THE REAL WIKI: THE BEST SLEEP POSITION

 

Jen R: so we're obviously in Hawaii to help Terri out.

me: Terri Alden? oh yeah, that makes sense.

we reach Terri's bungalow in the jungle JUST as Mr. Furley is going apeshit.

Terri: i've managed to calm him down.

Jen: you have?

Terri: from before. he was climbing vines and shaking his loincloth at everyone like Brooke Trantor. now he's just hyperventilating and karate-chopping in the air.

Terri: cheer up, RF.

Mr. Furley: it's not that easy, Terri!!! you should know, you're a nurse!!! a psychiatric nurse, right? look at my life. look at me, i wear an ascot, animal-print shirt, beige vest, and flared pants. pointy white dance shoes. i've wasted my life. i never met a woman for more than a few hours. never had children to carry on the cool RF name. nobody will ever know how smooth i was. i'm gonna die alone *cries WAMPUM tears*.

Jen: it's just not right for Mr. Furley to kill himself, he's too much of a kooky character, you know?

Terri: i have an idea.

Jen: we gotta get RF on a date.

Terri: bingo. i have the perfect woman. 

Ilene Graff: i went from hooker to housewife in two short years!!! Three's Company to Mr. Belvedere...

Terri: no not you.  

Lani Abraham from Match Game: me? i'm Anne Hathaway's mother...

Terri: no, you. Kathy Shower.

Kathy Shower: i have the perfect name for a Three's Company guest star...

Mr. Furley invites Kathy Shower to sit on his garish flower couch in his 101 landlord's apartment and the WIDE FRIENDLY TOOTHY Mr. Furley smile returns to his face.

Mr. Furley: i'm feeling much better about things. all it took was spending time with a woman who would hear my problems. a little checkers and wine. and cutting Andy Griffith out of my life...

Walton Goggins: Jim Carrey? ANYBODY can play The Grinch. because everyone looks good in that green Grinch face makeup...

Olivia Nuzzi: i've wanted to be a Kennedy since i was a little girl. he was the last one left, okay?...

blonde jokes: still a thing in the '90s...

Raye: i guess a guy's name?

Jen R: in the '80s, the mom and dad of the suburban family would "go upstairs" to have sex.

Alex: the WORST name to try to determine the gender of...

don't bullshit me: such a '90s phrase.

Hugh Grant: don't be absurd.

Sartre: ...

Sartre: are you like the modern Cary Grant?...

jalapenos in your Coke: experimenting one stressful Sunday afternoon in the '80s at El Pollo Loco...

Ralph Furley after drinking Jalapeno Coke: smooth.

Thanksgiving: from now on it's gonna be called John Madden Day.

Best Medicine: Fox can NEVER hope to come CLOSE to Northern Exposure!!!

Frozen On Ice: the only Disney On Ice thing that makes sense.

Peter Pan On Ice: doesn't make sense.

elf: the holidays are stressful for EVERYONE but even MORE stressful for elves. it's not fair.

Game Show Network: we go ALL FUCKING OUT for Christmas.

Seth MacFarlane: i need my teddy-bear thunder-buddy when i go to Mars.

Ellen DeGeneres: damn dude. and i went to Britain. but you win.

investigative reporter: investigating Black Friday deals at Macy's...

Nicolette Groome: such a goth name.

Jen and i are in our hammocks in Honolulu surrounded by Spanish moss.

Jen R: we need a key to get into Waikiki. we need rest for the test. a disco nap so we're not too tired to go to the disco, not the test. a power nap makes us weak.

me: what's the best sleep position?

Jen: picture it, in your bed at midnight: assume the fetal position, tuck your left hand in between your left leg and your right leg.

me: yeah that's the stuff.

Jen: let's go to the mall.

me: but we're in Hawaii.

Jen: but it's Black Friday, nobody goes to the MALL anymore on Black Friday!!! i'm gonna be wearing THREE Swatch watches on my left wrist because i'm cool. my purple Swatch, my black Swatch, my pink polka-dot Swatch. 

 

 

THE REAL WIKI: NEW YORK TO HONOLULU

 

Jen R: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

me: we're celebrating HERE?

Jen: sure. haven't you always wanted to eat at a genuine New York City bazaar?

me: so, the turkey will have little flat pizza bits?

Jen: from now on, toned EVERYTHING.

me: what happened? i've never seen you like this before.

Jen: well you start to notice, you know? i can't keep eating the cookies, it's starting to show.

me: but you don't get fat. you turn into this cute adorable pudgy roundball winter elf instead. i wanna squeeze you MORE!!!

