Wednesday, January 18, 2017


history repeats itself this is true, but not usually at the same time.

Madchen sits on her throne looking at her apple watch.

Herlina: what time is it?

Madchen: doesn't say. *wearily* where is the new information? i need the new information NOW!

Herlina: the people aren't happy with you. they don't agree with your cabinet. it's all rich women.

Madchen: *lighting a cigarette* not rich women, people who are rich because they are women. it's the end of the world, i'm only choosing the most qualified. what would they have me do? i have to have people i can trust. the ones who will work well with me, the ones who work better together.

Herlina: *scrolling* ugh, everywhere i scroll it's pics of babes who write as their caption below their gym selfie how they shouldn't have eaten that donut. it's making me guilty for eating that donut this morning.

Madchen: you should feel guilty. donuts aren't healthy. that's not a breakfast. you need to get meat on your bones, have a breakfast corndog! sausage in pancake batter.........well you need to get stronger anyway.............i'll be in my chambers, i tire of royal life.

Madchen gets up just as a blade comes between a slit in the seat of her throne and shoots upward. Madchen spots Eefus by the side of the long rug shaking her head at Madchen constantly.

Madchen: what's got your goat? you frisky or something? cuffing season? or you just have fleas?

Eefus: it would behoove you to behave. your majesty is my majesty. it's all a straight line.

Madchen: riddles are good in the morning, get your mind right. by evening all we want are straight answers.

Madchen retires to her grooming room as the two-tailed goat fidgets with her jowls.

Eefus: *under her breath* i can't say. but i hope to Cotard you figure it out. where's my sugarcubes?

Herlina: what?

Eefus: sorry, i guess i was still undering my breath. sugarcubes?

Herlina: great band. itunes.

Eefus: no i need my strength.

Herlina: oh. eat my donut tomorrow morning. i don't need it anymore.

Eefus: y'know i think i'll take an adventure. i need to graze.

Eefus finds a couple of brown sugarcubes by the door which have soaked up the ceaseless rains. she takes one lick and expels them like cud cos they taste like floodwater. she tries to flick them off the pythons of her elbows like salt bae but she finds she can't cos she doesn't have the same powerful pythons, just four sticks.


Matthew Chris: *on an alternate tv* so it turns out Director Coney was the mole. he was the one working for Vlad. he was Nina Myers. Bump was a red herring. the reason CNN got that shot of Bump and Vlad eating red herring together at the Kremlin was cos they both like their herring with ketchup. it's still unclear who's playing whom but that doesn't mean you have to let a good meal go to waste. i believe i had that. i win the office pool. and now i am going to go to the pool, strip naked, and get this pale-white masshole blue-whale carcass in there and wash between the ridges. you can interview me from the pool like Johnson did. i still like the press. it's obvious now, right? coney, triangle, illuminati, illuminaughty.


Harfi is having a crisis of faith. for most this entails a questioning of sexuality or gender or race or identity-politics or general philosophy. it doesn't usually entail one questioning whether they're human or not.

Harfi has been hanging out in caves for months. everyone's worried.

the cats: take off that colorful blanket. it's not native, it's hipster native.

Harfi: i warm my hands by the base campfire but feel no warmth in this world.

the cats: you're wearing mittens. only kittens should wear mittens.

Harfi: it's like i'm holding two diametrically-opposed ideas in my head at the same time.

the cats: that's the definition of insanity.

Harfi: it's like being a militant vegan but still liking the trailer for that new McDonald's movie. i feel everything i've been fighting for up to this point has been a lie. i feel i must sublimate into another being in order to be happy.

Eefus: there's no finding happiness. you either find happiness or you find the truth.

Harfi: who said that? a ghost?

the cats: we know but should we tell her? these type of things you need to discover for yourself.

Harfi: i shall lie down on this appropriately-cold floor and sleep. that's the best way to evade hunger, by sleeping. when i would be sent to my room without supper by my mom i took that as a blessing. but i was training back then for stupid foolish wars. now i know. goodbye.

the cats: y'know there is such a thing as too much sleep. learn from us, we take catnaps throughout the day. we're always frisky. yes when you're tired all you can think about is being tired. but when you are rested the last thing you want to do is sleep, you want to live finally.

Eefus transforms into herself from a painting of a brown outline of an ancient bull on the cave walls. she breathes thick blue smoke from her vibrant nostrils. it's not just a cold day.

Eefus: i'm getting it back. i tracked you pretty easily.

the cats: ehhh, we weren't trying. we could beat you if we wanted but we're lazy. Codrus made us that way.

Harfi gets an alert on her phone which wakes her up from her precious slumber. she jostles and stumbles to find her way in the dark. the lit screen helps.

