TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: SYLUX

 

 

Thumbelina: you hear that boom on the roof? 

Sylux lands on our roof with a thud.

Sylux: omg there is no much JUNK on your roof!!!

me: really? i don't notice such things.

Sylux: yeah, man, tons of plastic baggies and broken-off clothes hangers and one page of comix. and a golf club.

Thumbelina: i never got into golf, the hole scares me.

Sylux vacuums all the trash off our roof with her vacuum arm.

Thumbelina: watch out with that gun, i could trip and fall right into your hole.

Sylux: that gun is my arm. you'd be trapped inside my arm forever. not a quiet place to lay down and sleep.

me: it's lie, don't lie. you're the villain, right? laser space guns are cool.

Thumbelina: gunholes, what are they good for?...

Sylux: it's a gun, not a stylus. people don't realize all the garbage that's on their roof. i saw your junk from space. it was space junk.

Thumbelina: nice suit of armor, babe!!! nice sleek shiny bodysuit. are you man or machine? 

Sylux: i'm a woman. this isn't a suit, it's my clothes. i mean i guess i'm nearer to a Transformer.

Thumbelina: are you feeling okay, babe? woman-to-woman intuition.

Sylux: i don't wanna be a workaholic like my sister Samus Aran. i want a family.

Samus Aran: i get the mission done. i'm single by choice. i could have any man out here, any man in space. my voice sounds like if Mary Elizabeth McGlynn had a Japanese accent...

Thumbelina: we were just woolgathering such things, right babe?

me: yeah. the conundrum of living alone.

Sylux: it's impossible. take it from me, i go on missions in space, i know about a living space. people want a quiet house but a house has at least a couple of people in there with you, you can't afford to be in a house by yourself, no one can. you're gonna have to learn to live with others.

Stephen A. Smith: Pete Hegseth is a drunk. that's why he hosted the WEEKEND show...

Melissa Maker: but the chase IS fun...

Jackie Fitzgerald: I'm a 63-year-old woman, i'm going to Cabo for Spring Break for the first time in my life, you see what i mean?...

Blond Rambo: she's taking her bikini.

Jackie: everyone thinks i'm your grandma when we're on the beach and i'm wearing this blue-grey bucket hat.

Blond Rambo: and you're ambling around the sand like you have a pronounced limp or something...

Diane Ackerman: i'm Cher if she had become a poet...

Thumbelina: the Lost ending could have been better, you know?

me: the writers were criticized for injecting religion into a secular sci-fi show. 

Thumbelina: why did the plane have to crash? if the plane merely LANDED on the Island, you wouldn't need it to be Purgatory, this could have remained a nice epic story about timelines and time travel. 

me: i haven't thought about Lost stuff for two decades. i'm forming new Lost theories as you speak!!!

Thumbelina: poor Jack is stuck on the Island being its guardian. as the plane arrives and departs with new souls who have to meet each other unnaturally. no need for a crash.

me: holy shit!!! i just realized i missed watching MANY Lost things!!! all the Missing Pieces webisodes, i never saw any of them, i never had abc.com.

Thumbelina: there's a whole other epilogue!!! The New Man in Charge.

me: let's watch all this stuff!!! it's new Lost goodness!!! it's like if Severance was on now...

Thumbelina: i guess this means like Jack you're stuck with me for a couple more dates...

me: it seems i got the sweet end.

Sarah: that's when you know you have a good life, when you leave the front door and bathroom window unlocked because you have somewhere to be at 9 AM in the morning: a going-away party at Denny's.

Michael Weiss: don't be on Instagram the rest of your life, that means you LOST...

THE HOME DEPOT GRAND OPENING!!! ON SEASIDE STREET!!! SPAGHETTI DINNER AT 6 OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!!!

me: the stuff i write on a blog is not meant to be sponsored...

Stat Boy: i haven't been around Around the Horn lately because i'm looking for a job...