Jen: okay do the thing.

i close my eyes, put my hands and fingers together, GENTLY bow down my back to the floor as the gold carved coffeemaker spits its golden brew at the NYC coffee bar.

me, chanting: '80s USC dad coffee, '80s USC dad coffee...

Jen: i feel we need "Warm Machine" by Bush as the elevator music.

Pea Soup Andersen's: the official restaurant of The Exorcist...

Emmanuelle (1974).

Japanese women: SHE'S ON TOP!!!

me: see? the waterfall isn't beautiful until i tell you about it.

Jen R: i get it now, i'm made of water...

Thai woman found alive in coffin: ...

Bee: my French teacher told me to get a Flawless Victory at the arcade, that'd be more lucrative as a career. i gave him my cribbage board.

Jen: a cribbage board looks like a Hot Wheels track.

Emmanuelle: the rain is my tears. that is so French-Thai Existentialist. like losing 5 internet images on your computer but the images were from 5 months ago so you forgot what they were and you'll NEVER remember what they were...

Ariane: Jean, you're a slut.

Jean: i won't, my cock is not your racquetball racquet-handle to play with.

Jean: a woman can't be a bachelor!!!

Emmanuelle: wait till Emmanuelle 2...

Jean: look, swingers like us, we can't experience love.

Ariane: i wanted to be your one and only. i wanted to be the wife of the entire franchise of Emmanuelle. let's play racquetball in our longskirts.

Mario: when you're an 80-year-old man who can still get it up, i'd call that poetry. 

Emmanuelle: i tire of this bedhopping, i'm going back to Paris to study archaeology, i REALLY want to be Bee's wife!!!

folding screen: is this really necessary in this film?...

monogamy: it's dead. so there really shouldn't be adult virginity anymore, right?...

laws: scared of life.

opium dens: not just those Dungeons & Dragons basements with the orange carpet.

eroticism: it's like an episode of Red Shoe Diaries...

Mario: sex and love are not the same. sex means don't get pregnant!!! love is this intangible thing in the mind. but the mind is in the body...

what brand of opium is this?: Marlboro.

Napoleon: i wouldn't have been so warhappy if mom had given me that spoon collection.

Matt Frewer: i collect.........situations.

Billy Corgan: real love is erection?

Thai boxing: if there's kicking, it's not boxing!!! the prize is a lick on the eyebrow, that's it!!!

Mario: i want a black Emmanuelle...

Sylvia Kristel: so Marika Green and i got arrested during the waterfall scene, we got caught naked, spent a night in a Thai prison. 

Anthony Bourdain: would've been the rest of your lives were not for me. if i hadn't intervened. luckily i knew the King of Thailand. i knew the King of Thailand was a major film buff. we bonded over Vanishing Point.

the King of Thailand: it's me!!! Thai Guy from Crespi!!!

Melissa Maker: i love my ex-husband's family but not him, it's weird.

koalas: our STD problem, it's not what you think. Australia isn't any freakier.

Bindi Irwin: i mean you did have a rave scene in the '90s.

koalas: we watched Carry On Emmannuelle one too many times.

Steve Irwin: i reincarnated into a boomerang.

Dee: rare but it can be a man's name.

Twisted Sister: ironic...

Jim Cantore: fog is just when the cloud is on the street, not in the sky. don't drive in fog, walk in fog...

ginkgo-toothed beaked whale: do you know how we were able to stay hidden for so long?

dad: ginkgo biloba.

ginkgo-toothed beaked whale: not BEACHED whale...

good friends: talk everyday.

Boston cream donut: so much more than a chocolate donut...

Garfield: i love Baltimore, all the stores are closed Mondays...

mom: hip surgery is like when Trinity the cat vomits on your blanket, that blanket was full of stains, it needed to be washed anyway...

mom: get a hopeful item at Safeway, get my maple syrup even if i won't be around for a while, not home for the holidays, three months at a rehab in Santa Cruz...

Kate Bolduan: the reason you SEE my BIG Starbucks styrofoam cup of coffee on-camera is i REALLY like coffee and i'm diabetic.

shore up: a word only used to describe football defenses...

this comes as... : only on news broadcasts.

Shakespeare: SAVE BBC NEWS!!!

we're in Honolulu. NOT by the airport. our bodies are fully on a white-sandy beach not on the map surrounded by turquoise water. the two of us are on a hill. two palm trees shade our faces. a protruding grey stone is our pillow.

me: not that i'm complaining but why?

