MATCH-GAME MANSION: TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES

 

Charles Nelson Reilly and Richard Dawson are making love in theupstars bedroom of the Match-Game Houe at 9PM after supper to the sweet strand of Vhcl Mangone.

Charles Nelson Reilly; by my count you;ve bounced on my dick 50 times now.

Richard Dawson l hum, baby, hum. dick to Dick. feels so good/

Charles: dat Derek is a dick. I've.

RichrdL gone it all you got/ are you real?

Charles; along came Bery Rhiote.

RcojardL out love will chase the clouds away.

TarelsL okay, we can be cordial with each other. 

Tochardl intl cordial an Rnglish alcohol?

Patels; ore like Vrejch ONA  train. one thing we CS agree on, cuk to cukc, is Chucl engines's Trumper music is timeless. 

TichardL the soundtrack to the L7 0-s.

ram El can we GFINSLLY redraw the district ones of he world;s actions to reflect Longworth held is rice? no Stacie, no price of the pie. I ain;t Briggs Odin's youl Palestine is real now. let; go balc to the days of peace when Talk Doup was the show everyone watched for news...

Leslie Rocco: I;lm scared. this is getting real now. are we really gonna stroke?

Monica Pro; fucl yes. 

Leslie: oof, I love it when you take authoeity, take control. and announce your missives on the Dafeway ;out dealer.

Monica proL you know those ratio ship is not gonna work unless you FINlT work for me.

 Lesueleil I love it when you wear those workman;s black jeans, you mean business when you're are those black jeans, I wanna ri your butt, I Anna touch your butt.

noice: the thing is, I am the one whilst sorry under by food and wine all day!!! bot YOU;RE the food & wine expert?

Leslie l I was thinking the other night, you are the octal thesis[level of asking put. your;e the hf of he date challenge, ow would one ask you out on a  date cold? 

Menial bump into me in the aisles as I;m in pong teddy Grahams.

Leslie l yeah not how would I grouch the question, old have to find out if you were married with kids> and then somehow ask you out on a date. as if that would come up in the natural course of am impromptu conversation, this is simply an IMPODIKE SDK.

Hence RaibornL contestant 1, your story.

Elie Noble: I'm Rllie Noble, the prettiest cnetstant you've ever had on this show. I would have been na stress bot Dhitley Dubal;l beat em to it. we looked tl alike bot she has a SIGTKY MOTE TETSTONG LOOK TO THE FACE.

Gene: and out civilian=player vonetstant #2?

contestant 2: IPM a happy homemaker, two kids, a husband. you know, a hoepwf two teaches soap pears.

Genes of course you are dontl we have any Chiles winners who watch Datotme TV?

spinster o  the audio cel a spinster OIS a swinger...

GeneL why are you trying,m Brett. is it bepas ei ales you to answer a worst up  that had TEI blanks?

Brett Dienrs no I a sist thing back to KY Mateo age to Jak Plug man. I'm s a good other, domain. I liked the man well enough, Jack was always away fishing on lake Huron with his B&W college buddies. Jack Jlughman mad me for Rhi;s fraud o Vorgonoa Eoolf on Broadway with him, that's why we split up...

Melissa Maker; Wes till have good tennis n grotto, okay?...

Dorm I love a woman in her 30s with gray hair> 

;Arty's; your;Le still alive?

OXY LuL everybody else with e,s I delve...

Majin Buu l IPM an ocarina...

David Gister Wall El DFW, Diw Gor Ekiprida...

OXY Osboyenrl I had the nest antrola singing nice.

Sharon: it was hidden on you Brotosh accent.

Jen and I spend the goth at Match0Game House.

Jen TRL your art is pit alarm clock.

me: one date changes editing.

Jen; WWIII?

ml no, with you...

OndtagramL that Mr ice that was posted up yete list nowl that pic in so takes life,e that I is a blessing...

Hulk Hoahbl I'm  the Logo. I AM pro wrestling. il  if Babe Tith and Mocnale Jortdan had a child after reading. I made it e,80s the ,8s,. I made the l8s AGC. you know in the l8-s, you had to wrsrle a double-blind 300 days a year, including on Hanukkah. the show soy go on even of your bicep is delaying like a cheap tore right before your eyes. most initially. I help you gotm King to watch that Harage IAL dis cartoon...

