at the Assault game on American Gladiators.
Gemini: i OWN this game. this is MY game. i hate guns.
Nitro: well, big guy, i mean it's really MY game.Gemini: all respect and deference to you guys, the Native American Indians have it worse than us.
Malibu flashing the hang-loose and teeth so bright it blinds the front row: it's my game.
Gemini: yeah but you're goofy-looking.
Mr. T: cool game. but it shoulda been called Storming the Castle.
Billy Crystal: ...
Mr. T: this game's funny as fuck. oh my god i can't stop laughing my sides hurt. i mean when the puny little constant gets BEANED IN THE GUT WITH A TENNIS BALL traveling at 100 mph shot out of a T-shirt cannon, that is what funny is all about, that is what being a motherfucker is all about.
Novak Djokovic: yeah it's funny when YOU'RE the contestant. I was the contestant. that hurt like hell. the tennis ball punctured my calf muscle so I was disqualified from the U.S. Open. it forced me into having cramps.
Roger Federer: do you not appreciate the irony of this situation, blood?
Djokovic: i know i know. but the tennis balls are orange, they're weird-looking, they're hard to see.
Gemini: i don't get our bossman, why did he replace ME with YOU? it's only Season 2!!! and i'm a fan favorite.
Vyper: one of the Gladiators from the Original Cast got every single one of his bones broken.........so here i am. and i'm getting HATED ON like a motherfucker just because i'm new, i'm the new guy. they never gave me a chance, never got to know me, find out about me. find out that i like to watch the ducks on Sunday nights and eat pastries. because i'm replacing their precious American Gladiator of their nostalgia they can't move on from.
Mr. T: a man HAS NO BOSS. a man IS his boss.
Gemini: no, it's cos you spell your name with a Y, Vyper not Viper, that's just goofy.
at the hostel laundry room.
Luke Russert: huh. didn't think it'd go down like this.
Tai: don't put the laundry basket on the stool. keep it on the floor. see? now you have to BEND THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR BACK to get the clothes to put them in the washer. that's a good stretch, man!!!
Luke: yeah i know. i just thought YOU would be doing the laundry and then i'd get a chance to check out your butt when YOU bend.
Tai: women doing the laundry? that is so 1950s, bruh.
Jeremy Allen White: do you get hot-dog drops on your forehead, too?
Brooke Trantor: my black heels heeled you.
Tai and Mardith: what are you doing here?
Brooke Trantor: training you. you're doing it all wrong, ladies. i'll teach you how to get any man whilst you're doing your yoga: start licking your own tits with your long tongue. start sucking on your own tits...
Lindy Lenz: cook the spaghetti for 12 minutes, NOT 15 MINUTES!!! it becomes porridge at 15 minutes. and the pot is so cackly wild with bubbling hot water that spits at you it's impossible to colander. also, FORK the butter for better butter grip.
Brooke Trantor: i'm playing Lisa Rubin in the upcoming Trump movie...
Hilda from Lucky: come on Wednesdays at 9:30 AM for lunch, that's when we're fully stocked with all the corned beefs, swiss cheeses, sauerkrauts, black ryes, and Thousand Island dressings your heart desires.
Reuben: i'm not a kosher sandwich...
Melissa Maker: but you're delicious.
Mike Adamle in the booth: i'd like everyone to welcome my co-host on this show American Gladiators for the past 13 years, DICK BUTKUS!!!
Dick Butkus: thank you, audience. and you at home. i love a good crowd. a good crowd fills me with violence and i become a different person. my name sounds VERY NAUGHTY.
Mike Adamle: people think i'm just some guy. but i played football...
Lyle's Golden Syrup: what became of the Cowardly Lion...
Elon Musk: Starlink? you can't blame me for EVERY problem on Earth. look i don't even eat Taco Bell, okay? i use those flat-bottom corn shells from Ortega.
Old El Paso: why not both? soft taco shells AND Droids.