PG&E: the power went out. it's 100-degree heat, the grid couldn't take it...

me: i have only BEGUN to fight!!!

Jen R: okay but it's gonna be a wait. i'll be back on Instagram in 2 years. not for you. for my art. my pencil-sketch art.

me: Jen look, i'm at the Brewster McCloud spot, that's OUR Brewster McCloud spot. but at 3 PM. it's 3 PM, Jen!!! 3 PM is a weird vibe...

Mary Magdalene: there is something worse than being a prostitute.

The Whore of Babylon: being a whore for free...

Jen R: the couple that goes on a game show together stays together.

me: Flip Side got wacky.

Jen R: a crying baby? but what if it's YOUR crying baby? a second scoop of cold pasta is a GOOD thing.

Melissa Maker: but you have to stay on Instagram A LONG-ASS TIME in case there's a romantic possibility in the far future...

cyberpunk: it's not just swimming around in 100 black bags of garbage on the street.

William Gibson: ...

woman who eventually takes off her glasses: i'll pull up the file on Martin Yan, he's the head of the 108 Dragons...

Crying Freeman: the coolest computer mouse was the first computer mouse...

Steve Jobs: NOOOOO!!! the coolest computer mouse was the Macintosh 128K mouse!!!

meetings: just a way to get to lunch.

ABBA: we sing the Red Dwarf theme song...

me: what is Heaven if not cuddling with Jen Reynolds?

Jen R: Heaven ain't a bed of clouds.

Dirg: it's kinda fun to hit on women on Instagram whom you have 0% chance of getting. break the cardinal rule, ask them out on a date in the comments...

Melissa Maker: MMM.

me: MMMM, Melissa Maker Morning Meditations.

Melissa Maker: MMM, Melissa Maker Mess, you know, one of those messes that can only be cleaned up with the hand-vacuum on your keychain...

dirt devil: i'm not a cute tornado.

Dr. Robbins: i spew my psychiatric philosophy all over Instagram, 40 posts a day, but get me alone in my DMs and i'm a man of few words, i answer everything you ask with fine. good day.

Jen Pizarro: i am Jen P. i am Jen Prime Mover.

walking the bank parking lot when your Wells Fargo card finally doesn't get spit out: priceless. it's a victory walk.

Luigi: nothing in my socks but handwritten letters i wrote to myself.

Mario: you've been staying out in the sun too long. the desert sun with that long-ass Slinky cactus monster.

Luigi: you shouldn't even be wearing socks during the sand level...

Skins: the meaning of life is friends.

The Golden Girls: we did that in the '80s...

Stephen A. Smith: i would have taken a swing at LeBron.........i have enough money to pay for a doctor now...

Johnny Depp: are you kidding me? you could never have acted the COMPLICATED role Leonardo DiCaprio performed in What's Eating Gilbert Grape where he pretended to be fucked in the head.

Corey Feldman: why not? i'm a junkie so i just had to act like me...

me: you're the peanut butter to my jelly.

Jen R: i like horseradish.

Dorothy in The Big O: i have the Rinnegan...

Julia Ioffe: hey, everyone on Instagram has switched to Private.

Michael Weiss: i know, it's over.

Moby "Raining Again": Ollie Wride "Back to Life".

Madonna: ...

Val Kilmer in Real Genius: it's called a deely bobber...

i take off Sylux's heavy helmet to reveal a beautiful ashen female face with purple eyes overflowing with welling tears.

Sylux: i am not well. my arm is KILLING me right now. it's not an arm anymore, it's a piece of beef jerky. but that's not why i have such a pained look on my young face.

Thumbelina: don't cry, babe. don't sweat men, honey. i'll set you up with your DREAM WOMAN: Motoko Kusanagi!!! you two can start a nice family...

Sylux: i don't want to run from people anymore, i want a person. i want to fight in a lovers' quarrel. i just want my life to be cool booties from now on.