Luke Russert: oh my god i can't believe this is happening to me. i'm actually getting a second chance here. all i have to do is walk a block up this sidewalk and i'm there at the ThunderBird Bookstore. hang a native left, which is right, and i'm at the bank of yoga studios and practitioners like my spirit walk prophesied.
Tai is in one of the squares wearing pink yoga pants.
Tai: shit YOU are my new client?!!! you gotta be kidding me. the world is too small. fuck my life.
Luke: Tai, don't start. don't start with me. don't start with me by naming all your side husbands to me. thank you for the opportunity, i'm here to heal.
Tai: okay so this is an Ikigai class, Luke. right? Ikigai.
Luke: yes. right.
Tai: okay so in your case, Luke, in my expert opinion, i would say the #1 thing you have to do in your life is: don't eat until you're full. right?
Luke: thank you so EVER much for that priceless nugget of wisdom. i shall internalize it at the library. shall i kiss your hand?
Tai: no.
Luke: when can i see you again? next week? let's schedule it with your pink pencil...
Tai: possibly never.........i might be moving from this location next week...
Luke: so you see this VapoShower i built?
Lindy Lenz: this VapoShower disc? i call it the VapoShower biscuit.
Luke: another of my aborted Tai projects, we would have been so happy in this shower together. so this adds to my soundless shower, you drop the disc on your toes covering the shower drain and wait for the VapoRub fumes to knock you out. helps uncrick the neck, loosen chest knots, and relieve sore arms that don't pitch.
Lindy: give it time. i'm smelling burnt almonds. or is this VapoShower almond-flavored?...
Luke: this VapoShower biscuit is not as good as VapoRub. know why? cos with the VapoRub a beautiful woman rubs the cream on your chest. it's not the Vicks that heals you, it's the fact that another human is touching your body that heals you.
Madame Pons enters the VapoShower.
Madame Pons: this is ingenious!!! see those Coca-Cola-bottle thermal detonators in the corner there? Star Wars kitsch.
Ear Horn: kitch is kitchen stuff, kitsch is from the Old Country...
Madame Pons: obviously these will be our newest bath-bomb design at LUSH.
Jen R and i are at the Tower Theatre at the Tower District of Fresno, California. at the Fresno Film Festival with everyone else. like the podcast crew: Eye Luggage, Laertus, and Dirg. and Rod Serling. i've been sitting in my hard cozy red seat inside the theatre for HOURS NOW WAITING with only Dirg stuffing his face full of popcorn for views.
me: where the fuck is she? please don't stand me up, Jen, my heart couldn't take it.
Jen R enters the theatre and meanders her way half-dead half-sleepy half-drunk half-drug-addled half-surefooted to her seat next to me.
me: JEN!!! missed you. like i REALLY missed you. you're the only person who makes life worth living. you're the only person who makes life not boring, not lonely. i cry when you're not beside me in bed at night. i love you, Jen. *my voice breaking and gulping* i love you, dollface...
Jen R: fret not i'm here. what are we seeing? what's happening what's going on here.
me: no idea. the movie isn't the point, the time is.
Jen R: sorry, i had a court thing.
me: tennis or bailiff?
Jen R: both.........OH CUTE!!! you seen these things?!!! look under your seat, Subway has new bags!!! look at these things, they're these cute brown-paper half-bags that look like cat carriers. this will be replacing my purse. see people don't eat popcorn at the theatre anymore, they eat lunch, they eat sandwiches.
me: and THIS is Reason #47139 why i love you. you are a MOOD, girl. you're the only thing that EXCITES me.
after the movie Jen R and i are strolling leisurely along the empty sidewalk past the old filmhouse and water tower filled with milk. when Jen spots a strange man looking at her funny through the window.
Jen R: how much is that doggie in the window?
Rod Serling: very funny, i don't laugh. noticed. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! i've been stuck here all weekend, locked inside my own gallery.
Jen R: nice place you got here, pops, i wish i had an atelier this nice in Soho. no, i think i'm gonna leave you in the gallery for one more weekend. it's for your own good, this is about your spiritual growth. truth is i swallowed the key. you can take the time to come up with new story ideas.
