Gemini: this is the biggest Buddhist temple in the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Mr. T: it's all golden like my favorite Chinese buffet place.
Siren: it's lovely, Gem, thank you for taking me here. oh that garland of orange sakura blocking the entrance is just the right touch. i need a spiritual, quiet, meditative place for me to talk with you.
they enter to a surprise.
Gemini: there are pews just like in a Catholic church!!!
Siren: let's sit down. when i was young i got mercilessly mocked by bullies from Canada, horrible bullies, six to a pack. they prevented me from having fun the rest of my childhood.
Gemini: how'd you finally stand up to them?
Siren: i was an easy target of course, my deafness was their salve. they bothered like bad bullies, called me DUMB. what could i do? i couldn't SAY anything back to them, i couldn't insult them tho i was insulting the FUCK outta them, SCREAMING those insults, in my head. i started lifting weights, i started getting bigger in the gym, i started not going to the bathroom anymore, until i became the human specimen you see before you today: 7 foot, 300 pounds all muscle and butt, not a DRIP of fat on my torso.
Gemini: you a brick house cemented with SEXY BRICKS.
Siren: man that is such a luxury. from now on i'm calling you Gwen Stefani. what'd you say to your bullies?
Gemini: get lost. scram. leave. exit the premises. get out of my bathroom. i was always a skinny kid, people thought they could drag me around.
Siren: i toss you around like a ragdoll but that's in the bedroom.
Gemini: i didn't develop my first bicep muscle until last week.
Siren: my biceps are still bigger than yours.
Kyle Brandt: you love me cos i analyze football in terms of ONLY '80s NES video games...
Jean Harlow: The Coffee Kids, i was in The Coffee Kids when i was a kid, we were the rival gang to The Little Rascals...
Brooke Trantor: they grow tits bigger in Chicago.
Leslie Sbrocco: tell me about it...
Sarah Spain: yup.
Brooke Trantor: it has to do with our harsh Chicago winters, we pack that extra body heat in our massive tits...
DoorDash: don't worry, our tip is included in your delivery fee.........food is extra...
Boc: I'M WALKIN' HERE!!!
Christopher Walken: no you're not, you're Dustin Hoffman.
Boc: i need my beauty walk each morning.
Enrico Colantoni: i know, the dinosaurs were extinguished by a comet, not an asteroid.
Vanilla Ice: ask me about Oort clouds.
Was (Not Was): ...
Extra gum: our magazine ads are like the old Marlboro cigarette magazine fold-in interstitial ads with the cowboy at sunset sliding down a cactus mountain with a bikini'd woman on his back, the two of them carefully clutching their lit Marlboro cigarette betwixt their fingers...
Jean Harlow: my husband Dan Packard the big galut got his fortune in.........in.........what do you do again? meat packing?
Dan Packard: no, corrupt stocks and bonds.
Jean Harlow: oh that's right, you caused the Great Depression...
Fuerza: the end-title card at the end of every Three's a Crowd episode, that beach scene with the rainbow, THAT is Paradise, THAT is what Heaven ACTUALLY looks like...
Superman: if you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Doctor Who: kindness.
Uber Eats: carrots, yes.
parrots: no, parrots yes.
Red Bull: especially yawning parrots.
Fareed Zakaria: the only reason people watch my program is for the Bleeding Tome of Sound at the beginning. when an army starts bombing the Ferris wheel of their enemy's town square, that's when the war has gotten ugly, that's when the war went sideways...
Audry Lynch: i'm an eccentric old lady, a crazy old bird who still wears leopardprint. so of course i mothered David Lynch.
Doryce: send her down to crone college!!!
David Lynch: my earliest memory is my mom in a Three's Company muumuu...
Super Mario driving a tow truck: i ain't got time for a garage texting me about my missed appointment. don't text me, automotive garage car bodyshop, i ain't got time for bird sex.
Gavin Newsom: i was born to be JFK.
eatware: Helen of Troy Unlimited...
The Holdovers: White Noise.........if it was set in the 1970s...
Mike Pence: maybe i should be the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys...
Jason Garrett: i went to school with your dad...
me: you have that certain Richie Cunningham buzzcut...
Jamie Erdahl: i have an IMMACULATE BUTT. my butt is magnificent, my butt is SO FUCKING LARGE AND IN CHARGE you live in the crack, you set up shop in there. my butt is its own NEIGHBORHOOD, its own ZIP CODE without tats. my butt is in your face, my butt is in your nose, my butt smells like Dia de los Muertos marigolds.
Boc: ice packs are easy.
Gemini: hey can you help me out? i wanna do something special for my girl.
Dalai Lama: that's why i'm here. that's what i'm here for. that's why i was born. for the 11th time. cover your girl's eyes with your hands.
Gemini: she ain't gonna like that, she bites.
Dalai Lama: walk her down the endless stairs. watch out for that first step, it's a doozy. there's a carousel in the basement of this temple. be sure to remove the tarp off it first. lie to her, lie to your future wife, tell her you conjured up this carousel with Buddhist magic or some shit.
Siren is finally able to see again. if not to hear again.
Siren: oh Gemini this is FUCKING MAGIC!!!
Gemini: i was hoping you'd say that.
Siren: how'd you know?
Gemini, gulping: oh i knew.........somehow...
Siren: it's so wondrous. so fast. so speedy. the kids were cruel. they prevented me from riding this. this very same EXACT carousel. i can tell it's the same one cos here's the hole bored through the wood where i had my first sexual encounter. when i was on here i closed my eyes, for i couldn't hear that tinny organ carnival jack-in-the-box music anyway. this wasn't a wooden horse, this horse was real, this horse was my Pegasus i would use to fly the heck out of my current depressing circumstance. leave my location lithely with light. join the circus, the only place a freak like me would ever belong, right?
Gemini: hey we're both freaks who joined the circus. a circus called American Gladiators. my lady, may i have this ride?
Gemini bows in his American Gladiators unitard. Siren mounts her wood horse in HER American Gladiators unitard.
Gemini: can i ride you from the back?
Siren: um, sure.
the two ride the carousel continuously with a couple bumpy delays till midnight when the happy couple throws up together.
Gemini: non-stop horse action.
Mr T: now THIS is Buddhism.
Siren: i fell asleep i was so at peace.
Dalai Lama: and the carousel NEVER STOPPED GOING IN A CIRCLE...
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