Wednesday, December 2, 2020

PROPER PAT: THE OTHER BEAVER





and so, Pat spends hellish years at a British boarding school. he barely survives.

Pat: now that i'm a teenager, a youth as they call it over here, i don't have enough energy to be rebellious!

the good news is he develops a perfect English accent.

in the waning days of his primary-schooling, Pat is feeling particularly hungry, particularly peckish. so he hops down to the mess hall but he's in a mood and they're not serving what he's craving:

Pat: *holds out his beige bowl* excuse me, sir, may i have another?

headmaster: *fixing his spyglass* you may certainly NOT, young man!!!

Pat flips the tray and destroys the mess hall.

Pat: MAN WHAT YOU PLAYIN'! YOU SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE ON THANKSGIVING DAY???! CRANBERRY SAUCE???! EVERYONE HATES CRANBERRY SAUCE!!!!!!

the next morning Pat has calmed down some and washes the walls with his tongue and water from the Fountain.

Pat: sorry, man, mate, what's on tap for lunch today? for tea?

headmaster: Thousand Island dressing.

Pat: MAN YOU PLAYING A JOKE ON ME, MISTER???! when i smell the pique smell of Thousand Island dressing i think of three things: Big Macs, In N Out Burger, and wanting to travel to a thousand islands, to ALL the islands. more than anything else in the world i want to travel the world...

Codrus is in the woods by the English countryside and gets in a fight with the Emerging Elf in the tree trunk:

Emerging Elf: why aren't you moving? is it cos you're God?

Codrus: hurry up! i can't punch you till you emerge!

Dirg: so i went and knocked on the door of Chesley Bonestell, like i did with Stan Lee. he lives right here in Obec. all i saw were stalls of brown cows with astronaut helmets on, no airports. turns out he died. sucks. he's bones now. bones buried on Mars. actually it was HE who was the first person on Mars...

Dirg: what's with the two men who look like Waldo without the hat in bed together whenever i search on Google for "sex". what's with the generic Bond villainess giant and nude and woman by a shoreline with the seawaves forming a crashing-down line opposite her everytime i look up "nude". hey Takahashi for your birthday i got you the Super Mario Cake from Stone Cold Steve Austin Creamery!

Takahashi: it's no Winchester pie but it'll do

Doryce: did somebody say birthday batter?!

the entire group and squad are at Macy's and the larger mall doing their Christmas and holiday shopping:

Takahashi doesn't buy socks made in Honduras, instead he gives to a Honduran charity.

Dirg: tape? scotch tape on "classy" Polo shirts?...

Gladyce buys panties which are too small for her vagina. she doesn't say a word to Doryce, she keeps mum. she simply places them in the cupboard next to the saucers and never wears them again...uses them as dishrags...

Dirg: Taka, hint hint, i need boxer shorts, buddy. i balled up all the tape into one sticky ball and threw it in the trash. it landed and stuck to the crotch of my torn-to-shreds boxer shorts i had discarded in the trash earlier...my boxer shorts are my cum-collectors...the symbolism was deafening...

Laertus: i'm skinny but i have a fat ass. my bottom butt is a wide-load, a truck, a carriage, a Kylo Ren.

Eye Luggage: you're okay, dear, you're fine.

Dirg: with the amount of tiny rapiers pierced through this shirt, we could fence a gentleman's duel...

Dirg: from now on, i'm only gonna wear plain white T-shirts.........hey Takahashi, for Christmas i got you a big bag of Cheetos Snowflakes. what? it has a to-from label emblazoned on the corner of the bag there...

Laertus: is it safe to come out again?

Dirg: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn's profile pic for Instagram should have been a pic of Major Motoko...

Dirg: hey man, don't mess with my Hallmark Christmas movies...

Gladyce to Doryce, now back at The Treehouse:

Gladyce: dear avoid getting out of the shower when you see hair strands stuck to the tile, simply pick up the hair, make a wish, and blow them away......over the bubbly mottled shower railing...

Gladyce at The Store: it's too hard for me to eat these The Store sandwiches cos they're so big, too stacked, too tall it unhinges my jaw to eat them...

Michael Weiss with a spyglass: you want to get women to notice you on Instagram? call them "bud"...

Eye: Trent Reznor, W.H. Auden. dismantle the stars from the sky......not saying they're sleeping together but, y'know...

Tyzik: PEPSI! all you did for your Christmas commercial was photoshop Christmas lights in the background of your regular commercial?!!!!!...

Rubikon, teaching: the Mangrove Nine. if only Denny's and IHOP were switched in Obec.........I HATE COUNTRY ROADS!!!...

the schoolchildren have no idea what he's talking about, which the headmaster takes as a sign that he's a good teacher...

Dirg: i want Zombie Tramp to join the Orchid Girls...

