Luke Russert: it was the most aggravating day of my life.
Tai: when we went to Kitzbuhel?
Luke: no that was a pretty relaxing day actually. the day before. i went to a local grocery store called the Fatherknuckle. to get some pink salt.
Tai: you know you should really be getting Hawaii pink salt.
Luke: the dude at the cash register, the clerk, hands me the LONG-ASS RECEIPT WITH NO CASH CHANGE!!! he completely forgets my change!!! 8 dollars, poof, GONE!!!
Tai: i'm breaking just hearing that. we all need back.
Luke: i tried to get rageful but i realized as i walked back outside out of the store that all anger is stupid. thankfully i got a call just then that distracted me.
Lindy Lenz: it was me. i was having my cravings again. not pregnant, just hungry. i needed Chicharrones NOW. not the spicy kind, the extra extra extra cheese ones.
Luke: you see my dilemma. i can't go back to the SAME store which jipped me. so i walk 1000 miles to the way other side of town to the ONLY OTHER grocery store, Mothermart. it was here the miracle happens. AS SOON AS i get to the front of this store, in the very first aisle in front of my face, is a clipped bag of EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA CHEESE CHICHARRONES!!!
Lindy: that's fucking magic.
Tai: it's a sign you need to calm down, Luke, you're too fat to get angry.
Luke: it gets better. on my walk home i notice and pick up a lucky penny. AND a lucky grape!!! yeah there's this one green grape in the middle of the road, that's gotta mean SOMETHING, right?...
Jen R: j'en ai marre.
me: Grace Jones.
Jen R: very good. are we playing house today?
me: this is our treehouse. like it? this is where we're gonna be living, this treehouse is our house.
Jen R: okay but it's gotta have an indoor pool, you know how freaked out i get over riptides. omg that LITTLE YELLOW BROOM is SO CUTE!! can i keep it?
me: of course, you're the cuter one so you get to rake back outside all the leaves out of the pool room of our treehouse each morning.
Jen R: i'll be like an anime Carol Burnett in the morning, you'll see me holding this broom as you swallow an English muffin whole. do you know that the price of a slice of extra extra extra cheese pizza in New York City is now MORE than a subway ticket ride?
me: there's one way to upend the NYC pizza principle: jump the turnstile. i'm trying to be more of a disruptor these days in an effort to impress you. is it working?
Jen R: i'm still here.
me: your concern for the poor in New York City is why i love you. you're the only cooling center of compassion left in this cold cruel callous crater of a world...
bump you: the perfect expression to tell off Ex-President Bump...
Pee-wee Herman: i have joined Jambi now. Jambi has taught me several things.
Jambi: but not many things.
Pee-wee Herman: Jambi's green face is the Earth we all live on and aspire to protect and maintain, we want our Green Globe of a world to render and remain Jambi's face...
the Midnight: wait, look at us, look at all the bandmembers in this band, look how YOUNG we look!!! we're all BABYFACES!!! what are we? we can't be more than 22. how can we sing about the 1980s?...
The Feral Monk: i'm a little bit wilder than The Rebel Monk. I DO NOT ABIDE the comfort of any master's refuge.
the Dude from Big Lebowski: ...
Shirley Manson: ...
Cheesebro: i'm named in the indictment. i'm from Wisconsin. yeah i know.
Cachan: i play tennis on red clay in August to get better than Deku, you nerds!!! so I get One For All, not John McEnroe's son...
Cachan: foot fault?!!! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.
linesboy: don't argue with me, i got a Heath Ledger-Joker tat on my leg...
Fezco: don't worry, i'm at Fedco...
Xavier from Craig of the Creek: insulin causes insolence, right?
Craig: why'd you cut the crusts off the PB&J? that's the BEST PART OF BREAD!!!
Laertus's grandpa: i concur.
Whoopi Goldberg: see you have water in your body when you have sex that sloshes around when you're at Raging Waters. pool sex is for EXPERTS ONLY. don't P in the pool, ONE P in my name, TWO Os...
Madame Pons: seed bomb? sounds Oppenheimer. sounds dangerous.
Mardith: thery're cute little seed balls you throw at people to help the environment. and to paint as art. you gotta get with the kids' times, mama...
Takahashi: i need to expand my world beyond Pokemon...