Roger FdererL in order to be the man, you Los eat the ,an.

David Fsuter real El the man was you.

Liam Gallagher l I go on wonder lakes to relieve stress.

Noel Gallagher l not to twice stress. I have a bath caddy so the pages dinky etc weu when ul reading ku gavotte look Ongonote Jest on the tob.

 As Toem goes Bu intro: beautifully melancholic, painfully haunting, as e all go though our long bikes of diapir tents. miss poor yo toes, and hope against hopes angst the ABK drop  shared historical events, the sands of time...

Billy Birganl those B&W newsreel;LS of Eieen kia Ruth, The Betales, JGK, and that one Brotosh idler hibe me the  norns.

your son;s bed in the l80s: where Alla edits walks too place.

Godfather's not hearse, horse.

:eggs soft the Hodden TmeokeL see we;re not onto that Battle of the deets crap for cheap ratings. wer;e into unity of the sexes, harmony between woman and man, so put planet CNA heal, so out planet can grow uses again, jungles for more tempers to hide in.

   

 

MATCH-GAME MANSION: COMFORTABLE CONVERSATION

 

Brett Somers: let's make amends.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'll try if he tries. i'm exhausted, chick. well let's get a move on, hoity-toity!!!

Richard Dawson: alright look, see this glass goblet?

Charles: mmm, smells good. smells like New Orleans when it was still spicy. a blood-orange margarita?

Richard: no, it's tomato sauce, i'm English. 

Charles: you gentleman FUCKER.

Brett: let's try this: name one thing you like about Charles.

Richard: his ascot. now if you'll excuse me, i have to use the toidy.

Charles: i like that he looks like my father. my father rejected me at a young age, he put me on a tugboat with Donald Duck before enlisting in the Navy.

Theo Huxtable: life's not fair, dad.

Cliff Huxtable: i know, son. how the hell is Bill Cosby still alive? i lose BOTH sons?!!!

Theo: why didn't the Ugly Shirt save me? that shirt was meant to be a flotation device, right? a lifejacket?

Ozzy Osbourne: i had Parkinson's but i was lucid throughout. that is what reality shows were supposed to be, a quiet introspective look at a family surrounded by love. nice kitchen-table conversations, moments with the dog. none of this bachelors and islands and naked coconuts bollocks.

Sharon Osbourne: i lost my soulmate.

Raising Arizona.

John Lewis: hey Hi, try good trouble instead.

Hi: i would prefer not to.

John Lewis: there you go, boy, see? you're getting the hang of it already. your soul needs orange juice. if you're not uncomfortable, you're not living.

Frances McDormand: oh damn i used to actually be HOT!!!

Krista Catwood: i have the last Jem VHS cassette...

Woody Woodpecker, singing: it's the Woody Woodpecker Show. my laugh is truly the domain of the demented. look, we all hated Andy Kaufman, it's okay to admit it.

Leonard Smalls: you were about to eat that fly!!! i pinched it just in time, i saved your soul.

father: i really wasn't.

Smalls: i just Mr. Miyagi'd your ass.

Jen R: I DRIVE NAKED is lame. here, you can borrow one of my BABY ON BOARD octagons.

Nic Cage: i really wanted to be Bruce Lee.

tapette: small cassette.

Mondale/Ferraro: what could have been...

Richie Rich doing a robbery: got any more of those burlap sacks with the $ symbol on them? 

Nic Cage: before i fight i like to vomit. clears the sinuses. that was YOUR tooth.

father: you know, the Harley guy who looks like Ozzy Osbourne.

no questions asked: but for the reward money, we need a story.

Ed: if we don't have a kid, why would we stay together?...

Hi: oh it was such a lovely dream, an ethereal dream, high in the sky, one of those Terrence Malick dreams. wait, i can't play football. and that's just a random family enjoying their Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving... 

Coen Brothers: see? our style is DISTINCTIVE.........live-action Looney Tunes, it's all good.

dad: Beethoven banjo?

Leslie Sbrocco: strikes are scary, you never know how they're gonna turn out.

Monica Pro: and they might last for weeks.