Jen R: you know when you're kinda drowsy and you don't know where you are?

me: Alzheimer's on Mr. Belvedere?

Jen: you wake up. you're on a beach. suddenly you realize, I FORGOT!!! WE LIVE IN HAWAII!!! that is an amazing feeling.

me avoiding a crashing wave: isn't this the spot where you fell in love with surfing?

Jen: John Davidson was handsome, but Jack Lord was OUTSTANDING.

me: any Thanksgiving leftovers left?

Jen: bacon. people don't think about bacon on Thanksgiving...

 

 

THE REAL WIKI: THAT SCENE ON THE DRIVEWAY

 

Jen R pulls up to my driveway in a Nissan Skyline.

Jen R: Vaporwave car.

me: i finally get that scene i've been dreaming about MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

the two of us hug for a week.

me: what's in the back?

Jen: 7 cases of kitty litter. it's supposed to be the lightweight stuff but it's getting heavier in my hand. or maybe i'm just getting older.

me: did i ask for this?

Jen: subconsciously and brimstone-y. with me, yes. whenever i visit someone strange i give them kitty litter. especially if they DON'T have a cat...

me: i see you working... 

Marmaduke: don't be absurd.

mom: i like crepes but i don't want crepey skin!!!

mom: what's absurd is i don't have liquid soap in my bathroom!!! cleanser? like foam you use to spot a stain on a shirt?

Emmanuelle (1974).

Sylvia Kristel: so i was auditioning for that cat food commercial with a cartoon Garfield interacting with a live-action me. 

Just Jaeckin: i mean i wouldn't mind if your spaghetti straps came off. yes that is my real name.

Garfield: they sell lasagna at the vet?

Sartre: leave me out of this. oh wait, i guess all of us here are French-Thai.

J Dilla: this is the "Won't Do" music-video intro...

red socks: only on Christmas.

the French In Action professor: whoops, wrong door.

Gilligan: one is never alone in life.........on a boat...

jealousy: outdated in the '70s. WHAT HAPPENED?!!!

man: i didn't want to pay for it either. but nobody's around!!!

Van Gogh: i never slept with any of my models. i feel i missed out...

donuts: strange country? have a donut.

morning meditations: keep the tips pointed.

factotum: even a brothel needs cleaning.

the The Room bed...

houseboy: this green robe means i'm a eunuch. i run through the banyans like Martin Yan that one time.

boredom: the enemy of this house and this film.

James Caan: sailors make lousy lovers.

Emmanuelle: all i did while in Paris was go to the Nintendo Store.

Shirley Manson: it's not cheating if it's women. but you're gonna have to shave...

Marie-Ange: like my Shel Silverstein shirt?

Marie-Ange: never trust anyone over 30.

Emmanuelle: this is a California King from when Mordecai was my lover.

masturbation: it's only elegant when women do it.

Fontainebleau: everybody goes to this restaurant after prom!!!

Less: no wonder i'm still a virgin. no car. and i sleep at night...

Felipe sawing his forefingers at the green houseboy: chame chame chame chame chame.

Concorde plane: looks like a movie theatre...

William Shatner: um, stewardess?

stewardess: it's a French plane, making love happens in the seats. seats as big as sofas.

Roger Federer: when i'm at the Thailand Open, i play squash along the side of a pagoda.

Samuel Beckett: the answer lies in pleasure itself.

Emmanuelle: i want to drink you.

Errol Flynn: but i taste like Hi-C.

Emmanuelle: why can't beauty be getting fucked in the ass with a glass dildo?

Jen R: omg remember those '70s white socks with one red stripe and one blue stripe?

Danny Supple: wood racquetball racquets?

Shirley Manson: my fantasy is to make love while wearing my Gloria Steinem glasses.

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's the same impulse when you see my butt and tits.

feminism: take a lover...

Adam: we're all naked underneath our dresses.

Steve Jobs: when was i in the Coast Guard?

licentious: having a driver's license.

me: that's a neat trick, put a bracelet on your crush's wrist and wait to see if she returns it...

Jen R: highlighter-yellow car?...

Bee: none of that corn-flakes nonsense for breakfast...

Washed Out: hey don't knock a life of leisure.

Bee: that's not how life works!!! get out of the jeep, i'm married to my job. look, you're okay but.........i'm kinda friendzoning you...

King Crimson: copyright court, dudes. wait, this is a Kevin Kline movie? okay you can use our music.

Bee: put on this red Steve Buscemi backwards cap to blend in.

