WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: TAXI PUNCHBOWL

 

Louise Lasser: nobody puts out a punchbowl at a party anymore.

Jen R: i know, how do you expect people to put out? nobody puts a lampshade on their head anymore because there are no more lampshades, it's tragic.

Louise: nobody sets out a grandfather clock. grandfathers have to set out their goals...

Jen: what color is punch?

Louise: only red.

me: not necessarily.

i take a can of warm RC Cola and hold it to my face rubbing it all over my cheeks.

me, eyes closed: my mild prince.

Jen: you okay?

me in hushed tones: my only friend.

i pour the RC into the punchbowl to spike it.

Louise Lasser: me too. Taxi showed life how it really was, gritty and dark. Christmas isn't a time of jolly and giving, it's a DESPERATE DEPRESSING time. when you have no family. when you've disappointed every member of your family. when all your friends are gone because you're annoying. there are worse fates than being homeless. why does everyone ELSE have a healthy family during Christmas?!!! i had nowhere to stay. my ex-husband Judd Hirsch was kind enough after much noodging to allow me to crash on the couch at his apartment for the holidays. i would have preferred his bedroom but i didn't ask if he remarried...

Chicago: known for its cocoa...

Leonardo DiCaprio: pasta pasta and more pasta. Chef Boyardee is old enough to be my father...

Abe Vigoda: i'm Dracula with puppy-dog eyes.

canvas envelope: to be used only by Indiana Jones in the jungle to stuff cash in in the event of a witch-doctor emergency.

Bubblegum Crisis: to be watched only by those age 50 and older...

Boomers: when you think of the word Boomer, you never think of a woman...

Louise Laser conducts a seance alone in Judd Hirsch's NYC apartment on Christmas Eve that apparently only benefits herself. she's the only one who can hear the ghost voices.

Louise Lasser: i move my long slender bony witch fingers around and up and down every corner of the Ouija and spell out the word KOYAANISQATSI. my mother always said i would either die a witch or win a spelling bee. did you know Koyaanisqatsi was the first Enigma music video? there is no such thing as a Hopi curse, the Hopi are too enlightened for that. it was the first Sesame Street episode. the inspiration for the movies Working Girl, Hoop Dreams, and The Lathe of Heaven. that empty warehouse was used in a George Michael music video and a '90s season of The Real World. it was trying to show us that all those glass windows from Alexandria in Roman Egypt in 100 AD on should have been used as solar panels, we'd have enough energy now!!!

Suzy Lu: grab your sweeties. and your sweetie.

Steejo: ...

Kakashi: and your Wicked lemon popcorn.

ALF: if you were the little brother in the family of ANY '80s sitcom, you have NO CHANCE in life...

Death Note: someone's final message before death.

Jesus: an eternity with Scott Adams? but he's so annoying. i'd rather hang out with Dilbert, he doesn't say much, i can read his thoughts, he's a funny guy.

Dilbert: my tie represents my erect penis.

Garfield: corporate mismanagement? that's a liberal concept. that's a Berkeley concept. because of you, Scott Adams, newspaper readers flocked back to me!!!

T-Mobile: you're welcome, Scrubs fans...

Applebee's: we present our burgers cut down the middle and then the two halves are placed face-down side-by-side on the plate. it's so BIZARRE you'll forget you gave up burgers for life.

vamoose: mousse pie.

Benji Gregory: i mean you'd think ALF would be the one to overheat.

leave the pot: of coffee, this ain't a marijuana deal at Denny's!!!

Judge Harold T. Stone: that's not Marilyn Monroe, that's Jean Harlow...

at one of those impromptu Christmas parties where you never know who's gonna knock at the door next...

Louise Lasser: yes i'm noodging God. God needs it. i mean why bother listening to the prayers of the Ice Capade babes, they have it made. 

Jen R: yeah, they work with the Smurfs.

Louise: i want a New Year's kiss from my husband Judd Hirsch, ON THE LIPS. i want to go back to how things used to be. let's pretend we're still a family. that nothing has changed. that everything is stable and light. and will be that way for the next 60 years.

