THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: FARMER GOES TO COLLEGE

 

the blacksmith is now the priest. he presides over his court where a jester entertains him daily.

blacksmith: no more of the jester, get the hook. hook his neck offstage but don't hurt him. this jester's not really funny, he's always just lukewarm like Bill Maher. i'd rather have the guy who makes the mince pies appear before me more.

meanwhile the parson is now a farmer.

parson: i mean growing turnips is fine, but a revolution is coming when everyone in the land will start eating potatoes. there doesn't seem to be much upward mobility in this job: a farmer in Medieval times. you just kinda take over your father's farm and that's your life.

father: if you're lucky, sonny. if a robber baron doesn't mug you and steal your farm from under you on the dirt road.

parson: do people go to college around here? is there higher education?

father: try the castle, kiddo. always try the castle. the castle is where everything is kept.

John Schlesinger: notice the non-sequitur scenes of the neighborhood boys taunting Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man? not a West Side Story tribute. that's what happened to me when i first got to New York City, neighborhood boys thought i was gay for some reason.

hooker's lips: the rose is named after Hooker the botanist, but it does look like...

Mick Jagger: ...my lips.

Tom Cruise: hey, don't even try it, you will never OUTRUN me at my own Scientology facility!!!

Purple Passion: the first Purple Drank.

David Beckham and Posh Spice have just divorced. the two find themselves in the same line for the loo at a dingy London underground punk club with graffiti on the walls and bathroom walls. David Beckham can't speak, he is sheepish. 

Posh finally after a quarter of an hour: well. this is awkward.

David: quite.

Posh: we didn't stay together for the kid, the kid hates us both.

at ESPN.

the betting guy: i don't get it, we're both the betting guy at ESPN, why did Tyler move up to SportsCenter anchor?

Tyler: because i'm tall dark and handsome.

Erin Dolan: and Indian, know what i'm sayin'.

Tyler: and you are a nondescript white boy.

random blonde: is that French? are you trying to be funny on SportsCenter? i don't care, i just work here...

Match Game: if the answer is to fuck, say kiss...

Lucy at the Brown Derby trying to spot William Holden: the Cobb salad was invented here.

William Holden: a dame with brains!!! finally!!!

Lucy: yeah, Cobb because they cobble together 12 ingredients to make the salad...

Mr. Diamond at Crespi: i became a high school Spanish teacher so i wouldn't have any money for Dustin Diamond to steal!!! as long as i could keep an eye on ol' shifty Dusty, as long as he was a yardstick away from me playing that Rygar cabinet at the arcade, i felt safe.

Muhammad Ali: i'm a Mainer?

Brett Somers: isn't he the cutest thing. sure, we call you Barnesy Ali.

Sonny Liston: that whole iconic black-and-white photograph of you in all your virile masculine lion glory was a show, a setup by the mob.

Muhammad: and you should know, Son. of course it was, everyone poses for a picture...

 

the parson gets to the grey castle over the one bridge above the moat.

parson: imagine there were two bridges...

inside the castle is the first secret Masonic university. the parson breaks a few castlestones over this head to gain entrance to the wood trapdoor and undoes the heavy pewter lock from the inside using his elbow.

parson: the first elbow grease.

there's a grimoire open on a carved book stand.

parson: the cover of this book says VILLAGE CIVICS. but this book is just the King James Bible!!!

he flips to the end page.

parson: i hate spoilering like this but i have not time. 23 years. here we go it says: he who holds the silver holds the key to the village.

parson: does the blacksmith fashion the key out of misbegotten silver from France? silver is more valuable than gold, silver is foreign. 

the parson notices a blank long scroll in the corner of the old dusty room. he closes his eyes and imagines writing on the scroll. he opens his eyes to witness the writing on the scroll saying: everyone in the world will get their news from CNN, it will be the subconscious default source of news for the world.

parson: i'm still a wizard!!!