Leslie: but i'm comforted knowing you're in charge of the workers' response.

Monica: see? i'm not really a boss, i'm one of you. 

Leslie: you're on our side. can i lick your side?

Monica: give me a boost on your shoulders, i'm gonna do a Sally Field.

Leslie: you don't have to ask me twice.

Monica hold up a sign which reads

ABBA > BEATLES

Nick Arcade: i mean what the hell are these weird dink video games supposed to be? why aren't the contestants recreating Mario Bros., Link and Ganon, Sonic on a date with Princess Peach...

Jen R: yes i'm a choke artist but i'm great under pressure...

me: it's Patti Smith & Mapplethorpe every time.

Bartleby, the Scrivener: it's not A Christmas Carol...

Watanabe: only the Pepsi-drinkers would have survived. that would have been kinda cool and quirky, right? a Michael Jackson '80s throwback. the cat was AI. Hapna was like Doan's.

Goku: Go KU. i like Kansas. but i honed my Kamehameha on the plains of Nebraska.

Shel Silverstein: i was in the band Toto...

Comcast: no, calm cats.

Greykid: only when the TV's working the COOL cable channels. Diana from Sailor Moon is not mine!!! she's cute tho. tomcats are everywhere, it's sad.

Pablo Torre: do you deserve your job? i'm the Ronan Farrow of sports.

tennis: should never be played next to Little League stands...

Sarah McLachlan: "Adia" is SLOW, man. "Adia" is a fucking SLOW song, man.

Larry from Three's Company: you know my secret with women? it's not vitality pills. it's coffee. Max-Pax coffee.

Manny Pacquiao: how can i get some of that coffee, Jack? i need to get my dopamine hit from caffeine, not boxing. i shouldn't be boxing nor running for the Philippines Senate, i'm too old for both. we need fresh new ideas...

the Nerd from Robot Chicken: i should just be grateful that my annoying mom is still middle-aged and healthy...

Tears For Fears "Woman In Chains"

well it's a world gone crazy, murder exchange

well i feel

deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal

says Kool Moe Dee

Gene Rayburn picks his mic up and proceeds with the lunacy.

Gene Rayburn: this microphone is skinnier than my tie. i have the worst sunburn on my neck. next question: BLANK September. 

Richard Dawson: pregnant September. 

Charles Nelson Reilly: cue the porno thinking music.

Gene: BLANK rib.

Richard: not prime rib in this Carter Recession. 

Charles: and i'm not talking about the recession during Carter's funeral.

Gene: why does the audience boo all the time? why are our audiences so mean? why? because they are free. and that is why i love this country so. you know people think we ply the celebrities with booze and liquor right before the show, but actually we ply the AUDIENCE with booze and liquor...

Brett Somers: Gene, before we start the next card, can we have a moment of silence for my friend and yours Fannie Flagg? well she's just the sweetest little Southern-belle Little Miss Ginger thing, my best friend, my only friend, the only woman who will talk to me. she's got a fanny tight as an Alabama snare drum, i see it every day from the top row. she's having surgery this week, that's why she's not here. i'm getting the vapors in stress over her.

Richard: she drank the Kool-Aid on you, the Kool-Aid you serve with those pork cutlets that are so vinegary they made me belch. that Kool-Aid pork made my butt clench harder than Fannie's butt. 

Gene: aw, sure. everyone in the audience, and the celebrity dingbats upstairs and downstairs, let's everyone come together for this one thing. only prayer can bring this country together.

Charles: only A prayer can save this country... 

Gene: Fannie Flagg is getting surgery to reduce her breast size so she can better fit into her sweaters, so it'll be easier to read the funny messages on her sweaters.

everyone in the crowd and on stage on the panel and the two contestants wearing housecoats all bow their heads and stay silent for 30 minutes... 

 

MATCH-GAME MANSION: THE LAST KISS

 

Richard Dawson: in the '70s you know everyone wife-swapped. yeah. it was just something we did. i mean EVERYONE knew EVERYONE back then.

Brett Somers: you have a lovely home, Dickie Dawson. with the metallic oval fireplace in the middle, even has that orange shag-carpet everywhere even the stairs like on the show.

