THE THERAPIST UNDER THE WATERFALL: THE DIFFICULT PATIENT

 

Luke Russert: i am beyond help?

Tai: not necessarily. after all i have a good track record with difficult patients like you. take my most recent patient: he was a fat guy who hated being fat. i told him if he hadn't been fat he wouldn't have survived when he took a head-on collision from a big rig. doctors STILL marvel that he escaped that with a few scrapes. got a $1,000,000 settlement from his advocate Jack McCoy.

me: i don't have time anymore to like go to an eye doctor, you know?

Jen R: not even an eye doctor at the mall?

tortoise: we fuck more during solar eclipses. the sex lasts for 2 minutes and 18 seconds...

lasagna: best lukewarm.

Pee-wee Herman: one minute in the microwave.

Chairry: when it still tastes cold, like my seat. that first COLD BITE...

the Baby Shark kid: i'm in BTS now.

 Alannah Myles: i was the first Alanis Morissette...

X-Men '97: you're slowly starting to realize you never liked X-Men at all, you just thought it had a cool theme song in the '90s...

Seth Green: the reason i made friends with Mike Myers wasn't for the Austin Powers stuff, it was i knew i'd be asked to do a Verizon commercial 30 years later. it's the stuff that comes AFTER that's eternal.

Chipotle: forget the jalapenos, Mexican stonecutters are falling ill and dropping like flies over stone countertops!!!

Chola Butt: i know, mang. this ain't the Middle Ages no more, gente!!! don't call me Chipotle Butt, that's not sporting.

Pan Pacific Championships: a star-studded swimming event.

Summer Sanders: only swimmers are here, folks, Tom Cruise isn't in the small stands. sorry, no cool kid's game show hosts. you had a crush on me but it was clean and pure. there was nothing in the water...

Mark Consuelos: i would stay in a 30-year loveless marriage with you just to be near our little teacup dog Chewie.

Kelly Ripa: .........are you seeing that ginger bitch from Connect with English again?...

California Pizza Kitchen: our bags are like Macy's bags but TWICE THE SIZE AND BIGGER FOR CHRISTMAS.

Luke Russert: i'm still hesitant, wary, and weary.

Tai: my first patient was a Minnesota cowboy who wore a purple cowboy hat and purple spats living in Texas who didn't fit in because he was the only one on the range who liked Prince. he decided not to shoot himself in the head.........but 30 years later he had to contend with the same people who didn't like him, they never came to an understanding, they would have fought forever regardless of the number of years. not to mention the family and friends this put-upon out-of-place cowboy neglected through the decades because he was always busy doing something else. this man had a collection of people in his life whom he treated shabbily, not just his ex-wife, and he couldn't ignore them any longer!!! they were all still alive, the chickens were coming home to roost, he couldn't escape his kin. he would have to confront that he just wasn't really that good of a person. that is another form of hell.

Luke: i'm convinced.   

THE THERAPIST UNDER THE WATERFALL: JANIS CHANGED MALLORY

Luke Russert: i don't trust therapists.

Tai: i'm merely your third therapist. your previous two did all the work, i'm here to bring it home.

Luke: yes. Papa Tim recommended female therapists for me, thought i'd have a breakthrough with the fairer sex rather than talking to some smelly dude.

Tai: that was smart.

Luke: Janis Joplin and Mallory Keaton from Family Ties were my therapists. we met HIGH in the bleachers of the Dodger game, so small was that diamond it was just blue dots on the field. Janis did all the talking.

Tai: *gauzy gauzy gauzy*

Janis Joplin: remember when i gave you those five dollars for Chicken McNuggets?

Luke: maybe?

Janis: it was last week. i have it jotted down here in my appointments book.

Tai: you're already a leg up on your way. 

Luke: how do you figure?

Tai: a woman's first crush is her first newsman on TV. women go gaga for newsmen because they know the news, they have a sense of what's going on in the world, that brings women stability. truth, no bullshit. if you know what's going on, you can better handle it. didn't you watch that '80s movie The Joy of Sex for guidance?...

crispy strips: Gotham City chicken.

Austin O'Brien: in Last Action Hero i'm a petulant child like Sasuke from Naruto. wait, nobody's as petulant as Sasuke!!!

Sasuke: oh, so THAT's where Naruto got the many eyes from...

