FREE AIR: GOLFING WITH A JETPACK

 

Inogen on the phone with Santa: no tanks.

Santa on the phone with Inogen: no, thanks!!! thanks!!! i need more backpacks of air!!!

Santa drives Circe to the golf course in a golf cart.

Circe: on the freeway, that was so The Dude.

Santa: watch out for the blind turn around the footbridge.

Circe: don't worry, i have the padlock key. for years i was the only woman allowed at Augusta Golf Club. 

Mother Teresa wearing a dark-blue visor: but then they had to allow me in or they would have really gotten bad publicity...

Santa: with my new chrome backpack of air i can play a leisurely 3-hour round of golf!!!

Circe: that really is the way to do golf: drunkenly walking across the 18 holes in a zen state.

Santa: the rolling hills of grass. peeing in the bunkers. 

cats: they are sand after all. 

the Easter Bunny gives the peace sign with his two fingers, makes these two fingers his new bunny ears, then proceeds to pee in each golf hole.

Easter Bunny: not my fault, the pimento cheese here made my tail fall off.

Santa starts hitting petrified loaves of Easter bread off the tee with his silver golf club like they were golf balls.

Dr. Robbins: hitting a bucket of balls on a Friday, saves on therapy.

Circe: the fuck you doin'? you going in circles.

Santa: i mean does anybody ever actually eat Easter bread on Easter?

Jeff Baena pondering life in a small pit in the underworld: i don't begrudge the dude. 

Christopher Abbott: i tried to make it as tender and healing for her as possible. 

Jeff: yeah, right. you got Aubrey's baby, something i'd been after my whole life. but we never quite did get around to that. we never quite did cross that threshold.

Aubrey Plaza: if you had just been nicer to me in front of my parents that last Thanksgiving...

"Turn Around, Little Girl": you will CRY at this song. even if you don't have kids.

7-Eleven: what are those short rectangular napkins used for anyway?

Morrissey: those are skateboarder napkins!!!

bread bags: completely useless. can't keep them closed with that clover-shaped head. the worst bags ever conceived.

Sterling Holloway: i like to make love to Blanche's Europeanly-big butt on the Monorail.........i had to say this in an episode because Golden Girls was owned by Disney at the time...

blueberry cake: it's not moldy...

Billy Corgan: at the end of "Soma" that's me making cat sounds...

Larsa Pippen: four times a day during the Bulls dynasty. i always wondered what that fourth time was for...

Catherine O'Hara: i came to my brother in a dream after my death telling him he was welcome to stay over anytime at the new house i'm renovating right now at this moment...

Catherine O'Hara's brother: i wasn't sure it was Catherine at first because i didn't hear that sarcastic tone.

Catherine: also, i spoke to you clearly, not with garbled muffled symbology. that only happens when the ghosts are Canadian.

Mark Calcavecchia on his cellphone at The Masters: i don't have a car, i have a golf cart. i don't have time to spell my last name for you!!!

fuchsia: NOT Vaporwave...

Matthew Lillard: i was the first guy you saw after Kurt Cobain's suicide...

phlebotomist: we ain't mailmen, if it's raining hard we ain't coming!!!

Cuddles the comfort doll from Puppets Who Kill: at least the image in your head has permanently been changed to me on the cross, which is funny, rather than that poor "Closer" monkey.

Buddha in golf shorts: there can be no meditation without first peeing.

Circe: ready to take a break from this sterling round of yours?

Santa: but i've never played with a handicap.

Circe journeys to the center of the green dragging Santa by his trim ankles to a hot dog cart in the middle of the hole.

Circe: try these, they're my newest bake: Bacon Pockets. they're like Hot Pockets with bacon.

Santa starts chewing the bacon in the pocket loudly and savoringly.

Circe with a soft smile: i told you you tasted good...

FREE AIR: COKE CAKE

 

Santa and Circe are sitting down at Clint Eastwood's The Forge in the Forest restaurant to some lobster and Sprite.