Richard: don't call me Dickie Dawson, i'm not a porn star, i'm a 1970s gentleman. i mean for this to be the destination all the Hollywood mansions circle around, i never dreamed. the prime cul-de-sac that never moves. i mean for this to be the Match Game House EVERYONE gathers in who's a celebrity contestant on our great show before they get out there in front of the cameras. de-tension.

Brett: so why is there so much stress in this house? i hate it when my brothers fight. you're tearing the family apart!!! wait let me get on my glasses and wig.

Charles Nelson Reilly: Richard Dawson is an asshole. he eats English muffins with his asshole.

Richard: i'd punch you in the nose but i don't hit women. a gay man is the same as a woman.

Brett: come on, guys, the reason you fight is you're so much alike.

Richard: where'd you get that little nugget from?

Charles: the Bible?

Brett: from the Love Boat episode i'm doing now.

Charles licking the last of his pipe: maybe she's right, maybe we are too alike.

Richard: we're two. two of a kind. you and i are the same man.

Richard Long takes a long hard look at the Match Game '74 set one last time. the hulking man begins to cry.

Jo Ann Pflug: what's wrong?

Richard Long: you were so kind to me, the last minute before each show ends, you used that time to come up to the top row to kiss me in the mouth.

Jo Ann: YOU were so kind to ME when i was just starting out in this business a scared naive nymph. you took me under your big wing and gave me a job on your show, cop show or something, right? i forget.

Richard: you were the only one who never called me Dick Long. 

Jo Ann: and you were the only one who never called me a plug.

Richard: exactly a week after you kissed me, i died of a shock heart attack.

Jo Ann: that's what happens with big guys. oh you big lug, i adore when massive men cry. you're a gentle giant, not one of the big boys. you didn't crush me when we made love, that's all you can ask for in life.

Richard: yeah sorry about that, i probably shouldn't have been on top. my mind is elsewhere when i make love, i'm thinking about daisy farms near a big city hospital.

Telly Savalas: yeah i remember when i was on Dallas. i wanted to Kojack Joan Collins. the broad did not take too kindly.

Joan Collins: that's Dynasty, you numbnuts. i will not suck your lollipop, you bald creep. i'm a fucking lady. who loves ya? not me. and i'm not your baby.

Kojak: i'm just trying to figure out the mystery of who all your husbands are.

Joan: that's Elizabeth Taylor!!!

Raising Arizona.

Huggies: remember Huggies? in the '80s moms (and pantyhead dads) didn't go down to the corner-dime to get diapers, or pampers, it was for Huggies. 

Lynne Kitei: you know what's crazier than Hollywood? UFOs. the entire universe is a nerve in my eye. an ending that never ends. can't have reality with regulations...

Uma Ghelani: looking back, i should have made Kill Bill my doctoral thesis, not Raising Arizona. but Uma Thurman wasn't a thing yet...

Coen Brothers: see? you can never judge a film at the time it comes out, because in 10 years this weird new quirky style of ours will be COOL...

Tex Cobb: i'm more a kickboxer than boxer, i owe my life and hurlyburly nature to Steejo.

Nic Cage: wanna see my 1000 edits to this Coen Brothers script? i wanted to get crazy but the Coen Brothers kept reining me in.

"Down in the Willow Garden": if only this was the adult version of Over the Garden Wall...

Hi: hi.

Babe Ruth: peanut race...

counselor: why do you feel trapped in prison?

sandwich: two breads, sand in the middle.

prison: not much to do after lights out, there's not like a club to go to.

mother-scratcher: caregiver.

child into the world: i missed that sunset...

Ed: he has a checkered past, but he has the cheques. Abuelita Adoption Agency? the Mexican hot chocolate across the border?

Nathan Arizona: i'm a billionaire because i save money on all the furniture paint.

Lorne Michaels: NOW THAT'S A COLD OPEN!!!

Jen R: EVERYONE had that Dr. Spock book. even mom.

Stephen King: unnerving The Shining carpet...

Super Grover: yeah, the fontanelle...

John Goodman with muttonchops: my mudman anticipated The Shawshank Redemption...

Evelle: we felt the institution had nothing left to offer us. much like college. prison and college...

Nic Cage: my own REAL Godfather wedding pics...

