Rubikon is conducting a session of Red Circle Table:
Rubikon: a real one this time, cos i'm in charge. the red stands for blood.
Wendy Williams: i don't fight, i run. *sings like Whitney* i wanna run to you...
Whitney Houston's lesbian lover: you run with your mouth. that's how we settle things where i'm from.
Wendy: what do you mean by "you people"? you were gonna jump me from the bushes in the streets? there are no bushes in the streets.
Rubikon: isn't it great that we can have two strong sistas sitting face to face on couches here now, laughing about the whole thing instead of more black-on-black tragedy. we must unite as one people---and yes, i mean "we people", we the black people---if we're gonna win. talk shows, people, not knives. gang-warfare guns? trade them in for a spot on anyone but Geraldo. wouldn't you rather have this than live-executions? if only this had happened with 2Pac and Biggie.
Wendy: i knew him when he was just Tupac. and Biggie was just some fat guy. okay so i wore Whitney's wedding dress for my own wedding and her destination wedding for my destination---the very first destination wedding in human history btw, Africa once again wins---but i'm not an obsessed fan, i'm just frugal. so why did Eddie Murphy warn Whitney not to marry Bobby?
lesbian lover: cos she was gay. Eddie was in love with Whitney but more than that, Eddie knew he'd get sleep if he married Whitney. that's the one thing which killed his SNL career. he'd still be on SNL now if he had gotten sleep. there'd be no Kenan.
Wendy: tru tru. i tried calling up Kenan to get some political dirt on Pete, but both had cut off communciaiton. never call an SNLer on Sunday afternoon...
Rubikon: that's the fam. hey wait, i've just been handed a blue card that says i have to close the show WITH A WHITE WOMAN FOR RATINGS?! what the fuck is this. fuck corporate sponsorship!
Emma Watson: um...
Rubikon: gohead. you cute.
Emma Watson: so i just want to say that Emma Watson is the hottest bitch i've ever laid eyes upon.
Emma Watson: thank you, Emma Watson.
*there's an uncomfortable silence in the room. even tho it's just the crew no audience*
Emma Watson: um...…...so when are we gonna talk about all that deepfake? you look just like me.
Emma Watson: you look just like me. i wanted to be the UN Women Head but they said it would be double jeopardy in any revenge-porn case that could only be settled in Australia. do you want to get married?
Emma Watson: i would but i'm off to a destination wedding.
Emma Watson: you know what they say, you can go anywhere around the world miles and miles and miles away from home---like say at a UN Outreach program where you hand out dangerous needles to an abandoned village not on the map---but you can never leave yourself.
Pat Sajak bumrushes Beto the security guard, enters the openfloor Jeopardy studios and punches Alex Trebek in the face that his mustache grows back.
Pat: i'm sick of you for all these years! you gave me your sickness! ever since they paired our two shows together you've gotten the large end of the stick! you were the smart one, they laughed at us. you were the erudite Dems, me the beerguzzling Republicans. they had to study for you, for me they jacked off in front of me.
Alex: you're the good kind of Republican, right? the quiet moderate ones who don't make no noise nor fuss nor mess.
Pat: you got to go to Harvard Lampoon, i was lampooned. i had to be saddled with a female cohost for ratings...
Alex: i had a female cohost once as well. Chris Matthews's wife. but she went off on safari or something, off the reservation. plus it was time-consuming to turn over all those blocks, especially the top block of each category, needed a ladder in high heels.
Pat: why you crying, Trebek! why you cryin'
Alex: i'm not crying cos of you, you barely touched me, tis but a grazing glance, your entire arm is one finger. i'm crying because...because...my heart was touched.
Emma: okay so for all Emmas out there, i'm gonna win again and prove it wasn't a fluke.
James: wanna bet? no seriously. look at my signal button, it's connected to my cock inside my pants so i always ring in first. i stole signs from you last time. signs coming from Alex that he was gonna make it. just call me Mr. 2017 Astros. hey what did you expect, i'm a fucking Vegas gambler for fuck sake.
Hilary Clinton: you're a Russian spy. and you're a Russian spy. and you're a Russian spy. i don't care fuck it, just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you. you stole my lifelong childhood dream, you little Russian combfuck.