Ignatowski: my name sounds like John Belushi in a frat toga who lives in Ancient Rome. i was a student at Harvard with a mind sharper than Timothy Leary's. then i ate ONE pot brownie. ONE. fucked my mind up to the point where all i do now is blurt out incoherently brilliant fragments of thought. my brain is frenzied up and down. i speak like i've always just had a can of Mountain Dew.

me: story of my life.  

Ignatowski: yeah so let me tell you about the dream i had last night. i'm with Billy Idol, he's behind the curtain just about to go on stage.

Billy Idol: yeah. and the crowd is chanting SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, it's all they seem to want. as their rock god i can't go around disappointing my people so i run through that curtain, get out there on that stage, bathe in the frayed light of the spotlight, and sing "Eyes Without A Face..."

Louise Lasser: my monologues are long and frantic. who left that stain on the wall? is that wall stain poo or the pot brownie?

Abe Vigoda: it can be both. sorry. i was already an old man in the '70s...

Louise: remember guys, TWO SHEETS of toilet paper is the limit. get all your caca out on two sheets.

Jen: yeah. if the toilet floods no one gets regular brownies for dessert...

WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: KOYAANISQATSI

 

we've come back from the Mrs. Roper Romp in Hermosa Beach. Kurt Cobain was our guide.

me: you're the coolest guide ever, Kurt.

Jen R: yeah man, can you do my spirit walk for me?

Kurt Cobain: ain't no thing, i was wearing sundresses LONG before anyone else was into it.

me: i admit, i was a little hesitant at first wearing this caftan, but it has such nice fish on it. silk fish from a Seattle flying monger?

Jen: no, Abe Vigoda's head.

Mrs. Roper: parties are the time to come clean about your life. Abe Vigoda stuck his hairy bald head under my caftan and gave me my first cunt-suck. i know he looks like a sad vampire but i had to do it. i mean i couldn't ask Stanley to do it, he would have no idea what that was!!!

Victor Wembanyama: i am Frankenstein. well Frankenstein's monster. i was named after my father...

Kurt Cobain: you know "Smells Like Teen Spirit" COULD have been a stadium anthem if we had played it live enough...

Roger Federer: okay. fine. i'll be the sole lone donor for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting to re-up itself again. it's a lonely job but somebody's gotta do it. just use all the money in my Swiss bank account that's NOT secret in a cave under a snow mountain. in a frozen box. not frozen assets. like my money's in a real bank, the bank next to the mall where i live in Basel. i didn't want to be a tennis coach anyway...

Philip Glass kissing me while playing a glass piano: call Koyaanisqatsi Nestle Quik for quick reference.

racy: not racist.

Talia: the catnip really helps with my zoomies at 3AM...

Fernando Mendoza: i'm that Goonies kid who grew up.

Pee-wee Herman: look out for those letters in the white cardboard envelope, we get a lot of those delivered to the Playhouse.

Pluto TV: our website looks like a bad 1950s sci-fi movie at the drive-in with the red-and-blue paper-and-saran wrap 3D glasses.

Pizzapalooza: Trent Reznor as a grandfather drenched in mud slipping all over the field...

Trent Reznor: it's not war mud but we were a different generation.

steak knife: a butter knife that actually cuts.

cow: you had no idea that thing in front of a train was for me...

Rod Serling: okay we'll play ONE tennis match to determine who's the spookier storyteller.

Alfred Hitchcock: did you say TENSION match? i can't wear that cool red-white-and-blue headband that makes your shaggy long '70s hair so Bjorn Borg.

Rod: because you're British?

Alfred: because i'm bald. it's not fair, look at me, what do you think will happen when i reach up to hit an overhead smash?...

Rod: is this part of your script? fat people wear jeans, too. tennis is played in jeans, right?

Anthony Bourdain: i became famous at age 44. i didn't live long enough to enjoy it...

R.E.M.: we're The Grateful Dead of the '90s...

Kurt Cobain watches the feature presentation at the Hermosa Beach shoebox theatre next to the beach with his thick black eyeglasses.

Jen: so Smiths.

Kurt: i'm really relishing my new role as film reviewer for the New York Times. 

me: so how was Koyaanisqatsi?

Jen: tell us all about it, big guy.