Gabe Kotter: ah, the Riegelmann, those were the days. i got my foot stuck in the planks of the boardwalk, i was trapped there all summer, nobody ever came to help me.
Julie Kotter: such beautiful memories.
Gabe: didn't we have sex for the first time on the Parachute Jump?
Julie: that was the ride you got SO SCARED on that glorious mustache on your face started growing in out of fright, it was your defense mechanism...
Emily Lloyd: i mean i couldn't believe it!!! there they were, the Dalai Lama's temple dogs chasing after me!!!
Dalai Lama: i didn't say sic em, i swear.
Emily Lloyd: i mean i thought your pooches would be cute furry Lhasa Apsos or something.
Benji the dog: that's me with REAL LONG Tibetan hair...
Emily Lloyd: why were you so angry at me?
Dalai Lama: DO MERMAIDS!!! you should have down the movie Mermaids with Cher!!!...
Eye Luggage: Reality Bites and go.
Ben Stiller: you had NO IDEA i was in this, right? you picture Winona Ryder, you picture Ethan Hawke, you picture Janeane Garofalo. but never me. i DIRECTED the damn thing!!!
President Bill Cinton: Reality Bites doesn't mean Reality Sucks. it refers to VIDEO BITES, little nuggets of 5-second TV spots with a simple subliminal message that was spread all throughout MTV and those megaphone trucks on streets, that's what swung the vote my way. without MTV Rock The Vote i wouldn't have won the White House and secured America's future. a Democrat FINALLY got the youth vote and turned the tide...
Winona Ryder: this movie is so HOMEY, so COMFORTING, so WARM. like a blanket hug.
Jen R: a sweater hug...
Winona: a medicinal-sweater hug. it's 1994. Clinton is in office. times are happy. times are steady. times are CALM. times are bullish and optimistic...
Winona Ryder's Valedictory Address:
Winona: as your valedictorian i say to you my fellow college graduates.........THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD. I'M SCARED AS SHIT. there is no future. there is no future for us. we are fucked. i mean, what is life?.........i don't know.........nobody knows. nobody has EVER known. how are the '90s gonna be for us young people? let's hope the music is good at least to help us cope...
Ethan Hawke in the graduation crowd: this is at least a better meaning of life than NOTHING...
Eddie Vedder in the graduation crowd: life's gonna be pretty dead-end.
exec: yeah so make this movie like Singles but not as good. and without Kurt nor ANY of the Seattle Grunge bands...
Ben Stiller: not fair to me for my first time, Singles was a masterpiece.
Laertus: this opening scene on the ledge of a tall building is making me very WOOZY. it's very UNCOMFORTABLE, I HATE HEIGHTS!!! please stop...
Eye Luggage hugs Laertus and slips him a mickey of Devil's Trumpet flowers to cheer him up.
Eye: this will help with your seasickness balance, babe.........it's like dramamine but illegal so you know it'll work...
Mickey Mouse: Pluto can fly now because he ate and poops this flower.
Janeane Garofalo is called into Ben Stiller's office.
Janeane: must love dogs?
Ben: look at me, i'm obviously a cat person.
Janeane: sorry for my antics. but i don't like to rehearse.........even tho i still want to be an actress as my profession and career...
Ben Stiller: you're fired. you're causing a commotion on set.........by not being on set...
Janeane: there's only one way to settle and solve all this.
Ben: how?
Janeane: date me. but no escape rooms, leave that to mental hospitals. no mystery dinner theater, leave that to American Gladiators.
Winona: give her one more chance, Ben. i'll vouch for her. Janeane doesn't rehearse because she PERFECTLY ENCAPSULATES the slacker Gen X ethos. she is exactly in line with this character.
Janeane: my method is the 100% OPPOSITE of Method.
Winona: Janeane Garofalo is the Queen of the '90s!!! even tho she's 10 years older than all of us...
Janeane: well YOU'RE the Queen of the '90s, Winona, i'm the Princess of the '90s. you're the Audrey Hepburn of the '90s, i'm Audrey's ugly stepsister. i'm live-action Daria...
Ethan Hawke: Troy Dyer, sublime name for my character, someone with the name of Troy has a lot of internal struggles like the people. the people's horse.
Winona: Lelaina?!!! come on, that is a BOSS name. i pierce your heart...
Steve Zahn; i guess i'm Gray cos.........things don't go well for me. i'm gray inside, i'm sad.
Boc: gray gay?