Wings of Desire: when the color comes in, the eternal Ingmar Bergman black-and-white film turns into an '80s movie, which is weird...

Winchell's in the '80s: we didn't serve you pansies diet coffee. the parish priest couldn't have sex so he ate our donuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner or he wouldn't have had the distraction enough to will himself to give the homily each week.

Trump in the catering truck: this is worse, they're telling me i can't eat any of this greasy food...

James Spader on set: call me James Spider. 

Christian Bale: Dorsia Donuts, let's make this happen.

Rush: our lead singer is the "Warriors.........come out to PLAY-YAY!!!" guy...

Roger Federer: a two-week non-major tennis tournament? what's the point?

The Navy: we've REALLY hated skateboarders through the years...

baseball: summer's almost over, Dairy Queen, nobody cares about you anymore...

Tom Waits: for no man.

oncologist: you can trust me, look at the size of my biceps!!!

strawberry ice cream: that girl with the purple Jem hair and LARGE WIDE lime-green plastic hoop earrings pinching individually-wrapped caramel candy---the soft stuff, the soft candy---and cinnamon balls from fish bowls on a black-and-white-checkered floor at the neon candyshop on the third floor of the mall...

Jo Ann Pflug: it's rare and hot for two non-lesbian women who don't know each other to mouth-kiss...

Tai: but the story has a happy ending.

Luke: yes. they didn't help me but they helped each other. Janis didn't like her country and Mallory liked it too much. 

Tai: *gauzy gauzy gauzy*

Mallory Keaton: i helped Janis see that we could both agree that Chicken McNuggets were one good thing about America.

Janis Joplin: and i made Mallory see the error of the path she was going down.

Mallory: yeah, i didn't want to be a bitter ex-NFL sideline reporter. if Janis Joplin's magic was good enough for my hippie mother Elyse Keaton, i could play a tambourine naked in front of Michael J. Fox and not be ashamed. he's Canadian so it doesn't count, what does Alex P. Keaton know of my country?!!! 

 

THE THERAPIST UNDER THE WATERFALL: OMEN

 

Tai: i'm a sex therapist, not a whore.

Luke Russert: that's gonna be hard to remember. wait, who's paying for all this for me?

Tai: that would be your father.........Tim.........from beyond the grave.........

Luke: that makes sense.

Tai: did you find the place okay?

Luke: oh yes, you got a rad pad here!!! inside the cave of the first waterfall as you cross the border into Nepal.

Tai: most therapists have a statue from Tibet in their office, i decided to just make my office Tibet, that's how i free Tibet.

Bill Gates: tech, teach, get it?...

women: we're an omen.

Hallmark Movie villain: the guy who has no chance because he didn't grow up with her...

hero: while your mom was rotting in an Italian prison, i was taking our heroine to the prom in Idaho.

heroine: all women end up marrying their next-door neighbor from 3rd Grade...

Leslie Sbrocco closes her eyes, folds her hands like a napkin, and says grace at the dinner table.

Leslie Sbrocco: save PBS to save my tits. and Shorey Wesen's tits, amen.

Shorey Wesen hands folded at the table: you're a dirty old woman!!! i like that. you know i'm gonna replace you as host of Check, Please! when you're finally put out to pasture...

Donut Shop coffee: that STRONG coffee you got at Winchell's in the '80s: black. no cream, no sugar, turned your poo pewter.

Rollie Wesen: i look just like your dad with the shaggy hair, heavier, faded blue jeans, professor coat with the elbowpads, visiting from Maine to see you graduate from Princeton.

dad and me: well you don't have to rub it in!!!

dad: some of us weren't allowed to live...

Nine Inch Nails: we will finally cover Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" for the Bob Marley movie soundtrack. there's been a clamor for this for decades.

Trent Reznor: i might as well have my friend Dr. Dre join Nine Inch Nails. it's a seamless transition...

Jen R: why are there little tiny o-shaped curly hairs all in my bathtub?

me: those aren't my pubic hairs!!! my beard is shedding...

Adam Vinatieri: i joke like a Canadian.

Richard Scarry at Sesame Street: what do people do all day? people work and people play.

Lowly Worm in an apple (car): yeah, the LUCKY people can just play!!!

Shel Silverstein: i like going to Sesame Street, it's like when i wear my newsboy cap to Greenwich Village...

