THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: THE PARSON'S PICKLE

 

in this Medieval village, as in all Medieval villages, the priest holds the power, he's the one who makes the civic decisions on where the village is going.

village priest: because i determine where all my denizens will end up after death.

on this morrow a parson skips into town pretending to be a horse.

parson: i'm not here to collect tax. first thing i notice is the blacksmith of this village gets all the women!!! it's like he has a thrall over them.

the parson sneaks in the mousehole in the blacksmith's shoppe to catch a glimpse of the blacksmith's people skills.

parson: he's just shaping metal with his churning hammer, sparks flying everywhere. the sparks of romance, ah.

James Spader: i should have been a mayor in a Grand Theft Auto game...

Match Game: all the '70s contestants had the hobby of waterskiing. 

California: nobody has hobbies anymore...

the village archbishop: it was only betting on a high school boys' basketball tournament, i'm a bishop, it coulda been worse!!!

Gollum: the new diamond-art Animal Farm movie features a Cybertruck.........getting destroyed in a symbolic way, don't worry.

LeVar Burton in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Reading Rainbow episode: the editor is the actual person who makes the show. not the writers, not the director.

Patrick Stewart: why must we do each scene 13 times?!!! why is there a string above my bald head? i'm going back to the theatre, where it's ONE TAKE!!!

gaslighting: on gas prices.

Regular Show: The Lost Tapes: if you're a slacker, the best thing you can do is find another slacker to be your best friend.

Melissa Maker: we're flying you out to Toronto for the audition.

me: i'm finally becoming an actor?!!!

Melissa: to see if you have what it takes to be a stepdad to my daughter. 

Jen R: he thought he was gonna be on Degrassi.

Melissa: you're more Puppets Who Kill material. i'm dating Kawhi and he tells me the Raptor rims are rubbed with maple-bacon grease.

me: i'm getting rimmed by Melissa Maker?

Kawhi Leonard: Melissa and i are quiet Canadians...

Marathon Man.

Dustin Hoffman: we finally got mugged in New York City.

Marthe Keller: are you okay, babe? that is, are you okay, Babe?

John Schlesinger: notice how i made New York City a dingy small town...

Paris Hilton: let's just give "Stars Are Blind" to Gwen Stefani, it's weird otherwise.

Alaska Airlines: who is that mysterious Inuk man on our planes? he is Inuk-matic, enigmatic.

women: all women can agree that the only video game we like is Mario Kart...

Vera: the world would be nicer if George Burns was God.

George Burns: look at my face. see? you don't have to fear death anymore...

Janel Parrish: HBO Miranda Cosgrove...

Herb Ritts: not herb roots. i prefer the Triscuit but i'm one of a handful who think Cecily Strong is ugly. let Alan Cumming play me. i wa just about to photograph for "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco. i prefer a buddy burrito. 

Keith Haring: are we brothers?...

Anna Wintour: think of fashion as a Rembrandt. i got into this business to make Roger Federer a male model, that is all.

Jesus: i mean i went to 13 different courts, 13 different judges, and they all found me not guilty!!!

parson: how do you do it?

blacksmith: it's simple geometry, knave. take a look at these scrolls freshly inked by the monks here.

parson: that's a LONG-ASS scroll. does it have the obsolete Roman Mass on it?

blacksmith: no, as you can see it's a picture of my penis. the monks are great drawers of dicks.

parson: i love the colors they used on your little man. what's my size?

blacksmith: well you can plainly see yourself depicted in the corner there. with your pickle.

parson: that's how small i am? and i came to town to put a tax on pickles.

the parson realized he had to make a major life change. and FAST because the average lifespan around here was 23.

parson: i better be a farmer from now on, i can blend in more easily here. slip out if the village turns on me. i need to grow pickles and grow my pickle.

the blacksmith in the other hovel not eavesdropping: yeah, i better change career paths, too. the real power is in the mayorship. must i slay the priest to be the priest? that seems precarious for my eternal soul.

Ric Flair with a Dutch Boy haircut: ...

Ric Flair: there's plenty of nature around here, the woods are still plentiful...

the parson notices the blacksmith having another late-night soiree with the maidens who are not waiting to enter his lair.

parson: man that guy is always entertaining. that sooty smith hogs all the mead in the village, too!!!

after the party it's up to the parson to clean up. while everyone is on the hay drunk he tiptoes over the cobblestone to the blacksmith's forge, there he discovers all the chastity belts the blacksmith is working on.

parson: it's not about attraction, it's about control. i think i just became a wizard!!!