Ghost Rider: the Apocalypse is gonna be fun, trust me. wanna watch an episode of CHiPs with me? these tiny bronzed army boots are for my whole rabbit. 

me: that's my hair now...

The CryptKeeper: the yellow flower from "Yellow"!!!

me: cereal and Coke.

Melissa Maker: your new favorite breakfast combo.

Frances McDormand: you must protect Mordecai. make sure he has his birdshots so he gets night visions so he can fully appreciate the '80s.

Bob Barker: seeing a patio table inside a grocery store brings a tear to my eye.

me: i want see every movie with a grocery-store scene. 

Jen R: grocery-store aisles are the ultimate filming location, those shelves are COLORFUL.

Hi: this is my '80s Dear John Letter. i did it all for KFC biscuits.

Dandadan: the REAL FLCL sequel...

Arthur in Ghouls N Ghosts: why do i walk/run so jerkily? oh yeah, i'm wearing armor...

me: it's a miracle i'm alive.

Jen R: both meanings...

Chris Martin: next time, if you're having an affair, just stay home and listen to your Coldplay cassettes...

Scottie Scheffler: what's the point?

Rory McIlroy: of golf?

Scottie: of anything. i've been thinking.........you know?

Rory: have you been smoking heaters with John Daly again? when i come across a pile of snuffed cigarette butts on the golf course, it's the most depressing thing i've ever seen...

Scottie: John Daly showed me his Sartre stash, ruined me.

Rory: never give a golfer reading material as he's walking an 18-hole golf course...

Tai: what are you doing stalking around the yoga center? loitering around the yoga center in the morning.

Luke Russert: i need yoga in my life. i'm a man interested in sunrise yoga.

Tai: come on, dude.

Legends of the Hidden Temple '90s: believe me, Keisha wins.

Rachel Campos: i totally made the wrong decision. if i had married Puck instead, i would now be the First Female President.........as a Democrat...

me: Smashing Pumpkins "With Every Light," my funeral song.

Melissa Maker: but Smashing Pumpkins "By Starlight," your wedding song...

Melissa Maker: i don't mind being a Jewish Buddhist...

Monica Pro: it's Monica Pro Day, when the scouts come to get a good look at me...

Leslie Sbrocco wearing a Safeway apron: you're the best trainer to your underlings.

Monica: i'm a good boss, i actually like Intern Appreciation Day.

Brad Faxon: if Tony Hawk became a golfer...

Gunilla Hutton: Max-Pax are not maxipads, okay? i can still have your baby. we have to learn all the gameshow loser prizes.

Nat King Cole: that's alright, my darling, i don't use kush rings anymore to get ahead in life. the wave of the future will be flavored coffees, you mark my words. hey i love you, but can you not hold up a card that says HI, NAT when it's your turn? my wife and i watch Match Game together. that's not funny, my darling, gunilla, gorilla?

Gunilla: not that really is my name. i mean your wife is nice but i'm a fucking SWEDE!!! i'm the ultimate prize!!!

Nat: you're too much for me, my darling. your humor is daring, you make me chortle.

Gunilla: don't i make your chestnuts HARD?

Nat: yes. but i kissed you in the mouth at Dickie Dawson's stag party. 

Gunilla: your song is still in my mouth.

Nat: that has to be enough. it just isn't a good look for me to leave my wife. 

Gunilla: i called up your wife. yes i did. on the telephone, i called her at YOUR house and told her to get a divorce from you.

Nat: oooooooh, that is JUICY.

 

 

RED GUNDAM: MAKING A SCENE

 

Katharine: as i sit here in this Gundam and envision the future, i close my eyes and MANIFEST.

Mardith: how's that going? how's that going really?

Katharine: nothing. nothing's happening. just darkness. anxiety and a double-chin.

Mardith: the universe is on summer break.

Katharine: what's this penny stuck in the slot to the side here? no wonder the engine wouldn't start!!!

Mardith: whoa, this penny is coated in blue powder. it means you can take the luck now or wait to travel to a parallel animated cartoon of the '80s, the village of the Smurfs.

dad: you can wait to get licked by Azrael or Smurfette.

Papa Smurf at the wheel: is this the Soyuz? there's always a Soyuz.

Stephen King: "Word Processor of the Gods," it takes a very honest man to admit your son is a creep.