Herlina: i sent you an app. gonna be wet for five days straight. get yourself protected. i'm not talking about sex. im talking about the incoming flood.

Harfi: thanks, babe. the little tsunami symbol? it's so tiny. i can barely touch it.

Herlina: we get it, you have soldier's hands. want me to come with? i really need to get out of the castle. can't be raised in too much stuffiness. it'll be good to take the baby out for a walk.

Harfi: aren't you nine months? my watch doesn't tell time. sure, what could go wrong? hey wait, the blue flood symbol is blinking blue...................*apple reset tone*............i go to touch it with the tip of my thumb and time stands still, flowing in slow's like the chasm between the screen and reality is closing in.............the little icon shakes and swirls upside down and pops leaving the screen.........jumping into my eye.........and my eyes are transformed into oval cateyes! golden like the sun! i smell things! despite my cold. and i'm not tired anymore.

Harfi gets on all fours and sniffs the ground. she races away through the cave, breaking open another wall and creating ANOTHER drafty hole.


Carmen has been living on her own for weeks now. everyone's worried. on a patch of land she dubbed Mullumbimby after hearing the name in a dream she had, named after her ancestral home. every morning at crack she gets up, skips breakfast, and gets on her cute little bicycle. the quaint villagers all notice the same thing, they are the Lutum hive-mind after all, they see an old hag negotiating brown hills and dirty streams to get to market to sell the fresh eggs from her hen parties. indeed Carmen has aged quite a bit in a short time. she does this all on her own.

Carmen: without that bike i don't have a life. i need a means to escape. the authorities. my broom doesn't fly in the strange gravity of Kepler like it did on Earth. this won't be published anywhere, right?

Wolf: just online.

Carmen sees a strange wolfman charging at her from the distance and starts to pedal but soon realizes it's only Gordon.

Carmen: whajuwant?

Ramsay: *panting heavily* i'm panting heavily. i can't run like my soccer days. i have express orders from the bitch, i mean witch, herself. you're to come back home. let's cook together at the castle. i cleared the cobwebs off the carving board and everything. besides...

Ramsay cracks a few eggs in the wire basket hanging off Carmen's bicycle.

Ramsay: see? look at the yolks. dripping wet and bright orange. ORANGE. they're the special eggs. this means something.

Carmen: i..........i knew they were orange.

Ramsay: sure. magic. but i gleaned it off chef's intuition. human stuff, babe, you should try it.

Carmen: and the same glint that comes off your michelin stars. well let's go, gentleman.

Ramsay: so your bike?

Carmen: no, you carry me on your back!


at the private quarters the mortar stones are basically now gray cubes of ice. Madchen runs her slender finger along the face of the skull on her desk, the one that reminds her of her mortality. the skull wears a pointy joker's hat. the image of Lysander squeezes blue into the face of the skull and laughs. he wags his tongue and writes DAMAGED on the forehead of the skull with Madchen's feather quill. he turns back without her noticing. another body's presence is felt in the room.

Madchen: go. i need to meditate.

Mozart wheels in his piano. he is all blue like his songs. he begins to play Chopsticks and stops.

Madchen: that's it?

Mozart: yep.

Madchen: well that was trash.

Mozart: but it was ME playing Chopsticks.

Madchen: just proves my point. it's about substance, not celebrity.

a dripping Ramsay barges in and drops Carmen like a sack of day-old potatoes.

Ramsay: pardon your miss but what is your pleasure?

Madchen: i don't need no man. i saw a recipe online. Russian pelmeni. go with that.

Ramsay: at once, my liegess. and Carmen will help me.

Madchen: great now we're harboring a criminal. i should turn you in but i am the authorities and the paperwork is messy. just keep her entertained.


at the galley.

Ramsay: i'm so fucking tired. i'm just gonna take a quick nap on the cutting board here.

Mozart: you aren't seriously entertaining the idea of making those dumplings? that traitorous pelmeni? i consider you a cad.

Ramsay: of course. it says right here on the ticket Putin Pelmeni. and those dumplings are so cute they can't be that bad.

Mozart: for shame. Europe had a better sense of things when i was in it. what's the point of a lineage? you've let us all down.

Ramsay tries to flick the salt into the batter salt-bae-style but is too exhausted. Carmen does it upside down.

Ramsay: whajureckon?

Mozart: they taste like dog balls.

Ramsay: *tearing up* okay, hold on, let me make you a treat i know you'll love, mozartkugeln.

Mozart: the fuck?

Ramsay: it's good chocolate with gooey centers, like your gooey heart.

Mozart: it tastes like dog shit. but more egregious it LOOKS like dog shit. you have the balls to name this after me?

Ramsay: dammit man you're gonna make me cry.