Kurt Cobain: Koyaanisqatsi is the first Vaporwave video. it's the first Off the Air episode. the first Hello Meteor music video. the first IMAX ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. the first wide pan overhead shot of a supermarket...

 

DOMESTIC BLISS: PRECIOUS PAWS

 

Trinity the cat: ever notice when you're doing our litter?

me: sure, those two or three TINY pebbles of litter on the outside edge of the box.

Talia the cat: that's magic dust. those are made by PRECIOUS PAWS. when you see that on the edge, make a wish that you are carried AWAY from the edge.

Jen R: i hear music.

Talia: good catch, woman. when you're SIFTING THE SAND BACK AND FORTH in the litter box that's the chorus of the Vaporwave song HOME "Resonance..."

Voyage of the Rock Aliens: before Bill & Ted...

Jackie: you got a new truck?

Walker: i guess.

Jackie: how'd you afford it?

Walker: i don't know.

Jackie: but you ride ME.

Bowen Yang: emotional dysregulation.

Cher: what even is that?

Bowen: you wouldn't understand, queen, you had Sonny to balance you out. i got no one. i got Jennifer Coolidge but she insists on being Chloe Fineman.

Jimmy Eat World: the middle.

Bowen: that band was one generation before my time. i'm dating Drake.

Chris Redd: we SNL alums MUST stick together or the world doesn't make sense. i had a pill problem and only Kenan Thompson's wife could fill my prescriptions. i am SO sorry, Kenan, i am ASHAMED of what i did to my fellow comedy combatant going out there in these dangerous times fearlessly telling jokes about powerful people.

Kenan Thompson: don't say you looked up to me. don't say i helped you when you were a comedy rookie. invited you into my home, my wife fed you pesto lasagna. don't say you used to watch me on All That.

Kenan: i was your "unknown assailant" at the Comedy Cellar in New York in October of 2022.

Chris: now that's funny.

Victor Wembanyama: my favorite movie: Karate Kid...

Jason Presson: why did i quit acting? i had the acting chops, man!!! but you know, losing River Phoenix, that fucked me pretty good. i never recovered from that. it's like losing Mark Blatty as your best friend, you know?

walkie-talkies: boys in the '80s didn't need the internet!!!

grandfather: why did original Listerine look like piss? all those lonely nights by myself brushing my own teeth!!!

Xyber 9: New Dawn: if Ralph Bakshi had been on Jetix...

Xyber 9: the actual character of just C3PO's head...

Trump: sinks to new low.........my approval ratings, just my approval ratings...

coleslaw: without the sauce it's sofrito.

Bill Daily on ALF: i'm the MOST SENSITIVE THERAPIST you'll ever have. Mister Rogers thinks i'm soft. my body is too skinny for baseball. cuddle inside my sweater. Bill Daly looks better on the page...

MTV's Undressed: Red Shoe Diaries without the tits...

Miami Hurricanes: the 7-Eleven team...

Miami: we're moving on.

Tubbs: do i need to get involved here? see the jheri curl was actually a symbol of TOUGHNESS.

Miami: not from a bad breakup, into the championship round...

Jen takes me to an obscure theatre in Monrovia, CA, out in the middle of nowhere.

me: goths don't take to the desert.

Jen R: it's worth it, follow me, that screen over there. 

me: the little moviehouse Kurt Cobain is entering now? 

Kurt Cobain: opening the door and crawling under.

Jen: i mean what are the chances?

Kurt sits right in front of us in the row with his feet up.

Kurt: ripped jeans and faded skateboard shoes up.

Jen: okay dude, we'll watch your feature first.

Kurt leaves the theater giddy and brimming with topics to talk about the way we all were after a movie in the '80s...

Kurt Cobain: Solarbabies. Bodhi is such a cool name, perfect for a quick note. it was like 1984 for kids. this movie taught the Power Rangers how to rollerblade. this movie finally made hockey popular. Kenny Loggins wrote "Danger Zone" for this as the doomy dirge it was meant to be, electronica, not an America-fueled soaring rock 'n' roll stadium anthem that's hopeful. Smokey Robinson made me believe in love again with his Giorgio Moroder love song. all ballads need to be listened to by a lake at sunset. the GHASTLY way they treated that ball. the villainess was in The Human League, right?

we stay in the dry hot musty room to see that one lost episode of It's a Living on the big screen.

i kiss Jen because.........is there ever a reason NOT to kiss Jen?!!!

me: get your Coke, your sweeties, your popcorn, your chewy chowder, your tampon the size of a brick, your thin panty, your light glasses, your key to the bathroom, your medicine, if you take your medicine don't forget your apple juice...

