Laertus: Roy Paranzuela was my best childhood friend when i was here.
Eye Luggage: that name sounds familiar. it rings a faint bell. oh yeah, didn't Roy and his folks live in this house before we did?
Ear Horn, blushing, which is hard for goths: tis true, dearie. oh i remember the Paranzuelas!!! lovely nuclear family, full of energy. oh the DAD!!! he was so HANDSOME. built, you know?
Eye: mom.
Ear: everyone at work made fun of him for looking like the nerd form Revenge of the Nerds but i always fancied him a kind of quiet strong-silent Gary Cooper type. he looked just like your father, except he didn't abandon the family and did have a chiseled chin. he had that brat buzzcut, he told me he worked for the government flying fighter jets or something. oh how i wanted to FUCK him.
Eye: mom.
Ear: i wanted to join the Mile High Club THAT way, you know? i wanted to fuck him in the cockpit with his black oily hands while his fighter jet was doing an air campaign in a war.
Eye: mom, not in front of company.
Ear: Laertus isn't company, he's family.
Laertus: i remember it like it was yesterday...
Roy Paranzuela: how do you like being here?
Laertus: it's the '80s at Gilmore St., the lawns are still green out front of everyone's home. the world is still in an okay place.
Roy: you're living in a fantasy world. you know Santa Claus doesn't exist, right? he's just your parents.
Laertus: no that can't be true. Santa got me the Nintendo Entertainment System for 1985, Santa Claus is a god!!!
Roy: you're lucky you have parents with that level of love, mine are always gone. mom's got cakes to bake. dad's always off on long secret missions for the U.S. government.
Laertus: i don't know if THIS is the right time to bring this up but i'm kinda like Bart Simpson and you're kinda like Milhouse, right?
the two of us skulk to the pawn shop down the street located right next to Don's Plum. before i have a chance to talk him out of it, to talk two words to him, Roy is already SWIPING an old dusty Aladdin's lamp off the shelves with his grubby fingers and dirty hands!!! we RUN!!!
Laertus: it's a good thing we're young.
Roy: and that old shopkeeper was OLD.
Laertus: why the hell'd you STEAL it, buddy? what's wrong with your head?
Roy: bumped it at AYSO soccer practice trying to drink a Hi-C pouch.
we stop when we're in the clear at the Gilmore St. cul-de-sac.
Roy: i resent my father. he kept going on about a magic lamp right before he left for years. so i figured i'd get back at him in THIS small way.
we hear a siren and start running again. to the right of Gilmore St., the other way to the other looping streets and the suburbs...
Laertus: wait, that could just be the Don's Plum Dinner Bell. it's like the Bob's Big Boy Bellow but more adult.
Roy: you got a getaway car?
Laertus: all i got is this E.T. bicycle. it doesn't fly but it goes fast.
Roy: perfect, i hate flying.
the both of us board the bike and off we go in a hurry. we speed-demon on that twelve-speed black Huffy bike through each successive looping street. the fog gets denser with each looping street.
Roy: PEDAL TO THE METAL!!!
Laertus: i'm too young to know what metal music is yet.
Roy: i'd like to make a deposit.........get it? cos of the fogbank.
Laertus: i'm 8 years old!!! i know NOTHING of finance!!! my parents deal with the bank, the bank is a building in my coloring book...
Laertus: there is nothing more cliche than kids who run away from home and then get lost.
Roy: i think we lost them. let's make our way back. WAIT we gotta DITCH the bike!!!
Laertus: why?!!!
Roy: it's evidence.
Laertus: okay. this trek home in the mist is gonna SUCK.
Roy: no it's gonna be rad and goth.
Laertus: we get to Roy's house, Eye's house, the house on the corner.
Roy: my dad's gonna KILL me!!! that was HIS bike!!!
Laertus: but isn't your dad not home?
Roy: time to face the music.
Roy waits till i get to my front door in the center of Gilmore St. i know what's in store for me and him, i know what the questions are gonna be. i stand on my front porch stoop and take a LONGING GLANCE over to Roy's house on the corner of the sidewalk. he takes a LONGING GLANCE BACK at me in my middle house. and then, IN UNISON, we BOTH enter our respective houses at the same time...
Gabe Kotter: i want Freddie Mercury's mustache comb!!!
Roger Federer: okay so i do occasionally e-vape mid-serve...
Frances Tiafoe: the silver chain around my neck? it says TIAFOE THO.
August Rain: a cool cat who played in Thelonious Monk's jazz band during the lost years.........also the best kind of rain...
Gladyce: when i'm doing my morning jumping jacks, when my arms reach an arch above my head, i'm also saying hi to the ducking birds flying above.
