THE REAL WIKI: THE BEST SLEEP POSITION

 

Jen R: so we're obviously in Hawaii to help Terri out.

me: Terri Alden? oh yeah, that makes sense.

we reach Terri's bungalow in the jungle JUST as Mr. Furley is going apeshit.

Terri: i've managed to calm him down.

Jen: you have?

Terri: from before. he was climbing vines and shaking his loincloth at everyone like Brooke Trantor. now he's just hyperventilating and karate-chopping in the air.

Terri: cheer up, RF.

Mr. Furley: it's not that easy, Terri!!! you should know, you're a nurse!!! a psychiatric nurse, right? look at my life. look at me, i wear an ascot, animal-print shirt, beige vest, and flared pants. pointy white dance shoes. i've wasted my life. i never met a woman for more than a few hours. never had children to carry on the cool RF name. nobody will ever know how smooth i was. i'm gonna die alone *cries WAMPUM tears*.

Jen: it's just not right for Mr. Furley to kill himself, he's too much of a kooky character, you know?

Terri: i have an idea.

Jen: we gotta get RF on a date.

Terri: bingo. i have the perfect woman. 

Ilene Graff: i went from hooker to housewife in two short years!!! Three's Company to Mr. Belvedere...

Terri: no not you.  

Lani Abraham from Match Game: me? i'm Anne Hathaway's mother...

Terri: no, you. Kathy Shower.

Kathy Shower: i have the perfect name for a Three's Company guest star...

Mr. Furley invites Kathy Shower to sit on his garish flower couch in his 101 landlord's apartment and the WIDE FRIENDLY TOOTHY Mr. Furley smile returns to his face.

Mr. Furley: i'm feeling much better about things. all it took was spending time with a woman who would hear my problems. a little checkers and wine. and cutting Andy Griffith out of my life...

Walton Goggins: Jim Carrey? ANYBODY can play The Grinch. because everyone looks good in that green Grinch face makeup...

Olivia Nuzzi: i've wanted to be a Kennedy since i was a little girl. he was the last one left, okay?...

blonde jokes: still a thing in the '90s...

Raye: i guess a guy's name?

Jen R: in the '80s, the mom and dad of the suburban family would "go upstairs" to have sex.

Alex: the WORST name to try to determine the gender of...

don't bullshit me: such a '90s phrase.

Hugh Grant: don't be absurd.

Sartre: ...

Sartre: are you like the modern Cary Grant?...

jalapenos in your Coke: experimenting one stressful Sunday afternoon in the '80s at El Pollo Loco...

Ralph Furley after drinking Jalapeno Coke: smooth.

Thanksgiving: from now on it's gonna be called John Madden Day.

Best Medicine: Fox can NEVER hope to come CLOSE to Northern Exposure!!!

Frozen On Ice: the only Disney On Ice thing that makes sense.

Peter Pan On Ice: doesn't make sense.

elf: the holidays are stressful for EVERYONE but even MORE stressful for elves. it's not fair.

Game Show Network: we go ALL FUCKING OUT for Christmas.

Seth MacFarlane: i need my teddy-bear thunder-buddy when i go to Mars.

Ellen DeGeneres: damn dude. and i went to Britain. but you win.

investigative reporter: investigating Black Friday deals at Macy's...

Nicolette Groome: such a goth name.

Jen and i are in our hammocks in Honolulu surrounded by Spanish moss.

Jen R: we need a key to get into Waikiki. we need rest for the test. a disco nap so we're not too tired to go to the disco, not the test. a power nap makes us weak.

me: what's the best sleep position?

Jen: picture it, in your bed at midnight: assume the fetal position, tuck your left hand in between your left leg and your right leg.

me: yeah that's the stuff.

Jen: let's go to the mall.

me: but we're in Hawaii.

Jen: but it's Black Friday, nobody goes to the MALL anymore on Black Friday!!! i'm gonna be wearing THREE Swatch watches on my left wrist because i'm cool. my purple Swatch, my black Swatch, my pink polka-dot Swatch.