Thursday, August 24, 2017


Putin takes the mic.

Putin: your country is magnificent. filled with all manner of fighters willing to sacrifice for it. from all spectrums and colors. but especially purple. i wish my country had the fortitude. we have the patience but not the progress. that shall be remedied soon enough. to the young lady forever placed in the pantheon of civil-rights warriors, she fought for social justice, real social justice, not internet justice. she went outside. and the brave sailors, men of blue who look funny with their hats and scarves but that's not their fault who take to the white choppy waters each day in an effort to calm and coax. it is a job that's more dangerous than one realizes, especially with rogue swimmers in the sky. thank you from the bottom of our black hearts and black souls. God Bless America.

Mooch: and here we have the longaniza and meat-stuffed pumpkin. enjoy your majesty.

Bump: beef-stuffed pumpkin?

Mooch: turkey.

Bump: aw. i got sore guts now.

"chicken," Putin smiles.

"ham," Bump looks down.

Bump: where's the Herradura?

a horse skips on the ocean.

horse: did someone say tequila? here you go, straight from my horseshoe.

Bump: i hate my Cabinet, Vlad. there's that one guy that has an overstuffed pumpkin head...and that one guy who talks a lot about trash who looks like a child molester...

Putin: worry not, my liege, they will all be integrated.

a shrieking babbling man with no hair or shirt runs for his life across the stealth-bomber runway.

Bump: and there's that guy. the crying skinhead. that guy, too.

Putin: you shouldn't have to answer to anybody. do it all yourself. but remember what we practiced. you're using the methods i ingrained into you that one session?

Bump: with the pins? relaxed me. sure. using it on old Woolsey. attached it to his heart. i have the monitor at Bump Tower. like a videogame. if Woolsey gets too nervous he sets off the nuclear codes and boom! haha!, you should see him on tv. all calm and collected no matter the next-day controversy i cause, sweating bullets! heehee. and i threatened to take away his family's wool fortune and give it to the people. give them back their wool jobs. that's why he's named that, right?

Putin: no that's his real name, it's not a code name. gotta keep up.

Bump: the only good thing to come out of this job is Katy Tur.

Putin: we have problems with her.

Bump: i want to dig her so bad!

Putin: she has that big protruding hooked nose if you know what i mean.

Bump: what i love the Jews! no, her nose is French-hooked. she had that boyfriend in Paris.

Putin: i know, that boyfriend was me! it was kinda like Mel B's wedding night...

Bump: who needs an executive dining room when an aircraft carrier is your tabletop!!? and that Eclipse is mine. i bought it. i paid for it. thanks Obama.

Putin: join me in the trenches.

the two heads hide in the hole created on the sub. Putin gets his shovel out to dig some more.

Putin: back up, creep, you're crushing me. you like being here in the bunker?

Bump: just like General Pershing...

Putin: you know it was i who sent you that email.

Bump: makes me hungry for longaniza seconds. i left my bullets in my other pants, use them for toothpicks. come, let's finish this party at Jamaica Estates.

Putin: uh, sure, i'm still on a kind of vacation.


at the monastery it's crunchtime. everyone plans their lives according to the Occultation. the Men From the East all become pallottines in rushjob ceremonies during the two minutes of the Eclipse. the Hooded Figure is exhausted but not from that.

the hooded figure: finding the Sword of Saad was a blessing. but i'm afraid it's left me listless and shot. we have constructed a penny-farthing one for each man and we are ready to ride. but the energy coming off the job site has drained my energy.

the Men From the East: so sorry to hear that, lord. we work the work site fine without any pain nor puncture.

the hooded figure: it's just me? curious.

Men From the East: your face is turning red!

the hooded figure: i better lay down.

the Men construct a mat woven from the surrounding trees. they lay their leader in a soft blanket made from their robes and place the hooded figure by the small pool of the burgeoning waterfall.

the hooded figure: i'm in the perfect position to tell you all about sleep. sleep is power. our imagination doesn't come from our dreams, it's the other way around. let us pray together tonight.

the Men form a prayer circle around their fallen farthing. they meditate, the hooded figure sleeps.

the hooded figure:


hooded figure: *the next morning* what did you see, my children?

Men: space whales! blue whales flying in the multicolored spectra of rainbow space!

hooded figure: yes. YES! me, too! except on one of mine stood a horse with one wing riding the large mammal. or sitting as the case may be, sitting because the horse had but one wing.

JUST THEN the Eclipse happens. that scares a pack of elephants who rush-roam over the hill and rampage at top speed into the church carved in the side of the underground mountain, completely razing it off from the face of the planet. burying it in 9 feet of rubble.

Men: *pulling their hairs out* OUR HOME!!!

the hooded figure punches their chests.

hooded figure: hearts cannot be demolished.

on top of everything else the storm of elephants drink up all the pools of water in their wake.

Men: thirsty trunks. come, we must find water.

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