SOLO POP: STAGES

 

Jem is frustrated.

Jem: this bubblegum-pink hair is not enough. i really want to make it as a singer. not a fluffy singer, a singer of substance, my role model in all things life is Cher.

Jem: but this is WAY harder than i thought it'd be. it takes a lot of fucking MONEY!!! i'm not a trust-fund kid, why do you think i wear makeup at night? i'm fucking POOR!!! i was raised in Watts by a single mother who had a song in her heart, Pop Rocks for cash, and an electric bill for a necklace. i want to sell out stadiums in Seattle and visit Australia!!! i don't have a manager, roadie, backup singers, or anyone helping me, that costs, i'm doing this dream ALL ALONE ON INSTAGRAM!!!

the lead singer of Black Lab: i'm not TRYING to sound like David Bowie...

Ben Shelton: isn't there a clock in tennis now?

Sascha Zverev: i suddenly have 2 Grand Slams so the press has to call me Sascha from now on. the clock stops as soon as i start bouncing the ball because that indicates the point is about to begin. so theoretically i could bounce the tennis ball forever until Time ends...

Melissa Maker posts her latest on Instagram Stories.

Melissa Maker: at first people are commenting on how avant-garde it is, the shadows falling at different angles giving the illusion of shape. what everyone fails to realize is this is actually a silhouette of my full naked body!!! what you're seeing is my WHOLE bare back!!! subtle, sultry, with a faint of gold.

Love Death + Robots: you gotta give us credit, we're not shy about showing animated human penises...

African player scoring his first goal for English football: i get back on defense, but i'm not thinking about soccer, i'm thinking about the small Kenyan village where my mother gave up the ghost...

Safeway: you can still get the discount if you're fired...

dad: British old people are ALL lucid...

A Midsummer Night's Dream: not Midsommar...

Carrot Top: i did not try to commit suicide. but the divorce from Frankie Muniz has been hard.

Frankie Muniz: my wife is not that porn star...

Carrot Top: i'm gonna dye my hair blond with frosted tips. i need a change. i remember your nice little show.

Frankie Muniz: i should have never done the Malcolm in the Middle revival, i thought it'd be like church, but it's brought me nothing but bad luck.

Hayden Panettiere with a giant POOF of panettone frizzy hair: there's a lesson in there in preserving the past, leaving well enough alone, not tinkering with perfection. Malcolm in the Middle was of its time: those quirky late-'90s.

Rod Serling: military stories are boring, werewolf soldiers give you someone to root for...

hikikomoris: guys, we can at least throw away our trash. throw away our trash in a place NOT our room. who wants to live in their own filth? we can be depressed but CLEAN.

the Black Books intro song: Radiohead "Airbag..."

Simon Pegg: did i copy David Brent or did David Brent copy me?

Ricky Gervais: it doesn't matter, we're all gonna die and there is no God. i can say anything at the Golden Globes, these are my people...

Brush Strokes: shows about British middle-class life in the '80s give you the morbs...

Howard Lew Lewis: i've been reading about EVERY EPISODE of EastEnders on Wikipedia for 9 hours now...

Mr. Roper: know how i can unclog any toilet? i got this plunger off an Italian plumber named Mario when i went to Italy and Japan without Helen for our honeymoon.

Mario: plunger, plumber, get it?

Seine-feld: Elaine Benes is more of a French woman anyway. it's in the way she dances. Kramer is a mime. 

Jem: one thing i HAVE going for me is i'm a brilliant songwriter. but you SEE?!!! i poured my heart and soul into this Vaporwave electronica song i just composed, put it on Instagram, it got 1 like and 0 comments!!! it's enough to make any artist give up.

Eye Luggage: i know, but working at Taco Bell is only fun that first week. i was the like. i'm your biggest fan, can you sign my tit in bubblegum-pink magic marker?

Laertus: every time i think of Jem, i think of TaB soda and Pop-Tarts...