TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: GENTLE LOST

 

 

me: after the STRESS of always having to fuck her and make her cum, it's just nice to be with someone who's soft, gentle, nice, and easy.

Thumbelina: easy to talk to. how exactly do you fuck online?

me: it's just too much pressure, you know? all i want to do is destress when i'm with someone, take it easy, discuss the art of TV writing.

Thumbelina: everyone has but 15 minutes of free time a day. use those 15 minutes wisely.

me: i like to play but i don't like to play with, you know?

me: it's been a pleasure to revisit Lost with you who's seeing it for the first time, those first-time reactions of yours to this sumptuous show are priceless.

Thumbelina: they don't make em like this anymore. any recos?

me: only Severance comes close now.

Thumbelina: my favorite episode so far is the one where we find out it's a flash-FORWARD only at the very end...

me: isn't it nice to be gentle with someone?

Thumbelina: both people have to have a sound lucid mind or the conversation derails into insanity quite quickly...

 

Thumbelina: i want Hurley and Cynthia Watros to be endgame.

me: don't tell me, you think Hurley is SWEET.

Thumbelina: he is!!! he's a teddy bear. he's not fat, he's a teddy bear.

me: but Cynthia Watros?

Thumbelina: that's the point, i root for this couple because this couple would NEVER happen in real life. it's the absolute uniqueness of this pairing that makes it stick.

me: that's what TV is for.

Thumbelina: fantasy on an island...

Thumbelina: i always picture Sawyer as a mall cop.

me: the long con. talking Lost with you is so good i go to 30 minutes.

Thumbelina: talking shop. talking Lost shop. Jacob, the dude who keeps the Island a cork in a bottle, is sexy and mysterious, he's the Devil but he's good and necessary for the world.

me: Pandora's Box. well Pandora's Bottle.

Thumbelina: Jacob is the Devil who ends up being God. 

me: did they ever explain the polar bears?

Thumbelina: they explained Nestor Carbonell being on that prison planet with the talking dinosaurs...

Nestor Carbonell: why wasn't i on The Brothers Garcia?...

me: Santa should have been a character on Lost...

Sean Dilley: notice how i described Heathrow Airport reopening after the substation fire: music to their ears...

Anna Holligan: i am not a hooligan. i don't even like soccer.

Aliens.

Paul Reiser: xenomorph or Helen Hunt? i can't decide.

Trinity the cat: don't call me stupid. or a shithead. not even in jest.

Ellen Ripley: my hair is cool, this perm never left the '80s. 

Inquiry: look, all we're saying is that the Challenger space shuttle cost $4,325,719...

Inquiry: it is the finding of this inquiry that Shake N Bake pork is fucking delicious.

THE KID RIDING THE THREE-WHEELER FROM THE SHINING IS HERE!!!

Ripley: hey, being a bag-girl at Trader Joe's is honest work. i earn enough to feed Trinity basic cat food. i met my husband at Trader Joe's, his name is Tim Heidecker. Tim's gonna flip his wig when he finds out my daughter is a dead grandma.   

Matt: working at Safeway does NOT mean you've given up on life...

Ripley: i'm not crazy, i'm incontinent.

Ripley: i have a poster of a naked Sigourney Weaver in my locker.

Bill Paxton: the knife game, five finger fillet, hand roulette.

Bishop: also called bishop.

Bill Paxton: i'm only comfortable having Martin Yan do the knife game on me.

Martin Yan: i won't turn you into Cake Boss.

assholes and elbows: good sex.

James Cameron: the loader is a Terminator who became a forklift.

Vasquez: let's not have any winning Oscars for Best Makeup here, okay?...

Michael Eisner: i wanted James Cameron to direct Flight of the Navigator...

Fred Durst: don't waste that soggy donut.

'90s Outer Limits episodes: take it from us, episodes where it's a six-man squad (with one woman) with large laser guns slowly roaming around an abandoned space station on an unknown planet are BORING.

little girl: i don't wanna leave my little subway apartment i have here, i'm finally free, no more parents, no more mom and dad and stupid brother to tell me what to do, no more getting grounded, just books, i got my beads to protect me from monsters, i can stay up late and watch Friends past my bedtime. and i ace all my school science fairs!!!

Jenette Goldstein: this bronzer is working a little too well...

Rebecca Jordan: can i still be a citizen in this society?...

Elizabeth Inglis: i have no idea what Sigourney means, either.

