MAINE CABIN ON STILTS: STEPHEN KING DOWNTOWN

 

Stephen King: see your grandfolks' one-room house is the suburbs. the downtown of Maine is south of the pond. it's just like any other downtown: one general store, one greasy-spoon diner, one outhouse. 

Kurt Cobain: and there's always a place where you can buy fireworks.

Stephen: i've been having writer's block. i'm in a rut. i'm trying to come up with my next monster but it's too quiet around here. monsters are forged out of the cauldron of CITY NOISE. care to join me downtown?

Jen R: just call us Julie Brown.

we walk there. it takes a while to leave the lake.

Stephen: why is it that whenever i go downtown the sky is always a forlorn shade of cobalt-grey?

the diner is filled with regulars: grandma and a newly-coupled Debralee Scott and Jonathan Frakes. Debralee Scott is eating a BIG-ASS pouch of Jack Link's Steak Nuggets, Jonathan is just drinking water.

Debralee Scott: don't be a bitch.

Jonathan Frakes: fine, Sprite Tea. don't call me Nathan, i hate that. 

me: awww, Deb and Jon look like my mom and dad young during the first month of their courtship 

Jen: bring back courting!!!

grandma: i'm having chicken-chow-mein pizza. don't worry, i carry a bottle of Pepto Bismol in my backpocket, this stuff is pink gold. you like my big butt?

me: yes, grandma.

Carrie: the '70s were the last decade women had hairy bushes and people said "service" on the volleyball court instead of "hey you, it's your serve, go."

Kaye Stevens: eat your heart out, Lana from Three's Company!!! i am you in real life!!! i'm the one with the anxiously amorous voice.

Gene Rayburn: for the rest of us, Match Game is a job, for Kaye Stevens, it's her Primal Laugh therapy.

LaToya Jackson: as you can see, i never wanted to be a Jackson.

Randy Jackson: i was the randiest of the Jacksons, i made a pass at Carol Burnett, i told her, "lay it on me, mama!!!"

Carol Burnett: i still have no idea what that means.

Vlasic: that's one CRUNCHY pickle. 

Claussen: but that's just it, your pickles are NOT crunchy, they're SOGGY. your draw is that your pickles are spicy, ours are just cold. 

Melissa Maker: i'm taking notes.

Pope Bob: "Disarm" is my favorite song.

Billy Corgan: i'm honored. everyone hates me. i USED to be a good Catholic Chicago Irish boy...

Pope Bob: and now?

Billy: that bridge was burned when i formed a band.

Pope Bob: AI is scary. i wet my priest pants thinking about it. 

Billy: hey i ain't no robot. you can tell we use a real voice and real guitars, who would want to COPY my awful voice?

Trent Reznor: Billy, can i borrow you for a few samples?

Billy: it's okay, a drum machine is not cheating...

Daniel Stern: do i narrate your dreams?

Alan Watts: or do i narrate your dreams? the two of us can only have a voice-off in my dreamworld...

Shaq: $1 billion isn't enough. i need to marry an Arab princess.

Violetta Laze: i'm a working actor.

Shaq: that's okay, let's do it.

Maiara Walsh: i can play Middle-Eastern...

Shaq: YES YOU CAN!!! you do look good but i'm only attracted to your eyes. your eyes, girl, they're wolf eyes!!! they're like those Darren E. Burrows wolf eyes.

Fatten R burrows: I town into a wereo;f at night, wrap dimes Olmos was my father, j created the entro Tive Efron pulsion by continuously fucking on gull moons.

Laten The Grady: me?

Fake; not you yuype too close to work...

Jocelyn Hudon: i'm a Canadian actress. i did a Hallmark movie. now all i need to do is voice an anime and get a picture of my feet taken.

Colonel Sanders sits at the far table of the diner.

Stephen King: Colonel.

Colonel Sanders: Steve. i shoulda called it King Chicken.

Stephen: i pronounce it Colon-el as in eating your chicken gave me colon cancer.

Colonel Sanders: Steve do you want me to spill the beans as it were? you want me to reveal my secret?

Stephen: wait let me get my notebook.

Colonel Sanders: your order of KFC chicken will be RUINED unless you dip it in hot sauce. THAT is the real monster.