MATCH-GAME MANSION: THE LAST KISS

 

Richard Dawson: in the '70s you know everyone wife-swapped. yeah. it was just something we did. i mean EVERYONE knew EVERYONE back then.

Brett Somers: you have a lovely home, Dickie Dawson. with the metallic oval fireplace in the middle, even has that orange shag-carpet everywhere even the stairs like on the show.

Richard: don't call me Dickie Dawson, i'm not a porn star, i'm a 1970s gentleman. i mean for this to be the destination all the Hollywood mansions circle around, i never dreamed. the prime cul-de-sac that never moves. i mean for this to be the Match Game House EVERYONE gathers in who's a celebrity contestant on our great show before they get out there in front of the cameras. de-tension.

Brett: so why is there so much stress in this house? i hate it when my brothers fight. you're tearing the family apart!!! wait let me get on my glasses and wig.

Charles Nelson Reilly: Richard Dawson is an asshole. he eats English muffins with his asshole.

Richard: i'd punch you in the nose but i don't hit women. a gay man is the same as a woman.

Brett: come on, guys, the reason you fight is you're so much alike.

Richard: where'd you get that little nugget from?

Charles: the Bible?

Brett: from the Love Boat episode i'm doing now.

Charles licking the last of his pipe: maybe she's right, maybe we are too alike.

Richard: we're two. two of a kind. you and i are the same man.

Richard Long takes a long hard look at the Match Game '74 set one last time. the hulking man begins to cry.

Jo Ann Pflug: what's wrong?

Richard Long: you were so kind to me, the last minute before each show ends, you used that time to come up to the top row to kiss me in the mouth.

Jo Ann: YOU were so kind to ME when i was just starting out in this business a scared naive nymph. you took me under your big wing and gave me a job on your show, cop show or something, right? i forget.

Richard: you were the only one who never called me Dick Long. 

Jo Ann: and you were the only one who never called me a plug.

Richard: exactly a week after you kissed me, i died of a shock heart attack.

Jo Ann: that's what happens with big guys. oh you big lug, i adore when massive men cry. you're a gentle giant, not one of the big boys. you didn't crush me when we made love, that's all you can ask for in life.

Richard: yeah sorry about that, i probably shouldn't have been on top. my mind is elsewhere when i make love, i'm thinking about daisy farms near a big city hospital.

Telly Savalas: yeah i remember when i was on Dallas. i wanted to Kojack Joan Collins. the broad did not take too kindly.

Joan Collins: that's Dynasty, you numbnuts. i will not suck your lollipop, you bald creep. i'm a fucking lady. who loves ya? not me. and i'm not your baby.

Kojak: i'm just trying to figure out the mystery of who all your husbands are.

Joan: that's Elizabeth Taylor!!!

Raising Arizona.

Huggies: remember Huggies? in the '80s moms (and pantyhead dads) didn't go down to the corner-dime to get diapers, or pampers, it was for Huggies. 

Lynne Kitei: you know what's crazier than Hollywood? UFOs. the entire universe is a nerve in my eye. an ending that never ends. can't have reality with regulations...

Uma Ghelani: looking back, i should have made Kill Bill my doctoral thesis, not Raising Arizona. but Uma Thurman wasn't a thing yet...

Coen Brothers: see? you can never judge a film at the time it comes out, because in 10 years this weird new quirky style of ours will be COOL...

Tex Cobb: i'm more a kickboxer than boxer, i owe my life and hurlyburly nature to Steejo.

Nic Cage: wanna see my 1000 edits to this Coen Brothers script? i wanted to get crazy but the Coen Brothers kept reining me in.

"Down in the Willow Garden": if only this was the adult version of Over the Garden Wall...

Hi: hi.

Babe Ruth: peanut race...

counselor: why do you feel trapped in prison?

sandwich: two breads, sand in the middle.

prison: not much to do after lights out, there's not like a club to go to.

mother-scratcher: caregiver.

child into the world: i missed that sunset...

Ed: he has a checkered past, but he has the cheques. Abuelita Adoption Agency? the Mexican hot chocolate across the border?