Greykid: ...
Greykid: i don't care either way...
Ben: Steve Zahn, you remind me of Owen Wilson...
Winona: Troy, you're so smart you're an intellectual.
Ethan: yeah i read Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac in paperback on a motorcycle i stole as i hot-rod it across the country. naturally i get hungry on the road and need a snack. the only eats open at 3AM are gas stations. i steal and eat ONLY ONE Snickers bar, is that such a crime? think about it this way, that Snickers bar is my only food, it was unhealthy food, so it didn't benefit me at all...
Winona: you're cute. and you helped me recognize within myself that yes, i do like brownies. with your guidance and role-modelness you helped me realize this dark sweet secret about myself. you caught me, i like brownies.
Jack Kerouac: yeah you know the guy with the Motorcycle Life Lessons book? he carries around a wrench and a Che Guevara beret. that guy totally copied me...
Janeane: see that scene up there with the four of us on the couch all holding that massive slinky? THAT SCENE WASN'T IN THE MOVIE!!! right? am i crazy over here or what?
Beto O'Rourke: okay i just gotta say this, the TEXAS THING sucks. this movie in Texas just doesn't make sense. even if it's in the enlightened metropolitan oasis of Houston. i mean the five principal actors have NO SOUTHERN ACCENT, only their parents SUDDENLY spring the Texas Twang on us the audience. there's NO WAY this takes place in Texas. this looks like Los Angeles or New York. Singles was in Seattle where it should have been...
Ethan: yeah, my band here is strangely a grunge band, not a country-and-western hoedown band with banjo...
Winona: yeah the thing was we needed this movie to be as BROAD-RANGING as possible, to attract the widest swath of people in America. setting it in L.A. would have been too coastal and we'd lose half our revenue potential. it had to be ALL-APPEALING...
Welcome Back, Kotter: kinda like what we did...
lunchbox: hang out or go out?
Winona: go out. dinner, not coffee.
Eye: i love you, my little goth lunchbox...
Ethan: Mr. Furley would let us live here.
Mr. Roper: i hate that little elf man Furley. he was never serious. he was always drinking all the time, boozing it up. i never drank. only cocoa.
at The Gap.
Janeane: everyone revels in the Age of Aquarius. but nobody thinks about the CHILDREN of the Age of Aquarius. the children are US. i was born because my parents were naked together in the midst of an acid trip...
Winona: that's cool how you do the shirts, bestie.
Janeane: yeah with this one cardboard square here i FOLD THE SHIRTS THE GAP WAY, no creases on the sleeves, no pilling, no dust mites. this little shirt-stretcher thing is quite handy. hey what are you doing, Winona?
Winona Ryder: oh i thought, cos you and i are friends and you're the manager now, i just thought.........you know, i could get a discount on some of these Gap shirts.........a five-fingered discount...
Ethan Hawke on the ocean like The Little Mermaid.
Ethan Hawke: my father taught me the meaning of life. he handed me a conch from Lord of the Flies. the conch was empty inside, indicating LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. so i eat a lot of Quarter Pounders with Cheese. those are good. not as good as grilled-cheese melts but whatever.
Catherine Tate: ain't bovvered.
Ethan: life is a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near-escapes.
Shirley Jackson and Lemony Snicket and Evel Knievel: ...
Ethan: RIGHT before it rains. rain was still romantic in the '90s, there were no monsoons.
Steve Zahn: i mean i smoke Camel Straights, too. it's not a gay thing.
Boc: but those Camel filters are so SOFT and SPONGY like my bed...
Ethan: when your laugh turns into a cackle. and you're not a crone. cancer is kinda funny...
Winona: you're a real dick in this.
John Mahoney: i know but can i still be in Frasier?
Winona: fine but you won't be the star!!! ma honey my ass!!! Frasier and Niles will be the star brothers, then the dog, then Bebe Neuwirth for the goths, THEN you in that damn couch!!!
Ethan Hawke: $5, 5 minutes, good conversation between two people, a cheap cup of coffee, that's all you need in life, Lelaina.
Winona Ryder: really?
Celine from the Before Trilogy: works for me...
Winona: i dunno, Troy, you're too cynical for me. your're too smart to be this cynical. can't you be cynical and still have a job?...
Winona: sorry for throwing a seed bomb at you which caused you to crash your car. why is your office the arcade at Sherman Oaks Magic Castle?
