notes:
* narrated by the Shivering Truth narrator...
* that's how you say "panties" in Wisconsin
* Willem Dafoe is the greatest thing to ever come out of Wisconsin...not counting all the milk and cheese...and Aaron Rodgers's porn stache...
* that screengrab looks like Battlestar Galactica in the Solid Gold '70s...
* i seriously want "When Panties Fly" taught in schools as a Homeric epic poem. like right after Longfellow and leg day
* the only one not sexy in that list was going to the bathroom
* why is man ashamed of looking inside panties before the washer? there were always coins in my unwashed panties
* not that Downey commercial with the dancing and hijinks and ahegao expressions. we need more Asian representation tho. Bowen Yang is doing a fabulous job!
* so we're treating panties like the making of wax crayons on Sesame Street. all panties come from...…...CARNIVALE IN RIO!!!
* see? the only good use for oil
* ever wonder where all those rubber bands used to bundle letters and packages together in the mail go afterwards? well they all go to your underwear, helping to make your own package stretchy and bulk.
* if this is true, why aren't zebra-print panties sexy? same principle applies. see, zebras are the weird cousin of the animal kingdom, they like Smiths and Portlandia, they don't like to fight unless it's over Pokémon or Frank Zappa cards. i always get the feeling that God really wanted zebras to have green mohawks...
* alpha males didn't wear animal skins to show status, they did it to keep their cocks from freezing into popsicles cos if that happened the whole societal structure is meaningless
* the Chinese were smart, they used all their leftover tea doilies to make their undergarments
* the Chinese once prized small feet. but then the geishas and ballerinas revolted, so they prized small hands. that was agreeable, you just needed to push the red button...
* that's not a bidet! not a protruding pregnancy test! that's a camera in that toilet!
* robots will never be as creative as Bjork
* you don't need to use a mannequin's hand, you can use your own hand, no one will know who you are
* so many atomic wedgies wasted, we could have used them to solve our energy crisis by now
* strum it like a guitar. create art that rivals Duct Banana. well let's be honest you're really working out your thigh gap. don't be stupid with that, make sure the mannequin is the one holding the weight. or you could just sketch bridge blueprints...
* panties could be sold wthout mannequins, display them like a Bart Simpson slingshot. stores won't let you try on panties cos there could be excrement, you have to go to the bathroom first, on the third floor. also, guy, cut off that ponytail, that could be the problem, too.
* honestly, you look more ridiculous in a thong than you would a panty line
* but 19th turn of the century granny panties were HOT!!! all that fabric from the bloomers/one-piece body swimsuits, all that lace and bow string you have to undo to get to the thigh, all those buttons and clasps, by the time you unfastened everything and got there you had done work!
* more skin makes me nervous...
* and that Chinese folklore god was...…...Confucius...
* "came and went", wink wink
* what's with that cult with the nurse hats and the gas masks? i see them everywhere. some sort of World War II secret ballroom-dance thing. or is it 1917? it's in all the Nine Inch Nails and My Chemical Romance videos...
* no, BSDM stands for Blessed Saint Dominei Martyr, a religious organization
* never be afraid of a suds station, it leads to a studs station. everyone in the '70s met their life partner at a laundromat, they would exchange roller skates---revealing the location of the key---and the rest was history...
* i love that all the panties were being thrown at the all-girl band
* the only musician who keeps the panties is Keith Richards...
* a dumpster diver who looks like an exotic monkey?
* now i get it! the vagina is shaped like a champagne glass!
* hey, the Colosseum would be appealing if that Titan hadn't decided to take a big bite out of it, now it looks like a giant Dortio chip or half-eaten waffle cone
* what we're saying is: NO amount of diet and exercise can overcome gravity.
* "hey, why are you drawing a red Satanic star on my cheek?"
* these plastic surgeons were once butchers...
* buy candy panties to squeeze out the middle man. all of this excess sugar has led to the return of sugar nips...
* woman=champagne glass, man=box
* there's a blue tax on male panties cos male panties are kinky
* Marie Kondo: hey don't blame me, corn dogs are an American thing, not a Japanese thing. my clients---all men---stick corn dogs in their panties anyway.
* the average American woman can play Jamaican drums. the average British man? tis but a small keyboard.
* how do you throw away a trash can?
* perverts are females, too. perverts will save the planet! they will win the world! all the watching of that anime about panties paid off! in 100 years, the only humans left roaming the Earth will be perverts!
* preservationist comes from the base word pervert
* Amish: we don't follow mainstream values, therefore, we're sex freaks, since mainstream Americans mostly engage in missionary.
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happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: Garlic Bulbs Pizza from Pizza Hut, cos you don't want vampires roaming around this holy time of year!
may your Yule be Dr. Steve Brule. i'm predicting an Eddie Murphy ice ending! and then when Eddie falls through the ice on a huge fossilized crack they discover John Belushi and Chris Farley were under that ice the whole time preserved and alive!!!...
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