Friday, September 16, 2011

THE FLIP HAS BEEN SWITCHED





my journey into true nihilism begins. last night, while skimming the ol' internet puter box for some theatre pics, i accidentally landed on a pic of a beautiful woman i used to know from college. there she was, silky long blonde hair, in her piratess costume on stage turning around to show the lucky audience her perfect face, livid blue eyes, knowing grin which exposed a slight buck tooth. she was the One, the last girlfriend, the only girlfriend, except she never was my girlfriend. i caught the love of my life in bad timing, motherfucking, satanic, the-fates-are-against-me bad timing. if only we had attended that same acting class when she was between boyfriends, let me tell you, if that were so, i would be blissfully unaware of such damaging terms as BLOG, MESSAGEBOARD, FOLLOWERS, and COMMENTS. the eternal list wouldn't exist, the late phoenix would be dead on arrival, and i would live life without having to blog each excruciating detail through a stupid anonymous online persona. i remember my heart rending the day she told me about her boyfriend, i even met him one time, well i spotted him through the trees, i snuck down out of sight while the two were talking. there he was, just your normal everyday dude with a beard. it's funny, he seemed so lackadaisical about the fact that this gorgeous creature was his, he just joked with her boringly while eating pizza, i wonder if he knew he had MY lifetime happiness in his slippery hands. fuck. y'know, if i had cried last night, it would have been pussy, but it would have been easier...instead, other feelings crawled into my psyche, from deadness to disaffectation to misery to dread to hopelessness to fear. i've come a long way down from the person i was then, i still had glimmers of hope back then, and real human emotion. now i'm really just a zombie, devoid of anything basic that would resemble a human's experience. the last thing i noticed about this pic was cruel, it was taken at some distance, so her face was very small and almost blurred and obscured, that wonderful face which guided me to my first blush of love, that should have been as big as the sun for everyone to see. see, as the years go by, i have forgotten how her face actually looks like, i think i remember all her features, but it isn't really how her face was, y'know? y'know how the mind can play tricks with you like that, huh? that's all i'm left with, the memory of her angelic face, and an internet photo of her small, tiny face.

7 comments:

shari said...

i'm sorry you're sad from this experience.

i hope you find peace, and maybe your heart will open you up to another "One".

The Bipolar Diva said...

I'm sorry for that. It has to be a terrible feeling to have to live with.

Slyde said...

its funny that you wrote this.. i remember back to times in my life when i saw someone who i thought was The One, with another guy, and the guy was always acting so carefree and i would be raging inside thinking, how can he act like that when he has THAT?????

Marnie said...

That would have been difficult to deal with. xo

KaziGrrl said...

I remember being so disconnected from the human experience that I would see a couple together, arm casually through arm, and wonder how they could be like that when I could touch no one... I'm back to being untouchable now.

~Kazi

AVY said...

So sorry.

/ Avy
http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

Sophia said...

I am sorry... I know it hurts... been there before. :(

xxx
Sophia