Eye Luggage: okay so these are pretty cool, mom. wait, let me put my LP record of FM-84's song "Tears" on our spiderwebby chrome Victrola phonograph.
Ear Horn lays 7 lachrymatories out on her dining table with the kitchen tablecloth like it were her bedspread.
Ear Horn: gently. like a spread. these are lachrymatories, glass flutes meant to carry the tears felled off the left rosy cheeks of Victorian women whose husbands died at 29 of dysentery.
Link: wait a minute, if you gather 7 of these lachrymatories and glue them together with my magic hand that's a Stussy Bodyglove Holt Hanley surfing glove, you form my OCARINA!!! my entire recurrent life makes sense now...
Eye: the carvings on the glass are so ornate, so particular. so churchey and ritualistic, i love it. all the tiny secret flowers which are daisies. i love how the tears smell fragrant and scented like vased flowers. i love both my collections, this collection and my Garbage Pail Kids collection, for different reasons. can i keep them?
Ear: i've only filled up one lachrymatory in my whole life, it was when your father died.........it's not the WHY i was crying viscous tears that you think...
Laertus: i'm scared.
Ear: honey, i need you to go to your mall friends and anyone else you know and collect salty tears from them, that's a friend thing to do, right? it shows you care.
Eye: yep, these lachrymatories are just about the most goth things that have ever existed.
Ear: GO OUT!!! GO FORTH!!! and collect ALL the tears. go on your bikes and your skateboards, roll on the crunchy leaves in service to succor!!! everyone deserves a rebound. i'm gonna use the tears to water rare delicate goth flowers that are medicinal in sealing the hole in a torn heart. they're gonna prepare you two for your big night next week.
Laertus: i'm scared. but i can hear.
Lucio Rossi: what do i cry about? when i got my new home phone installed in my canyon cantilever Sherman Oaks hill, why'd it have to be FOUR silver-and-black Panasonic handheld phones? who the FUCK needs 4 phones?
Derek Carr: ...
Julie Patzwald, blankly: what gets me sad at night? my life. i wish i would have regretted more, then i would have done something about it. also, the stucco on my ceiling looks like oatmeal, keeps me up nights cos it's so damn distractingly delicious and toasty tasty...
Jem: people make fun of my hot pink hair, but think about it, me with BROWN hair would have been worse...
Nancy Paranzuela: Carvel Pussy cake, i coulda come up with that, that would have been a billion-seller at Playboy Clubs!!!
Roy Paranzuela, Sr.: do you know how much it sucks when you're a trained fighterjet flyer and there's no war going on?
Roy Paranzuela, Jr. eating soap flakes: i believe in Santa Claus. like Molly from TaleSpin believes in Santa Claus.
Jen R: i'm sad whenever i miss a call from a loved one...
Luke Russert: i cry whenever i think of my dad interviewing Donald Trump...
Lindy Lenz: i'm on the side of women but i still bore tears for the death and spirit-walk-passing of Bob Barker. we had a ken between us that one show. 99 is cooler than 100, right? that's what the red, white, and yellow Native American feathers i saw all along my sidewalk path to Don's Plum kept telling me hushedly as raindrops swirled in my mouth. a talking spayed dog on the sidewalk kept telling me Uzumaki was just okay...
Pete Crow-Armstrong: follow the path my ancestors laid out. i played Little League in Sherman Oaks but my mom never let me go to the Galleria cos she was practicing being a hero and told me mall food was poison.
Tai: i'm nervy and distressed and my ducts get a little misty whenever my yoga pants showing my TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT butt aren't the color of Jem's hair...
John McEnroe: i always cried inside when i stormed the net to volley after my funky lefty serve and Jimmy Connors hit a passing shot that passed me zipping my headband...
Ear Horn: inside tears are no good for lachrymatories...
Jen R: i love when my swept leaves swirl Ike the Uzumaki swirl...
ESPN: the keys for Gauff to win the U.S. Open and become the #1 player in the world...
