WHEN THE TRAINS STOP RUNNING: KOYAANISQATSI

 

we've come back from the Mrs. Roper Romp in Hermosa Beach. Kurt Cobain was our guide.

me: you're the coolest guide ever, Kurt.

Jen R: yeah man, can you do my spirit walk for me?

Kurt Cobain: ain't no thing, i was wearing sundresses LONG before anyone else was into it.

me: i admit, i was a little hesitant at first wearing this caftan, but it has such nice fish on it. silk fish from a Seattle flying monger?

Jen: no, Abe Vigoda's head.

Mrs. Roper: parties are the time to come clean about your life. Abe Vigoda stuck his hairy bald head under my caftan and gave me my first cunt-suck. i know he looks like a sad vampire but i had to do it. i mean i couldn't ask Stanley to do it, he would have no idea what that was!!!

Victor Wembanyama: i am Frankenstein. well Frankenstein's monster. i was named after my father...

Kurt Cobain: you know "Smells Like Teen Spirit" COULD have been a stadium anthem if we had played it live enough...

Roger Federer: okay. fine. i'll be the sole lone donor for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting to re-up itself again. it's a lonely job but somebody's gotta do it. just use all the money in my Swiss bank account that's NOT secret in a cave under a snow mountain. in a frozen box. not frozen assets. like my money's in a real bank, the bank next to the mall where i live in Basel. i didn't want to be a tennis coach anyway...

Philip Glass kissing me while playing a glass piano: call Koyaanisqatsi Nestle Quik for quick reference.

racy: not racist.

Talia: the catnip really helps with my zoomies at 3AM...

Fernando Mendoza: i'm that Goonies kid who grew up.

Pee-wee Herman: look out for those letters in the white cardboard envelope, we get a lot of those delivered to the Playhouse.

Pluto TV: our website looks like a bad 1950s sci-fi movie at the drive-in with the red-and-blue paper-and-saran wrap 3D glasses.

Pizzapalooza: Trent Reznor as a grandfather drenched in mud slipping all over the field...

Trent Reznor: it's not war mud but we were a different generation.

steak knife: a butter knife that actually cuts.

cow: you had no idea that thing in front of a train was for me...

Rod Serling: okay we'll play ONE tennis match to determine who's the spookier storyteller.

Alfred Hitchcock: did you say TENSION match? i can't wear that cool red-white-and-blue headband that makes your shaggy long '70s hair so Bjorn Borg.

Rod: because you're British?

Alfred: because i'm bald. it's not fair, look at me, what do you think will happen when i reach up to hit an overhead smash?...

Rod: is this part of your script? fat people wear jeans, too. tennis is played in jeans, right?

Anthony Bourdain: i became famous at age 44. i didn't live long enough to enjoy it...

R.E.M.: we're The Grateful Dead of the '90s...

Kurt Cobain watches the feature presentation at the Hermosa Beach shoebox theatre next to the beach with his thick black eyeglasses.

Jen: so Smiths.

Kurt: i'm really relishing my new role as film reviewer for the New York Times. 

me: so how was Koyaanisqatsi?

Jen: tell us all about it, big guy.

Kurt Cobain: Koyaanisqatsi is the first Vaporwave video. it's the first Off the Air episode. the first Hello Meteor music video. the first IMAX ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. the first wide pan overhead shot of a supermarket...

 

DOMESTIC BLISS: PRECIOUS PAWS

 

Trinity the cat: ever notice when you're doing our litter?

me: sure, those two or three TINY pebbles of litter on the outside edge of the box.

Talia the cat: that's magic dust. those are made by PRECIOUS PAWS. when you see that on the edge, make a wish that you are carried AWAY from the edge.

Jen R: i hear music.

Talia: good catch, woman. when you're SIFTING THE SAND BACK AND FORTH in the litter box that's the chorus of the Vaporwave song HOME "Resonance..."

Voyage of the Rock Aliens: before Bill & Ted...

Jackie: you got a new truck?

Walker: i guess.

Jackie: how'd you afford it?

Walker: i don't know.

Jackie: but you ride ME.

Bowen Yang: emotional dysregulation.

Cher: what even is that?

Bowen: you wouldn't understand, queen, you had Sonny to balance you out. i got no one. i got Jennifer Coolidge but she insists on being Chloe Fineman.

Jimmy Eat World: the middle.

Bowen: that band was one generation before my time. i'm dating Drake.

Chris Redd: we SNL alums MUST stick together or the world doesn't make sense. i had a pill problem and only Kenan Thompson's wife could fill my prescriptions. i am SO sorry, Kenan, i am ASHAMED of what i did to my fellow comedy combatant going out there in these dangerous times fearlessly telling jokes about powerful people.

Kenan Thompson: don't say you looked up to me. don't say i helped you when you were a comedy rookie. invited you into my home, my wife fed you pesto lasagna. don't say you used to watch me on All That.

Kenan: i was your "unknown assailant" at the Comedy Cellar in New York in October of 2022.

Chris: now that's funny.

Victor Wembanyama: my favorite movie: Karate Kid...