Polished Chaos joins the Orchid Girls...first time didn't take...

at The Weather Channel:

Reynolds Wolf: hello all, howdy. everyone rubbing their bellies after that post-Thanksgiving binge? even the women? if it's the women it means something different, hehe...just kidding. i'm here to catch all your drippings as you rub just call me Reynolds Wrap Wolf...

Dirg: remember, all trolls are just trying to give it to the top. knock the elite down a few pegs. keep those in power in check...

Mardith: if you really wanted to be with me, you would have given me the perfect gift.

Dirg: wha? i don't get it. i'm the man, i give you sex, what more do you want?

Mardith: WE'VE NEVER HAD SEX! partly because i need to be comfortable. a girl needs to be comfortable, you know? 

Dirg: i give up.

Mardith: Moon Pod Beanbag...

Dirg: see? you gotta admit, Hllbilly Elegy is kinda cool...

Bush, re-formed and on stage:

Gavin Rossdale: *singing* we live in a wheel where everyone steals...

Gavin: ...not saying i stole from Cobain, just saying...

Caitlin Moran proudly flaunts her Cruella de Vil hair as she entrances the Orchid Girls HQ in the oak-tree-knot who all the Girls stand at attention. following her is Rosie Stephenson-Goodknight who takes charge of the Orchid Girls wikipedia and has a cup of tea at night by the shadowy fireplace...

Mardith: someday somebody gonna catch your vibe and love all over it like a slobber dog. it won't be soon but you gotta be patient like Captain America...

Wittyidiot and Alison Sieke get married...

Orchid Girls, now a massive conglomeration corporation, buys up and swallows CherryPicks...

Cotard: do you know what it's like staring at the Thanksgiving meat on the table for a fucking hour waiting for everyone to arrive!!!!!?...

Stephen A Smith: why is it trickeration only in the NFL? and trickery everywhere else? but why is it not called the Cal Axe tho?...

Cara Santa Maria re-forms TakePart Live. on her first show back:

CSM: i was AOC first. i dated Bill Maher. let's just say Halle Berry was better in bed than Bill...

Doryce to Gladyce: you don't need the Vanquish, dear, you just need to shower...

Daniel Popper: no, only I can communicate with Groot...

Mardith: ketchup used to be my color, purple...

Boc: i watered a little too far aloft of the road and wetted the highway, caused an 8-car pileup. i watered at a 45-degree angle to get the rainbow, that's the only good watering. i'm so tall i bumped and knocked my head on the trees, my beanie fell off my head into a puddle. you forget to water the trees, you spend so much time on the lawn court, not until the trees are dripping is it a good watering...

Boc: when i wet the land, the birds land on it and chirp, spreading their seed betwixt their spindly legs onto the damp soil, eventually growing trees...

Pat: hi everybody, just got back from doing my homework. my teacher wants us to imagine what Emmett Till's voice sounded like and write an epic heroic poem about Emmett and the strength in his voice. i have a confession to make: i never had what it took to join any of Princeton's elite eating clubs so i fill the void each week by serving you unique foods...here's the ceebu jen...

Dirg: vegetotherapy? the State CANNOT make me eat my vegetables...

Rachel Slawson: speaking of cole slaw, make fun of my name all you want, but i'm gonna be the first true genetic out-in-the-open bisexual bachelor on The Bachelor... 

Dirg: but the cole in cole slaw, what is cole?...

Laertus: Dirg, DoorDash, these are all independent women...

Madame Pons: *hugging Mardith* why don't you film a video and post it to your Instagram telling your followers you love them. a person who tells their followers they love them is neat.

Mardith: *wiping away tears* thanks, sis.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: why didn't Burger King make Jughead their mascot?...

Eye: The Beaver and go...

Mel Gibson: not about my problems...my apparent problems communicating...without using my fists...and talking to my PR guy i mean my guidance counselor...

Anton Yelchin: i myself get confused, sometimes i think i'm Emile Hirsch...

Jillian Clare sweeps Anton Yelchin off his feet, she whisks him away to an island with no steep hill inclines, no cars just boats, she proposes marriage to him, and the two get hitched in a palm-tree hammock...

Jillian: *serious face* place your weary head on my big bosom, my sweet. rest. you banged your head against so many walls you can never put wallpaper up on that drywall again. no wonder you keep telling me you're feeling crazy in the head like your father. well if you're like your daddy you're MY daddy now. no more magazine letters, my sweet, no more note cards on a red string of crazy fate. fate into crazy. you don't have to be the madman anymore, the self-stalker. if it's the God genes then it's the God genes. 

Dirg: first Jodie Foster film that didn't do well...jus sayin...

Laertus: okay i mean the thing that surprised me the most here is Jennifer Beep-Beep Lawrence! i had NO idea she was in this! this was that period when she wasn't quite A-list yet so she's slumming here...

