THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT THE LIBRARY: TRY ON GREY SWEATPANTS / NEVER TAKE OFF GREY SWEATPANTS AGAIN

 

Melissa Maker walks into the library at 11:32PM in the grey sweatpants.

Melissa Maker: my mom's been on my butt to remarry.

One Sock: you have a nice butt.........sorry. wait, remarry as in marry again or marry the same person again?

Chad: ...

Melissa: you know how Jewish moms are. 

One Sock: yes, because you are one.

Melissa: look at my leg. i've decided to wear the grey sweatpants. 

One Sock: not your usual '80s hair-band black leather pants. have you given up? are you backing away from life?

Melissa: no, it's just, i'm TIRED, you know? having a kid is the exciting life.

Aubrey Plaza: i once almost married Michael Cera in Vegas before we both got too high.........don't make a joke here...

Michael Cera: it's just, Vegas and people deep in debt who find themselves hanging off skyscraper ledges by their ankles like Vanilla Ice...

Gorillas in the Mist: the perfect PBS movie.

Gorillaz: Gorillaz in the Mist, our upcoming album...

the country: the greatest revenge is to never talk to your Trump-voting friend again...

One Sock: i'm in the cramped dressing room of Mallory from Family Ties. she's about to go on stage for Les Mis in a FLOWERING cream ballroom gown. the mirror is encircled in 1910 lights. it's a forest theater, a stage surrounded by woods.  

Jen R: i see a powder puff on the table.

One Sock: good eye. the powder puff turns into a paper tray of french fries.

Jen R and me: your dream?

One Sock: yeah.

Jen and me: nice.

7-Eleven: home of the pizza with the cuboid pepperoni...

Brooke Trantor: become a filmmaker so you make that ONE movie about your fucked-up hometown. or your dysfunctional family. or the generational trauma of your local priest. or how the system is rigged for health care at the grain mill so it becomes a pill mill. or your cat. it's not about the box office, it's about making that one personal documentary that only YOU can make...

Android 17: it's just weird that i ended up the hero of Dragon Ball Super...

10PM: the time most people have sex. if you're not sleeping.

Jen R: that's when i watch Hawaii Five-O on MeTV. 

the Adam Ant shirt: the Michael Jackson shirt...

a portable blue-flame burner: the SCARIEST thing in the world!!!

Hank Hill camping: ...

UPN on a Tuesday night in the year 2000:

8PM-9PM: Roswell 

9PM-9:30PM: Martin...

Dianna Russini: yes that was 6 years ago but it was during covid so it doesn't count. the last week of April is when bears come out of hibernation, i thought Vrabel was a bear.

Mike Vrabel: Chicago is colder than New England...

Dianna Russini: what's the big deal? i should have married Mike Vrabel from the start, that's all. 

Mike Vrabel: love takes 6 years.

Richard Kiel: why didn't i play Lurch?...

Shiri Appleby: that was not Adam Driver's cum on my tits. okay? this was not Brown Bunny. it was glue.

Kylo Ren: they switched the glue with my cum at the last minute, sorry. HBO wanted realism. this was RIGHT BEFORE MeToo. but i've changed my ways. i no longer believe in The Force. no more exploitation of women for art, i'm Christian now.

Shiri: nice try, Russell Brand. as you can painfully see, unlike porn, women in real life don't enjoy getting cum on them!!!

One Sock: what book are you checking out tonight, lovely lady?

Melissa Maker: How To Get Love, Not Sex.

One Sock: i don't know about that.........i need this book.