Jason Presson: why did i quit acting? i had the acting chops, man!!! but you know, losing River Phoenix, that fucked me pretty good. i never recovered from that. it's like losing Mark Blatty as your best friend, you know?

walkie-talkies: boys in the '80s didn't need the internet!!!

grandfather: why did original Listerine look like piss? all those lonely nights by myself brushing my own teeth!!!

Xyber 9: New Dawn: if Ralph Bakshi had been on Jetix...

Xyber 9: the actual character of just C3PO's head...

Trump: sinks to new low.........my approval ratings, just my approval ratings...

coleslaw: without the sauce it's sofrito.

Bill Daily on ALF: i'm the MOST SENSITIVE THERAPIST you'll ever have. Mister Rogers thinks i'm soft. my body is too skinny for baseball. cuddle inside my sweater. Bill Daly looks better on the page...

MTV's Undressed: Red Shoe Diaries without the tits...

Miami Hurricanes: the 7-Eleven team...

Miami: we're moving on.

Tubbs: do i need to get involved here? see the jheri curl was actually a symbol of TOUGHNESS.

Miami: not from a bad breakup, into the championship round...

Jen takes me to an obscure theatre in Monrovia, CA, out in the middle of nowhere.

me: goths don't take to the desert.

Jen R: it's worth it, follow me, that screen over there. 

me: the little moviehouse Kurt Cobain is entering now? 

Kurt Cobain: opening the door and crawling under.

Jen: i mean what are the chances?

Kurt sits right in front of us in the row with his feet up.

Kurt: ripped jeans and faded skateboard shoes up.

Jen: okay dude, we'll watch your feature first.

Kurt leaves the theater giddy and brimming with topics to talk about the way we all were after a movie in the '80s...

Kurt Cobain: Solarbabies. Bodhi is such a cool name, perfect for a quick note. it was like 1984 for kids. this movie taught the Power Rangers how to rollerblade. this movie finally made hockey popular. Kenny Loggins wrote "Danger Zone" for this as the doomy dirge it was meant to be, electronica, not an America-fueled soaring rock 'n' roll stadium anthem that's hopeful. Smokey Robinson made me believe in love again with his Giorgio Moroder love song. all ballads need to be listened to by a lake at sunset. the GHASTLY way they treated that ball. the villainess was in The Human League, right?

we stay in the dry hot musty room to see that one lost episode of It's a Living on the big screen.

i kiss Jen because.........is there ever a reason NOT to kiss Jen?!!!

me: get your Coke, your sweeties, your popcorn, your chewy chowder, your tampon the size of a brick, your thin panty, your light glasses, your key to the bathroom, your medicine, if you take your medicine don't forget your apple juice...

Jen: .........and some pretzel sticks.

me: i can't believe you found this episode!!! it's copyright-blocked from ALL online lists because of the cool soul music in it.

Nancy Wilson: the jazz singer, not the other one. i sing with all my heart...

Jen: "The Ginger's Mother Show." how i'm gonna miss this show now that i've seen ALL the episodes. seeing Gail Edwards's TITS on the silver screen in that waitress getup is really something to behold!!!

DOMESTIC BLISS: QUORUM

 

Jen and i make it at the last minute to the PG&E community meeting, the door was about to close on our faces. inside the skinny hall above the only table is a giant sign which reads:

DID PG&E RUIN CHRISTMAS?

PG&E: it wasn't our fault there was an atmospheric river on Christmas Day. 

Santa: a power outage ON Christmas Day?!!! come on, dude.

PG&E: despite what you read in the news, we don't control the weather.

Santa: i've seen their switch at the North Pole!!!

PG&E: we did all the necessary prep. we cut the heads off all the trees.

Jen R: bit drastic don't you think? those poor trees. and besides you didn't touch any of the Christmas trees on the lot so what was the point of harming nature like that?

PG&E: btw, turning all the lights off in your house won't prevent a power outage. waste of time.

Jen: and energy. more later.

PG&E: i'm counting heads. and this meeting didn't officially happen...

me: i just found out air fryers don't actually fry the food.

Jen: so no donuts?

me: this has left me SHATTERED. 

Jen: relax. without taking a muscle relaxant.

me taking Motrin: i am DEVASTATED by this news.

Jen: you hear that song in the background? it's coming from the 8-track in my backpack.

me: that backpack is a dangerous weapon here. the power of music.

Jen: it's Foreigner "Waiting for a Girl like You."

me: shouldn't it be "waiting ON a girl like you"?

Jenny Baranick: only if you're some kind of man.

Jen R: this was the first Vaporwave song...

Bowen Yang: the middle, i hear it...

Lifetime Soul movies: you're never too old to find love.........maybe too old to have sex and have kids. but never too old to find love...

Christine Bullock: imagine Miley Cyrus as a grown-up lady...

Popeye: i want a veggie wrap all over my body to remove my toxins.

Olive Oyl: Popeye is such a rad name. if you had been called Squinty that would have sucked.

Popeye: i wanna be naked inside spinach.

AI: call me Data Claus...