Santa: with my backpack of air i can go to a restaurant and have a leisurely 3-hour lunch!!!

Circe: so what happened between you and Mrs. Claus?

Santa: she didn't want to go on a group date with me.

Circe: if a woman doesn't want to go on a GROUP DATE with you, she REALLY doesn't like you. who was the group date with?

Santa: the elves and Satan.

a waiter in a pink tux sets down a plate of Coke cake in the center of their date.

pink waiter: chocolate milk to wash it down with?

Santa: no thank you, old people like me and Circe don't like chocolate milk.

pink waiter with skateboard hair: i'm calling Meals on Wheels...

Santa: so the cake is made with Coke? how can soda turn into cake?

Circe in crocs: cake is magic like that. 

Santa chewing the cake loud: not bad. you know, let's steal this cake. i'm gonna put the cake in my backpack of air and let's scram, i got a plan. i got a place to go, follow me to the next place...

Jen R: you okay?

me: why?

Jen: you look like if Larry from The Three Stooges had a beard. 

me: you're saying i look weird or cool? no man has ever loved a woman more than i love you.

Jen: and no man has ever hated a city more than you hate Carmel. do you know how you know if you're depressed?

me: how.

Jen: when someone tells a joke, you don't laugh, you say "that's funny."

James Iha: "Mayonaise" shoulda been sung by me, not Billy. i wrote the song after all!!! it would have sounded like "Take Me Down..."

Stu: i've been accused of being a bot IRL, too. i'm used to my stuff not being promoted on platforms for being too real.

Invincible: yeah we bit off more than we could chew there making fun of Picard. we truly thought Invincible was better than Star Trek: The Next Generation but it's not...

Easter Bunny: you play the final basketball game for college the day AFTER Easter? no wonder that game is always poor, the players are all exhausted from worship and filling their bellies with chocolate bunnies, the spirit, and eggs.

the Artemis II crew sipping on pouches of CapriSun Moon Punch with thin flat straws: Pink Floyd playing in the capsule, not Pink Pony Club...

therapist: sorry i have to do this but try this new lip balm...

bacon in Reynolds wrap: Oakland's way.

a falconer waits outside a Petsmart to open at 9. a beautiful WINGSPAN black-with-red-mottled-dots falcon perches on his chainmail gauntlet. 

falconer: let's see if this is a REAL pet store. i gotta figure out why my falcon eats only birdseed, not meat. why is Dragon Ball Z music playing in my head?

Hallmark Channel: our movies are so magical we convince women it's possible to get back together with your ex-boyfriend in a romantic way!!!

Fernando Mendoza: i don't like to go out...

Santa: with this backpack of air i can now go to Safeway and have a leisurely 3-hour grocery shop!!!

Circe: you can drive there, too. buses are 3 hours long. 3 hours is not enough time to inspect EVERY new item at a grocery store.

Santa and Circe are at Safeway with a secret pink box on their head.

Santa: take this Coke cake, have the Safeway bakers in the back look at it to replicate the recipe.

Circe: use a spoon, not a spatula.

Santa: so YOU get the profits, not Clint Eastwood.

Liza smiling that Liza smile: i can stick it to the man by sticking it to THAT man? the man with no name but we all know him all too well.

Circe: go on any good dates lately, girlie?

Liza: oh yes. Andes chocolate creme-menthe mints go GREAT with coffee. my sister Jackie Fitzgerald got a spinach quiche here last morning. spinach quiche is what every middle-aged woman gives to a sick friend.  

 

FREE AIR: PHONK RADIO

 

Santa Claus is fiddling around with the phone calling Inogen.

Santa Claus: just tell me what i need to know, you faggots!!!

Circe enters Santa's house wearing a sarong and flatform shoes.

Santa: oh that is my favorite ensemble on a woman!!! makes a woman look so fucking SEXY.

Circe: any luck?