John Cusack: see even if your first idea for a drawn love story isn't Rhode Island School of Design material, if you crumple it up into a ball and shoot the ball IN the hoop trashcan, you feel better about yourself than if you missed the shot.

Demi Moore: even in the '80s women didn't eat chili dogs...

Perez Hilton: if only the surgery could remove the depression from my body...

Shereen Balles: if Northern Exposure ever decides to come back...

Anthony Bourdain in his secret kitchen: don't cook two separate things at the same time, trust me...

Tai: okay so i'm just gonna remove my robe here, get completely naked, lie on top of you, you are fully clothed of course.

Luke Russert: does this mean we're dating again?

Tai: it means the exact opposite, lost one. we couldn't do this stuff if we were dating!!! 

Luke: right, doctor/patient privilege. but i'm a newsman, i uncover confidentiality!!!

Tai: now i want you to not touch me in any way but just to FEEL.

Luke: feel you or feel me?

Tai: i feel you, i won't fail you, you gotta go deep inside yourself, your chakras are clogged, your peace has pores, your om is oily. you gotta relate with people until you can touch them in a nonsexual way. your emotions must be intimate first.

Luke: so i can only love women from afar?!!!

Tai: friendliness, not fondling. friendliness is the key. you gotta be friends first.

THE MAN WHO SLOWLY STOPPED TALKING: VANDERBILT VIM

 

Tai: so why have you stopped talking?

Luke Russert: i volunteered to be Gloria Vanderbilt's caregiver. she was getting on in years. as a favor for my fellow newsman buddy Anderson Cooper. i was all ready to hear the juicy stories, how Cameron Crowe had bought at auction the secret love letters Frank Sinatra penned for Gloria Vanderbilt. well i get there and she's a dry zucchini!!! she doesn't say ANYTHING!!! when you tell her something she forgets it one minute later. slowly i start to learn that it's useless trying to talk to her, i realize that it's better to just not talk anymore altogether...

Tai: oh come on, she wasn't that bad. why she did that thing just recently, right?...

*gauzy gauzy gauzy*

Gloria Vanderbilt: yes i am wearing the jeans. dears and gentlehearts i must tell you that just because you're old doesn't mean happy hour needs to end. a grandma can still have her strawberry margarita. so i petitioned on behalf of the people to have a law passed that continued serving alcohol at nursing homes. i drove up to my home in a Munsters buggy with my crate of Zima. Morrissey was there at my party.

Morrissey: this isn't my Uncola!!!

Gloria: that Morrissey, he's such a dear. he is so zany.

Anya Taylor-Joy: women don't Method-act because we have things to take care of and can't be assholes on set. 

Uta Hagen: that is very insightful, young woman. i am sorry for creating Nicolas Cage...

Andy Murray: now it's Chipotle jalapenos? now you'll REALLY never see my brother playing tennis again. is he my twin brother? Jamie is a girl's name.

Jamie Murray: i'm just the brother, why bother.

Cindy Lorenz: does this mean no Del Monte Center date?...

Safeway customer: can i talk to you about the troubles in my life?

Chola Butt: i mean not right at this moment. you know? i'm stacking the dental floss here. the floss that still has the wax. that's what a date is for.

Safeway customer: can we go on that date on your lunch hour?...

Christopher Nolan: okay but why am i THE ONLY PERSON who gets to do these things?...

Last Action Hero: the villain is Evil Prince Harry?

Evil Prince Harry: i've killed people smarter and younger than you. 

Austin O'Brien: i'm ten years old, that is such a weird sentence to say. you're saying you killed, like, Jimmy Neutron?

Charles Dance: i was born NOT to be a coalminer...

Glen Hansard: Irish sodabread is made of tears.

Marketa: it tastes like the swollen season...

pickleball: we tried to be cool and different like ping-pong or table tennis but it didn't work.

Nell Carter: i knew i was the fat lady. so i did it all in my 30s. i lived my whole life in my 30s: the Broadway fame, the TV show, the heavyset sex, the opera, the love.

Blossom's brother: you got your break...

Robert Redford: i didn't want the Hollywood fame. i just wanted to be the Gorton Fisherman and call it a day.

Caped Crusader: sometimes at night there are people in a museum who are there cleaning the glass case housing the crown jewels...

Shorey Wesen: my boyfriend looks like a Callum...

Luke Russert: where do i go from here?

Tai: you have to learn how to talk again. to women. as friends. i'll teach you...