Rod: yeah you're right. Night Gallery wasn't as good as Twilight Zone cos i was older and tired all the time. so exhausted i couldn't pick up a pencil to write. you have to make sacrifices as you age. for instance, my life now: i have to decide today whether i'll spend the remaining money i have in the bank on Frontline cat-flea medicine or an IcyHot stick for my chest...
Suzy Lu: i wear Invisalign braces on my teeth now. thank the Loch they're clear instead of black. tho i do wear black railroad tracks on my gums.
Kakashi: see? now you mumble like me, now nobody knows what you're saying cos you're essentially wearing a mask all the time...
Suzy: just to have a piece of toast at 3PM is a pain in the arse. i gotta take off the Invisalign, wash them, brush my teeth, and swallow. swallow ALL the foam. i'm gonna lose a lot of weight.
Kakashi: all the weight will go to your Orihime tits...
Leslie Sbrocco: there is no more cutthroat business than the restaurant business, the dasher of dreams.
Morgan Bolling: diner and dasher...
Leslie Sbrocco: it's more cutthroat than lasting in bed with me or finding lifelong love...
Rubikon: wait, Caleb Williams's number is 13?!!! oh no, no no no, this just can't happen, this simply cannot be, he's got to get another number. and just when USC was STARTING to get back to prominence. and i don't even believe in all that numerology crap!!!
Roger Federer: not true, boys DO need batteries.........for our 7 remote controls...
Molly Qerim: Qerim, it rhymes with harem.........hey do you want to pronounce it correctly or not?!!!...
Eye Luggage: how you feeling, babe?
Laertus: a smidge better. all that black smoke from your mom's ear candle has entered my lungs and coated them all black.
Eye: you got goth lungs now, babe.
Fraggles: the moment you look at us is the moment you begin to cry...
Zardoz: i look like Zeus...
Zeus: i'm handsomer.
Xfinity: our Asian kids hate homework and love power outages...
Lucio Rossi: are you like me? do you get SCARED at the sound of a dial tone?...
Robin Koni: when i get done with my spirit-wolf paintings, i use the excess oil to sponge them into bath bombs...
Doryce: if i drink cum my body will be rejuvenated?...
Gladyce: no dear, that says cumin, CUMIN, dear...
Leslie Sbrocco: i get hotter as i get older!!! my tits get BIGGER the older i get!!! my gilfness INCREASES with age!!!
healing hummingbird: where's Gladyce? i can't see her!!! i want to bite her because she's so sweet, she's such a good person.
Gladyce: stop flapping your wings, dear, and live in the moment, deep-breath and you'll see me again.
Doryce: i can attest, Gladyce tastes sweet...
Greykid: chewing lice? that's the most disgusting concept of all time in a cat's mind...
Daniil Medvedev: no i don't look like Pete Sampras. i'm not Pete Sampras...
Eye Luggage: Metalocalypse: Army of the Doomstar and go.
Brendon Small: i did not come up SMALL with this one. it's a pretty good ending, right? what the fuck is up with these online reviews? they're saying this thing is ALL LORE AND NO LAUGHS. well excuse me, princess, i had to force an entire season into 90 minutes Venture Bros.-style, ma'am!!! why did it take so long? ask Rick and Morty...
Nathan Explosion: where am i?...
the Doomstar: like the Death Star but cooler.........lots of shattering stained-glass everywhere...
Xavier: Renegade Angel: behold!!! i am the Meddle Monk of the Black Kok uh Klok...
Brendon Small: look it's cool. but what we need is a 2-hour Home Movies theatrically-released film. right? that's what you guys REALLY wanted...
H. Jon Benjamin: it would be the only work i've gotten in five months. Bob Belcher is on the Strike backburner until January 2024...
at the grocery store.
Nathan: it's called a Food Library, not a grocery store.
Luke Russert: i've been doing it wrong my whole life.
Nathan: yeah, come here to be educated. read books with pages of bologna flipping back and forth.
Dethklok: Toki, how'd you survive being kidnapped by the Revengeancers?
Revengeancers: btw, Revengeancers is the coolest name ever for a cult.
Murderface: are we gonna have to cult-deprogram you, buddy?
Toki: no it's okay, i had my teddy bear Deaddy Bear i hugged and kissed all over each night alone in my bed for comfort at that cult tennis club.
