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Charles Nelson Reilly and Richard Dawson are making love in the upstairs bedroom of the Match-Game House at 9PM after supper to the sweet strains of Chuck Mangione.
Charles Nelson Reilly: by my count you've bounced on my dick 50 times now.
Richard Dawson: hum, baby, hum. dick to Dick. feels so good.
Charles: dat dere is a dick. b'bye.
Richard: give it all you got. are you real?
Charles: along came Betty White.
Richard: our love will chase the clouds away.
Charles: okay, we can be cordial with each other after this.
Richard: isn't cordial an English alcohol?
Charles: more like French on a train. one thing we CAN agree on, Chuck to Chuck, is Chuck Mangione's timeless trumpet music. like spaghetti in your mouth. Richard: the soundtrack to the '70s.
France: can we FINALLY redraw the map? redraw the district lines of the world's nations to reflect long-withheld justice? no justice, no piece of the pie. i ain't brightsiding you, Palestine is real now. let's go back to the days of peace when Talk Soup was the show everyone watched for news...
Leslie Sbrocco: i'm getting scared. this is getting real now. are we really gonna strike?
Monica Pro: fuck yes we are.
Leslie: oo, i love it when you take authority, take control, announce your missives on the Safeway loudspeaker, i'd follow all your orders to me.
Monica Pro: you do realize this relationship would only work if you DIDN'T work for me?...
Leslie: i love it when you wear those workman's black jeans, you mean business when you're wearing those black jeans, i wanna rub your butt, i wanna touch your butt.
Monica: the thing is, I am the one who's surrounded by food and wine all day!!! but YOU'RE the food & wine expert?
Leslie: i was thinking the other night, you are the doctoral-thesis level of asking out. you're the PhD of the date challenge. how would one ask you out on a date cold?
Monica: bump into me in the aisles as i'm unboxing the Teddy Grahams.
Leslie: yes but how would i broach the question? to find out if you were married with kids? and then somehow ask you out on a date. as if that would come up in the natural course of an impromptu conversation, this is simply an IMPOSSIBLE TASK.
Gene Rayburn: contestant 1, your story.
Ellie Noble: i'm Ellie Noble, the prettiest contestant you've ever had on this show. i would have been an actress but Shelley Duvall beat me to it. we look alike but she has a SLIGHTLY MORE INTERESTING LOOK TO THE FACE.
Gene: and our civilian-player contestant #2?
contestant 2: i'm a happy homemaker, two kids, a husband. you know, a housewife who watches soap operas.
Gene: of course you are. don't we have any childless swingers who watch Daytime TV?
spinster in the audience: a spinster is a swinger...
Gene: why are you crying, Brett? is it because i asked you to answer a question that had TWO blanks?
Brett Somers: no i was thinking back to my marriage to Jack Klugman. i was a good mother, dammit. i liked the man well enough, Jack was always away fishing on Lake Huron with his B&W college buddies. Jack Klugman made me do Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf on Broadway with him, that's why we divorced...
Melissa Maker: we still have good tennis in Toronto, okay?...
Dirg: i love a woman in her 30s with gray hair.
Laertus: you're still alive?
Suzy Lu: everybody else watches, i delve...
Majin Buu: i'm an ocarina...
David Foster Wallace: DFW, Down For Wikipedia...
Ozzy Osbourne: i had the best natural singing voice.
Sharon: it was hidden in your British accent.
Jen and i spend the night at Match-Game House.
Jen R: your fart is our alarm clock.
me: one date changes everything.
Jen: WWIII?
me: no, with you...
Instagram: that new pic that was posted up there just now, that pic indicates life, that pic is a blessing...
Hulk Hogan: i'm the Logo. i AM pro wrestling. i'm if Babe Ruth and Michael Jordan had a child after wrestling. i made the '80s the '80s. i made the '80s magic. you know in the '80s, you had to wrestle a double-bill 300 days a year, including on Hanukkah. the show must go on even if your bicep is deflating like a cheap tire right in front of your eyes. most importantly, i kept you from having to watch that Garbage Pail Kids cartoon...
Roger Federer: in order to be the man, you must beat the man.
David Foster Wallace: the man was you.
Liam Gallagher: i go on wonder walks to relieve stress.
Noel Gallagher: not to relive stress. i have a bath caddy so the pages don't get wet when i'm reading my favorite book Infinite Jest in the tub.
As Time Goes By intro: beautifully melancholic, painfully haunting, as we all go through our long lives of despairing disappointments, missed opportunities, and hope against hopes against the backdrop of shared historical events, the sands of time...
Billy Corgan: those B&W newsreels of Queen Elizabeth, The Beatles, JFK, and that one British hurdler give me the morbs.
on your son's bed in the '80s: where all serious talks took place.
Godfather: not hearse, horse.
Legends of the Hidden Temple: see we're not into that Battle of the Sexes crap for cheap ratings. we're into unity of the sexes, harmony between the halves, the coming-together of woman and man, so our planet can heal, so our planet can grow jungles again, jungles for more temples to hide in.
cats: our feelings are just beneath the surface...
Kaye Stevens: look into my soulful warm eyes. i am caring and nurturing and nourishing. i would make you a wholesome wife.
Richard Dawson: but why you gotta all the time flirt with the male contestants? especially when i'm sitting right here!!! next to you!!!
Kaye: YOOHOO!!! OVER HERE!!! not all the male contestants, just the handsome ones. like Blue Eyes over there with the football build who looks like dad. and this man with the '70s-pornstache in the beige leather jacket who looks like Mark Spitz.
Mark Spitz: that man is an undercover agent for the CIA who works with cats.
Kaye: if Debbie Reynolds hadn't gotten sick, i wouldn't have had a career. nobody would know my name, most especially not my father. was that like an early form of covid or something?
Charles Nelson Reilly leaves his perch atop the top row, races down the shag stairs, and jumps the Mark Spitz-looking contestant kissing him large right in his hairy mouth right in front of the cameras.
Charles Nelson Reilly: THAT is what a free America looks like.
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