Freddie Mercury: "Fat Bottomed Girls," that song was about me...
Brian May: my nanny fed me fat-bottomed shells.
boomer submarine: not a party sub...
Kyle Brandt: FINALLY PG&E will work on time, cos I work there now.
Mighty Boosh moon: is the sun gone? can it be cool again? can we have cool times here?
Star Trek sun: it'll be back hot tomorrow...
Bullseye the Target dog: don't paint my eye with a bullseye, dude, i don't like it. it's like Pete the Pup from Little Rascals but color.
Greykid: Creepy Catnip, special Halloween cat treats, they just make you MORE high...
Boc: walk, it's something to look forward to each morning, it's something you can DO every day...
Tai: no more deep breaths, just inhale me.
Boc: there's fog...
Ear Horn: ...and then there's tugboat fog.
Eye Luggage and Laertus: perfect weather for tugging each other.
Molly McCollum at The Weather Channel; i got sneaky big tits...
Boc: that's some bullshit. did you guys see that? the poor seagulls are cawing for love and fly into a SEAGULL KITE ON A STRING on top of the Ace Hardware roof!!! those poor lovesick lovelorn seagulls. HEY STEVIE NICKS, TURN THAT FUCKING CAR ALARM OFF!!!
Mardith: mustard bath, i'm digging this.
Dirg: it looks like someone went number one in this tub.
Madame Pons: i knew you'd like it, spirit daughter. you were always different, you always preferred mustard over ketchup on your fries.
Mardith: i need a seed detox from Dirg.
Tyzik: this Tartan Tape is curlier than my fro!!! it's impossible to cut and straighten!!!
Boc: isn't it great to go from a Heat Advisory to a Fog Advisory?
Tai: what does it take to be a fitness model?
Mardith: the Asian ones get the most followers.
Tai: that's perfect for me...
Dirg: and the most flowers...
Nancy Jo Sales: i mean it's still cool to be penpals with Woody Allen, right? that was valuable access, that inspired me to become a writer!!!
Mr. Diamond the Spanish teacher at Crespi High: where's Bartolomeo? that Chicano gang member is always absent!!! remember the word tardy?
Bartolomeo: i'm in One Piece, Mr. Diamond.
Mr. Diamond: i'm glad you're safe, Barto. what's a one piece? una pedazo?
Kristi Reimers: do you know how hard it is to compete with LUSH? Eco Carmel was here first.
Madame Pons: how does it feel to get a good reaming after your bath? you stole my waking-dreams spoken-word slam!!!
Boc: on my walk i saw two Bichon Frise the size of Great Danes drinking all the water out of the fountain at The Barnyard on my way to Lafayette Bakery for a strawberry tart.........that was brilliant.
Lafayette: we a classy joint, we don't sell no glazed donuts. we sell tarts with hidden apricot jam in the hole.
Boc: if your're having a bad day, just think of big tits...
Jen R: Eclipse Festival, Canada's Burning Man...
Melissa Maker: i'm taking Rubikon to Eclipse Jazz...
Mr. T: whoa!!! that's a cool tea-urn you've got there, auntie!!!
Gemini: no this is my thermos. gifted to me by Ear Horn. she's a doll. it even has scenes from Droids episodes on it!!!
Ear Horn: i handmaid homemade homecasted it myself, dearie.
Mr. T: what's in it? come on, you can tell me. spill the tea, blood. what's your secret? how were you able to vanquish me?
Gemini: red onion pudding. keeps my strength up.
Mr. T: i pinned The Undertaker at Wrestlemania. i also faced The Undertaker on an episode of A*Team. i vanquished him with one look, i gave him one of my patented evil-eye looks, he may be from the dead but i'm from the streets, ya dig?
Gemini: shouldn't The Undertaker be an American Gladiator? seems a perfect fit.
The Undertaker: no i should be a contestant.
Mr. T: i got a tea-urn from the Victorian Era at my home, it's got lions with lady asses.
No comments:
Post a Comment