Wednesday, January 11, 2017


this has got to be the surrealist Inauguration ever. and i don't use surrealist painters lightly.

Madchen: my fellow Lutum, the world is a scary place. and it's only gonna get scarier. now more than ever you must hold on to the few friends you have, clutch to their pearls and hang on for dear life. this isn't a new order, this is a new disorder. not a blue monday but a permanent seasonal affective disorder which lasts for four seasons...

Musculo gets up there each time and tries to string together a couple of words to get through it, but it's hard when you're the leader with an approval rating of zero. since the Lutum vote en masse there's no point keeping numbers. Musculo just happened to win at the exact moment the people's temperature was on his scale. they picked a good time to take it. of course later that night the Lutum had swung to Madchen as evidenced by the popular vote. he won but didn't:

Musculo: my fellow Lutum, um, so it's my duty as your sworn leader to look into any election shenanigans and shady dealings from that hack Putin even though that would undermine my legitimacy. i don't know how to proceed.

the crowd is weird. the Lutum in it are not so much supporters as observers. i mean he won but when you canvass the area you can never find one who actually voted for him. but perhaps it's just the Resistance making all the noise.

one thing is clear, though, resistance is fertile. it is one person, one vital person, or should i say one revitalized person. Carmen has found a purpose anew late in her life, though she is still a young woman. she preens in the middle of the bloodbath she caused. each time the time loops, the body count multiples and the streets run red with alien blue blood until she is the only one in the crowd. Musculo sees her in the crowd but it's not a love-at-first-sight thing, quite the opposite. at first glance, it seems Carmen is the generaless of an army of Lutum doing her bidding at her command. for they hang on her every word and stick their necks where they don't belong. but upon further inspection Carmen is so lightning quick with her pricks of her safety pin to random various folk's necks in the crowd it's not noted that she and she alone is doing all the killing. it's mass murder. ninja-style. her eyes are fixed in a tranceful gaze and but one devastating mantra falls from her lips over and over, a spell from one of her wiccan books in the forbidden backsection with all the unverified footnotes and sources. she lunges toward the stage with a zombie's alacrity:

Carmen: i hope he gets assassinated. i hope he gets...

in some timelines Musculo is just able to make an escape by sacrificing his female slaves as meat shields but all loops feature the same deranged man at the foot of the stage clapping and buckling his shoes, the only audience member who tallied the vote at the end:

Russell Brand: one plus one equals two. remember my friend, you must fight for what you believe in. never forget this. you must always fight. you must never concede. the fight must never end. fight!

it is not clear to whom Russell is speaking.


so it doesn't take long with Harfi's handiness and accidental-virus facebook friendship with Norm Abram's hologram to transplant all the campfire timber and nails and hammers and old wives' saws and mortar and paste and relocate to the


in the old establishment. new designs and patterns are put up as is wont for a new administration, and nothing is wanting. the tables are swept. and swept for bugs. and swept for terrorist bugs. the courtyard begins to grow fresh fruit, not just hamburger plants. and croquet comes back in fashion. and croquettes, Ramsay's hologram prepares the croquettes. the curtains are blue, actually, not pink.

Queen Madchen: blue was my sister's favorite color.

Madchen doesn't wear the crown cos it only fits a man's head size.


downstairs there is an eternal custody battle going on. for Herlina. Musculo barges in, breaks down the heavy creaking castle door demanding to take her back from Starscream, who sighs deeper and deeper and more internally with each timeline.

Musculo: wait, i don't want this pig. i was gonna flip this table but forget it.

Herlina: *cries* the baby's not yours! i can tell, it's metallic!

Maury hologram: YOU are the father. i don't know which one. i forgot. i don't think anymore.

Starscream: that's so metal! do i have to throw you on your rumps again?

Musculo: no, it hurts more each time. wait, i do want a son, i need an heir or my life has no continued meaning. um, honey, i can prepare you anything you want to eat, remember? how about a buttermilk pie? or an exotic melktert?

Ramsay: don't try to get european around me, french pig! first course, magische suppen.

Musculo: spanish actually. from the other side of the galaxy. the old old aeons old country.

Herlina: yummy. better than the Stones. magic is chicken soup and a boyfriend.

Starscream: let me write that down. can you get that soup at the Store?

Ramsay: don't bother with musclehead over here. looks like a dog's dinner.

the cats mew.

Ramsay: second course, caprese salad.