Mozart: aw widdle ol' effeminate me in my sock tights and powdered wig makes the big strong man cry?



Madchen sits down finally.

Madchen: i don't see what the problem is, Lysander.

Lysander Skull: oh you see me? you know i'm here?

Madchen: i got Maike as my Secretary of State-Run Housing and Truus as my trusty sidekick in charge of glass cannons. i'm writing my inaugural address as i speak. here's the galley proof.

Lysander: ma'am this is a constitution. you're writing a constitution.

Madchen: i need a man. to balance things out. i wish my son were here. how many were in attendance at my Inauguration?

Lysander: zero. it did worse than ESPNEWS and an afternoon television showing of the FIFA movie. this could mean one of two things: either nobody watches inaugurations anymore, or...

Madchen: streaming. it's killing television. i see all. i am the Seer.

Lysander: the Regular Show Seer?

Madchen: okay well i'm not as hip. btw see if the Seer is doing anything after the finale, we need her on our team. *lighting a cigarette* oh and close the door wouldya? it's too bright in here. i'm starting to see ghosts.

for a split second Madchen thinks she sees Hartwin leaning against the door's jar.

Lysander: can't. not a door. a hole. these walls are like glass.


the rain in the hyrulian countryside is starting to drop upwards and turn to gas in space. the bushes yield no fruit when slashed. the hunting party scours all sides for a solution. they come upon a deserted mountain flush in foliage. Harfi, still on all fours, gets her foot stuck at the foot of the mountain.

the cats: it's not a mountain. try to get out of it.

Harfi stands upright and jumps.

Eefus: this isn't a joke. look carefully. see what you have never seen before.

Harfi sniffs hard. her foot was stuck for a reason. there's something lodged between them. it's a tiny icon in the earth unearthed from all the shaking.

Harfi: wow. it's the flood emoji from instagram. but the thing is, it's exactly the same size as my flood-emoji icon on my phone. like it's tiny, 1 centimeter on all sides.

the cats: computers are getting more realistic these days.

Harfi holds the small square in the palm of her hand. a rumbling begins at the base of the boulder.

Herlina joins the chat.

Herlina: *panting heavily* wow. i just jogged over here. my knees hurt like the motherfucking dickens. they're killing me!

Eefus: you did it, child! you pulled it off. you finally saw beyond. there was always an extra layer to life, you just had to recognize it and peel it off. this goes for all you girls. you spent your whole lives


a massive wellspring of water bubbles from underground. it rises up and swirls inside the catastrophic cavities of the dormant volcano's interior. a tuft of green ash is all at the top preventing the eruption from blowing its lid. and it *apple reset tone* CRASHES the party. the deep abiding water spews up in a straight line, cold, freezing cold, covering the sky with its own blue. it forms into one gigantic wave which overshadows the entire massive planet of Kepler. it remains steady, steady height and steady width, and it solidifies into not only the center of the planet's core but the core of the universes themselves. the frilly white fingers of foam at its apex edge dance like comets. but then it slows down and you can see that it has a mind of its own. then it speeds up again. then it goes back and forth like an instagram BOOMERANG video.

everyone is moist. Eefus celebrates by gladly taking a long sip at the blue base of the wave's tail.

Eefus: this is it! the Wandering Wave. this is the real resource here, not me. you had to find it for yourself. you had to be led by your feelings. now i will be strong again, this is the liquid elixir i need to sustain for a billion years. no need to war over me anymore, i'm yours!


Musculo in the desert. he swings at the air with his grand sword. the winds are so strong they are able to batter the flat rough edges of the sandy plains, smoothing them out. Musculo sees the apparition of the white woman in the distance. he runs to her as fast as his cloud under him can take him, outlasting and outplaying the offing. he lunges at her with his sword.

Musculo: shake my hand, miss, please.

the white lady giggles, loses her face, and turns into a rock.


at that exact moment, the moment of the eruption is the same moment Herlina is not paying attention to the world.

Herlina: my water broke!

Herlina faints but luckily it's into the waiting tail of Eefus, who wraps both lives equally, carefully, and warmly. Eefus sighs hard externally through her nose and uses her other tail to wag furiously happy.


Jules said...

History also echoes. And boomerangs like an Insta vid.

illuminaughty. Very good for a crisis of faith. Along with Kitten mittens. Naughty kittens.

HAHA! Ramsay made the Russian dish! YES! That made me sigh, heavily and happily and externally through my nose.

the late phoenix said...

thank you my sweet, i'm gonna use that echo thing in a speech. stirring. i'm glad, i have yet to LOL in real life. mah dahlin please let me know if you have any more food suggestions, i love having my characters consume and imbibe strange foods and drink, the more obscure the better *)