DOMESTIC BLISS: QUORUM

 

Jen and i make it at the last minute to the PG&E community meeting, the door was about to close on our faces. inside the skinny hall above the only table is a giant sign which reads:

DID PG&E RUIN CHRISTMAS?

PG&E: it wasn;t our fault there was an atmospheric Roger o Chrostmas Day. 

Santa l a power outage ON crystals Day?!!! come on, dude.

PG&E: despite what you read in the news, we don;t control the weather.

SataL I;ve seen their switch at the North Pole!!!

PG&E: we did all the necessary rep. we got the heads off all the trees.

Jen RL Bo drastic don't you think? those poor trees. and vessel  you didn;t touch any of the frosted trees on the ot so what was the point of harming Natire Ike that?

PG&Ep btw, thorning Al;l the lights off in your house won't; prevent a posers our, ste of time.

jenL an energy, more elate.

PH*&: I;m counting heads, this meeting didn't officially happen...

me: I just found out for frosted only actual fry the food.

jenL so no donuts?

me: this has left me DGSTTETED. 

Jen: r;AC. without taking a miscjel relaxant.

me talking Motryin: I am DEVSDTST y those news.

jenL you hear that song in the background> it;s form my Dis man in my backpack.

me: that backpack is a dangerous weapon her,e the power of suic.

Jen: it;s Firehole MNR :Waotong for a Gurl Ike You."

me; shouldn't it be "aero g ON a girl like you."

Jenny BaranbicjL if out;e one long of man.

Jen Rl this is the first Vapowve song...

Boner YngL he middle , I hear it...

Lifetime Fiul movies: your;e never too old to find love.........maybe too old to have sex and have kids. bot never too old to find love...

DOMESTIC BLISS: HERMIT-BORN

 

Jen and i make it to the top of the mountain. the trip takes all day, all the sunlight's been burned out.

hermit: all connected.

me: i never asked for this. i didn't want a life of loneliness. i wanted to find someone like everyone else.

hermit: then why the fuck are you here? to find yourself? do you know how long that takes? it takes at least three lifetimes to find yourself, and by then THAT someone is not the someone you are now.

Jen R: is there a bar up here? what do you do when you want a drink because you made the wrong life decision? 

hermit: bottles are easily stored in the cave. but i have no money, remember? no wisdom was ever gained alone.

Jen: hey, between you and me, you can whisper it in my ear: you know how to fly, right? 

hermit: let me let you two in on a little secret: all hermits want to die.

Michael Weiss: the most devastating thing you can call someone is your IG friend...

Alexa: i'm the real Santa Claus...

doors: without doors, there would be no civilization.

Jen: both meanings, there would be no society. but there would also be fighting all the time with no chance for a break...

Italian wedding soup: don't put carrots in it, that's just weird.

any misspelled word: look up that misspelled word, it's the name of a company...

Walker: can i see you naked now? can i see your butt and breasts?

Jackie: Walker honey, remember, it takes a lifetime of waiting for the dick-suck to be good...

Sam Wawrinka: Love, Your Mind...

Joel Brooks: imagine Groucho as a porn star.

DraftKings: we're here at the Premier League taking the piss as you piss your life away gambling on soccer matches. double up those braces. no Guinness needed, you're in too deep, you should have chosen darts.

Maya Rudolph: why didn't i sleep with people at SNL? why didn't i flirt with people at SNL?.........oh right, it was like Adam Sandler, so...

Scott Weiland: yes that's me in the threesome on the desert hill in the Smashing Pumpkins "Today" music video...

Faerie Tale Theatre "The Princess and the Pea."

Shelley Duvall: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall. which parasol was the best?

Liza Minnelli: you never knew i had such nice tits. i got a great pair of LUNGS. for singing SHOWTUNES with!!!

Tom Conti: *famous scoff* it's just, with all due deference, but i bagged a REAL princess: Princess Diana.

Tim Kazurinsky: i was Sling Blade in real life...

Willie Geist: once again children are playing dominoes in their homes. they're realizing their parents aren't coming home from work to save them, their parents have no clue as to the godawful world we find ourselves in. 

Ira Glass: you're trying way too hard to have a soft voice, bro.

Melissa Maker: clean the INSIDE of things...

Ben Nighthorse Campbell: a lot of secret stuff happens in the Senate. let's just say I was responsible for keeping Northern Exposure on the air for as unusually long as it was given how strange and convoluted it was...