Jen: .........and some pretzel sticks.

me: i can't believe you found this episode!!! it's copyright-blocked from ALL online lists because of the cool soul music in it.

Nancy Wilson: the jazz singer, not the other one. i sing with all my heart...

Jen: "The Ginger's Mother Show." how i'm gonna miss this show now that i've seen ALL the episodes. seeing Gail Edwards's TITS on the silver screen in that waitress getup is really something to behold!!!

DOMESTIC BLISS: QUORUM

 

Jen and i make it at the last minute to the PG&E community meeting, the door was about to close on our faces. inside the skinny hall above the only table is a giant sign which reads:

DID PG&E RUIN CHRISTMAS?

PG&E: it wasn't our fault there was an atmospheric river on Christmas Day. 

Santa: a power outage ON Christmas Day?!!! come on, dude.

PG&E: despite what you read in the news, we don't control the weather.

Santa: i've seen their switch at the North Pole!!!

PG&E: we did all the necessary prep. we cut the heads off all the trees.

Jen R: bit drastic don't you think? those poor trees. and besides you didn't touch any of the Christmas trees on the lot so what was the point of harming nature like that?

PG&E: btw, turning all the lights off in your house won't prevent a power outage. waste of time.

Jen: and energy. more later.

PG&E: i'm counting heads. and this meeting didn't officially happen...

me: i just found out air fryers don't actually fry the food.

Jen: so no donuts?

me: this has left me SHATTERED. 

Jen: relax. without taking a muscle relaxant.

me taking Motrin: i am DEVASTATED by this news.

Jen: you hear that song in the background? it's coming from the 8-track in my backpack.

me: that backpack is a dangerous weapon here. the power of music.

Jen: it's Foreigner "Waiting for a Girl like You."

me: shouldn't it be "waiting ON a girl like you"?

Jenny Baranick: only if you're some kind of man.

Jen R: this was the first Vaporwave song...

Bowen Yang: the middle, i hear it...

Lifetime Soul movies: you're never too old to find love.........maybe too old to have sex and have kids. but never too old to find love...

Christine Bullock: imagine Miley Cyrus as a grown-up lady...

Popeye: i want a veggie wrap all over my body to remove my toxins.

Olive Oyl: Popeye is such a rad name. if you had been called Squinty that would have sucked.

Popeye: i wanna be naked inside spinach.

AI: call me Data Claus...

Shelley Duvall: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall. and i'm a Jacksonville Jaguars fan...

Trevor Lawrence: look at my hair. now imagine me on Faerie Tale Theatre as a Medieval pageboy...

Shelley: and it's queer because your name is more like a knight or king.

new pope: the Seattle Seahawks are gonna win the Super Bowl...

Pope Bob: why is there this new pope/Seahawks connection?

Kurt Cobain: all the flying fish...

Noah Wyle: see i wanted to keep doing ER but nobody else wanted to...

Round Table: are you willing to pay $50 for a pizza?

Burger King: we can still have snow and rolling hills and green fir trees on our bags and cups, it's January but it's still winter...

tankard: in a tavern.

Richard Dawson: i kissed THE MOUTHS of all the contestants. we lived in an open society back then, loving and free and exchanging. nowadays everybody keeps their mouths closed because of covid. it's a closed society, suspicious and wary and mean.

Coke: that little bit at the bottom of the McDonald's cup is just the melted ice...

The Gay Shoe Clerk: he was happy after that...

i take a deep breath for the first time and get up on that community stage.

me: see you never talk about wanting to die when you're sick. physically sick. when you're physically sick all you want to do is get better. you want the headaches to go away. you want that stomach bug to fly off out of your body. fly, flu!!! you only talk about wanting to die when you're HEALTHY. physically healthy at least.

PG&E drags me out of the room by my heels.

Jen R: but he's right. yes i'll be his legal guardian for the day. which room is he in?