Skwisgaar: bed women over 90 instead of bears.
Pickles: why are you mumbling?
Toki: i don't talk funny, that's my accent...
at the press conference.
press: where have you been?
Nathan: people are saying the "Rehabklok" episode of Metalocalypse was better than this whole movie. so you can appreciate why we were hesitant to come back.
press: why are you having bad dreams? is it because these things happened?
Nathan: is the Xanax giving anyone else nightmares? no? just me? can a panic attack cause a runny nose and a sore throat?...
at church.
Pickles: i'm the mother of this group. and you are all my misbehaved kids. this was such an '80s scene at church, the mother with three crying kids on her arm in the pew and she's praying to God why He allowed her to have these many children.
Nathan: i'm on my hands and knees, Abigail. take me back. let's have a family together, two little squirts, a metal boy and a girl who likes Taylor Swift.
Janeane Garofalo: oh, so NOW we like Abigail now that i'm not voicing her anymore?!!! am i really that annoying? it's tough enough being asexual...
Nathan: i'm naked in the back of my mental-hospital gown, the audience and crowd can see my BIG HAIRY BUTT.
Abigail: Nathan, we're not even DATING. you can't just BE with someone, you have to DATE them first.
Jen R: are you listening?
me: that hurts. all is want to do is be with you, that's my only life goal.
Jen R: are you listening?
Abigail: do you really think we'd last?
Nathan: yes. especially when you did that thing when you pushed my massive head down to go down on you. i mean that's pretty hot for a woman.
Nathan: Abigail rejected me so now life has no purpose. life is meaningless. well more than usual cos it's happening to ME. that is so metal, that is so brutal. i don't want my life to be metal, i want a life of soft happiness. FUCK YOU, FANS!!! you don't love me, you love the IDEA of me. you love me cos i have money. i'm a proxy for your pathetic lives, as long as my life sucks yours doesn't have to. all you care about is when the next album's coming out. Nirvana only had one album!!!
crowd of legions of fans: that hurts. that's cold, dude. we love you. we love you more than your mom.
Amy Lee: this is my cameo as a fan in the crowd.........the existential questions persist: did Evanescence make me or did i make Evanescence?...
Scott Ian: i'm the dude with the scarecrow beard. covid is more metal than anthrax...
King Diamond: i'm the man in the purple suit and bouffant hair who sells you diamonds at the mall. Cradle of Filth was not a good name for a burger joint.
Jon Hamm: i want to marry Flo from Progressive, that is my only goal in life.
Thundercat: Suicidal Tendencies was the first hip-hop group. Flying Lotus is the name of the species E.T. comes from...
Dr. Rockzo: and now, ladies and gentlemen, i present to you an evening of musical theatre contemplating what comes after death. Rocky Horror Picture Show cut with My Fair Lady. it's about LOVE, folks, as the Beatles said. not drugs. well, unless the drug brings you to love. or takes you to love. did you know that Jesus suffers with us? when you're snorting that cocaine up your nose, God snorts cocaine up HIS nose to make you feel better, to make you feel less alone.
Fuerza: what they don't tell you is that a woman actually COOKS the cocaine...
Nathan: PTSD is a bitch. why'd you kill yourself, Magnus Hammersmith?
Magnus Hammersmith: i look like Steven Tyler, society can't have that now...
Murderface: come on, Toki, get it together, regressing to a child-like state as a coping mechanism? that sucks.
Toki: the Bible says be a child. i like it here at Mordhaus.
Murderface: you're just hiding from the world!!! you're like Kirsten Dunst in that castle in Melancholia!!!...
Charles Offdensen: you must compose the "Song of Salvation." it's not a church song. we don't want Mr. Salacia losing any more weight on Noom.
Nathan: is this song gonna be more like "To Forgive" or "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"?
Billy Corgan: can i be in Dethklok? i never meant for Smashing Pumpkins to be a New Wave band, i wanted us to be a METAL BAND!!!
Dick Knubbler: i knubbled one too many times and now i'm blind. prayer circle every morning at 5 in the minaret with one Spicoli bagel down your surfer shorts.
Murderface: oh no i got possessed by the evil spirit of Salacia!!!
