THE LATE PHOENIX: I WANTED TO BE FAMOUS. INSTEAD, I HAVE THIS BLOG.
Monday, October 8, 2012
TMIT: COLUMBUS WAS A PIMP
it's true, that's what my grade-school English teacher always said, she said that the real reason Isabella financed ol' Chris Columbus on his crazy voyages was 'cause she had a massive crush on him, wanted to fuck his brains out. see, the history of mankind was fueled by one thing, one substance: not gold, not oil, but semen. look at Chris all stylin' in that brown pimp coat he has on there, he knows he's the Captain of the Seas, the Leader of his Sea Men.1. tell us about your sluttiest act ever. can men be sluts? MLUTS? i'm gonna brand that on urbandictionary...oh DAMN, too late! already there...one time at band camp, i liked this girl who played the flute, wanted her to play my flute, but i was so shy back then, i ended up with a bad crowd, a bad crowd of evil raccoons who were plotting to take over the camp, luckily there was this big-ass bowl of bug juice, and the rest is in the history books. if i hadn't been such a slut, i would have never been in the history books, there's a life lesson for ya.2. have you ever played air guitar naked? y'know those adult-swim watchers who participate annually in the Air Guitar Championships in Finland or wherever? yeah, that isn't sad, i look upon that as having a passion for life, for something, it's better than being eternally depressed, take that brutally from me...at the same time, i think i'd rather just learn how to play a real electric guitar, y'know, create real music, i mean do you want to be the next Billy Corgan or the next dude who wins at flapping his arms and legs around on stage for an hour? naked? i'm always naked.3. to what song do you play air guitar, naked or clothed, the most? i'm not gonna say "Freebird". honestly, any song i hear, any random music video i come across while youtube surfing, i take a break and dance to, i nod my head to the beat...i even click on the links to my own TNH posts and re-live those songs and those videos...yes, i am a very very sad sad individual, that's why my blog is littered with incessant porn. help me.4. are you good in bed? why? no. why? uncomfortable bed. but more to the point: it's the porn, i've reached the dreaded porn excitement threshold, once you venture into that area, nothing excites you anymore, when masturbation's lost its fun, you're fucking lonely, yeah, what Billy Joe from Green Day sings about in his classic line...hey, didn't Billy Joe go crazy on stage recently, said he wasn't Bieber? man, that whole connection between Bieber and ALL youtube comments around the world has really stunted genuine music discussion online. no, man, no, don't compare Mozart to Justin Bieber, that's a non-starter right there, the public discourse won't be enriched by your 10-year-old little troll brother typing that.5. what feels SEXY to you, what tactile sensation? leave sight and taste out of this. oh, that's good, seeing as i'm both blind and tasteless from too many Taco Bell Locos Tacos...seriously, that Doritos-shell taco, it's good as a visual wonder, not so much as a tasty venture. my tongue has been poisoned by cheese dust, rendered dry, i can't lick the clits anymore, but i'm gonna see the doctor tomorrow, see if he can save my sex life. i like feeling the imaginary sensation of all of my invisible blog friends giving me a big ol' hug when i'm down...and for my special lady blogger friends, speaking of down, i want to go down on them, after my tongue gets fixed.bonus: write a six-word autobiography: blogging will never grant me happiness.CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY.