Monday, July 7, 2014


i am a goth, so the sun is my sworn enemy. however, my favorite show of late was Cosmos, where i learned about the immense beauty of the chemical reaction of the sun and how it stays afloat and churning, and how it is the source of all Earth life, and how one day it will destroy the Earth, so i gained respect for it and give it its props. hence the dilemma.

1. skimpiest summer outfit you'll wear in public? see above.

2. what summer outfits on others turn you on? i'm typing this to you from a nude beach...

3. summer and sex are both hot! does summer weather lead to hot summer sex? no, World Cup Fever does. there are gonna be so many babies created during this month that nine months later will be named Messi and Tim Howard and Neymar and Brazuca and Grass. James will never be pronounced James again, it will go into the dictionary as Hames.

4. summer oysters are off the menu---or are they? wink wink---but what are your summer aphrodisiac foods? the Taco Bell quesarito, the Chipotle quesarito, and that Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float, that was good. also, lots and lots of mild sauce. nothing says hot like mild.

5. what is your favorite summer alcoholic drink? Summer Ale. that was easy. but now i have a problem with it...i drank an Autumn Ale by mistake and was kicked out of the nude beach. i had to wear clothes again. i took the shame.

6. two destinations to beat the heat are the mountains and the shore. where do you rest your tired soles and souls? mountain monastery, perfect. the monks up there have a nude beach, too. that's why they stay.

7. ROAD TRIP!!!: i don't have a car. even if i did, i'm too nervous to drive. i play a lot of Pole Position in my room. i squeeze my joystick on those sharp video-game virtual turns.

8. summertime is experiment time. what are you gonna do this summer that you've never done before? last year i got to two minutes. i'm feelin' good about three this year, maybe four if i keep staring at my four walls and don't think about anyone exciting.

9. bugs, wildlife, heat, lightning, summer is hazardous. what summer threat do you fear the most? winter. winter is coming. i don't fear lightning. if i get struck by lightning, i will become Lightning Man. i will wear a cape emblazoned with a tri-forked symbol. you mock me, but i will in fact be Lightning Heaven.

10. how far did your summer fling go? never blossomed into a romance. there was this babe with poofy hair at college summer school. i wrote her a note which read thusly:


and then two unchecked boxes, YES and NO. i crouched down at the top of the street as she was walking down the street. i made it seem like it was an accident, the wind, as i dropped my love note in front of her path. she stepped on it and patted me on the head. she thought i was a street bum. she gave me 5 cents. in honor of that moment, i never washed the head she patted again. i let my hair grow poofy.

bonus: what summer festivals will you attend, seafood and whatnot? i love the Garlic Festival though i'm a vampire. the dillemma of a goth foodie. living life this way is hard! how does Luis Suarez do it?




Cheeky Minx said...

"nothing says hot like mild."

You're my hero. My mild, nudie hero... :*

Juliette said...

Suarezikins is banned from all festivals now. Plus nobody will ever, EVER name their world cup babies after him. I also know how you can get to 4 minutes....think of Suarez. :)

the late phoenix said...

cheeky: that should be one of those messages on a Taco Bell hot sauce packet.

juli: the legend doesn't tell how close Dracula came to being called Grass...