Vlad Putin: Hilary Hilary, calmite, senora. you know i love you. you know i just want to hold you in my arms and squeeze tight as i close my eyes. i just want to comb your teutonic germanic butter hair with my dirty fingers. YOU are my most precious spy...
Hilary: oh no! don't you play your game with me like you do the other girls! i don't do telephone! i do telehealth! you can't spell me, you Rosicrucian reject.
Vlad: look Hil, my Russian underground secret labs are developing something big. it's gonna change the world. for the worse. but it'll help you out tremendously. it's a bomb. a bath bomb. don't you want to have smooth skin like Tulsi Gabbard again? huh? don't you want to look like Tulsi Gabbard again? Tulsi never seems to age, does she? *wicked laugh*
at the Hearings:
Comey: is it pronounced Clinton? is it pronounced Bump? i have no idea who these people are, i just do my job.
President Bump: OKAY America, yous made me do this. are you satisfied!? fine FINE, i'll make the damn hero dog MY family pet, happy now? satisfied? why don't i get credit for this? not extra credit for school, just regular credit.
Bump: i don't go to restaurants, i get all my McDonalds delivered via GrubHub, ask anybody. ask the dog. no, not her...
Rubikon: you know i was shadowbanned on Instagram. they say it lasts two weeks but mine went on forever. i get more and more restrained, less people follow each week, are allowed to follow. i know that means i'm doing something right to piss off the establishment, but if my message doesn't get across to the most maximum volume of people, what's the point? now my friends are real non-bot Russian photographers and a whole bunch of British small-businesses selling exclusively Belgian goods and scarves.
Teuila Blakely: ALL ART is an abomination! ALL ART is evil and Satanic! the ONLY ART which anyone should EVER expose their children to is episodes of Beast Morphers no seriously PLEASE show your kids our show! if i don't do this nobody will ever know me for anything else!
nobody at Kaepernick's private workout recognize him after three years. he's completely bald.
Kaep: not from any personal stress, from the national stress going on in Washington. i move the chains. you know about moving chains, right, sir?
Bump: yes. you mean from my NFL days, right young buck?
the crones are at Harvard Primal Scream. a whole slew of naked students in nothing but tennis shoes are at the starting gate, one lamppost lighting the entire campus area, in the black of night. their faded-material toes muscle for position.
Doryce: i recognize all of my former classmates solely by the curvature of their butt cracks.
naked Sue Su: my little sister's already got her Harvard Checklist done.
Gladyce: you went to Harvard?
Doryce: sure, everyone says they went to Harvard, right? i appreciate all asses equally but i'll make sure the male ones don't droop. cos they're heavier. don't mind me, i'll be in the back running up the rear.
Doryce: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
students: it's a metaphor. there's no starting gun.
Doryce: oh, sorry, i went to Princeton. having fun, dear? you don't look so good, babe.
Gladyce: i got you this early Christmas gift. as an inside joke. cos we're witches and all.
Doryce: PREZZIE! you shouldn't have but you should have. *unwraps loudly* OH MY GODDESS! they are...Bean Boots! they fit my sore ankles perfectly, Glad! i love them! give us a big sloppy kiss! now i feel like a right shill and squirrelgirl cos i could only scrounge up for you...this...from the student caf…
Gladyce: that's okay, i know you love me, that's all that matters. i am so weak. i am so fucking hungry, there's never any food in the Treehouse anymore. we've gone poor from all these travel expenses. i don't mind the large cruise ships you love and lounge but we could have used our brooms. it's the thought that counts. i see here it's a glass tallboy of a Starbucks Frappuccino, the label is new and different and festive and holiday-themed and like a tying red ribbon with green and red and a snowy scene, but it's not a new flavor, it's still just their standard Coffee.
Doryce is quite despondent. Gladyce never swears.
Eye Luggage: why so glum, chum?
