ERRANDS: TENNIS WITH BULIFANT

 

Joyce Bulifant is playing with Gene Rayburn for the first time at the tennis courts at Cupertino.

Gene Rayburn: what's a matter!!! how are you beating me this badly!!! i played college at Radford.

Joyce Bulifant: i'm beating you 6-1 6-1, breadsticks like your skinny microphone.

Gene waves his wood tennis racquet around like he does his skinny microphone, pirouetting it like a Zorro fencing sabre with the point bending right at Joyce's chest.

Gene: toro. take that, Errol Flynn, you have the skinny stache, i got the skinny mic. whoa wait, i never knew you had anything up there.

Joyce: yeah i got sneaky-big tits, buster.

Joyce demi-voltes which sweeps Gene's leg, he lands on his butt, he's now shorter than the net. 

Gene: i mean think about it: we do our jobs, which is taping a game show, then we have the rest of the afternoon free to play tennis together!!! these are the lives we lead!!! i'm so glad i went into Hollywood instead of becoming a mailman. how are you able to beat me so easily at tennis, little girl?

Charles Nelson Reilly naked wearing nothing but a cowboy hat on court: hey, don't demean the woman. for some reason game show hosts have a lot of power now...

Joyce: i'm wearing my midnight-blue jeans on court...

Doritos: we had to stuff protein in the Doritos because Americans can't be bothered to drink milk anymore!!!

at the Today Show, there are two sofa chairs facing each other: Katie Couric is interviewing Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter.

suddenly Horshack leaps from his sofa chair and exclaims, "i wanted to DANCE, dad!!!"

Horshack then exits the studio to the throng of people with signs milling outside the Today Show on the other side of the glass.

Horshack gathers all these people and forms a LONG conga line down 5th Avenue...

Pete Davidson: the Scottie tattoo is under my ear, i hear my daughter telepathically, we read each other's thoughts, we're close. my ear is a natural baby monitor.

Scottie Pippen: i hear Michael Jordan's thoughts in my nightmares.

Aubrey Plaza: why is everyone saying i should play Android 17?...

Tony Hawk: call me Tony Cobain from now on.

Kurt Cobain: that's my uncle!!!

Tony Hawk: as a tribute.

Michael Jackson: my Bad album, people called it the Bad album as in the bad album...

muni tennis court: grey with red squares, the Shel Silverstein colors.

Shel Silverstein swinging a Playboy tennis racquet: A Clockwork Orange...

Orange Piccolo: ...

James Cagney: it don't matter if you get the electric chair or Hell or anything else, all that matters is whether or not you were yellow.

Batman from Batman: The Animated Series: thank you, now that i've seen your movie, a couple of my episodes make more sense...

System of a Down singing "Chop Suey": Eliason!!!......Eliason!!!......Eliason!!! we're news-bureau people...

Nine Inch Nails: System of a Down is just a bad name, you have to admit.

the Big Sur International Marathon: for foot fetishists.

bumbling stumbling flatfooted cops: are you Jeff? we're looking for a man who puts peanut butter on his surfboard instead of wax.

at Martha Stewart's Earth funeral.

Martha Stewart: that's it, compost me, spread me over the prison i did hard time in, saturate the soil with my seed, it's a good thing. let flowers grow beneath the prisoners' feet, THAT will be my revenge...

Jen R: Shannon Hoon was the male Janis Joplin.

race walking: running at 100 mph while sitting in a chair.

Jaqueline Cristian: i'm Jem if she played tennis. there had to have been a Jem tennis episode in the '80s, right?...

Katy Perry singing "California Gurls": we're unforgettable, Daisy Dukes, spaghetti on toast.

Flo Castleberry: nah, Daisy Dukes are from Texas...

Snoop Dogg: i'm old now so i snuggle up to some zucchini in Palm Springs.

Jen and i are at the chip station.

me: don't double-dip the chip.

Jen R: i was never mindful of that before i started watching Seinfeld, i dipped blindly. the only reason to go to a party is for the chips.

me: so i told my folks that what i wanted to do for the rest of my life was watch adult animation.

Jen: here, try on this birthday hat with the string under the chin, maybe it'll be like a tinfoil hat for you.

Joyce: did you know i was almost Mrs. Brady?

Gene: Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch? but unlike Flo Henderson you fucked your eldest son BEFORE the show started.

Joyce: wipe that goofy grin off your face!!! no, Greg Brady gave me surfing tips, he prepared me for Battle of the Network Stars. Jan Brady prepared me for the football portion.........and can you please not come to the tennis court in a leisure suit?!!!