Rebecca: the monster told me she likes to eat newts, she only eats humans when there are no newts around.

Lance Henriksen: this facehugger looks like shrimp scampi. i've never had shrimp scampi.

pulse rifle: comes with air conditioning. batteries not included.

figurehead woman trapped in a wall of goo: hey can you kill the alien without turning me into chicken flambe?

commander: do any of you soldiers watch Archer?...

commander: okay, Ripley, i'll let you drive, but don't scratch it, this is our only Batmobile.

Paul Reiser: no smoking in the cabin, Ripley. look, i don't want to be the company man here, but i am running for Congress in the spring.

Archer: you see THAT?!!! that was a REAL explosion!!! this is the '80s, baby!!!

little girl: i'm yawning because this movie is boring.

chestburster: it's pregnancy.

dropship: don't let Tesla make a fleet of these!!!

James Cameron: hey Lance, you gotta fit through a pipe, okay? i wanted Tom Cruise for this but Tom Cruise is claustrophobic.

Lance Henriksen: i BETTER get to play Lance in your live-action Voltron movie if i do this...

Paul Reiser: that was COLD. in my defense, i turned the monitor off because it was a repeat...

Transformers: don't blame us for the Heathrow fire, you humans should be on universal energy by now...

Jen R: omg Lauren & Luke on Flip Side.

me: right? they were couple goals.

Jen R: the way they held hands throughout the entire game.

me: that was so painfully cute, so adorable, so innocent, that actually made me cry.

Jen: that's a rare love. but they were also an awkward nerd couple.

me: Lauren looked like you.

Jen: i wanted them to win. i want weird janky love to win. get out of the basement, live your best life, travel.

AOC: like your love life, you gotta wait for me for just a LITTLE BIT LONGER. for a better life. for a better world. for a better political future.

Bernie Sanders: President AOC is the pipe dream i smoke. hopefully there will still be a world in the future...

Pete Buttigieg: don't forget about me...

ancient history: not something to forget, something to learn from.

The Barnyard groundskeeper with the red plaid shirt and Crocodile Dundee Akubra hat: how am i fat on a groundskeeper's salary?

Groundskeeper Willie: you work in Carmel...

The Barnyard groundskeeper: i'm the famous Central Coast Roof Guy in my night job, THANKS FOLKS!!!

brown mouse: the cat meows for mouse...

Suzy Lu: wait, how did i know in the future to do double Garlic Jr. DBZ episodes because everybody would hate this arc?...

Maron: ...

UConn: we're gonna win the Men's NCAA Basketball Tournament this year and make you REALLY annoyed with us...

Spicy City.

Ralph Bakshi: four fingers, if it's four fingers it's a cartoon, it's not real, the sex and violence is cartoony, it's a fun whimsical fantasy.

Humphrey Bogart: why is it that whenever something is sexy it necessarily has to be noir?...

Jules Smith: whimsy was '90s HBO. not Spawn, that was too ghastily violent. Larry Sanders was that forbidden HBO warmth.

Ralph Bakshi: is a TRUE adult cartoon possible?...

Spalding Gray: the last song i ever listened to was Nine Inch Nails "The Great Below..."

Anthony Bourdain: we have the same hair.

The Smiths "Back to the Old House": the lyrics are that scene from the B&W Manchurian Candidate...

Kraken: i live under that BIG-ASS chunk of Antarctica iceberg that just fell off.

AOC: when i'm not busy starring in Snow White...

VictoryNYC: glad to have you aboard as my only NYU roommate.

me: thanks. i love your dorm setup here, our dorm room is one giant computer with no room for beds.

VictoryNYC: that was lucky of you to get a four-year free-ride scholarship JUST as your Social Security was canceled...

Mick Foley: my favorite cheap pop is an ice-cream soda...

The Terminator (1984): your first sex scene...

Thumbelina: i'm really digging the religious stuff on Lost.

me: i knew you would. the ending with Heaven...

Thumbelina: fuck, dude, that was a spoiler.

me: FUCK. sorry. i don't know what came over me. i lost myself in that moment.

me: .........does this mean we can no longer be endgame?...

Thumbelina: my brother's a priest so there's a lot of keeping up appearances when i'm in front of my parents whom i live with. but don't worry, i'm cool. i'm easy. i'm gentle. my personal beliefs are a mystery. i like the writing that goes into TV shows.