Laertus: oh it's just...i helped a little old lady cross the street the other day...then i see this same lady at a Kroger's spouting anti-Mexican and anti-immigrant rhetoric at this poor brown mother and her red daughter in diapers sucking on a Fedco jumbo slice. it incensed me, i told her to her face that it was HER that didn't belong in this country and her that was destroying the fabric of this society, i even pointed to her threading needle tuft and threw the tuft out the sliding-glass doors like a football. i've never thrown a football in my life but i threw it with such a perfectly-smooth spiral and out the tuft went into the parking lot. like i was a G, a Jimmy G. i ushered this old-bag lady out the same way, i threw her out on her haunches into the Christmas cold. her too-big-and-puffy polka-dot dress caught a snag of Rudolph's antler. i thought i'd feel bad about it afterwards after cooling down but i never did feel guilty after the cooloff. i never thought i'd have to do this, but the next time i encounter a little old lady i'll check first to see if she's white.
Eye: commercial and go.
Dirg: what, that Rich Aiello commercial? weird, right? here's this big hairy Italian guy with the gold chains sprouting from his hairy chest, Rich Aiello. so you're thinking beer-swilling jumbo-slicing Bump supporter, right? THIS guy, THIS mook, is all in on the Green New Deal, he speaks with a hard throaty voice about how he cares for the green environment to remain green and wants to make a difference. he shows us his entire mansion in the hills covered and i mean WALLPAPER-COVERED with solar panels...no electric bill he says, just butane from Ladybird Hill.
Tyzik: toonami, right? it's so weird to see the Toonami Block without any Dragon Ball. Demon Slayer is trying to be Inuyasha but there's so Kagome for a meme and i'm falling asleep fast. i want The Forge to be its own 30-minute show. i want a show with TOM the android and SARA the space sprite and all their animal and robot and slug friends out there on their ship in space having adventures. expand the Total Immersion Event into its own TIE Fighter. make this Toonami's Star Wars. make The Forge The Force.
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh just how Punch Drunk Love is technically a box-office bomb cos it didn't break even at the box office, missed it by 7 dollars fitty.
Eye: Where The Buffalo Roam and go.
Dirg: Hunter S. Thompson SHOULD be my hero. but i dunno. what is he exactly? like he reveres the freeflowing hippiness of the Sixties, says we'll never experience or hope to recreate those era-specific times ever again, and yet he's a rabid gunlover. i wonder what ol' HST thought the first time his long gun was stopped up by a flower.
Eye: we'll get to the webcomic in the online-only feature event. and we'll do all the Johnny Depp comparisons next week...
Laertus: would you believe me if i told you i knew before i even knew this film existed and laid eyes on it that Neil Percival Young did the opening number? obvious, right? only his cracking voice can crack those Colorado mountains. why did Hunter off himself?
Dirg: he got bored, football season was over, he's right, there's nothing to do after the Super Bowl. plus, it was TOO FREAKIN' COLD!!! why didn't he move in with The Golden Girls in Miami?
Eye: i would have been okay with Hunter redoing the Game of Thrones ending, he would have done a good job with it.
Dirg: did we really need The Golden Palace?
Eye: hey! those gilfs made me into a woman! besides, without The Golden Palace there would be no Cheech & Chong nor Don Cheadle. it would have been Cheadle & Chong and America was NOT ready for intermixing of the races like that.
Laertus: Bill Murray does a good job here with this. but i feel his affected accent and mannerisms is just how Bill Murray is in real life, like he's REAL chill around company. ever see him on Letterman? but again with a beautiful dog, that beaut of a German Shepherd so close to those guns, i don't care if they're play guns, CUT IT OUT!!!
Dirg: yeah, see? he was a hippie who...loved Nixon? wore a rubber Nixon mask with him when he masturbated.
Eye: i think it was more like he understood Nixon. understood all the hate Nixon generated. he understood that the country was in this brutal hazy fog as long as Nixon was sitting. that famous bathroom scene he's explaining to Nixon himself all the hippies gunning for him. ironically.
Dirg: Hunter can tolerate the dopeheads and the acidheads and the tapeheads but he draws the line at those stinkin' cheatin' bobbleheads.
Laertus: i got warm feelings again from a film. from this specific part: when he's assigned to cover the Super Bowl. i thought that whole time was the coolest thing ever. right? what a great job, you travel to a nice warm hotel-room bed, get up early with all the frenzied excitement of this best-ever sporting event, the roar of the raucous crowd you're anticipating as you scarf down a beautiful meal in a half-circle booth of extra pancakes and wine and drugs and eggs done in a way you've never had eggs done before, fill up nice and good with a hotel breakfast at the white hotel that you can't get at home. and write about sports, what life could be better?