Blue Exorcist: we are gonna FORCE you to like Shima if it kills us!!!

Caron Bernstein: inevitably i came.........back to him...

T.J. Watt: don't fix a collapsed lung with a CPAP mask, it doesn't work, i've tried it. dry needling is not alternative-medicine pseudoscience quackery. it's better than wet needling which is just spaghetti. no wait that's wet noodling.

new Baltimore Ravens kicker: you know when your mind is in an endless spiraling nightmare loop?...

Justin Tucker: all i'm saying is i would have made that field goal...

Jen R: so now what do we do up here? a cloud just went in my mouth, it tasted like cotton candy!!!

hermit: there is one prized possession up here. explains why the world is how it is.

Jen in her Katharine Hepburn voice: ah yes, the Keeper of the Flame. in the Ark of the Covenant.

Martin Page holding a pickax: ... 

FLOWER STATION: ROOM-SIZED BED OF ROSES

 

Angie: what?

Brad: you're ashamed of me.

Angie: how so?

Brad: you never want me to be seen around pink posies. with pink posies. i can never be swimming in pink posies. you don't think i'm a man, you think i'm a sissy.

Angie: no that's not it. you're allergic to pink posies.

Brad: i am?

Angie: see? i know you better than you know yourself. i notice things about you you miss. that's how much i love you.

Brad: mom always said i wasn't a man, i was a mollusk, but i think she was talking about my hair...

Trinity, Talia, and Greykid on New Year's Eve wearing cat-size party hats with NO string: countdown cats...

McDonald's: our hamburgers are locally-grown...

McDonald's: when the Coke sits out for an hour and starts to taste like brown dishwater...

Melissa Maker: don't wear 2026 glasses for New Year's, wear 6-7 glasses.

Dolly Parton: watermelon milk...

Japan: ...

RC: the MELLOW cola. the cola that won't fuck you up like Diet Coke, trick you like Coca-Cola Classic, cheat you like Pepsi.

Greece: we celebrate the New Year at 30 past the hour...

Showtime in the '90s: Red Shoe Diaries was The Outer Limits without the sci-fi...

cowboys: we'll NEVER eat garlic.

Melissa Maker: you can't be fun and a divorced mom.

starting school.

for a well-worn weary college student after Christmas break: a drag. the dregs. get out of that PhD program with a dirt excuse and become a hippie.

for a child entering preschool never having gone to school before: terrifying. hideous. grotesque. is this what life is gonna be like?...

Matt Pinfield: MTV may be going dark, but i'll always be your pasty Uncle Fester giving you bands like Helmet and Sunny Day Real Estate. the show is now called The Fastest 3 Minutes In Music and is YouTube-only but you can't kill the good music!!! you can't pretend the good stuff doesn't exist. you can't global local. you can't imagine indie as a dream...

Temple of the Dog "Hunger Strike": i don't mind stealing bread from the mouths of decadence. except the Wonder Bread mascot, he seems sad. fire's on the table, the Thai-chicken curry soup's cooking. blood is on the table, we're overworking...

Bernie Sanders: i wrote a children's book about billionaires but that's neither here nor there. i filled my nose with the savory smell of fresh urban coffee, for the first time in 60 years i can walk the streets of New York City again...

Mamdani: the city coffee is back to being dirty, not corporate.

the room in the back is 3/4 FILLED with a bed of long-stem red roses leaving air at the top of the ceiling for the two naked lovers to rest their weary knees.

Brad: we need to keep our knees soft.

Angie slowly sensuously removes Brad's Christmas sweater.

Angie: you're the first man ever to take off his ugly Christmas sweater and then fuck.

Brad with squirmy eyes: what technique are you using?

Angie: i watched Jackie suck off Walker.

Walker: i figured with all the crazy stuff i do---eyes of a homeless man, blond stubble beard, walking Falkor the dog no-leash just holding on to his collar, riding my noisy oversize metal motorcycle all over town---that would one day lead to getting my dick sucked.

Jackie Fitzgerald: you have the wizened eyes of someone who is not computer literate.

Walker: slobber all over my cock for 2 hours, that's what i was thinking. i don't know, i'm new to this relationship thing.

Jackie: sucking a man's cock is an art passed down from mother to daughter, learned and honed after many years, many generations.  

Walker: you promised i could move your head with my hand ONCE. that's when i knew you were my lady.