Herlina: yucky. i ain't vegetarian and i ain't gonna start now. i got a mouth to feed. and a baby.

Ramsay: third course, branzino, a decidedly european seabass.

Herlina: coat it in Fish Shake 'n Bake and you've got yourself a deal, scary sexy stranger.

Ramsay: all washed down with some orange juice 'n Coke, spezi, mezzo mix.

Musculo: okay, so i obviously know mezzo, i'm spanish.

Ramsay: don't confuse the borders. keep them brightly defined. yeah you know coke. i've dealt with cokeheads in my life. i'm definitely going to throw you out. get out!

Musculo slinks out and returns to his star fort on planet 2 Pallas.

Musculo: if i can't have offspring no one can.


Harfi witnesses the cats playing with each other in the open court area of the royal rope line. by which i mean the cats are wrestling with each other. when one gets tired, the other chases his or her own tail. Harfi finds the concept of chasing one's tail heartbreaking and begins to cry.

Harfi: i mean, it's this part of you that you define as foreign. it's a symbol of going after something you will never ascertain. you'll never get it no matter how hard you try. and it's a part of you so you'll always feel incomplete.......................the future is furry............


Hilary is first in the rope line as always.

Madchen stays planted on her throne.

Madchen: so what you been up to, mama?

Hilary: *giggling hard* no i call you mama. what's up, babe?

Madchen: that's queen b. i'm worried about all my subjects. how they're gonna make it. but i need you to be my friend. i must be friends with all powerful women. i need you to be in my inner circle.

Hilary: you're supported fine by that throne. well i was the one who did it. Bill...

Madchen: wow. black widow. props department. how are you with wearing a black latex pantsuit?

Hilary: *Jenna Marbles face* no, Bill and i started dating again. and well, i was the one who changed the Hollywood sign to Hollyweed. black-flag operation. no need to thank me, universe. not all heroes wear capes.

Madchen: nor much else. i see you're still wearing that ridiculous space-sex-slave uniform. don't tell me you're a cosplayer, too. you haven't sunk that low have you? are you stoned right now?

Hilary: *Hilary laugh* hey at least i did something for the cause, right?


Madchen: where is my fooder? summon him at once!

Ramsay: what you want, your royal highness slag.

Madchen: your food is horrible. i want Carmen back in the kitchen.

Ramsay: that's sexist! i quit.

Madchen: you're already a hologram, mah dahlin.

Ramsay cries for only the second time in his life.

Ramsay: leave me alone! i see the witch sometimes. late at night. not like that. i have a wife. and some kids. i see Carmen skulking at the waterwheel near the old mill. i summon her over to give her a lesson but she's not hearing it. she's either very determined and laser-focused, or she's a strong independent woman. she spends all her time at that wheel. it's like she's eating it. it glows gold. she casts her fingers on it but it just goes backwards from the rushing river. looks like a wheel of yellow cheese.


at the fort. on 2 Pallas. at night:

Lutum: boss, what are you planning? canvas the castle?

Musculo: already did. why do you have a male voice? no matter. don't wait up for me. i'm going for a long pee.........


Penyelamat is next in the rope line for Madchen to entertain. Penye is entertaining just by being so small. he whispers something in her ear and leaves.

Penye: i'm still right here actually.

Madchen:...remember, people, talk to each other, don't argue over the internet. the internet has destroyed more societies than wars. cyberwar is the future. my mentor Penye added that line for me...

Penye: it's true, i hate the internet. i had to recruit from wikipedia. i can't get a date cos i always have to lie about my height.

Madchen:...when i reflect on all i have lost, i shed a tear. internally. i will not cry. i will be steely in my resolve and dry in my eye. it's over. it's all over. we must be vigilant. i got that line from the internet. avoid all permanent alliances and outside influences. i got that line fed to me by my buddy Vlad...

Starscream: you're welcome.

the new Queen sits squarely on her throne and lies back.

Madchen: if you'll excuse me i'm in need of a shit and a shave. well at least a shave.


Jules said...

Resistance is fertile! So is Russell Brand.

Mac ’n’ Cheese, Ramsay! Forget the seabass! Things are already fishy enough. I think you should hack up a nice Russian Pelmeni. *)

the late phoenix said...

that's perfect, my sweet, Russian pelmeni is exactly the type of culture-specific food i scour the obscure cuisine sections of wikipedia for for this story. and it fits perfectly with Vlad. i'm using pelmeni next week i swear! *)