LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: TWO GODS

 

Dr. Robbins: is this the hall?

Abbot Butt: i think so. i'm used to open hallways. the Hell? no idea.

Dr. Robbins: my office is a room that's bigger than my house. 

Abbot Butt: this is not good, Headmistress Fuerza is mad at both of us!!!

Headmistress Fuerza: i called you two gents in here because we have a crisis on campus.

the two look pensive, realizing their degrees mean nothing.

Headmistress Fuerza: we need to determine the best course of action to teach our young impressionable students here at Hartnell College. do we go the religious route or the scientific route? you pray to find the answer.

Abbot Butt: i pray to Sylvia Plath's father.

Headmistress Fuerza: and you think everything is a psychiatric disease.

Dr. Robbins: we're all sick.

Headmistress Fuerza: why must we choose? is there a happy Socratic medium?

Socrates: that is such a college way of thinking. just don't be dumb, you know? read. a book from a library, not a newsblog from your email link. if all the libraries have been burned to the ground, watch public television.

Headmistress Fuerza: we have a crisis on campus.

Dr. Robbins: another one?

Headmistress Fuerza: i can't have drugs running rampant at my school, it's not a good look. 

Abbot Butt: i found many glass Mason jars in the sororities. to grow homemade marijuana in their bedrooms no doubt.

Headmistress Fuerza: wait, these are sour jars. that's no problem, witches are cool. and sour jars are NECESSARY.

Headmistress Fuerza: okay dance for me.

Abbot Butt dances to "Walk the Dinosaur."
Dr. Robbins: damn you to hell. you always gotta be cooler than me, you get the cool dance, i have to dance to "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice...

Kelly Clarkson: i'm gonna be gone from my show for 3 months to do new episodes of Mr. Pickles...

King Kai: i only want Danny Glover to play me in the live-action, okay? we're both too old for this shit.

Danny Glover: Mel Gibson told me to eat nothing but stale bread to redeem my soul...

Frog Dreaming.

copper: what's he do for food?

Gaza: bicycle helmet in the fridge.

copper: ever since Cody came to town Wendy's been on meth.

Gaza: that's just sugar.

copper: let me give you a bit of friendly advice: remember, there are no Australian goths...

Professor Santa Claus with beach metal-detector wand: all Australian coins are pirate doubloons. i'm the professor who lives on an island the main character consults in the last 30 minutes of every '80s movie...

Henry Thomas: why is your beard brown?

Professor Santa Claus: the Australian sun.

Henry: do you believe in monsters?

Professor Santa Claus: Nietzsche was a monster.

bush pump: the brilliant 3rd season of YOLO: Rainbow Trinity.

Gaza: oh fuck NOT THE E.T. TEARS!!! i can't say no to the E.T. tears!!!

Wendy: oh fuck you know i can't resist the E.T. smile!!!

Henry Thomas: hold my speargun, babe.

Wendy in Marushin motorbike spinning out: it's called anime. like my souped-up bike?...

Gaza: we can't leave him in the lake.

Professor Santa Claus: all lakes are connected...

Gaza: drain it like that Kurt Cobain song.

Wendy: if i dream him, he's still alive.

Jen R: see? i haven't been in your dreams lately...

me: on it.

Mr. Kauffman: i know it's an emergency but can you come back later? i'm playing chess with my secret gay lover...

Henry Thomas: don't worry, E.T. taught me how to hold my breath underwater for 3 months. 

Henry: HELP!!! A WEEPING WILLOW TREE IS TRYING TO EAT ME!!!

Donkey Engine: rejected Transformer...

in Pinecrest, California:

Henry: want a snow-cone corn-dog?

Wendy: that's just a corn dog with ice on its cap. it's reminding me of something.........it doesn't count as a first kiss unless i kiss your nape, that's called an Australian kiss. hey, was there a toilet on E.T.'s spaceship?...

Henry Thomas: wait, if you're Wendy, i'm Peter Pan in real life!!!...

Charlie Pride: got a little mustard on my beard...

Monster Hunter: it's not Zelda...

Clarissa Molina: i learned English working at McDonald's, English with a New Jersey accent. my boyfriend still works the deep fat fryer.

Clarissa Molina's boyfriend: Ancient Romans burned Twinkies. it's a hot-oil basket and i live in a cage. i still have zits at age 33.

Raul De Molina: that's Christ-like.

Clarissa Molina: you can make it in life if you work at McDonald's and you're pretty...

Marilyn Monroe: a stuffing from me isn't hot, my stuffing has cold smelly onions in it...

cucumber: i'm a watermelon...

Billy Corgan: smash those cucumbers.

James Iha: and add my grannie's sauce.

Diff'rent Strokes: for diff'rent folks. folks who get it. watch in jeans.

gardener: i'm the only family you got...

Brother Peewit: bald is beautiful.

Bede: shaved is serene.

yogi Yoda: green is grace.

Mark Hapka: i turned Maiara Walsh's eyes blue...

Maiara Walsh: that was a good fuck.

Abbot Butt: monks are mad. don't do this to yourself!!!

Instagram: the land of second chances...

Julia Ioffe: i didn't make my mark at Princeton the way i had wanted, but i did form the first coaching staff for Modern Talking there.

Modern Talking: you saw us when the world put on its sunglasses, Julia. our time at Princeton changed us.

Michael Weiss: you're my heart, you're my soul, Julia Ioffe...

me: so we have the dorm room now?

Jen R: yeah, you should have seen the spectacle over here last night, Jackie Fitzgerald jumped out the window!!! onto the bitch-seat of Blond Rambo's motorcycle. the two sped away onto the highway the motorcycle made on its own through the countryside green grass. loudly of course. 

me: what's their deal? those two never glide. motorcycle wheels digging into grass, ghastly.

Jen: Blond Rambo had an epiphany: he wanted to be more like Jesus to assuage Jackie's subconscious Catholicism. 

me: it's not enough to just look like Jesus.

Jen: she was getting hesitant. a fling never becomes a marriage.

the two of us settle down in our new central digs. free of charge.

me: all my food is a form of hot dog or noodle.

Jen R: you've got to escape the college mindset. adopt the mentality of students eating lobster.

me: our first night here was fun.

Jen: yeah.

me: but you hogged all the covers. i had no sheets over me. i had to sleep with my blue beanie on my head all night, not to mention the 2 sweatshirts i had to wear because i had no covers. 

Jen: isn't that just the loveliest sitcom problem to have? i sent for the Mr. Kotter/Mr. Serling pimp coat, you'll have it in bulk in the morning.

me: where you working?

Jen: Williams Sonoma, seasonal work for St. Patrick's Day...