Jackie: slow. deepthroat. using my own old-lady spit. let the man know you appreciate that he's at least TRYING to be macho. make that dick-suck his reward for a LIFETIME of his trying. 

Walker: until i REALLY cum.

Angie: oh Brad, by the way, Walker is your father.

 

FLOWER STATION: CATHOLIC CHOCOLATE

 

Brad: jeez, just because we're in a relationship doesn't mean you're the boss of me.

Angie: just come up to the counter please, i want to show you the hydrangeas.

Brad: oh yeah, they're like blue LUSH bath bombs.

Angie: now what is the root word of hydrangea?

Brad: ...

Angie: have you been watering them? keeping them HYDRATED?

Brad: no, i figured it's in the name, they get rain from within.

Angie: have you been giving them sunlight?

Brad: Safeway has a sunroof, right?

Angie: i worry about you, man, you keep the scissors OPEN in your toolbelt, the blades are right next to your penis.

Brad: nothing achieves the STRAFING effect of the ribbon, only smoothing it with an open-bladed scissors can do that. 

Jen R: 2026, that is such a year From The Future, you know? like in the '80s when we thought of "the future," we thought of the year 2026...

Jen R: you know if you had to apologize to me, i'm not a flowers girl is what i'm saying.

me: what then?

Jen: chocolate. give me a box of those chocolate bars we had to sell for St. Cyril's in the '80s, remember? they were cool. LONG SKINNY sectioned-off bars of light-brown chocolate with those BIG-ASS pistachios hidden inside the chocolate in the white-sleeve cigar wrappers. sponsored by the mob. green nuts scared me as a child, i thought they were radioactive.

me: want me to jog the original Jogathon course around our K-8 school?

Jen: sure, the chalk outline is still there, it never rains in L.A....

Coffee Flakes: a Tim & Eric breakfast food.

Harry & David: we LOVE that manger hay...

Bach: sadly, if i go to the beach, my skin will burn. Brach's caramels melt in the sun.

Shorey Wesen is fucking Gordon Ramsay in the wine cellar. they are both naked as they do this.

Gordon Ramsay: there you go, daring, there it is, my French onion dip all over your body.

Shorey: your cock is still dripping cum. what is that, your Hidden Valley Ranch?

Gordon: not anymore.

Shorey: why don't you come on my grandpa Jacques Pepin's cooking show?

Gordon: he's the only French man i fear.

ambiverts: we're the ones writing our novels at the party.

PBS: our good stuff is at 11PM...

pizza: a large quiche.

Weezer "Buddy Holly": this whole time you thought the lyric was that's fu-u-ucked up..."

Luke Russert: i look like if Shemp had a mustache now.

Robert Reich: i nearly spit out my coffee when i read these numbers.........Berkeley is known for its coffee, Berkeley has these severe dark Eastern European coffeehouses...

New Year's: ain't nobody got time for your year-end best-of 1-10 collections!!! it's New Year's, people are busy!!!

Jess Elena: not a porn star.

wasting time: you either have too much time or not enough time, these are the two types of wasting time, either way you're wasting time...

Rafael Eisenman: i look like Arnold Schwarzenegger OFF steroids.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: i subtly am the richest man in the world...

Jami Gertz: i had NO idea when i was in the dirt doing Solarbabies that i'd end up like this...

Nespresso: steampunk coffee pods...

Tatiana Schlossberg: i don't know what death is, but i'll keep trying to remember...

Kennedy Curse: i am a real quantifiable celestial curse.

Tatiana: whenever there's another ocean that's saved, i'll be there...

Brad: you a candy girl when it comes to forgiveness?

Angie: um, flowers.

Brad: makes sense. you know what my favorite candy is? those bubblegum cigars.

Angie: oh yeah, but they're only at baby showers.

Brad: yeah, i can never taste them because men don't go to baby showers.

Angie: tell you what, let me blindfold you with this sunflower blindfold here and i'll give you a taste of that baby shower life. hint hint. just like they do at reveal parties...

Angie slowly wraps the fold over Brad's eyes, sensually cuts the bubblegum cigars into sections with the open scissors away from his view, and sexily feeds the bubblegum cigars into Brad's wet mouth.

Brad chews slowly, savoring each bite, smelling the sugar.

Brad: yummy. 

Angie: you're the first man to describe gum as yummy.

Brad: wait, these are the blue cigars, right? blueberry? not bubblegum.

Angie: yeah so?

Brad: alright i've just about HAD ENOUGH of all this!!! i see what's going on around here!!!