Madison Keys: that's cold, ESPN...
Novak Djokovic: i make friends wherever i go...
Lucio Rossi: unlike the terrifying sound of a phone dial tone, the sound of FEROCIOUS RUMBLING THUNDER is soothing and comforting to me...
neck: ditch the IcyHot, get ACUPUNCTURE!!!
Minster: everyday at the monastery, all you're doing all day is looking into the abyss...
Dirg: i'm too sick to write...
Mark Hapka: yeah but $11.11 on DoorDash is expensive...
Lain from Serial Experiments Lain: FACTORY RESET. that's the key, factory reset. whenever you get in a jam in life, factory-reset yourself...
Vanquish: got a lump in your head? not our fault...
Julie Patzwald, blankly: did you know you can get people to shop for you? because the LAST PLACE you ever want to find yourself at is the MALL...
Eye Luggage: wait are you the shoppee or the shopper in this scenario?...
Basquiat: crazy or brilliant art, there's no difference...
Ed Sheeran: my hair caused the 100-degree heat, sorry...
Pati Jinich: you gotta love telenovelas on Sunday morning, only in Mexico, you can't watch soap operas on the weekends in America!!!
Outer Limits "Decompression": we need someone who CARES as President. we can't have a President who's a cokehound!!!
chugga chugga choo choo: Doryce on Thursdays.
Muller: i wasn't able to take down Trump, but i WILL take down whichever Titan Eren is hiding inside in...
Baloo: you would have crushed the Titans in Season 10 if you had used my seaplane...
Titans: deFEETed by our own stomp-print...
Jessica Van Ord: I am why you continue climbing up a dank dark damp cave on a sliding stretcher needing a blood transfusion every hour...
Mark Dickey: i'm not trying to be a dick here. don't bomb me, i'm in a cocoon...
Wilford Brimley: ...
Ear Horn: oh bliss!!! these are all great collections of tears you've found for me amongst the traffic masses, dearies, i thank you from the bottom of my bottom.
Laertus: sorry we couldn't land you any ear tears.
Ear: the eye tears shall be used most appropriately in the pursuit of healing love. have you ever done it in Wrigley Field while the Chicago Cubs were playing a baseball game?
Eye: no but i saw a couple doing it in a pickleball court.
Ear: but what do YOU cry tears over, darling daughter?
Eye Luggage: i only cry whenever i'm apart from Laertus. as long as i'm with him i'm golden, i'm cool.
Laertus: yeah, same. i mean, when it comes to your daughter. you know what i mean.
Ear: come, yes. ah, very daring. i mean JESUS you two are sickly-sweet mushy-mushy. i love it. sigh. i wish i still had someone i could love all over like this again, hug like a teddy bear at all hours of the witching. longing for lovey-dovey. someone of my own. somebody's baby.
Eye Luggage: what about the Wolfman? he fancies you.
Ear Horn: his cock is too fuzzy.
2 comments:
Salty Tears is the name of my next band. I will play the triangle in a Pirate hat.
Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart caused by you oo-oo -oo
If you water your plants with tears they turn into seaweed.
Cry me a river.
I get sad when I look at a sepia photograph of someone and I don’t know who it is. Or if anyone does anymore. A dusty old fading image of a once magnificent person who was loved.
I’m too sick to wrong.
Crazy or brilliant art is just an opinion. It doesn’t matter who likes your art if you have done it with love and passion as a gift to the universe.
*)
i saw that as Sally Tears, mah dahlin, that WOULD be a cool band name.
Tears For Fears: ...
that's the last R.E.M. song...
good for the plants, the world will be a big ocean soon, they need to be seaweed to survive
i have a thing for sepia, it does something to my body. when i eat it. that stained-tea look. it transports me to a better time. those very first photographs are FASCINATING. you are loved, my sweet, and i am loved, we love each other forever.
sick: both meanings.
yes, but the universe has no money to pay me...
love you
*)
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