Monday, July 14, 2014


my one dream in life came true, i've been invited to my first party. i've finally been accepted for who i am. i'm so nervous and scared i'm gonna yield to peer pressure and start smoking and drinking and drugging and fucking not cos i want to but because i want to be in the cool-kids clique:

1. afraid to lose the address, come early, come late? i ALWAYS come early, wink wink.

wait, i did that wrong. i always come fashionably late cos i'm cool...well now, that moment was ruined, so...

2. afraid to be over- or underdressed? bring the wrong clothing for the right activity? forget your swimsuit? as far as i'm concerned, every activity can be done in my speedo.

3. afraid to drink too much or too little? other people will drink too much? there won't be non-alcoholic drinks there? i shun alcohol like the plague, that stuff tastes disgusting. whenever i hear people say they'd love an ice-cold frosty beer, i'm like why would you prefer the bitter of beer to the sweet of coke? this one time at a Truth-or-Dare circle, everyone was drinking their Natty Lights, y'know, the good stuff, except me. i asked for water. everyone humiliated me with their laughs. they didn't stop, they kept laughing and laughing and laughing at my request for water. what hurt the most was Tina laughing cos i thought Tina was my platonic friend. i became so nervous to save some face i had to swallow down my anti-nervous pills using Tina's beer. blacked out for a year.

4. afraid the food will be too newfangled and trendy? conventional and boring? nothing to eat that you want? actually in reality nothing to eat? i'm a hipster so i only eat trendy food. i'm also a goth so i gravitate toward anything with "fang" in the name. the meatballs must be Swedish, sure, but they must come from only a very small farm in Sweden that makes them just right. there is only one of these farms in the world, not on the map cos it's so isolated. i own this farm. only i know about my balls. the minute someone else eats my balls, they cease to be hipster. remember the first internet meme ATE MY BALLS?

5. music: afraid the music will be too loud? no music or you can't hear it? the music will be so indie that it's beyond your grasp of understanding? it will just be boring oldies? afraid of everything: afraid of missing out on the newest Nine Inch Nails track because it's so loud that my eardrums pop. a cute girl will tap my shoulder and ask me if i got that reference in the third stanza of the lyrics and i'll have to plead ignorance because i am now deaf. she'll go on to marry Prince Harry instead of me. they'll have a kid that i'll babysit and that kid will make fun of me for listening to that boring-oldies NIN crap.

6. afraid the party will end too soon? not be worth the trouble? go on too long? technically, raves never end, right?

7. afraid to end up in bed with the wrong person and the sex will be bad? wrong person but great sex? right person but no sex? right person who wants it but you're too tired? i'm afraid of ending up with the right person who wants great sex but is too tired.

bonus: i have a lot of party fears, but this calms me down: CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.




Cheeky Minx said...

A Speedo man will always know his balls. And will always come late.

Hey, babe, can I be your party date? :*

Juliette said...

Excellent vid link, Phoenix, excellent!

Just be cool, make sure the speedo's are super tight, stand in the corner looking mysterious with your glass of water and a slice of burnt toast and I guarantee you'll end up in a fang bang.

Enjoy yourself :)

the late phoenix said...

cheeky: i love a fellow rhymer. yes, of course, always! i'll make sure to come on time ;)

juli: oh that link, the curse of artistic genius...

cammies on the floor said...

so fucking funny, every answer

the late phoenix said...

cammies: thanks :)