notes:
* Charles Offdensen: for the record.........i tried. i'm a fan favorite because i look like a librarian.
Jen R: ...
Charles Offdensen: i don't complain, i quietly get shit done behind the scenes. my voice is very calming, like Jesus at the wheel. still have striations on your chest? still want to stay away from the public? still have that last little bit of flu-cold that stubbornly sticks to your lungs and will NEVER leave your body? never clear up like your zits from pillows dunked in bong rubbing alcohol? you'll always be at 43% and well, i'm here for you.
* nagging cough: i never had any friends growing up...
* The Pat McAfee Show on ESPN: final proof that the planet is doomed.
Pat McAfee: how does a punter get such access to a quarterback?...
* Jen R: New York City is the best. NYC is so cool we call it a town...
* me: where've you been?
Jen R: first day of school.........First Week of School...
me: first day of school is the WORST day of school...
* CVS: it's free medicine so you might as well take it.
Zardoz: yes but 20 medicine shots? i have Long Covid, i'm gonna be at 43% the rest of my life which for a god is a long time...
* coffee: when you drink us the muscles in your neck start to constrict.
Alice in Wonderland: ...
* me: let's room together.
Jen R: let's shroom together?...
* Nathan Explosion: in order for us to get stronger as a team uh band we gotta execute...
Murderface: i love executions.
Nathan: we gotta execute a trust fall.
Toki: why's it gots to be I's the ones who falls? i gots my Deaddy Bear to cushions my falls...
* Mike Damone wearing a beret: i'll never be healthy again. i need an asthma inhaler again as an adult!!! my bare chest wasn't enough. i haven't had an inhaler since i was in the 2nd Grade!!!
* Austin Reaves: suddenly i'm the White Jordan...
* Michael Weiss: i wish i had a child instead of having Instagram.
Julia Ioffe: ...
* dolphins: WE have a pod, not the pod of Laertus, Eye Luggage, and Dirg...
* at the Palm Springs Visitor Center.
Doryce: can i take a picture on top of the roof, dear?
Gladyce: no, dear.
Doryce: but it's such a HISTORIC roof!!!
Gladyce: i know, dear, but today we're busy INSIDE the building as i wait in line to receive my Wikiversity diploma...
* DraftKings.
Kevin Hart: that's too much magic. i don't mind the magic but all the chest hair...
Ryan Fitzpatrick: it's Fitzmagic. i feel sorry for you that you don't believe. there's never too much magic when it comes to Disneyland and God.
* Purple mattress: ditch the mattress and sleep on a river...
* Toyota Grand Highlander.
mom: don't worry, honey, this car is a fish hospital.after chucking the fish back into the lake, the family went out to McDonald's for Filet-o-Fishes...
* NFL table read.
Keegan-Michael Key: so this is just a skit, right? the NFL is played FAIRLY, it's not just a Hollywood movie where the outcome is determined 9 months in advance like pro wrestling...
Bill Belichick: ...
Tom Brady: *smiles*
Hulk Hogan: *grimaces in pain*
Laertus: this commercial grabs me, i've always wanted to write for television, a season-long sports script is like a soap-opera script...
DK Metcalf: i'll catch it with my abs.........but really i need to catch it with my hands cos i got black nail polish on. or i can catch it with my calves...
Patrick: write the Mahomes character out entirely? that's cold, man. just cos i lost to the Detroit Lions?
Dean Winters: Mahomes Mayhem sidekick thing, think about it, Patrick...
Kirk Cousins: let's do shirts and skins. or in my case, BDSM.
Justin Fields: imagine wheels as my legs.........there are no wheels in Chicago, only subways...
Shakespeare: actors, act like actors.........so wait then they aren't really actors, they're just ACTING like actors? then who are they really?...
* Modelo: imagine a fan earthquake.........like a 10.0 Mexico-style earthquake that flattens all of Fresno...
* Lowe's.
Christian McCaffrey: i'm proud of myself. without me running backs wouldn't be as highly paid as they are now.........okay only the white ones...
Dak: what color is Cowboys blue?
Ryan Gosling: don't use my Rams blue. everyone makes fun of us, calling us Loss Angeles, that's cold, man. we won the Super Bowl, do you know how HARD that is to do? make fun of me playing with Barbie dolls instead...
* GilletteLabs.
son: dad, i got a stone Old Spice cup from 1910 that belonged to grandpa when he sailed the seven seas with Popeye.
dad: son, that is MY cup.........my jockstrap...
* Ford: people say nothing is built in America anymore.........they're right, Ford has been owned by Japan since the 1980s.........remember that two-year period in the '80s when America FREAKED OUT cos Japan was selling all those silver Nissan Sentras?...
* Taco Bell: we haven't invented anything new in 30 years, it's all just the same tacos and burritos packaged differently. what we HAVE composed, however, is three count em THREE new New Wave songs on the music charts which rival anything Talking Heads or Tiffany ever did...
* Rotorazer: we don't have that Saw clown, instead we have a Sabado Gigante host in a three-piece big-breasted three-breasted suit...
* Berlin: take my breath away.........with the spicy sauces offered at Applebee's. they're so hot they literally burn your lungs off leaving you short of breath, it's hard to breathe that way...
* Buffalo Wild Wings: i look like the bison from Neon Genesis Evangelion. no, not the Pee-wee-Herman-kind sign. at B Dubs, we don't harbor reductionists, all our sauces are a reduction instead. if you're gonna mount a buffalo head on the wall at least have one with wings. which country has the oldest continuous flag? no not Denmark, the correct answer is Pangaea. the Pangaea flag has a flying buffalo on it. no i don't know Kid Icarus. i died cos i got hit by a bus even though i can fly...
* Jesus: i went to Princeton, Joseph went to Harvard, God went to San Jose State. i never asked for a raise cos i could raise the dead. my fancy shoes are wooden flip-flops. i never took out a mortgage cos i was always traveling for work. no country clubs, i wish i could have invented golf sooner. my mom Mary had a will, the will to leave her abusive father's home, remember that in Sunday School? i invested wisely in Jimmy Buffett, not Warren Buffett.
* FanDuel: i got 5 on it, like the song. because of all the lawsuits we've had to fight, we can only take $5 bets from now on...
TOMORROW: the Nacho Cheese Burger from Wendy's. and the Queso Fries, brother, AND the Queso Fries!!! cos it's nacho cheese, it's MY cheese. i deserve to celebrate, always celebrate whenever your health dips up slightly. i'll never be at 100% ever again but 43% health is PRETTY good, right?...
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