Emmanuelle: i'm falling in love with Steve Irwin's wife.

naked Thai woman: i don't smoke, my vagina does.

The Carpenters: so you're healthy? what are we doing here?

The Carpenters: sure beats the car cigarette-lighter from our 1974 Oldsmobile...

Bee: well, i've never had naked lesbian sex inside a Thailand bamboo cage before, that's for sure.

Martin Scorsese: if you have to make a sex film, LIE to the government of that country...

Anthony Bourdain: a solo trip to Bangkok will crush you with depression...

Anthony Bourdain: Vietnam? maybe... 

Yoshie Bancroft: works for Harmony Gold...

carnival wheel: impossible to win. you better hope the Ferris wheel is working...

Cumber: The Bible is boring, learn about exciting Saiyan ancient history in Sunday school instead...

me: what? i was looking at your butt.

Melissa Maker wearing an ALO fur coat: you know, yeti. not cute at the grocery store. Hulk Hogan when he was in Russia.

Jen R: sexy yeti.

the two of us, the two soulmates, move from a memory to a moment to the murmurs of a meal.

Jen still hugging my neck: remember, whenever you see 9:30AM on the clock, that's me, that's my warmth. 

CUNNING FOLK: REMEMBER PENNIES?

 

Jen and i are at Disneyland.

Jen R: let's go to the gift shoppe.

me: in Main Street USA? but that's the worst land.

Jen: i know but that's the only place to get a penny anymore.

Jen: so they're selling Lincoln pennies for $5, that is so Disneyland.

me: you gotta go with the flow when you're at Disneyland, leave your wallet behind.

Jen: want this Dutch oven with Walt Disney's face on it?

me: omg look at the glass case below the tit on the wood statue of the Snow White witch.

Jen: it's a Wheel of Fortune tarot card. AND a Jeopardy tarot card!!!

me: Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek as a two-headed minotaur is unnerving.

Jen: and magical. i like how the divine wheel has a blue Daily Double wedge.

me: the wheel is surrounded by masonstone pebbles.

Ian Curtis on laxatives: Skyrizi, control is everything to me, love that song.

eggnog: spiked with spiced rum.

Chloe Fineman: ...

Prince: i came up with the whole drinking her bathwater thing.

Belle Delphine: thank you.

Prince: another man's wife...

Double Indemnity.

Barbara Stanwyck wearing silly sunglasses: we must stop meeting like this.

Walter: why? i love going to our local tiendita. 

Barbara: oh that's right you're a fan of Mexican food.

Jacques Pepin raising a glass: cooking with my daughter, cooking with my granddaughter, these are the things that feed my soul.

Rollie Wesen raising a baguette lightsaber: what about me?!!! come on, man, AGAIN?!!!

Vaporwave: the spacing of the letters and we're spacing to the chillwave groove.

Kevin Spacey in purple: don't be spacey, be spaced out.

Kevin Spacey: i'm fine. i'm a lounge singer in Cypress living my Lost in Translation life. i'm not homeless, i go from hotel to hotel...

Carson Daly: you're jealous of me, i know ALL the pop-culture things, man.

Instagram: we don't really care about your home business, just post stuff about fucking...

R.E.M. "Losing My Religion": it's about overthinking...

blowjob: take your socks off, man.

Martha Stewart: serve the Thanksgiving meal at 2PM, just in time for a new Family Guy...

Peter Griffin: nobody eats at 2PM. isn't 2PM cocktail hour?

Martha: you only eat at 2PM once a year. and that other time you were late to the Dodger game so you ate a long hot dog with Mary Hart.

Mary Hart: late lunch munch.

Millie Bobby Brown: my tattoo will say I KNOW.........Star Wars fans get it...

Dragon Ball: every series begins with a farmer...

belly dancer: ballet dancer...

Donald Duck is crying in the gift shoppe.

Jen R: what's wrong, Homefeather?

Donald Duck: i'm crying.

Jen: you'll get your feathers wet, Double D.

Donald Duck: i'm just thinking about where my life would have been now. had i not met Jack Tripper. Jack inspired me to be a sailor. a sailor not like Jack Tripper, a sailor the Navy could be proud of, not just another longshoreman male prostitute. 

me: hey Jen, can i get this LONG rainbow tornado lollipop?

Jen: those swerves are SEVERE.

Mickey Mouse: yeah don't get that swirly lollipop, it's hazardous to your health. either you'll choke or you'll lose your wife. i put it in Minnie's butt thinking her having a tail meant she had no butt.

Jen: honest mistake.