Doryce: your arms ARE LITERALLY bird wings, dear.
me: i had a Roy Paranzuela in my childhood, his name was Lucio Rossi...
Lucio looking not staring at his green phone: Comenity calling me Saturday morning at 8AM? i KNOW you are spam cos you're a BANK!!!
Sam Smith: that's unholy, man. that's sacrilege. Saturday mornings are meditative quiet times to relax your soul and watch cartoons...
me: there are so many things i wish i could have shared with you.
Jen R: more anime?
me: Episode 6 of Boogiepop Phantom (2000), "Mother's Day," best line: unlike men, women must have 2 faces throughout life: one as a woman, and one as a mother. take this plant, the leaf is the mother absorbing nutrients, the flower is the woman just there to look beautiful.
me: i wanna fuck your butt no matter what.
Jen R: i'm giving you credit, that's a pretty good rhyme.
Luke Russert: i never thought at this late stage of my life i'd have to start comparison-shopping between Safeway and Lucky...
Luke Russert: i don't like going to Safeway anymore...
Tai: yeah you do. remember what you told me in bed?
Luke: i wasn't paying attention.
Tai: you gotta go to Safeway at exactly 1PM. that's when they bake the jojo potatoes FRESH ONE TIME ONLY each day. only one batch has it. the smell of fresh french fries wafting the parking lot is pure intoxication.
Keebler Elves: wanna fuck?
Keebler Elves: why didn't we get our own Saturday morning cartoon a la The Smurfs?...
Fierljeppen: the official sport of My Life as a Dog...
Melbourne: Malfe, an Italian sports car. and a brand of British oatmeal...
illiquid: Doryce on Thursday mornings...
Catherine Tate: well dry.
Doryce: i'm dry. that's why if i want to be wet i must meet a fireman this Thursday night...
Codrus: i am not a fan of religion, but i do appreciate the Archbishop of Manila, Cardinal Sin...
Ethan Hawke: i wanted to wipe my mouth on your doily dress after eating Texas barbecue...
Winona Ryder: that is vile, disgusting, and horrible.
Ethan Hawke: but that was when i was mad at you. when you were with Ben Stiller. i don't mean it now. i don't want to anymore.
Sweden: it's fitting, right? OUR Megan Rapinoe kicked the winning penalty-kick goal...
Ingmar Bergman: stay calm, Sweden, stay calm like a Swede...
Shibuya: shall i show you my booty?...
Zelenskyy: thank you, Chris Christie, but "Always" is my favorite song...
Whopper: what you're really paying for is the vegetables...
Diana Ross: when you think of adulting, doesn't it send a chill down your spine? doesn't it give you CHILLS?...
Mr. Maldark: see the time to do the thing at the place is 8AM-8:30AM. if you do it at the place from 7AM-7:30AM, you may think you're doing it so early nobody's up yet but actually everyone is DRIVING to the place from 7AM-7:30AM. if you think you're pulling a fast one by doing the thing at the place from 7:30AM to 8AM, you're not, you're just kidding yourself. 7:30-8 is when you should be ARRIVING at the place...
Gladyce: you're talking about doing jumping jacks at school, right?...
Roy: dad?!!! you're home?!!!
Roy Paranzeula, Sr.: i am sorry, son. i am sorry for everything. you can't have a family AND a dream. i went chasing my dream. and i took a bit too long.
Roy: try 20 years, dad.
dad: i work for Boeing now.
Roy: nobody cares, dad.
dad: when i was a boy who looked exactly like you, i had a dream. i wanted to fly fighter jets for the government of the United States of America. i wore a bomber jacket all the time and everything, a silver Air Force bomber jacket with the face of Tom Clancy on the back.
Roy: why'd you do it, dad?
dad: i had to keep everything hush-hush for security reasons. i couldn't tell you and your mother where i was going. i couldn't tell the President where i was going. i was on a secret mission to retrieve Aladdin's lamp from the enemy.
Laertus: did you ask Robin Williams, sir? did you ask Indiana Jones, sir?
Roy: yeah i have the lamp, dad, i stole it from a pawn shop like a good little boy.
dad: well DAMN that explains a lot!!! i mean i've been gallivanting the globe, going to 195 countries, Earth-hopping like a motherfucker searching for that damn thing!!! lamp legend my built ass. i've climbed to the top of EVERY SINGLE CARVED TOTEM POLE IN THE WORLD. i've dug ditches to bathe myself. i've put a pink veil over my mouth to get into palace doors. you mean to tell me the lamp was HERE THE WHOLE TIME?!!!
Roy: come home, dad. the lamp was getting rusty without you. who's the enemy?
Roy Paranzuela, Sr.: Flintheart Glomgold.
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