Ben: you're.........kinda cute.
Winona: thanks. this is the first time in my life i've worn jeans. i just got off a movie where i had to fuck Dracula, lots of frilly Jane Eyre dresses...
Ben: i'll let you off with a warning if you can name this Planet of the Apes monkey man.
Winona: sorry, i'm not a nerd.
Ethan: hey Lelaina, PREMATURE EVACUATION.
Janeane Garofalo: as in bowel movement? that was the thing in the '90s, we were OBSESSED with the concept of premature ejaculation, premature ejaculation was EVERYWHERE in the '90s...
Ben: i don't know, i can't communicate around a pretty girl but, i can't talk but i wish we could bottle THIS MOMENT forever, you know?
Winona: yeah, i understand you. have you ever watched an entire movie on the TV screen at a 7-Eleven?
Ethan: do you know how this makes me feel? i'm gutwrenched. you two are fucking in a car, i'm LITERALLY INCHES AWAY form you touching the car looking at you two in the car, i walk past the car and you don't MOVE!!!
at the AM-PM minimart.
Kurt Cobain behind the counter: here's your receipt. sorry for not giving you change, i'm dancing too hard to this song...
Winona: hey you got a gas station here? we're gonna run a scam later...
Ethan: Pringles Ripples? those aren't Pringles anymore...
Janeane: Evian is Naive spelled backward.
Jim Gaffigan: dammit!!! you got here first...
at Don's Plum. in a circle booth...
Winona Ryder: i could never be a lesbian, i'd start laughing.
Janeane: why are you laughing AT MY LIFE? i got tested at the free clinic, the results came back negative, i'm negative for covid. the AIDS Test is a rite of passage for us '90s kids.
Winona: yeah it's fun.
Steve Zahn: so i came out to my mom.........she's not taking it well. this didn't turn out the way i thought, i thought it would be all lovely and fireworks and sweetness and happiness like Pedro Zamora.
Pedro Zamora: ...
Pedro: you want acceptance? live on Mars.
Helen Childress at Mel's Diner behind the counter: call me Flo. you got a call. I WROTE THIS MOVIE!!! this script is my baby. how are you enjoying it so far?
Winona: you got a quarter so i can operate this big black bulky video-cassette recorder from the '80s?
Bob Saget: don't knock it till you try it. America's Funniest Home Videos is a GOOD show, dammit. dammit Saget.
Winona: you look like my dad. why does it always rain when you enter a room?
Eye Luggage: AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!.........two roosters in the same room...
Ben: do you have a problem with me? let's hash things out right here right now. why are you so angry all the time? you're very rude.
Ethan Hawke: cos i'm supposed to be the James Dean here.
Winona: no you're supposed to be a typical '90s man.
Ethan: thank you. why are you so STIFF?
Ben: cos i'm the suit here. i live in the real world. the world of money. not dreams.
Ethan: your dress looks like a doily.
Winona: thank you. it was my grandma's before she went crazy...
Ben: are we gonna have our first walking-fast fight? arguing is good for the soul. i'm sorry. well first of all let me just thank you for not wearing a bra...
Winona: you changed my whole videography school project about my Gen X generation, Ben Stiller!!! my peeps. you wanna have your own show on MTV?
Ben: yes. with my wife Janeane Garofalo. i'll only play one character: Eddie Munster. we had to jazz up your documentary, make it in your face for the kids. we need the kids' respect. Real World on shrooms and blue Windex. we gotta keep the Pizza Hut stuff, Pizza Hut is the sponsor, without them we have no money.
Winona: okay but send all those pizzas to starving children in Africa!!!
Eye Luggage: can we all take a moment and thank Winona Ryder for everything she did for Hollywood.
Winona Ryder takes a bow.
Winona: i got Ethan Hawke to do this, which launched his Before Trilogy masterpiece run over decades.
Ethan Hawke: Stanislavski in my back pocket with Robin Williams wasn't cuttin' it.
Robin Williams: i'm still here, crying inside.
Winona: i married off Ben Stiller and MTV. i saved Janeane Garofalo from becoming a footnote in time.
Johnny Depp: Winona, can you help me? it's 2023.
Winona: wanna do it? those refrigerator magnets of letters are getting me REAL HORNY.
Ethan: if you promise to film my band's first music video in a smoky club using your dad's video-camera.