Shelley Duvall: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall. and i'm a Jacksonville Jaguars fan...

Trevor Lawrence: look at my hair. now imagine me on Faerie Tale Theatre as a Medieval pageboy...

Shelley: and it's queer because your name is more like a knight or king.

new pope: the Seattle Seahawks are gonna win the Super Bowl...

Pope Bob: why is there this new pope/Seahawks connection?

Kurt Cobain: all the flying fish...

Noah Wyle: see i wanted to keep doing ER but nobody else wanted to...

Round Table: are you willing to pay $50 for a pizza?

Burger King: we can still have snow and rolling hills and green fir trees on our bags and cups, it's January but it's still winter...

tankard: in a tavern.

Richard Dawson: i kissed THE MOUTHS of all the contestants. we lived in an open society back then, loving and free and exchanging. nowadays everybody keeps their mouths closed because of covid. it's a closed society, suspicious and wary and mean.

Coke: that little bit at the bottom of the McDonald's cup is just the melted ice...

The Gay Shoe Clerk: he was happy after that...

i take a deep breath for the first time and get up on that community stage.

me: see you never talk about wanting to die when you're sick. physically sick. when you're physically sick all you want to do is get better. you want the headaches to go away. you want that stomach bug to fly off out of your body. fly, flu!!! you only talk about wanting to die when you're HEALTHY. physically healthy at least.

PG&E drags me out of the room by my heels.

Jen R: but he's right. yes i'll be his legal guardian for the day. which room is he in?

DOMESTIC BLISS: HERMIT-BORN

 

Jen and i make it to the top of the mountain. the trip takes all day, all the sunlight's been burned out.

hermit: all connected.

me: i never asked for this. i didn't want a life of loneliness. i wanted to find someone like everyone else.

hermit: then why the fuck are you here? to find yourself? do you know how long that takes? it takes at least three lifetimes to find yourself, and by then THAT someone is not the someone you are now.

Jen R: is there a bar up here? what do you do when you want a drink because you made the wrong life decision? 

hermit: bottles are easily stored in the cave. but i have no money, remember? no wisdom was ever gained alone.

Jen: hey, between you and me, you can whisper it in my ear: you know how to fly, right? 

hermit: let me let you two in on a little secret: all hermits want to die.

Michael Weiss: the most devastating thing you can call someone is your IG friend...

Alexa: i'm the real Santa Claus...

doors: without doors, there would be no civilization.

Jen: both meanings, there would be no society. but there would also be fighting all the time with no chance for a break...

Italian wedding soup: don't put carrots in it, that's just weird.

any misspelled word: look up that misspelled word, it's the name of a company...

Walker: can i see you naked now? can i see your butt and breasts?

Jackie: Walker honey, remember, it takes a lifetime of waiting for the dick-suck to be good...

Sam Wawrinka: Love, Your Mind...

Joel Brooks: imagine Groucho as a porn star.

DraftKings: we're here at the Premier League taking the piss as you piss your life away gambling on soccer matches. double up those braces. no Guinness needed, you're in too deep, you should have chosen darts.

Maya Rudolph: why didn't i sleep with people at SNL? why didn't i flirt with people at SNL?.........oh right, it was like Adam Sandler, so...

Scott Weiland: yes that's me in the threesome on the desert hill in the Smashing Pumpkins "Today" music video...

Faerie Tale Theatre "The Princess and the Pea."

Shelley Duvall: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall. which parasol was the best?

Liza Minnelli: you never knew i had such nice tits. i got a great pair of LUNGS. for singing SHOWTUNES with!!!

Tom Conti: *famous scoff* it's just, with all due deference, but i bagged a REAL princess: Princess Diana.

Tim Kazurinsky: i was Sling Blade in real life...

Willie Geist: once again children are playing dominoes in their homes. they're realizing their parents aren't coming home from work to save them, their parents have no clue as to the godawful world we find ourselves in. 

Ira Glass: you're trying way too hard to have a soft voice, bro.

Melissa Maker: clean the INSIDE of things...

Ben Nighthorse Campbell: a lot of secret stuff happens in the Senate. let's just say I was responsible for keeping Northern Exposure on the air for as unusually long as it was given how strange and convoluted it was...

Blue Exorcist: we are gonna FORCE you to like Shima if it kills us!!!

Caron Bernstein: inevitably i came.........back to him...

T.J. Watt: don't fix a collapsed lung with a CPAP mask, it doesn't work, i've tried it. dry needling is not alternative-medicine pseudoscience quackery. it's better than wet needling which is just spaghetti. no wait that's wet noodling.

new Baltimore Ravens kicker: you know when your mind is in an endless spiraling nightmare loop?...

Justin Tucker: all i'm saying is i would have made that field goal...

Jen R: so now what do we do up here? a cloud just went in my mouth, it tasted like cotton candy!!!

hermit: there is one prized possession up here. explains why the world is how it is.

Jen in her Katharine Hepburn voice: ah yes, the Keeper of the Flame. in the Ark of the Covenant.

Martin Page holding a pickax: ...