Salacia: me this not a spectre, you goat-looking bastard. i appear before you to advocate for your dental health.
General Crozier: i have such a warm comforting grandpa voice for being a cutthroat military man. i'm Burl Ives if he joined the Navy. if Sterling Holloway ran to Korea and fucked shit up.
Sterling Holloway: i'm a Democrat from Georgia...
Murderface: the Army of the Doomstar are the fans, whoops, wasn't supposed to reveal that. should i shave my mustache? i look like Mr. Kotter. do i have any musical talent?
Nathan: no.
Murderface: do you like eating many hot dogs? i'm like my bass, you can't hear the bass but you know it's there. you can feel me, you can feel my bass. and my face.
Nathan: like feeling a devastating 10.0 earthquake that flattens Fresno. vibrations, good vibrations.
Nathan: do i write this song for the fans, for my parents, for me, for Charles Offdensen, for my bandmates, for the world, or for Abigail?.........definitely for Abigail...
Nathan: OH MY GOD GOD IS A WHALE!!!
whale: stop that, lad, stop your twitching, before i rap your fingers. i'm Juliet Mills.
Nathan: oh yeah, from Passions, i LOVED that soap opera!!! watched it every noon on NBC, fuck Peacock, with my thermos of shrimp soup. what are you doing inside a whale?
Juliet Mills: i'm looking for my Timmy, this whale swallowed Timmy the live doll...
Spock: ...
Nathan: thanks mom, for keeping my childhood room the same. you even kept my Venture Bros. poster!!!
Laraine Newman: no problemo, honey. this voice-acting thing is easy. i left your room exactly like when you were starring in Rugrats as a baby in diapers.
Nathan: that's Home Movies, mom. mom, did you and dad really do it and make me? that's so sick.
Laraine Newman: i used to be hot, honey!!! check your mother out in a leotard in Perfect. i made John Travolta swoon. i was the only girl Vinnie Barbarino could never conquer.
Brendon Small: call me what you will but the music here as always KICKS ASS AND METAL BLOOD!!! THIS soundtrack is an actual Nevermind album!!! "Aortic Desecration" is better than anything, say, the band Anthrax has ever produced. i shoulda been in a band. picture me in the band Tool: i do all their music videos, instead of everything Claymation all Tool videos are cartoons drawn by me...
Salacia: i mean does the world REALLY need the Washington Monument?
Murderface: sorry, guys, i feel awful for my behavior. i'm a very negative person, but Luke Skywalker needs his foil to give balance to the Force, Luke Skywalker needs his Porkins.
Mark Hamill: i miss Batman, Harley, and Leia...
Edgar Jomfru: the guy in the wheelchair saves the day.
Nathan: and my dad-jokes coffee mug collection from Progressive.
Jomfru: see? fans aren't useless.
Skwisgaar: except those OnlyFans porn-with-a-fan videos...
Jomfru: "SOS," not the Rihanna song...
Salacia: The Great Reuniting, it's not a cult thing, it's that thing at the Australian Open when the weather reaches below-100 for ONE DAY and everybody dances in the courtyard.
Salacia: I'M AIZEN BUTTERFLY!!!
Juliet Mills whale: Go Into The Water...
Salacia: Dasani?
Juliet Mills whale: no, Fiji Water, untouched by man.........water is made by Timmy's little doll-hands puppet fingers...
Brendon Small: so obviously this last scene here the Sermon on the Mount is ME thanking the REAL-LIFE FANS of my show Metalocalypse for all the years of support, comfort, and pickles.
Nathan: The Great Reuniting was the Metalocalypse fans all along.
Allison Mack: can i be a guest-voice on this?...
Nathan: i learned all this because i was locked inside a stone Flintstones bedroom. thanks mom.
Abigail: so i wish Nathan and i could have gotten together in the end, settled down, had twins. i know my Nathan, he likes to drink wine and fondue and talk about his feelings.
Nathan: all the shit i've been through in my life, i'll never be 100% again. my body can only return to the 43% version full of aches and pains in my neck, chest, and gut...
Jen R: think about it. think different. think some more and take notes. blow your own mind tonight. eat a Strokes record and wear the Basquiat crown for a minute in a subway bathroom. whoa ho. g'night folks.
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