ROAD TO LINDY: DO THEY STILL OFFER FURS ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT?

 

me: hey.

Lindy Lenz: hey.

we're at The Price Is Right.

Lindy: i'm nervous.

i'm rubbing a woman's shoulders for the first time. Lindy's shoulders.

me: i didn't do this even for my mom!!!

Trent Reznor clapping and sitting behind us: don't worry, they'll call your name because you're a pretty girl, but the dice game is cinchy.  

Johnny Olsen: TRENT REZNOR, COME ON DOWN!!!

Trent: no fuck that.

as the camera slides to him Trent in his all-black dress does a Ninja Gaiden triple-flip out of the studio...

Lindy wins a car.

Lindy: should i keep it?

Trent: normally i'd say no because it's gonna be a junker jalopy, but in this case it seems to be a '78 Nova...

the two of us cruise PCH. Lindy tries maintaining her nerdy but falls into coolness as she glides her moist arm along the classic steering wheel dripping lady-sweat down her blocky sunglasses. 

me: why does California have to be so hot? do you know why i like you most?

Lindy: i'm the only one who made a move ON YOU!!! 

me: exactly. for the first time in my life i wasn't doing all the work!!!

Lindy with a Baltimore smirk: breakfast bagels. remember? what are we having for breakfast?...

me: i love how you keep your elbow at a perfect triangle on the windowless car door.

Lindy: the nub of the button of the lock-door push totem.

Olmec: the lock totem.

Instagram: you're not really on here anymore...

Trancers.

Helen Hunt: it's just weird seeing someone like me in something like this. this was my first Hollywood job, right?

Tim Thomerson: who the fuck am i? am i the father of Sledge Hammer?

Elijah Wood at a wedding not his: not Rings...

the Vaporwave incidental music of this movie is rad...

Jack Deth: it's July but it's night. cars of the future are see-through glass. imagine if Humphrey Bogart was in Blade Runner...

Coke: no ice, hot syrup.

pods: like lentils, not Pod People, don't worry.

Charlie Sheen: it's the Repo Man fuzz light!!! i should have been in that movie, too...

cop: i don't need a badge, i have a gun...

sergeant in the From Here To Eternity ocean scene: do you really want to see me in my speedo, Jack?

Rockapella: it's like dark Carmen Sandiego.

Councilman: you may find this hard to believe, but your family is the only one on Earth with the last name Deth.

Ruthie: don't worry, Jack, i don't hold a grudge. you dumped me at my mother's funeral but i'm over it. if you want to get back together i live across the bridge in Apartment 227... 

Telma Hopkins: they're not bullets, they're injections. got your Swatch watch, Jack?

Isaac Asimov: this is a very intriguing way to time-travel. but i for one choose not to swap bodies with my ancestor Vlad the Impaler.

granny Councilwoman: no i just like to collect baseball cards. all i know is my ancestor was known for something called Fernandomania...

sex scene: let me be the first to let you down easy, it's just a bikini...

Jen R: you know i've always wondered about all those '80s towels where the man wipes the shaving cream off his face instead of shaving...

Helen Hunt: you said fucking me was the ethereal union of two lost souls. it made you want to be a better man.

Jen: see? sex been two depressed people is the ultimate expression of fragility.

Hallmark movies: come on, Jack Deth, you know you love Christmas.

raincoat: it never rains in L.A....

Jack: Gavin Newsom gel in the hair and let's go.

me: it HURTS me whenever i see a woman not giving her phone number to a man...

Lena: Jem lives at the North Pole.

kid on Santa's lap: i want the new Metroid game, Samus's moves are so balletic like a girl...

squids: they put out on the first date and vote Republican...

Christmas tan: what?

Jack: headquarters? surfboy knew jujitsu. now i'm in that Red Dwarf elevator...

Jen: that's Washed Out's surfboard!!!

Skeletor: at least the bad guy actually DID try to shoot the good guy dead quickly, that never happens.

Avo Babian, dentist: don't actually try to strike a match on your teeth, you'll have Hot Tamale breath the rest of your life.

Vivian Vance: i tried swapping Fred Mertz for Peter Gunn...

bitchin' girlfriend: not bitch girlfriend.

Jen: bitchin' meant rad in the '80s.

Lena: sorry, it's the '80s, it's either punk or Madonna. Paul Reiser taught me how to Pogo.

Jerry: where my tapes, Lena!!! where's my Veruca Salt American Thighs, Lena!!!

Jack: oh my god!!! it's Soundwave the Decepticon with the cassette hawks!!! do you know how rare these cassette birds are?

Jack: this is why i make love wearing my gun...

McNulty: i don't want to live Dana Plato's life again!!!

Helen Hunt in bed: i don't wear a blue streak in my hair because i'm police, it's because i'm depressed...

Angel: the woman in every dystopian anime movie...

puke: saves lives.

Hap Ashby, baseball bum: i got this 1984 Los Angeles Olympics cap from McDonald's...

at Safeway a mousey woman named Sandi in an olive yet not drab Blue Jays tanktop, tan cargo pants, curly grey hair, and 144 pound, is making small talk with Jerome, the store's heavy-loader.

Sandi: look, can i suck your cock?

Jerome: what?

Sandi: i really need my life to start. 

Jerome: where?

Sandi: behind the pallets.

Jerome: enjoy your football Sunday, Sandi.

Sandi: but that's just it, Jerome, football doesn't satisfy me anymore. you are a 7-foot-tall man with the face of Frankenstein's monster and i've been dreaming of you for the first time since this morning.

Chris Cornell: the Soundgarden song "Rowing" is gonna replace the round "Row Row Row Your Boat" in Catholic grade schools.

Iggy Pop: people are always disappointed when they're expecting naked Marcia Brady and get me.

Charlie Sheen: why wasn't i in Born on the Fourth of July?

Tom Cruise: you were handsomer than me. i was jealous of your friendship with Fox Mulder, i mean I'M the alien guy!!!

Toledo: wear a tuxedo.

foam soap: smells like carnival cotton candy.

couscous: looks like sawdust but you cooked it right...

Halloween: the first Black Friday.

Billy Corgan: okay guys, it's November 1, give your pumpkins to me. especially the white pumpkins.

Halloween night: a LIVING HELL for street bums...

lodged ball: staying at the EconoLodge in Toronto...

Julia Ioffe: why am i the only one up early on Instagram?...

Charlie Sheen: on the other side of the menu is briney escargot, spinach turnips, NOT Kevin Spacey, and Martin Short...

we're still in the car. driving. suddenly Lindy Lenz leans in.

Lindy Lenz: i gotta whisper something in your left ear.   

me: okay but DON'T LET GO OF THE WHEEL!!! sorry, i'm a nervous driver. and an even more nervous passenger.

Lindy: oh yeah i forgot, driverless cars aren't cool!!! 

me: has peppermint-menu season arrived at Islands restaurant?

Lindy: we're gonna save two lives with this car. which is ironic because most cars are death traps that just end in laissez-faire nonchalant devastating car accidents.