Eye: sports in their purest sense are a magical distraction, it's the human betting which screws everything back down to earth. let the girls have their boys. and their hotel boys. all pro sports teams should be mixed, boys and girls, no gender just go out there and play and see what happens.
Dirg; i'd be really pissed too if i was dragged from the Super Bowl to go on another wild goose chase authored by my unstable lawyer. he does give his prized sweet suite room to a black man no strings attached so he can't be charged with being anything legacy.
Rubikon: that's black jive bros, bro.
Laertus: the lawyer. was a card. loved him, he was born for heartwrenching comedy. see that's the thing, when this film came out, the real-life Hunter lawyer who disappeared mysteriously down in Mexico, there was still a chance that he might be saved, this film was almost like a plea to release him. and AGAIN with the Bruno Kirby! but seriously, if you couldn't smoke pot in the Sixties in San Francisco, the country really was going to pot back then. life-sentence jail times for wanting to be free?!
Eye: as crazy as it was back then with Nixon, it was a normal stable kind of crazy compared with today.
Dirg: when a lawyer could still be a poet. everyone was a Beat poet back then. that whole courthouse scene reminded me of Sesame Street. and The Streets of San Francisco. i suppose it's left to me to talk about the hot nurse with her blouse exposed open revealing her big tits where her stethoscope should have been. bound and gagged and tied to the hospital bed. yeah, well, he should have stayed with her rather than jetset to wherever fantasyland his wacky lawyer had planned.
Laertus: i loved the lawyer, he was a dreamer, he was the true esquire man. he really thought he could form an alternate society out there in the desert, this was gonna be a true lawless utopia, like a cult but good. a good cult. if only the freedom fighters learned how to shoot straight. if Hunter would have agreed to found it with him, his dream would have survived and the lawyer would have survived and not disappeared, and there would be Utopia on the map today. save your friends, don't talk about them forlornly and fatedly at a hippie college lecture after the fact. drugs and alcohol don't work for most people but they do for me, until they didn't, huh Hunter.
Dirg: what was that scene on the airplane? it reminded me of Airplane. and the stuff with the midgets in the hotel room at the Super Bowl. with the midget mob boss? foreshadowing? i suppose that's one way to quit drinking, crash all the shotglasses with your flying body. Hollywood scum, hahahahah! but again, missed signals, this is the same man who rode with Johnny Depp down Hollywood Blvd. don't do drugs, kids, see what happened to that poor reporter? you give a human one drug, just one drug, and he turns into Odo. fuck the doomed. i first heard that on a Maynard song. did Nixon actually say that? in one of his public speeches? please tell me it's at least on The Tapes. who played Nixon in this? we have the voice but not the physical man.
Eye: those flying papers on the tarmac are symbolic. those could have negated the Pentagon Papers and instead become the Socialism Sheets of Stability.
Laertus: socialist paradise, gangster's paradise, same thing. so Lazlo and Nixon weren't weird enough for you, Hunter? what was? death?
Dirg: suicide. that's all, folks, till next week.
Rubikon is eyeing a man in a red Bump Hat across one of the round portable white dining tables from him at the MSNBC luncheonette.
Rubikon: LOOK! A CHILD MOLESTER! IF YOU WEAR THE RED HAT YOU'RE A CHIMO! GET HIM! GET HIM!
Mick Trump, Jr. gets the fuck out of there before the mob swarms and descends on his square head. there is no police here.
Rubikon: don't they ever learn? what is MSNBC doing inviting that guy to their shows!? didn't they learn from The View!? the old ways don't work no more, there's no more reconciliation, there's no more ratings-grab, we are 50/50 for life. for generations. for eternity. ah, now, now that i have some peace and quiet, let's see what this place has to eat.
he puts his feet up on the table as he opens the fridge door. it is stocked full of chicken sandwiches. in a so fresh and so clean receptacle.
Rubikon: jackpot! wait, these Popeyes Chicken Sandwiches are...made from plants?...my tongue distinguished plant INSTANTLY! oh well. food is food. i'm not used to having so much food.
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