ALEJANDRO & ME: A ROOMMATE FOR A LONER

 

Alejandro gives me a BIG HUG when i enter the Safeway. by the grapes.

Alejandro: hi Pat.

me: i love you, man. i really mean it this time. you're my only non-family touch.

Alejandro: Contact ain't just a Ron Howard movie. hey.........look, i know you don't do this but don't judge me by my Sesame Street voice and developmental disabilities, i'm smarter than you.

me: no argument here, i'm more messed up than you'll ever get to. i banged my head on the icebox fetching corndogs, on top of everything else i got a new concussion...

Alejandro: THWACK.

Larry from Safeway: HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY midnight-blue corduroy jacket for me, only a tall man can pull off this Tower of Nice presence. i'm a taller groovier Lando Calrissian. you have to be 7-foot and not play basketball like me...

Larry to Alejandro: hey man, do your clearances. roly-poly around the aisles.

Alejandro: i know. yeah whatever. wanna help?

me: i've never had a job.

Alejandro: it's easy. just wait until the carbonated lemonade is flat which is now. see those glass cases with a padlock?

me: padlocks are so '80s.

Alejandro: we got acid pills, acid stamps, and WHOOPS i dropped the acid. can you pick it up for me?

BombPoppie: spotted dick...

mom: hey does this AZO really work for incontinence?.........it can't be that easy, can it?...

cipollini onion: the Uzumaki snail people were the real people...

Alejandro: it's almost summer so we put surfboards on top of the shelves now.

foamie: surfboard, not soap.

Madame Pons: ...

Melissa Maker: it melts in your hand.

Chad: it melted in her hand...

Jen R to Capp: not even your artist friends understand your pain.

the 6 PM hour: mail, dishes, vacuuming the treehouse.

Jen R: shaking hands at the end of a date is weird...

Lume Lady: the vagina is the eyebulb. it never stops, folks, it never stops.

Nail: i'm the Shikamaru of Namek...

Carlos Alcaraz: no i play soccer. Tijuana DOES have a soccer team!!! i read the bible on the subject as a kid.

me: WOW!!! you live in a PLANTED PARADISE!!! a gated garden community complete with waterfall!!!

Alejandro: yeah the shortbus takes me here from there and back for work. it's a block away. don't touch anything here or you'll have to sign the lease. there are perks to being different.

me: working at a supermarket must be so cool.

Alejandro: are you fucking kidding me? it's a nightmare. all day i'm SURROUNDED BY FOOD, i can't eat food anymore. and they make you eat the food.

me: what do you mean?

Alejandro: they make you EAT ALL THE FOOD in a Safeway. 

me: so what do you do for your lunch hour?

Alejandro: you gotta eat somewhere ELSE. never eat where you shit which is where you work.

Muriel's Wedding.

Shirley Valentine: Muriel is me in my 20s...

Chook: all surfers either sound like Spicoli or they speak Australian. i've taken a liking to that barbie over there who looks like Princess Di...

Muriel: i've never had a boyfriend.

me: i am the male Muriel. except i was into Ace of Base. i've never had a girlfriend. all i want out of life is to get married. and i am nothing.

man with nose: i'm Lady Elaine Fairchilde as a man.

Jen R: living in Australia must be so exotic.

me: yeah.

Jen R: cricket is their Super Bowl. right next to Indonesia so you're always spicy. living out the Neighbours storylines in real life.

at Outback Steakhouse. 

postal vote: it used to be so easy...

father: no-hopers the lot of ya. why did i have a family?.........well fuck, it's too late now...

at Islands underwater restaurant.

Kelly from Saved by the Bell: there was lipstick on his cock when i blew him, but he couldn't get it up, which makes no sense...

me: this savior woman is making me cry, she swoops in from the heavens, sticks it to the bullies, and embraces no-hoper Muriel as her bezzer.

Jen R: and she looks like Jane from Daria.

Jen R: calling it now, Muriel marries Rhonda in the end...

me: GOOD FOR YOU, MURIEL!!! LEAVE YOUR FAMILY ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!

Jen R: that's your dream.

Stableyard Grove: the Princess Diana Wedding Dress is still there...

date dancing: i've just invented pogoing...

me: Muriel's butt is a work of cinematic art. 

Jen R: in those tight black vinyl butt-pants with the vinyl buttcheek zippers.

Muriel: i have an infectious squealing laugh.

Rhonda: great, the American sailors fucked me so hard i became a paraplegic. that is so America, that is just like America, America never knows when to quit, America always takes things too far...

me: promise you'll always be by my side forever the rest of our lives.

Jen R: no matter who's in the wheelchair...

Matteo Arnaldi: if Andy Roddick had continued on the ATP Tour and never married...

Premier League: wait is one of the soccer mascots Satan?...

Rebecca Lowe: it's Derby but i pronounce it Darby.

Robbie Earle: Becks, i agree.

Rebecca Lowe: stop calling me Becks, i know you want to fuck me.

Cecily Strong: i'm gonna be at SNL 50 9-months-pregnant.........with Charles Rocket's baby...

Suzy Lu: the way i say the word horrendous is magnificent...

The Big O: i love that CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK of old '80s car turn-signals.

JFKmart: the bankruptcy files are still secret...

me: want me to send you more fries?

BombPoppie: i'm good on the fries. no more fries. the Instagram pics of fries. now if you send me actual fries that are food...

John Mulaney: i was talking about Steven Seagal...

Steven Seagal: the only thing i murdered was the SNL script. and my dignity. and my career. and my haircut. and Russian/American relations for the next century. i'm teaching Putin martial arts so he can defend himself against Finland.

me: can i stay with you here?

Alejandro: .........really shouldn't.........really would be a bad idea but.........fine okay. i have no family so as my friend you're my family. what do you do for money?

me: what's money?

Alejandro: rent, do you sing?

me: if i sang i wouldn't be blogging right now.

at the Subway next to Safeway.

Alejandro: Subway, Safeway, get it?

me: can you be hungry and disgusted at the same time?

Alejandro to the cute countergirl: oh COME ON, sugarlips!!! let me taste your meat.

the girl hands him a sliver of her roast beef.

Alejandro: this tastes EXACTLY like the murphy sauce from Safeway!!!

girl: yeah, we get the sauce from Safeway, what did you expect? Safeway is a block away from here...

Alejandro: and another thing!!! the Oreo Footlong?!!! that is HORRENDOUS. come on, sugarlips, not EVERYTHING is meant to be a sandwich!!!