

Victor Garber: my heart was especially shattered and downtrodden when 9/11 happened. we did a whole song-and-dance number on the roof of the North Tower of the Twin Towers for the move of Godspell in 1973.

Bart: yes i remember, i was TERRIFIED of dancing on that roof, the railing was paper thin, i was scared of tiptoeing right over the edge!!!

Victor: you have to be willing to die for your art, otherwise what's the point?

Ireland: for genuine Guinness.

New York Yankees cap: only wear this away from the ballpark if you're famous...

Knudsen: milk in the '80s in Los Angeles...

me: i want to wear my spring pants, it's spring.

Jen R: but your spring pants are grey jogging pants, you cum in your pants at night and leave a giant noticeable wet spot in the day for all to see!!!

me: what's the solution?

Jen: wear your NAVY BLUE jogging pants at night, god knows the armed forces would boot you out if you joined. the wet spot won't show.

me: together with these grey jogging pants, my grey socks, my off-white sneakers, and my dark-white shirt, i'm Greyman!!!

Jackie Fitzgerald holding a Palm Sunday palm: i heard you had a birthday?

me: March 22, just passed.

Jackie: *thinking to herself* great, am i gonna have to make this idiot a birthday dinner again?

me: can i see your tits?

Jackie: oh that's it? okay a quick flash, Walker's next door sleeping, he'll rev up his motorcycle in minutes...

landlord: play cards with your landlord at his apartment on a Friday night, it'll really help you down the road...

rubber cement: mystical glue to us kids in the '80s.

Gladyce: i don't mind soup for lunch AND dinner. not for breakfast tho.

Bassmasters: who the FUCK watches stout country boys in a rowboat sitting on a river for three hours?

Takeru Kobayashi: gotta bring back that Japanese fisher.

Jim Cantore: need a job?

Takeru Kobayashi: i can predict tsunamis...

Jim Cantore: i can eat my weight in cocktail weenies.

Jacques Pepin: wait, another Jacques?

Jacques Torres: ...

Jacques Pepin: i am SHOCKED by your Jacques!!!

Jacques Torres: you just made me wet myself and cry. that's a pee spot on my pants.

Jacques Pepin: dude, don't wear jeans when you're cooking with Julia Child, have some class.

Julia Child: let me kiss the soup first...

capers: peas that taste good.

Claudine Pepin: i most definitely take after my father, not my mother. i got French tits, not American tits, my tits are sneaky big...

Elaine Giftos: i'm a gift to us all...

Willem Dafoe: i did The Last Temptation of Christ and Antichrist...

Bullock's: not Buttocks.

Sandra Bullock: picture me as a Monty Python Roman soldier...

Bullock's: you only shopped in me for socks.

Montgomery Ward: where you took your first family photo. you, a toddler, autumn leaves in the background, holding either a blue mini football or that Sailor Moon wand with the blinking lights.

Dan Redican: if Mitch English went into acting...

inside the auditorium.

Jonathan: the fuck is this shit, man? Pasqually form Chuck E. Cheese is in the company?

Debralee: no that's Gallagher. Bart is kinda cute up there doing his thing. 

Bart: *interrupting his big number* you only like me because i'm up here...

Debralee: a song-and-dance man who's straight? that's the stuff.