Santa: yeah i got my backpack of air in the mail this morning, can you help me insert the cannula into my nostrils?

Circe: no i actually think this is a radio. see, you plug the cannula inserts into your ears, they're like air buds.

Santa: omg i can hear PHONK on the radio!!!

Circe: yeah, Matt Pinfield. the knobs on your backpack of air are AM and AM2.

Santa: i'm a new man with this backpack of air in my life. i can go anywhere in town now!!! i need to get some new duds to compete with your threads if we're gonna paint the town red.

Circe: i think i'm a different generation from you, were you asking me out?

Santa: let's go to the mall, i need a WHOLE new wardrobe. 

Circe: yeah, red fluff is out. and itchy.

cats: when you fall asleep, you become just another bed...

church: the only community you got left...

Martin Short: i've had to lean on Meryl Streep more. don't call me Marty ever again.

harass: her ass.

Whitney Cummings: that's it, i got the gig, i'm the new The View co-host. you're back in love with me. i was ON FIRE this week!!!

Judas Iscariot: people confuse me with Lucifer...

blower: a classier way to say phone.

Humphrey Bogart: it's not what you think...

Maria Antonieta Collins: no i'm not fucking the pope. i'm more like his big sis.

Granny Zirconia from Sailor Moon: i'm the real Bloody Mary in the mirror.

Bloody Mary: your future husband will appear behind you in the mirror? well that's a lot nicer than getting a scratch on your cheek!!!

Instagram: hey guys, we're all gonna be single together!!!

RC Cola: you know it's the good stuff when the 12-pack rectangular prism paper carton is all tied together with scotch tape.

Bart Braverman: "How Do I Get from Here to There," that was a Godspell song which has since been lost to antiquity...

the less fortunate: a kind broad way to describe everyone in a halfway house.

Burger King fries: eat them without ketchup, trust me...

me: get off my lawn.

gardener: ...

me: oh, sorry.

friend: unload on me, in a soft voice tell me your problems...

Leslie Sbrocco: i look Jewish but i'm actually Christian...

Meet the Press: the show's not over until the moderator SLAMS her ringfinger on the glass roundtable.

respond in kind: that's not kind.

Puppets Who Kill: it's a Canadian institution.

Santa and Circe are at Millers Outpost in the mall.

Santa PULLS OFF the white security tag on the long short-sleeved shirt and immediately alarms overhead blare, lights on sidewalls flash, and RoboCop comes out from behind the olive-green changing-room curtain shooting lazers at Santa's belly!!!

Circe swoops in to shove Santa out of the way of the lazers.

Santa: what the fuck man, you've taken years off my life, i'm old now!!!

Circe: those things that look like plastic bones are security tags.

Winona Ryder: never rip them off.

Santa: i thought they were candy canes without the red stripe.

RoboCop: *in a robotic voice* halt, criminal. hands off the Hawaiian shirt. hands off the acid-washed ripped jeans.

Circe: i never understood that look for women, jeans with holes in the knees deliberately.

RoboCop: i make the kneeholes with my lazers.

Santa: i know you were just doing your job, you bucket of bolts. i look like you now but i am NOT you. the fright you gave me prolapsed my butthole. 

RoboCop, crying: i am not YOU either, stranger. you get phonk on your radio, i get police...

RoboCop: i can't go to Hawaii, the heat, saltwater, and sand will get in my circuits. 

Circe: sorry about the saltwater thing, that's my doing. can i make it up to you? do you have a penis i can suck?

RoboCop: that's my gun...

GOD'S SPELL: GOD'S PILL

 

Bart Braverman: come on, after experiencing Godspell don't you believe again? hasn't your faith been renewed anew?  the haunting songs, the lyrics that leave you weepy. don't you want to build the City of Man? those creepy cop cars at the end behind the electric fence who don't say a word, just shine their lights. "Day by Day" never left my imagination even after we carried Jesus's body around that corner blending back into the nameless faceless New York City crowd. we are all in Hell living on Earth. the dull ache of loneliness.

