* Rick Moranis: i mean think aboot it from my angle. i was quite happy and content being anonymously retired for ALL these motherfucking years...but it's you so i decide what the heck maybe it's time to dip back into the waters. not full-on Hollywood, just a spot to ease into it. the greenery is nice, like a light salad, reminds me of the Gentle Giant peas i eat with my wife. the herb growing naturally in cement by the road takes me back to Portlandia. and then like ONE motherfucking week later after this commercial when i'm back in the spotlight and i get coldcocked like a blind bitch on the New York streets. i mean WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with 2020?
Ryan Reynolds: i am so SO sowry. i really am. i'm saying sorry the Canadian way...and as a Canadian i will be as Canadian as possible and be the first to blame only myself and ask for your heartfelt apology and do whatever i can to make things right but better. let's bring things and the temperature down to an urgently soft level again.
* George Clooney: i flowbee'd my cancer away!!!!!!!!!!
* Avan Jogia: Dan Schneider made me an alcoholic......cos he didn't write any scripts for me, i had no storyline the whole run! i coulda played Victoria Justice NOW when she realizes she was never meant to be the star, Grande was. there's a lot of fertile ground there, a pile of psychological meat to pick at and psyche-sear on the grill of the voiced mind for a good dark monologue...
* okay first of all, this man is a GREAT actor! so natural, no seams!!! Workaholics, huh. yeah i heard of that show, but never watched it. Comedy Central and i had a falling-out oh like a decade or two ago, just stopped watching the channel. last show i saw on there was that cartoon about monster Americans trying to get their citizenship in New York. and H. Jon Benjamin in a white van...
* hey don't bring the '90s into your problems, it's not the '90s's fault
* sponsored by McDonald's Transformers toys. the Decepticon toys make the meal a little more expensive than before, blame the Christian groups
* "Cantaloop"! play "Cantaloop"!
* the music in your head...
* remember how we used to rap by blowing our cheek flaps like beefaroni
* spoilers: his twin never got fat...
* Brittany Murphy: don't ever tell me again mold is just something that occurs naturally in nature...
* bury your emotions...write an alt rock Smashing Pumpkins song about it...
* those high-school reunions never go as planned. your crush that you now have the life experience and maturity to be able to handle fucking her under the bleachers? yeah, she didn't come...
...she's not there cos she was killed saving the bonobos from poachers in Africa...never have i felt so self-absorbed...never worked out again after that...
* his heart's in a wooden box like Snow White...
* BACK WHEN HAPPY MEALS WERE AFFORDABLE!!!
* it's the Masshole syndrome---you think you're better than me?---gets countless killed...
* like a NASCAR race gone bad...
* the pinball reference, adult-swim watchers now didn't get any of that...
* Will Smith didn't get back to you with the copyrights, he's busy picking up the pieces of his shattered life with his Aunt Viv...
* Joe Perry's head ain't right...
Joe Pera: working on Season 3...
* nah it wasn't weird, his daughter was stripping and everything but Steven Tyler never had a scene WITH Liv in the entire video...
* wow y'know this brings up an interesting concept: for twins, when they look in a mirror, do they see THEMSELVES or their TWIN?...
* this actor is so clean and professional after all that there's not a drop of sweat on him
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: okay see i've never had Green Burrito. but it's tough to find a Green Burrito that's NOT attached to a Carl's Jr or Hardee's. i want to try their...well green burrito dish, right? i mean that's the whole point...also two of their tacos...comparing it to the Taco Bell tacos...and the Jack In The Box tacos cos there are Jack In The Box tacos for some reason...
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