Nathan Arizona: i'm a billionaire because i save money on all the furniture paint.

Lorne Michaels: NOW THAT'S A COLD OPEN!!!

Jen R: EVERYONE had that Dr. Spock book. even mom.

Stephen King: unnerving The Shining carpet...

Super Grover: yeah, the fontanelle...

John Goodman with muttonchops: my mudman anticipated The Shawshank Redemption...

Evelle: we felt the institution had nothing left to offer us. much like college. prison and college...

Nic Cage: my own REAL Godfather wedding pics...

Ghost Rider: the Apocalypse is gonna be fun, trust me. wanna watch an episode of CHiPs with me? these tiny bronzed army boots are for my whole rabbit. 

me: that's my hair now...

The CryptKeeper: the yellow flower from "Yellow"!!!

me: cereal and Coke.

Melissa Maker: your new favorite breakfast combo.

Frances McDormand: you must protect Mordecai. make sure he has his birdshots so he gets night visions so he can fully appreciate the '80s.

Bob Barker: seeing a patio table inside a grocery store brings a tear to my eye.

me: i want see every movie with a grocery-store scene. 

Jen R: grocery-store aisles are the ultimate filming location, those shelves are COLORFUL.

Hi: this is my '80s Dear John Letter. i did it all for KFC biscuits.

Dandadan: the REAL FLCL sequel...

Arthur in Ghouls N Ghosts: why do i walk/run so jerkily? oh yeah, i'm wearing armor...

me: it's a miracle i'm alive.

Jen R: both meanings...

Chris Martin: next time, if you're having an affair, just stay home and listen to your Coldplay cassettes...

Scottie Scheffler: what's the point?

Rory McIlroy: of golf?

Scottie: of anything. i've been thinking.........you know?

Rory: have you been smoking heaters with John Daly again? when i come across a pile of snuffed cigarette butts on the golf course, it's the most depressing thing i've ever seen...

Scottie: John Daly showed me his Sartre stash, ruined me.

Rory: never give a golfer reading material as he's walking an 18-hole golf course...

Tai: what are you doing stalking around the yoga center? loitering around the yoga center in the morning.

Luke Russert: i need yoga in my life. i'm a man interested in sunrise yoga.

Tai: come on, dude.

Legends of the Hidden Temple '90s: believe me, Keisha wins.

Rachel Campos: i totally made the wrong decision. if i had married Puck instead, i would now be the First Female President.........as a Democrat...

me: Smashing Pumpkins "With Every Light," my funeral song.

Melissa Maker: but Smashing Pumpkins "By Starlight," your wedding song...

Melissa Maker: i don't mind being a Jewish Buddhist...

Monica Pro: it's Monica Pro Day, when the scouts come to get a good look at me...

Leslie Sbrocco wearing a Safeway apron: you're the best trainer to your underlings.

Monica: i'm a good boss, i actually like Intern Appreciation Day.

Brad Faxon: if Tony Hawk became a golfer...

Gunilla Hutton: Max-Pax are not maxipads, okay? i can still have your baby. we have to learn all the gameshow loser prizes.

Nat King Cole: that's alright, my darling, i don't use kush rings anymore to get ahead in life. the wave of the future will be flavored coffees, you mark my words. hey i love you, but can you not hold up a card that says HI, NAT when it's your turn? my wife and i watch Match Game together. that's not funny, my darling, gunilla, gorilla?

Gunilla: not that really is my name. i mean your wife is nice but i'm a fucking SWEDE!!! i'm the ultimate prize!!!

Nat: you're too much for me, my darling. your humor is daring, you make me chortle.

Gunilla: don't i make your chestnuts HARD?

Nat: yes. but i kissed you in the mouth at Dickie Dawson's stag party. 

Gunilla: your song is still in my mouth.

Nat: that has to be enough. it just isn't a good look for me to leave my wife. 

Gunilla: i called up your wife. yes i did. on the telephone, i called her at YOUR house and told her to get a divorce from you.

Nat: oooooooh, that is JUICY.