Buddhist monk at the British Open: not a good look, lot of colonizing going on here. can we give the LIV tour back to the Saudis and ban all sports in Britain? golf is the ultimate meditative pastime. golf was invented in TIBET, not China...

Defenders of Wildlife: we have to put our stuff in blank unmarked envelopes now...

Katharine: i'm for a new approach, like Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ. why do we have to fight and destroy these cool robots? it takes 87 years to build one Gundam. how can there be an enemy when we can all mindread?!!! 

Four: yeah i'm with you, let's open our cockpit doors and just talk. what are you doing? why are you burying your head in my crotch?

Katharine: that's how i meditate.

Ted Robinson: something happened with tennis, it just isn't the same...

John Isner: i never won a major? why? meanwhile Scottie Scheffler drops his pants and the rest of the golf world doesn't know what to do. all tennis players must be required to wear trousers. you must win by two. each set is the first to 70 games...  

under control: under someone's control.

Match Game '74: get to tomorrow faster...

Michele Bachmann: so they didn't let me keep the Congress company car. btw, i've never listened to one of Bach's songs...

game shows: we got INSANE lawyers.

Ons Jabeur: it wasn't because i was unhappy on the tennis court. that i was depressed, that there was no joy anymore hitting a fuzzy green ball through a net, no it was because i want Bud Collins back.

Dan Rivera: the doll wasn't haunted, okay? we just want Telly Savalas back. bring Telly back so he can see his Muppet children. and change that Twilight Zone episode title from "Living Doll" to "Talky Tina."

Rod Serling: my first draft was called "Haunted by a Bald Head."

After Dark, My Sweet: Coca-Cola flavored with date palms...

Billy Corgan: hey i don't mean to step on any toes here.

Bjork: you have a very genuine smile that's from the '50s. don't worry about your toes, they're frozen.

Billy Corgan: i fear frostbite more than i fear death. are the acoustics good in Reykjavik?

Bjork: i don't know, i never leave my house.

Billy: the drawback of having a home studio...

Padraig Harrington: they love their potty...

Tales from the Darkside "Seasons of Belief": not really like that Rent song. blossomed into something else. never tell a child Santa Claus doesn't exist, that ruins lives, that will ruin that kid's life forever, that destroys the innocence of youth, magic is all we have...

Suzy Lu: i got Kakashi some Converse shoes.

Kakashi: thank. being a barefoot ninja is rough on the dogs.

Steejo: what'd you get me, luv?

Suzy: you get to stay in my Scottish castle in the doghouse.

Michael Jordan: Suzy got me some Atari shoes...

me: hello!!! what are you doing here?

Jules Smith: i'm just sort of into anime. where's the food? conventions have good food, right? where are the triple-cooked chips? come on, this is Japan, they've gotta be here.

Japan: oh yeah, sous-vide french fries, we did that in the '80s... 

Leslie Sbrocco: not swag, schwag. look, we've done every single restaurant in San Francisco. i told the producers not to come to Carmel but they said The Forge was the last restaurant in the state!!!

Clint Eastwood: it's not a comfortable feeling being 100 years old...

Emil Bove: i'm a reckless prosecutor. and a venal man. i have brought shame to my great-great-great grandfather Nosferatu.

Hall & Oates: whoa oh here she comes, watch out boy she'll spit you out, whoa oh here she comes, she's a dreamweaver...

Katharine: you see, Gundam is Japan's Shakespeare, Japan's literature. i treat it as such, i treat it serious, i need for it to be REAL.

Lux: i feel you. and mindmeld you. tho that sort of thinking plummets manga sales.

Katharine closes his eyes again, this time he REALLY tries to believe...

the roof of the con hall has a hole. caused by the Red Gundam's head. 

Katharine: i like this robot, he has a hard noggin like me. WOW, we are in the sky!!!

without having to heavily lean on the clutch, with a light touch, the Gundam makes a beeline for the sun.

Lux: okay okay i get it, so YOU write the next anime.

Katharine: don't you see? i'm gonna LIVE the scene, not imagine it. books can never replace a lover.

it's too bright to see inside the sunny amphitheatre.

Katharine Hepburn: worship me, Earth!!!