Dirg: wowzers. i mean you forget just how fucking hot young Jennifer was. this was the period when you needed to nab her, snatch her up, cos now she's all seasoned and cultured-cougar and tryna get with Timothee Chalamet...

Dirg: look, i know this is coming from me, but i don't think Jennifer is a particularly great actress, she's just serviceable here, you know?...

Eye: oh my goddess! Jennifer's mother in this is the white chick from In Living Color!!!

Laertus: wish they would have dived more into Jennifer's brother's OD. HIS life story would have been interesting. 

Eye: i'm guessing he couldn't take having Jennifer Lawrence for a sister, i mean how could you compete with feminine perfection like that? so he huffed one too many tagging-graffiti-can fumes in the garage...

Laertus: kudos to the cast for actually making this serious, i mean this really could have been a disaster if they couldn't stop cracking up and this became Avenue Q. i want to see the blooper reel for this film! you know Sesame Street's got some great blooper reels behind the scenes!...

Chauncey Gardiner: no don't do it!

Eye: i would have lost it when Anton calls the beaver puppet a chipmunk...

Alvin: i'm still stuck in Almost Famous!!! HELP!!!...

Laertus: thought the voice of the puppet was Gary Oldman at first...

Eye: you're just not used to hearing Mel's actual Australian voice, dear...

Dirg: i'm not a furry but did anyone want to fuck the puppet?

Dirg: i mean you gotta admit, it was disappointing that there wasn't a sex scene with the puppet and Jennifer Lawrence or Jodie Foster...

Eye: well there kinda was. Jodie and Mel in their marriage bed...he had the puppet in his hand...for Jodie that must have been one unexpectedly DELIGHTFUL anal fisting!...

Mardith: shivering

Dirg: hey Pat, did you ever cheat your way to the top? to get into Princeton? ever buy the answers to some hard high-school test in order to pass?

Pat: well yeah sure, that's how i met my Russian girlfriend...

Laertus: i did once. i wrote papers for other students. but i was just working on my script-writing...

Dirg: this was funded by our enemy...

Eye: oh hey it's the PILF! President I'd Like To Fuck! the President of the United States! the only female one there ever was! on 24!

Dirg: with the beautiful porn-star name: Cherry Jones.

Takahashi: Cherry Jones and Mary McDonnell, these, my friend, are REAL women.

Eye: the perfect segue to discuss...

Laertus: yep, let's all just put our cards on the table now. despite our divisions in this country, we all come together and agree on one thing: Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson is the HOTTEST couple of all time!!!...

Dirg: i'm imagining that sex now...

Eye: that shower scene was rather blase about the subject of suicide, like changing the channel. a show with Matt Lauer...

Dirg: yeah i mean why do they make shower-rods anymore? they're too dangerous. R.I.P. Anthony Bourdain, Asia's family is tragically dwindling down more than ever. yeah watching this made me MORE depressed. i had to take a pill to get through it...

cat familiars: tis true tis true, Mozart used to yelp like one of us, he meowled and woke up the whole conservatory but it was only because he wasn't fed enough of his mother's milk as a child...

Dirg: suckling. they never showed the psychiatrist, that's how you know the plan is whack, take it from me. that small child actor is gonna be traumatized from this experience. is it tagging if it's therapy? 

Laertus: Anton was looking at a map the way Emile didn't for Into The Wild...

Dirg: the Beaver toy ironically ended up hurting Mel cos it subliminally taught him how to use a saw...

Dirg: it should have gone down like this:

Mel Gjbson; okay so i circular-sawed my arm off but i got a glass arm now. so i'm not gonna become the Saw guy, i got rid of my demons...
Jodie Foster: yes, dear. that glass hand looks like my hand at the end of The Piano.........i look like Holly Hunter...

Dirg: wait, they went to CANNES to promote this film?!!!! really?! g'night, folks...

at the Fountain school:

a beautiful mysterious woman in a tall fascinator with feather, purple parasol, and hoop skirt over a long Sunday-sundae turtleneck dress inches towards the school, she flips her parasol and uses the tip to unlock the key to the door to the school...

Galivant: PATRICK! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, MISTER! GO DOWN UNDER MY SKIRT!!!

Pat, tongue hanging from dry-heat work weeks, lits his eyes and turns his tongue's attention back around to lapping up his rescue from his savioress.

Galivant: i'm sorry for any trouble he caused, Headmaster, you can be assured he will get a stern talking-to when his father comes home after going out for a pack of cigarettes from the store and never coming back...

outside:

Pat: phew! thanks for saving me. i swear if i washed one more wall...they were brick walls, too...

Galivant: don't know how much longer this charade can last but...anyway, go back under my skirt and see what you see.

Pat: wowzers! it's a whole other world under here! 

Pat reaches inside the vagina with his fist......and pulls out a......beaver puppet...

Galivant: how was the film discussion today?

Pat: fun as always...





 




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