Winona crying on the phone: LaToya Jackson, you CHASE after that man. you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't...
Janeane: $9000 phone bill from The Psychic Network hotline?...
Winona: don't worry, i'll implement the oldest credit-card scam in the book, i'll ask randos to give me cash and i'll use my dad's credit card to pay for the stranger gas, it's foolproof.
Steve: won't your dad disown you?
Winona: yes but he talks funny.
Winona: i was my college valedictorian.
David Spade in a hot-dog visor: then what the FUCK are you doing HERE?!!! if you have time to lean, you have time to clean...
Winona: who are you, Ray Kroc? and a gangster? this ain't McDonald's, it's Wienerschnitzel!!!
Spade: quick, what's 32/3?
Winona: i don't know.
Spade: can you make exact change?
Winona: i've never tried.
Spade: do you think i can drink my weight in hot-dog water?
Ethan: i've never fucked someone i've loved before!!!
Winona: congratulations, you are a man.
Ethan: what does it mean to MAKE LOVE to someone?
Winona: it means never having sex again.
outside the club.
Ethan: i feel so low right now. i feel like i'm dying. get it? cos i'm Dyer. i'm chasing ghosts and shadows. i feel like sleeping in this ditch right here and never waking up.
Ben: the River Phoenix story, cool. hey i got these two tickets to Thailand, wanna come with? your girlfriend ditched me...
Ethan Hawke, crying: i just want you to know that I GENUINELY LOVE YOU. i'm not gaslighting you this time. where were you going?
Winona Ryder, crying: to look for you. i was gonna do the whole cliche airport thing at the end of every movie.
Ethan: my father died.
Winona: i am SO SORRY, Troy.
Ethan: it's okay. Roger Ebert did the eulogy. William Golding was the pewboy collecting the money.
Winona: the stips. in those cute little church envelopes.
Ethan: promise me if we go to Hawaii we'll never come back to Houston. wanna drive to Mars?...
Winona: wanna have kids?
Ethan: yeah. in Hell.
Winona: whatcha workin' on? on that acoustic Spanish classical guitar?
Ethan: Dave Matthews shit.
Jeanne Tripplehorn: i'm not the Devil...
Ben Stiller: Janeane, Jeanne, Christine...
Jen R: OMG EVAN DANDO!!! IT'S EVAN DANDO!!! he's dreamy. i love Evan Dando more than you.
me: ...
Keith David: i am the Voice of the '90s. i made gargoyles handsome. my voice is what the concept of rad sounds like...
anti-SLAPP: sometimes you get slapped in the face...
Ethan Hawke: okay let's talk soundtrack.
Winona Ryder: THE BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE is this is where Dave Pirner and i met. keep your hair unwashed, dirty, shaggy, and in reggae dreadlocks at all times.
Dave Pirner: um, okay.
Winona: wear a SpaghetiiOs shirt, that'll be cool. if anyone asks you where Ferb is, just say Perry. can i be in your music videos?
Dave Pirner: there's only room for you in the baby-abduction one...
Juliana Hatfield: remember me? i wore that top hat with the hat belt and those blue-black loafers...
U2: THIS is the song we should have put in every airport...
Dinosaur Jr.: farmers squeeze blood form a turnip all day long...
Squeeze "Tempted": the first time you EVER heard Elvis Costello sing...
Big Mountain: thank you, Peter Frampton...
Ethan Hawke: no, the greatest thing to come out of this was of course MY music video for Lisa Loeb's "Stay."
Lisa Loeb: i still think it should be i'm only here in negative...
Ethan: how are those Old Bay Goldfish?
Lisa Loeb: i like my fish skinned, not seasoned.
Dirg: am i still on summer break?
Steve Zahn: Emilie Ikeda is keeping me celibate in her house not letting me see any monks.
Dirg: not fair.
Laertus: oh but this movie has the most gloriously HOPEFUL ending!!!
Eye: yes. i felt it through the screen. that '90s warmth.
Laertus: makes you feel good, you know? makes you feel like everything's gonna be okay.
Jen P: ...
Laertus: somehow everything's gonna work out. things will be fine after great sorrow. you'll get through it. the lost will be lost TOGETHER. then you're not so lost anymore. Gen X is gonna make it...
Eye: let Winona and Ethan be me and you. a hug for the ages. g'night folks.
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