Debralee Scott: i believe in love at first show.

Bart: don't you feel earnest again?

Jonathan Frakes: i only believe in space. i only believe in going to the moon again.

Victor Garber as Jesus: you betrayed me for $440?

Jonathan Frakes as Judas: silver lasts longer than gold, right? that's what Pontius Pilate who was working for the Ferengi told me. 

Pasquale in Godspell: that was the Pasquale sign, not the okay sign...

Jonathan: hold on, this ain't Carnegie Mellon!!!

Bart: no it's San Francisco State, why do you think i'm wearing these hippie clothes?...

Suzy Lu: i'm pregnant. Kakashi's sperm was so powerful it broke through my barren womb!!!

Kakashi: my cum went Ultra Instinct.

Steejo: i can't hate. i can't be mad. i can't be jealous. it's a blessing, ya know?

Isa Briones: you hate my character on The Pitt, but that just means i'm a good actress!!! 

Rocket Romano: you feel me?

Nyambi Nyambi: see i'm a pro actor. this ain't a game, i can't change the channel like you. i immediately deleted the image of Dan Fielding from my brain and only thought of an elephant...

Matthew McConaughey: i guess that's what i'm doing this week, because i'm a celebrity, i'm sliding down glaciers in Norway with Bear Grylls.

Bear Grylls: with just boots, no ropes.

Bjork: people forget, i was trip-hop...

me: i'm sorry for being small, Brooke Trantor.

Brooke Trantor: *looks at my pants* both meanings.

Tricky: i'm the trip-hop Basquiat.

Ethos: see without Ethos, dad dies and your family is out on its ear, homeless and on the streets. affordable housing will come to your area when the mall becomes public domain, 70 years plus the life of Mickey Mouse.

dumped: the first Valley Girl word.

wandering through an IKEA: our grandfathers had better history than us, their furniture is wood with carvings of horses, ours is a white square. 

Chola Butt at Safeway: i really thought my big butt would serve me in other ways.

Liza: everyone takes a look at your big Spanish butt and assumes you're the one lifting all those heavy pallets of food crates out back. 

Chola Butt: my strength comes from my Spanish, not my butt. i wanted this butt to land me Hugh Grant!!! okay i'll settle for Bad Bunny.

Sphinx the cat: cats are lactose intolerant. don't believe those Tom & Jerrys from the 1940s with the saucer of milk on the windowsill. we had a bad history with cows. don't give us those puppuccinos from Starbucks, that's not for us!!!

Puppets Who Kill: it's either gonna be 1930s gangsters or a courtroom scene...

Jesus: or making fun of me. remember letters?

John Pattison: i saw Gerard Damiano's Let My Puppets Come as a junior in high school, it changed me...

Naked Doritos: it just isn't the same without the orange dust from the Moon.

seal: i yawn like a cat.

Sphinx: because it's cold in Antarctica. 

fly: all animals yawn, even insects, you just can't see our mouths.

James Cagney: i was the Marlon Brando of my time.

Jen R: look try this. do something you've never done in your life, put the RIGHT pantleg on first.

i do, and the wet spot from cum on my grey jogging pants disappears.

Jen: see? don't be like everyone else.

Debralee Scott and Bart Braverman undress each other, and while naked paint hippie makeup on each other's faces. the two make love in the rill for 11 hours, contorting their bodies together with such force and alacrity that they splash all the water out of the rill.

Debralee: our sex is the ultimate communal experience. i was outcast for having weird teeth, they called me Dental Lee Scott.

Jonathan Frakes: i'm happy for you two. holy fuck the hippie paint on both your faces never came off from the sloshing of the rill water!!! 

Bart: desperately searching for meaning as we're all here living on Earth.

Debralee: desperately holding onto Jesus's hand before Jesus lets go of your hand to hitchhike for the next bus.